I've made things soo much worse

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

A few days ago I was out on a date with my BPD gf. After a huge outburst (triggered when I said I was too sleepy to talk with her on the phone) and 3 days of nc she decided to call me and tell me she's been planning our date. Everything was going great for the whole day, but around dinner time we're chatting and she starts telling me about her falling out with a friend as of late, and her tone become all deep and serious.

After letting her vent I said things would be okay and I go in for a kiss but she pushes me away and says maybe we should just be friends. I told her that was silly and she had just told me how much she loved me half an hour before that. She got up to leave and I just snapped, for the first time in a year. I had intentionally come in 2 hours early for work so we could go out early on our date and she just decided it was for nothing after being all lovey dovey for hours with me. So in a pretty upset mood I didn't have the proper judgement and I mentioned that she has a problem. I said she pulls me in and then pushes me away and it's a pattern thats been endlessly ongoing - I said all I want is for her to pull me in and just hold me there. Her reaction was less than rational: "so you're saying I'm crazy?". I said no, it's just a pattern on behaviour you do with me and with the 10 ex boyfriends that were before me (I've heard the stories from a few of them now). She lost it, said she wishes I was dead and we're over for good this time, ran out in a tantrum and I chased after her. After much struggle she disappeared into a shop and I waited outside. 20min later she emerges smiling and asking when the movie we had planned to see was starting - no acknowledgement towards what was just said or happened. But this was not the end of it.

At the end of our date she pulls me in close and says "you know even though I get upset, I still love you, right?" and I reciprocated. She gave me a massage before we departed. The next day was fine, we happily talked on the phone and I helped her with some issues at home and let her vent. Then yesterdat everything went to hell again. She called and asked if I could buy her something online. (she is a pretty compulsive shopper). I said if its within my budget sure. She says okay, calls me back 20min later and says she made a list of things she wants and it's around $400. I said there's no way I can afford that, sorry. She immediately got upset and said she can't believe she wasted her time looking up these things and now I'm letting her down after I said I would - I'm the worst, most awful guy she's ever dated (at this point I know BPD is kicking in, but I can't stop it). But now she throws in what I said the other day, about how I think she's crazy and I'm such an ass for throwing everything she's done against her, so f this relationship and f me. She hangs up, blocks my phone # and deletes me entirely from fb. All because I said I couldn't afford $400 of stuff

Each time I hear all these horrible things said to me it hurts just a little, even though I know they're not true. We are on day 1 of nc now. I sent her an email saying that kind of reaction to me not having money is just not cool, and without an apology, I could not get over something like that. Her friend talked to me today, telling me shes been telling everyone how horrible I've treated her... I told him the entire story. The volatility, the hateful outbursts and horrible treatment when she gets moody - he said this was not uncommon with her exes. I left out the part about how she's hit me 4x in the past. Honestl, at this point I want her to get help... this is getting so out of hand, but when I came slightly close to even mentioning BPD (I didn't say it, just eluded to some of the signs), she went ballistic and now throws it back at me. I'm at a loss right now.

[dotSlash]

A few days ago I was out on a date with my BPD gf. After a huge outburst (triggered when I said I was too sleepy to talk with her on the phone) and 3 days of nc she decided to call me and tell me she's been planning our date. Everything was going great for the whole day, but around dinner time we're chatting and she starts telling me about her falling out with a friend as of late, and her tone become all deep and serious.

After letting her vent I said things would be okay and I go in for a kiss but she pushes me away and says maybe we should just be friends. I told her that was silly and she had just told me how much she loved me half an hour before that. She got up to leave and I just snapped, for the first time in a year. I had intentionally come in 2 hours early for work so we could go out early on our date and she just decided it was for nothing after being all lovey dovey for hours with me. So in a pretty upset mood I didn't have the proper judgement and I mentioned that she has a problem. I said she pulls me in and then pushes me away and it's a pattern thats been endlessly ongoing - I said all I want is for her to pull me in and just hold me there. Her reaction was less than rational: "so you're saying I'm crazy?". I said no, it's just a pattern on behaviour you do with me and with the 10 ex boyfriends that were before me (I've heard the stories from a few of them now). She lost it, said she wishes I was dead and we're over for good this time, ran out in a tantrum and I chased after her. After much struggle she disappeared into a shop and I waited outside. 20min later she emerges smiling and asking when the movie we had planned to see was starting - no acknowledgement towards what was just said or happened. But this was not the end of it.

At the end of our date she pulls me in close and says "you know even though I get upset, I still love you, right?" and I reciprocated. She gave me a massage before we departed. The next day was fine, we happily talked on the phone and I helped her with some issues at home and let her vent. Then yesterdat everything went to hell again. She called and asked if I could buy her something online. (she is a pretty compulsive shopper). I said if its within my budget sure. She says okay, calls me back 20min later and says she made a list of things she wants and it's around $400. I said there's no way I can afford that, sorry. She immediately got upset and said she can't believe she wasted her time looking up these things and now I'm letting her down after I said I would - I'm the worst, most awful guy she's ever dated (at this point I know BPD is kicking in, but I can't stop it). But now she throws in what I said the other day, about how I think she's crazy and I'm such an ass for throwing everything she's done against her, so f this relationship and f me. She hangs up, blocks my phone # and deletes me entirely from fb. All because I said I couldn't afford $400 of stuff

Each time I hear all these horrible things said to me it hurts just a little, even though I know they're not true. We are on day 1 of nc now. I sent her an email saying that kind of reaction to me not having money is just not cool, and without an apology, I could not get over something like that. Her friend talked to me today, telling me shes been telling everyone how horrible I've treated her... I told him the entire story. The volatility, the hateful outbursts and horrible treatment when she gets moody - he said this was not uncommon with her exes. I left out the part about how she's hit me 4x in the past. Honestl, at this point I want her to get help... this is getting so out of hand, but when I came slightly close to even mentioning BPD (I didn't say it, just eluded to some of the signs), she went ballistic and now throws it back at me. I'm at a loss right now.

[maxsterling]

You can't force her to seek help and you can't help her.  That has to come from within her.  And I am slowly learning that "you" statements with pwBPD are nothing but trouble.   

You told her "you have a problem"

She heard "you are the cause of our problems"

And her BPD reaction is to get defensive.  To her, it felt like you gave her some kind of ultimatum, even though that was not your intent. 

My dBPDgf knows she has issues, admits she needs serious therapy, worries she is falling apart and is permanently mentally ill, yet if I even suggest that her issues are a problem in our relationship or that she said or did anything to hurt me, she blows it up and turns it back on me.  An example:

The other day she was contemplating quitting her job because she can't handle the stress.  I reminded her that she quit her last two jobs for the same reason, and it didn't solve her issues.  She got furious at me, claiming I was causing her stress, and all she wanted was support.  Yet, last night she spent an hour sobbing about how she can't handle any job she has ever had, and maybe she just isn't cut out to work anywhere.  I pointed out what she already knew, but she was furious with me for pointing it out. 

That's not to say you shouldn't stand up for yourself or shouldn't be hurt just because you are dealing with a pwBPD.  I just think that when in a relationship with a pwBPD, you should prepare for these kinds of reactions, and be prepared for them to walk our on you at any time.  You need to have your own boundaries.  And enforcing those boundaries  may mean a relationship has to end and end ugly.  But at least you will be left with your integrity.

[dotSlash]

You can't force her to seek help and you can't help her.  That has to come from within her.  And I am slowly learning that "you" statements with pwBPD are nothing but trouble.   

You told her "you have a problem"

She heard "you are the cause of our problems"

And her BPD reaction is to get defensive.  To her, it felt like you gave her some kind of ultimatum, even though that was not your intent. 

I totally get you. It's tough to always be in the right state of mind to be able to deal with outbursts like this, and I do slip up from time to time. Now we're on day 2 of nc, and I feel like she is going to get easily detached and quickly jump to someone else to fill that void (she has done this before, with her exes). It's so hard to think that you can try and do everything perfect, treat someone as best you can, try to make them feel loved and special, and they will still push you away and jump to another person like it's nothing.

The other day she was contemplating quitting her job because she can't handle the stress.  I reminded her that she quit her last two jobs for the same reason, and it didn't solve her issues.  She got furious at me, claiming I was causing her stress, and all she wanted was support.  Yet, last night she spent an hour sobbing about how she can't handle any job she has ever had, and maybe she just isn't cut out to work anywhere.  I pointed out what she already knew, but she was furious with me for pointing it out. 

I know this type of discussion all too well - I get the same thing. Switched majors, switched jobs, finding stress in the littlest of tasks where most people would do without caring at all. And of course this being projected onto me when she tells me about it.

You need to have your own boundaries.  And enforcing those boundaries  may mean a relationship has to end and end ugly.  But at least you will be left with your integrity.

I do, and I told her in particular one thing she said the other night was something that would need an apology if she wanted to make things well again between us. I'm not going to go into detail, but it was pretty much the worst thing anyone has ever said to me, even though it was not true and also said during a moment of rage. If she doesn't apologize, I'll have to stick with my ultimatum, which is awful because I do care about her, and because all this could have been avoided if she just didn't flip out over trivial bs. Well, it's not like that's possible to prevent anyway...

[dotSlash]

It seems like every time she gets into her "seeing me as black" state, she gets more upset than the last, even if what she's upset about is super trivial, like me saying I'm too full for a bite of her dessert. Last episode was early Sunday. As I mentioned earlier, she flipped out because I said I couldn't afford to buy her [expensive gift]. This triggered something in her because her father (who left when she was a child) used to overspend on her until he was in debt and eventually left. She got so angry at me and deleted and blocked my phone # and fb. I have absolutely no way to contact her and she is detaching by the day. The first time she did this, she called me back within 5min, the next time was 10min, then a few times she called back in an hour or two. Last month she got so angry she went to sleep on it, and the next day would call me back. And only recently has she went nc for over a day. Last time was 3 days. This time 2 so far... how long will this last, and will it continue to grow? She has told all her friends what a horrible guy I've been - I talked to one of them today and she told me some of the things (which were untrue) that she told her and I told her what really happened. All she said was "I can't get in the middle of your relationship, it's for you two to sort out", but how can I sort out something with someone I cannot contact? My stomach is turning thinking about this, and how much (almost 15 months now) has been invested in it. Of course I understand some people here have invested a hell of a lot more. In our case, her whole family loves and knows me very well, and mine loves her. I'm mutual friends with all hers and vice-versa. And she's just tearing this apart one rage at a time and eventually everyone I know will think I've been awful to her. This is incredibly unfair, and there's nothing I can do about it

[Aussie0zborn]

There is a lot you can do about it. Walk away with your head held high. If not, you will be walking away with your head bowed and your hands in handcuffs. 15 months is nothing compared to my seven years and others here who talk about 19 and 30 years of hell.

Your family likes her because you have not told them the truth. Her family like you until she decides to change that, and she can do that with a snap of her fingers. If you allow it to continue, when it gets worse you will be telling your family the truth and they will wonder what the hell was wrong with your judgement, no matter how understanding and supportive they are.

I would suggest seeing a therapist to understand why you have a need to reconnect to maintain what can never be anything but an unhealthy relationship. I did that but I only went back so pick a good therapist and stick to it. Understand yourself, understand what's going on with her, and understand that no matter how much of a great guy you are, you will never be able to fix it.

[dotSlash]

I would suggest seeing a therapist to understand why you have a need to reconnect to maintain what can never be anything but an unhealthy relationship. I did that but I only went back so pick a good therapist and stick to it. Understand yourself, understand what's going on with her, and understand that no matter how much of a great guy you are, you will never be able to fix it.

I know why I keep trying to reconnect. It's because I'm an idiot who, every time she sees me as white again, thinks I'll be able to prevent her from seeing me black. And every time it happens, it catches me by surprise because everything has been going great and it comes out of nowhere. I panic and try to rationally explain myself to her and it never works. She explodes, aggresses, and leaves. Then when we're back together again, she treats me better than I could ever dream of and we're madly in love, both physically and emotionally. Until the next episode. Essentially I am a stupid fool - when we get to the perfect state of our relationship, I convince myself this time I will be able to freeze time and hold it there. I believe I can learn from episodes in the past. And of course I am always wrong.

[maxsterling]

I will echo the same advice as Aussie.  it may not be that extreme - but it's clear you are being hurt by this, and the only way to end the hurt is to quit hoping to contact her.  If she comes around, she comes around.  

Right now, the only way I am able to stay in the same house as my current girlfriend is by detaching and removing expectations.  I've accepted that whatever happens to our relationship has nothing to do with me and is not within my control.  If she leaves, she leaves, and if she stays she stays.  I have to accept that no amount of love from me will make things better.  Yeah, I will be heartbroken, but I am already heartbroken from all the yelling she has dished my way.  She stayed at a friends house last week, and I was inches close from just telling her to find her own place because I could not take any more.  But, she said a few things that made me think she is trying, so she came back into my home and now is really needy.  Should she yell or hit me again, I will feel much stronger about telling her that I can't live with that, and she needs to move out if there is any chance for our relationship.

I will say again for you - enjoy your peace and quiet for now.  Hang out with your friends and take care of you.

[dotSlash]

I will echo the same advice as Aussie.  it may not be that extreme - but it's clear you are being hurt by this, and the only way to end the hurt is to quit hoping to contact her.  If she comes around, she comes around.  

...

I will say again for you - enjoy your peace and quiet for now.  Hang out with your friends and take care of you.

Good advice, and exactly what I planned to do tonight. I finished work a little while ago and hit the gym after, and will be going out with an old friend to our weekly hangout restaurant.

I really appreciate both your advices, aussie and max. Sometimes I let this BPD of hers cloud my rationality and it's good to get grounded again by people like you. Thanks

[maxsterling]

And try not to feel shame over taking her back over and over.  These are confusing relationships, and pwBPD are often very lovable.  I took mine back last weekend because I feared she was suicidal, and I cannot let someone whom I love and claims to be suicidal spend the night alone.   And I don't think it is manipulation - I think she may actually be considering suicide.  But now I am back to the same old same old - her coming home from work and complaining how much her life and job sucks, how tired and stressed she is, and I can't escape it