One month NC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I need your help not to contact my udBPDexGF.  Together 3.5 years, 2 months NC, back together in July then nearly a month ago she said she met some weathly man and she was going to sleep with him and introduce him to her kids--knew him a week).  We have had NC since that point.

Today, suddenly appearing on my Facebook page under my photos, are many pictures of me and my ex in which I am tagged.  These go back over 3 years to the  beginning of our relationship.   I have not seen these since we FB unfriended 6 months ago, but she may have untagged me or hid the photos previously, and now they are open.  We have recycled several times but this is the first time she's tried this FB approach. Is this an indirect recycle attempt?  Has she already painted this new guy black?

[bettermentofsociety]

I need your help not to contact my udBPDexGF.  Together 3.5 years, 2 months NC, back together in July then nearly a month ago she said she met some weathly man and she was going to sleep with him and introduce him to her kids--knew him a week).  We have had NC since that point.

Today, suddenly appearing on my Facebook page under my photos, are many pictures of me and my ex in which I am tagged.  These go back over 3 years to the  beginning of our relationship.   I have not seen these since we FB unfriended 6 months ago, but she may have untagged me or hid the photos previously, and now they are open.  We have recycled several times but this is the first time she's tried this FB approach. Is this an indirect recycle attempt?  Has she already painted this new guy black?

[Perfidy]

Just do what I did. Unless you haven't had enough poison. Block her on Facebook. Recycle is a tango that takes two. Do you want it? Lets see... . Third times a charm? Three strikes you're out? Hell... . Flip a coin. What could possibly go wrong? Good luck with whatever you decide but it is really all a game until you decide to end it. At some point someone has to be the adult.

[Octoberfest]

Hey BOS,

I have almost made myself go crazy trying to interpret or otherwise figure out my BPDex's motives behind some of her actions... . I have an anxious attachment style, and when I think something may be threatening my mind races and I begin to think about and worry about even the most farfetched possibilities.

It sure sounds like she could be doing the thing with the photos in an attempt to get some sort of ruse out of you... . but it could also be a setting she changed perhaps that totally unintentionally caused you to see the photos.  It is just hard to say... . I would imagine that in the near future you will get your answer in the way of whether similar things continue happening or not.  

Food for thought; there is a difference between a recycle and a recycle attempt.  A recycle takes two- a recycle attempt only takes one.  She may very well be making a recycle attempt.  But you get to decide where it goes.  In the end, her reaching back out does not mean you have to reengage... . a thought that I surely didn't understand when I was with my BPDex.  I was pretty much at her beck and call, I'll be here whenever you want me.  I am sorry to hear of how things happened with your BPDex... . the pain and anguish that they can so seemingly nonchalantly cause us is incredible.

[rosannadanna]

At some point someone has to be the adult.

 

This is just so succinctly brillliant, my head almost exploded!  Can I use this as a footnote quote, perfidy?

There is another interesting similiar thread where this is discussed:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=207127.0

A more important question to ask yourself than "Is this a recycle attempt?" is "What percentage of me wants it to be a recycle attempt?"  If you can answer yourself that question, then go one step further and really investigate the feelings behind the desire for a recycle.

[seeking balance]

Is this an indirect recycle attempt?  Has she already painted this new guy black?

I say this kindly - who knows and who cares?

Honestly, you are done - right?

You don't want to be with a woman who will treat you or her kids like that - right?

So, the pics have stirred up some feelings - kinda like stirring up an old mudd puddle and you think it may get clean again, but it won't.

So, let the feelings (mudd puddle) settle down - don't do anything, don't stir it up some more by contacting her, don't look at the photos or facebook for a bit so the mudd puddle of emotions can settle.  When you are calm and rational - deal with FB and the pics then.

You have the self-discipline necessary to do this 

Peace,

SB

[bpdspell]

The Leaving Board is a great source of emotional support but your strength to do what's best lives inside you. Ultimately it all boils down to what you want. Going NC isn't about will power it's an emotional decision to take yourself off the roller coaster for good.   Once you accept that your ex is mentally ill you won't care if she's trying to recycle you because you'll know for sure that making a relationship work with a untreated borderline is insufferable.

If you are fearful of a recycle then more than likely you aren't detached and on the Leaving Board the goal is detachment. Not silent treatment, trying to decipher their every move or blaming our ex's for all of our pain. All of which I've been tempted to do since joining BPD family.   Detachment hurts because it requires looking within our own mirrors for the answers we seek.

What are you doing to focus on yourself?

Spell

[Learning_curve74]

If you want NC, then block her on facebook. You can also set your privacy to not allow anybody to tag you in their photos.

[GreenMango]

Sometimes I think we can be our own worst enemies when I comes to this stuff.  It doesn't have much to do with the other person.

Not being definitive

Unblocking social media to "see" what's going on

Not taking care of our selves and boundaries associated with taking care of ourselves

Trying to mindread

Placing our desires and intentions on the other person

Others asked really good questions that answering those for yourself could make a huge difference in which way forward.

[bettermentofsociety]

Well, thank you all for that.  I have the strength now!

I know detaching is a process and I have a lot to learn.  The self work I am doing is examining deep rooted issues within myself to figure out why I have this nagging feeling to return to her.   I know it is within myself.  I know I should block her on FB, and not look back.   I thought that I could handle it without appearing like I was still needing her.   Blocking on FB sends a message that I am doing everything to avoid her, whereas perhaps I want to send the message that I could care less.  While this is not true, now, I am trying for that eventually.  I want to give a ___ less about her.  I will not be recycled yet again.  I am breaking free, no matter how gorgeous and seductive and what an incredible sexual female she is. 

In the U.S. We put a lot of emphasis on looks and when we meet a person who is really, really good looking, we tend to act differently toward them. I know that it's superficial but we succumb to these desires.   Add on top of that ... . that person has BPD, and the other person having fixing traits or co-dependent ideas... .   It is a toxic mix indeed.  And believe me she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.  Men fall all over themselves around her. She is also deeply, deeply disordered.  I hung around 3 plus years because of her ability to seduce and enrapture, and my inability to recognize my own demons.  I overlooked the worst treatment because of my own feelings about her.  What a mess.   I do miss things about her... .   And when I do I become weak and want to reply, like today.

  Seeing those photos of us together was tough.  I believe it was an attempt to contact me.  Hoping I would somehow message her.   I will not be tempted back into dysregulation and dysfunction.

Thanks again to you all for the great advice.  I will keep coming back to this site to continue the detachment process.  I have learned so much.

[Learning_curve74]

I know detaching is a process and I have a lot to learn.  The self work I am doing is examining deep rooted issues within myself to figure out why I have this nagging feeling to return to her.   I know it is within myself.  I know I should block her on FB, and not look back.   I thought that I could handle it without appearing like I was still needing her.   Blocking on FB sends a message that I am doing everything to avoid her, whereas perhaps I want to send the message that I could care less.

No contact is for you and your health and healing, it's not supposed to be for sending your BPDex some veiled message. It takes two people to play games.

You say you want to work on yourself and your issues, blocking her on fb and other strategies to maintain NC give you time and space away from her to focus on you and not on her. We want to change ingrained/learned patterns of behavior which includes spending too much time and energy on somebody other than ourselves. NC is a tool to help achieve detachment or nonattachment. I know it's hard and I struggle with it too! Good luck.

[bettermentofsociety]

Just to be clear... When I said I had the strength now... I really meant I had the strength not to contact her at that moment based on the replies. I looked at FB again, now she has shared in her Timeline "In a Relationship"... . but it is the Timeline entry from  OUR relationship from 2010 .when we started together... Who does that?  I know she is attempting a recycle

She is now blocked. I will take a break from FB.

[Aussie0zborn]

Good idea.

[GreenMango]

Somethings are better not knowing.  It's not like its going to make it any easier.  Sometimes it just leaves more questions.

Keep looking after you.