messaged her again... going crazy

[tomjon78]

UPDATE!

Well I haven´t been posting here for a while... .Just have been trying to get the situation under control. It´s been really though but still I have to say I have mixed emotions.

We have met and talked a few times. I wont´go into details but I can see clearly I can never be with her. I tried to explain how I was feeling but she just went all around in her communication with me. Either saying she would just do anything to get me back. The next day this and the next day that... .I just really tried to put myself in "therapy mode" as I call it... .Listening to her and not giving in.She telling me she wanted to kill herself and going all over the place with her emotions.

We had a few meetings like this but 4 days ago I kissed her and she became sexual with me but I stopped it (really hard to do).

I have told her numerous times I could not be with her and we would never get back together even though I had feelings for her. I just couldn´t... .She seemed one moment to understand but the next not at all. She pushed a lot of buttons but I didn´t give in until that night when I kissed her. She went into a very personal matter of mine of me being molested as a child and I asked her to stop and leave. I just don´t know what happened then. It was like she got a grip

Then she called me last night and said she wanted sex with me... .I said I was sleeping and not up for that. She then asked me to tell her that she wanted me to make it clear I didn´t want to be with her. I said to her I found it strange to to ask these two questions. I decided to tell her I just wanted to go to sleep.

Now she texted me saying she doesn´t want to talk to me again and she is not mad at all. She just wants to focus on being alone and try to move on because me calling her really messed her up. (she was the one demanding all the sit down talk and calling me and texting)

I find it strange she finds it easy to send one text message after saying she want´s to make love last night and not accepting me not wanting her.

I just replied I had nothing to give her and was really sorry and wished her all the best. I am really trying to close this without the drama we had before... .I tried not to take part in  the guilt game in our conversations.

I have met my therapist and gotten advice from him... .Now I´m just so tired of this. But the only good things after my mistake of drunk dialing her is actually meeting her and to see how ill she is mentally and to have learned a lot of things here and somehow managed to cope.

I just hope this is over now... .I truly have feelings and there is a lot of tension when we are together in the room. I miss her good side... .but I am seeing she just isn´t anywhere near different from the bad side I wish she didn´t have.

[Clearmind]

Very mature Tom! I think this is called getting to a stage of acceptance. Sometimes it takes contact to realize! You handled it well.

How are you emotionally? With your own stuff?

[peas]

Tom, you are the bomb!

I just replied I had nothing to give her and was really sorry and wished her all the best. I am really trying to close this without the drama we had before... .I tried not to take part in  the guilt game in our conversations.

[Surnia]

  tomjon

I am happy to hear from you again and I agree with Clearmind.

You handled it very mature. Seeing her as she is and stand your ground. 

[ucmeicu2]

Well I haven´t been posting here for a while... .Just have been trying to get the situation under control. It´s been really though but still I have to say I have mixed emotions.

We have met and talked a few times. I wont´go into details but I can see clearly I can never be with her. I tried to explain how I was feeling but she just went all around in her communication with me. Either saying she would just do anything to get me back. The next day this and the next day that... .I just really tried to put myself in "therapy mode" as I call it... .Listening to her and not giving in.She telling me she wanted to kill herself and going all over the place with her emotions.

We had a few meetings like this but 4 days ago I kissed her and she became sexual with me but I stopped it (really hard to do).

I have told her numerous times I could not be with her and we would never get back together even though I had feelings for her. I just couldn´t... .She seemed one moment to understand but the next not at all. She pushed a lot of buttons but I didn´t give in until that night when I kissed her. She went into a very personal matter of mine of me being molested as a child and I asked her to stop and leave. I just don´t know what happened then. It was like she got a grip

Then she called me last night and said she wanted sex with me... .I said I was sleeping and not up for that. She then asked me to tell her that she wanted me to make it clear I didn´t want to be with her. I said to her I found it strange to to ask these two questions. I decided to tell her I just wanted to go to sleep.

Now she texted me saying she doesn´t want to talk to me again and she is not mad at all. She just wants to focus on being alone and try to move on because me calling her really messed her up. (she was the one demanding all the sit down talk and calling me and texting)

I find it strange she finds it easy to send one text message after saying she want´s to make love last night and not accepting me not wanting her.

<cut> I miss her good side... .but I am seeing she just isn´t anywhere near different from the bad side I wish she didn´t have.

hi tomjon!  riveting update ~ sounds like a rough time but what an awesome insightful conclusion you came to in the end.

if i'm understanding what you wrote (and plz correct me if i got it wrong) i read it something like this (based on what you said, that i bolded):  you say you clearly can never be with her but then you spend time with her.  you say you clearly can not be with her but then you kiss her and when she responded sexually (and who wouldn't?), you stopped it.  she takes the kiss as a green light (understanding, imo) and calls to say let's make love!  you create confusion in her by saying you needed sleep, rather than verbalizing once again you clearly can never be with her.  then she asked you to verbalize that you clearly cannot be with her  and you would not (could not?) do it.  this created even more confusion in her.

you say you find those 2 things she asked strange. really? ~ seems she was asking for clarification but once again you only said that you needed to sleep.  so she thinks about it for a bit and decides your mixed/conflicting messages are not something she can/wants to handle so she texts and says "i'm not mad, but it's over".

boundaries are not my forte, so it feels strange to me that i'm reading your post and what looks like boundary-busting is jumping out at me.  curious if i am spot-on  or spot-off  . 

icu2

[tomjon78]

Well about the kiss... .of course we both have feelings and tension when we meet and she became very sexually provocative that night so I gave in and kissed her. I stopped it right away even though she wanted me to go further. It was nothing but a weapon of her (without her realizing it) and I did not want to do that to myself or her.

Regarding her phonecall about asking me to meet up and have sex. Many people do these things after breakup and I have done that in other relationships when I was younger. But in the case of the borderline I think it´s about getting power and having the upper hand. I certainly find her attractive and have feelings for her... .she was the best lover I ever had.

I find it strange how she can almost say at the same time she wants to be with me and on the other hand wants to be alone even though she has been meeting up with an ex. In my case I have found it very hard to have the feeling to jump to bed with someone after our breakup.

I made it clear numerous times in our conversations I would not start a rs. with her again... .but the thing with her perception of knowing boundaries and reading my feelings is very disturbed. One minute it sounds like she really understands you, the next she doesn´t. Rejection is a fuel on fire for her (or any BPD) and I just had to stay strong and not give into her.

Her tricks or pushing buttons didn´t work this time as before even though this was very draining. I decided not to make NC because i didn´t want to go through all the threats, texting, phone calls and the drama. Instead I decided to almost bore her with her doing all the talking and just humming things from my side. Explaining how I was not in a good place etc.

I was the one who made contact again with a drunk phonecall... .so in my view I had to do it this way instead of doing the NC again.

I find it strange she wanted to become sexual with her since I explained I could never be with her again after she had been with a man who she constantly talked about in our rs. She talked openly about their sexual life. She said she would never meet up with him. It´s hard to explain in writing but I think I did this as good as the situation was.

But I will always miss her but now the ball is in my hands to keep my sanity and wellbeing by not engaging in contact with her emotionally or physically.

[tomjon78]

Just got a phonecall from a mutual friend... .she told me she has threatened suicide before after breakups... .doesn´t sound surprising to me. It´s just the last puzzle missing in her BPD problems... .

I have been doing all right now. Just having a sense of relief. I still feel i have to concentrate on my wellbeing at the moment. I am for the first time realizing that I can now distance my mind and thoughts from her.



Hope it will stay that way 

[Clearmind]

tomjon, you getting involved will not stop the threats - she has a support network and its wise to stay away.

[Surnia]

Good to hear that you are feeling better, tomjon.

Keep the distance!