Freshly Divorced from BPD/16 years and Reeling

[Torched]

I've got kind of a complicated long sordid tale here... .but maybe most of us here do 

I was married at 23 and didn't know enough to avoid what quickly became a nightmare, even though there were so many red flags.  I tried to divorce my undiagnosed but likely BPD wife at 12 years (two children) and gave her another chance.  Suffered rages, cold shouldering, insensitivity, etc. for years and was completely under her control.  She managed to improve a bit, but it was really over and she still couldn't love me normally or stop herself from continually alienating my children and I from my family.  I was always honest and trustworthy, always trying to help her, and I never stopped trying to fix it within her crazy gerbil wheel.  Five years later, I found myself again ready to leave, but pulling the trigger was tough.  I met someone who I found to be extraordinary and normal who had a NPD husband, and we fell deeply in love after a year of being acquainted.  I told my ex immediately and immediately made her the public victim and destroyed my reputation as the "normal" one.  I definitely think in retrospect it was my way of cutting the cord permanently.  The divorce was ugly as I expected it to be and I came out of it intact with 50% custody.  I was and am still very worried about my children which is another topic completely that I want to discuss on another board.  I'm the emotionally accessible and understanding parent in this situation and the kids are doing great when they are with me.  Not so great with mom.  The kids do not know about my GF and I am not going to tell them for another six months most likely.  They are still dealing with so much.

For this board though, I wanted to see if anyone else experienced what I'm feeling.  At the beginning of the process, my best friend and his wife took my ex's side and disowned me. The divorce was official last Tuesday.  My wife proceeded to tell my children on Wednesday that she had fallen in love with my former best friend's other good friend.  I then found out after asking around that a few weeks after I told my BPD wife that I was divorcing her and had an affair, she moved directly onto a romantic relationship with this guy.  She had always flirted with him but I'm certain that nothing had ever gone on before.  I have heard the term "grooming" being used by BPD's so they can have a ready supply, but this really affected me this week.

Bottom line, I thought I was over this woman who caused me deep, deep pain and emotional agony for YEARS.  This week, I find that I'm not.  Finding out about this relationship is bad enough for my kids (I'm furious at her for telling them while they are processing the death of our dog, a move into new houses, and the divorce itself) but I am hurt by it and that embarasses the hell out of me.  Add to the fact that it makes me feel like I'm crazy and its even worse.  I can't get thoughts of her out of my head, thoughts of her having great sex with the other guy, having a new family, being "happy", "normal," all these what-ifs that might somehow prove that the problems were "all in my head."  It's sick.  I don't ever want to be back with her but I'm really a mess this weekend.  I've talked to my wonderful, practical, emotionally healthy GF about it and she understands to some extent and is supportive.  I know I'm lucky that way... .but I don't know how to deal with these feelings and I'm feeling really embarassed by them (especially the sexual ones) and I'm feeling a little uncertain of what the relationship was... .like I've had fog roll in and cover up all the bad things that happened over and over for years... .

[Mr.R.Indignation]

I can only really find commonality with the last part. That fog rolling in is a great analogy.

Personally I think it comes from egotism! You're welcome.  Of course this is more a judgement of myself. From a completely shallow perspective my ex was singing, dancing, pole-dancing, had a great figure with a 21 inch waist, pretty face, frankly perfect just below the face, dresses well, completely compassionate and accepting at first, excellent at art, has her own business, and she could put her legs behind her head with zero effort. I can't get over the irony of how insecure she was when she's still literally physical perfection to me.

Having said that, it's not really stuff that matters so much in love, but it does in war. They're all things that other people want, therefor I want them even more, because if I could have exclusively had all of that in one package... .why can't I still? Why can't I been king of the hill? We got along great when she wasn't arguing with me for no particular reason!

But despite the fact that yes they're attractive traits, it's all really about feeling positively about myself. Evidently I still have a lot of childhood popularity issues I'm getting over. :P

So basically, it's boundless ambition and a little envy: it's feeling powerless. But something I realised is that ambition is unending. There's no happiness there. You can conquer as many countries in the world as you like, but eventually you'll run out of places to conquer, and then there's little else left to achieve. Is it not more important to be comfortable and content than to posess trophies and feel uncomfortable when not striving for glory? And you feel comfortable now, right? The thought helped me, maybe it'll help you.

The shallower traits seem nice, but they are definitely not worth the abhorrent aspects of her personality. I know that it won't stop me from valuing, loving or being attracted to someone else just because they don't possess all of them, and you've already found someone, so I'd say you're doing just fine. So many of us are chasing a better self-image instead of love, when really the things we should aspire to most of all are enjoying the truly loving, positive relationships we already have.

[Torched]

Thanks for your insight, R.  I'm not really sure that's what it is... .but it could have something to do with it.  As far as ambition, well, there are many women much more attractive than her.  If we are being shallow, my GF is a 9 where my ex is a 7 physically.  Add the more important fact that my GF is an incredible, "real" and healthy person, and she's a unicorn maybe.  Hey, now I sound like I'm the BP person here.

This week's revelations have been hard.  The more I thought about this today, the more I think I need a little time to process all this.  I really think its emotionally based and maybe good sex was a way to control me... .like a rat pressing a button for a piece of kibble.

[jonmnemonic]

One of your mistakes was to jump into another relationship in order to leave your marriage.  You can't possibly work through all the issues you went through in your marriage while in another relationship.  It takes time to heal and if you don't go through the process you'll end up having issues pop up in your new relationship that you didn't expect such as what you're going through now.

[Mr.R.Indignation]

The more I thought about this today, the more I think I need a little time to process all this.  I really think its emotionally based and maybe good sex was a way to control me... .like a rat pressing a button for a piece of kibble.

Operant conditioning is a certified thing, so if that's what you're thinking, you're probably right. It's difficult when you've still got to make contact, but as long as you have new ways of reinforcing positivity and negativity the old habits should lose their hold on ya synapses. You're essentially still undergoing reassimilation and adapting to new circumstances takes time.

Honestly from your other posts, you come across as pretty collected about things (to me, at least!), and it seems like your kids are really lucky to have you around. I could say that about a lot of people on the boards. All the struggles and here I am thinking 'hell, you're processing, making progress, and managing to keep your crap together - is that not doing well?'

[Torched]

Operant conditioning is a certified thing, so if that's what you're thinking, you're probably right. It's difficult when you've still got to make contact, but as long as you have new ways of reinforcing positivity and negativity the old habits should lose their hold on ya synapses. You're essentially still undergoing reassimilation and adapting to new circumstances takes time.

Honestly from your other posts, you come across as pretty collected about things (to me, at least!), and it seems like your kids are really lucky to have you around. I could say that about a lot of people on the boards. All the struggles and here I am thinking 'hell, you're processing, making progress, and managing to keep your crap together - is that not doing well?'

Yeah, thanks R.  I do think I'm probably being a little hard on myself.  She is dropping the kids off at my house tonight even though it isn't her night, second time since the divorce last week.

I also agree that the other relationship I have is complicating.  The positive part is that she and I talk a lot about our experiences with our ex's (hers was a NPD type) what we have learned from them, and what we really want out of any relationship we end up with long term.  Very honest.  Add to it the fact that she lives an hour away right now... .and we have realistic expectations that we don't really need to rush and that we actually might not be able to work out the distance thing anyway.  I think it is healthy in and of itself.  I'm ok with being patient and just getting to know each other slowly.