Dealing with the world at large

[singlemom]

Dealing with DD has been a major struggle for most of her life, especially the past 7 years.  But as difficult as it is, she is my daughter and I love her, and I just keep plugging along and trying to find that balance between letting her know she can't take advantage of me, and letting her know she's not alone in the world.

But one thing that makes life so much harder is that to the world at large, I'm this bad parent with a spoiled brat child.  Not only to the world at large, but to my own family of origin as well.  If she had a physical disability instead of an emotional one, I'd get sympathy, help, and support.  Instead I get scorn and animosity.  "I'd *never* let my child do that!" is something I've heard over and over.  The funny thing is that I have a normal DS who is one of the best kids you've ever met.  Polite, respectful, and in every way what we all want our kids to grow up to be.  But somehow it seems that the default assumption is that I'm a bad mom who got lucky, not a good one who is dealing with something they can't imagine.

So, usually I'm able to just brush it off because they don't know what they're talking about.  And thankfully I have a wonderful man in my life who loves me and accepts her.  But still, I'm wondering if anyone has found a way to deal with or silence the (only sometimes veiled) judgmentalism we're surrounded by.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

First and foremost, we need to have a strong support network, that does accept us, and knows, who we really are. You need to have that in the real-world (your man being one of them), and we can be part of it too. The more confident you are in knowing that you are ok, and accepted by the people in your support network, the easier it will be to face the disapproval of those who don't really know what's going on.  

Then, it is a combination of you being yourself, and perhaps over time being able to relate little by little, that everything is not as it seems to be on the surface. Sometimes that does not work, unless the relatives have their own separate experiences with the family member w/BPD.

What really helps over-time is developing our skills and using the tools to 1. Protect ourselves and 2. Improve the r/s and help our loved one w/BPD. It does not happen quickly, though, it is a long process with tiny little changes (TLCs).

[vivekananda]

yes to what pessio says. 

There is stigma, there is denial and there is lack of understanding. apart from working on my own support (relying heavily on the wonderful people here and finding a group to meet face to face with, and seeing a T) What I did was to develop a strategy.

First, those who I though were sympathetic, when they asked I spoke about what I was learning - I described my journey to them, it wasn't about my dd, it was about me. Second I developed a way of describing what was happening:

There were those who if they asked I just briefly deflected and changed the topic, or said I didn't want to talk about it or just said 'she was fine last time I saw her' with a breezy, superficial tone.

There were those for whom when I answered their question on how she was, I had a follow up, 'she has a mental illness, you know'. This usually brought the conversation to a dead halt.

There were those who were more sympathetic etc. For them my follow up was: 'she has a personality disorder'. Again this often stopped any further discussion.

Those who I am closest too, and who seemed to be more open. I responded with she has BPD.

singlemom I am impatient with people who want to pretend to me that everything is ok and so forth. My strategy was designed to challenge people to accept my reality or not. It has been over a year since I have been using these words and this strategy and generally people still don't get it, but they are sympathetic towards me where they may not have been in the past.

Thing is that is most important though is that I have changed in that time. Now, people can't hurt me with their comments. And the anger that I have felt with those comments such as you describe, that happened again and again over the years, is dissipating away too. I still feel hurt that I am blamed by well meaning people, but this has eased up and doesn't affect me so much either.

So I dealt with it by following the process suggested by people here: learn about BPD, learn about and implement validation and boundary setting, learn about mindfulness and change the only thing that I can - myself.   I did and I am much happier   although my situation with my dd is as bad as ever.

cheers,

Vivek    

[Someday . . .]

Singlemom; Pessim and Vivek enanda's replies were 'spot on'.  What I would like to add is this:  through the ages so many people would blame the mother for anything 'wrong' with the child.  I remember people talking behind my mothers back about what an obviously 'horrible' mother she was as she had to have caused my sisters schizophrenia (never mind that my sister and I were well adjusted, polite etc.).  When my daughter was 10 and diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome, I heard thru the grapevine that some people felt that I had made her a 'nervous' child . . therefore she, having Tourette's was all my fault.  Last, but not least, after my daughter was diagnosed with BPD and my son was having a real rough time with depression, their pediatrician, whom I highly respected, accused me of causing my kids to have "problems".  Never mind that my son was able to work through the depression and is doing great and is now an honors student at a prestigious university.  Yes, it is difficult to consistently hear that we are the cause of our childrens difficulties due to other peoples opinion of 'our poor parenting'.  The main thing that I was able to do was to 'know my own truth'.  I knew that I was a good parent.  I also knew that the other people had not walked in my shoes and really had no idea what was going on.  Did it still hurt?  Yep, a little.  Did I let it define my own truth?  Nope.

You're in a tough situation.  May all go well.

[singlemom]

Getting a support network in place has been a real struggle for me.  I'm naturally an introvert, and have struggled with depression, especially through and since my divorce.  And the divorce itself -- well the final straw for me in that marriage was when he told me that he thought DD's problems were all my fault because I wasn't strict enough with her.  He has since come to understand that she has a mental illness, and I actually asked him recently if he was willing to retract that, but there is so much animosity that he will never do so.

Thankfully I do have a man who believes in me now, and a couple of therapists who will back me up.  It really stings though that my father and sister don't believe in me.

One question though -- I am loathe to tell people that she has a "mental illness" due to privacy concerns.  It may be wrong, but mental illness carries a pretty harsh stigma.  And I live in a pretty small city -- I often find myself socializing or working with the parents of her classmates for example.  I have told the people closest to me, but the most I will go with anyone else is that she "has some issues".  Do most of you try to protect your child's privacy?

[ConflictedxAMillion]

I really have no words of wisdom more than what others have said here.

I struggle with this sort of thing with my own family as well.  One of my sisters and her husband and one of my neices, as well as my ex-mother-in-law, and DD21's own father.  Not so much in the sense that I'm the guilty party for DDs behaviors, but more so in they don't "buy" the whole mental illness thing.  And to top it off, my sister is a nurse!  I feel that they think it's some "label" I've come up with to excuse DD's behaviors.  I give no excuses for her whatsover.  But the "label" sure does explain alot throughout her entire life.  She has been a struggle since a very very young age.  So, this lack of education and understanding of BPD leads to my DD suffering the consequences of her actions, i.e. she steals or swindles money from family members, so now she has burned her bridges with them.  Most family members don't want much to do with her at all which is very saddening for me.

Even my own husband, her stepdad, didn't understand or try to figure out what the issue was with her (until the last 2 years)... . just wanted to play the tough love game, be more strict, have more consequences - which doesn't work for her... .   I felt very alone in my quest to figure her out and try to make things/relationships better.  I really felt that she was not choosing to be the way she is, that there was something more to it than that.

My own mother was a huge skeptic, until my DD started renting the apartment beneath my mom.  Then mom was subjected to the never-ending lying and maniupulation, the stealing.  I gave my mom one of my books on BPD and she was only able to get part way through it saying that the book was written about my DD and she couldn't go on.  My DD has always been a "special" person to my mom.  However, mom will be the first one to tell you that she knew there was something not right at a very young age.  Now mom understands what life has been like for all of us (me, DD's stepdad and her younger now 14y year old sister.

As for the rest of the family that doesn't want to become educated about it - we simply don't talk about it, and frankly I don't spend any extra time with them... . My thought is if they cannot support me/us, then I don't need to waste my time getting involved with them/their stuff.  It's definitely not the way I would like it to be, but I don't want to spend my life feeling angry at them for what they perceive about us/DD.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone with "the world at large".

[singlemom]

What you said about consequences really resonates.  It's the tried and true wisdom of the world, and I'm sure it works well for most average kids, but with DD, most consequences are seen as a challenge.  "Clear your place or you won't get dessert!"  "No dessert?  Well, then I will scream in your ear for the next two hours."  "Scream in my ear?  Then you are off to your room!"  "Put me in my room?  Then I will kick holes in the wall."  Sort of a ludicrous example, but all too realistic.  There is *nothing* more important to her than not being told what to do.  It *is* possible to make the consequences so dire that she will obey, but only if you are willing to pull out the absolute maximum punishment for even the most minor transgression. 

The net result was that back when we were living with my ex, she would go for months with no phone, no tv, no food that she likes and so on, and yet she would not let it "break" her.  Because everything she cared about was likely to get taken away, she learned not to care about anything. 

On my own, I have moved away from punitive measures.  There might still be consequences, because there always are for actions.  But they will be either natural consequences, or perhaps a result of me holding my boundaries -- *not* artificial "logical" consequences.

What works a bit better, though it takes more effort, is to try to focus on her and what she is saying and talk to her until she feels heard.  Still doesn't work all the time, but at the very least it doesn't escalate her rage.

[Kate4queen]

Well my son with BPD is also physically disabled as he has a form of cerebral palsy that mainly affects his legs and ability to walk without an awkward gait. I spent his whole childhood taking him to physical therapy, literally carrying him on my hip until he could use a walker, liaising with health care professionals, therapists, schools, doctors, hospitals and what happened? We created an individual whose tendency toward being a narcissist and BPD was fed into at every level and gave him a distorted idea of self that demanded attention.

So can you imagine the reaction me and my dh get for distancing ourself from him? We are seen as Monsters and he plays that card with everyone. No one understands except those who've got to know him up close and personal (his 3 siblings) and our family and all the 'friends' he's abandoned along the way.

All you can do is know in your heart that you're doing the best you can for your child and also that you have a right to remain sane and not full of fear in your own home. It took me a long time to understand that and ignore the people who don't get it.

[six]

I am reading this thread and thinking about the years of being told by my parents, "he is wonderful when he is with us, what are you doing wrong in your house?"  Even now, my mother insists that he is not mentally ill and "he will be just fine, he just needs to grow up"  (He's 26!)

I think I would have really doubted my own sanity if not for the fact that I am raising 5 other children who are not BPD (hopefully, anyway) and I am able to see the difference between what a "normal" child having a meltdown looks like, and BPD.  K4Q, can't even imagine what adding a physical disability into this equation would have looked like.

Yesterday we had a family birthday party and everyone went around the room saying nice things about my sister.  When my DSBPD26 had the floor, he talked about all the therapists who are earning money from him by handling all the issues that my sister and my whole family created.  Everyone laughed nervously.  there were people in the room who I have never even met before.  I was embarrassed, but I also realize that hanging out our dirty laundry for the world to see is going to be a fact of life for me, so I better get used to it.

In the past, I would have called him on speaking so rudely at my sisters party and he would have ended up in a rage.  Instead,

thanks to this board, the reading that I've done, and the course I took I was able to have a conversation with him afterward and I didn't get caught up in the words he said at the party.  I tried to focus on the pain he is in.  this is getting easier with practice.  I also sense that as he matures, he is more willing to try to communicate with me instead of screaming and throwing fits.  Still, his pain is unbearable. he is lonely and isolated and does not know how to have a relationship with a human being.

[vivekananda]

yeh, yeh and yeh. all of it and more ... . my sis IL with whom I have spent time explaining the situation with dh adding to it and explaining in agreement, said to me last Sat night 'oh well she'll grow up one day' I replied 'she's 32, no she won't grow up.' I didn't add not without treatment etc... . I was just direct and to the point. People just can't handle it and want to pretend it isn't happening so they can go on with their lives. I wasn't upset with my sis IL, as I have learnt the skills etc here, I have become better at understanding why people say what they say etc. I am learning to recognise the emotions behind their words - thanks to validation. I am able to listen better.

Two things I want to add to the discussion.

1) I try to only have around me people who will contribute to my well being. If there are people who will regularly upset me, if I can, I exclude them from my life. I need people around me who can support me, not people who will bring me down and I am not strong enough yet to include the negative naysayers in my life.

2) Other words I use to describe 'things': this or that person 'has a difficult personality' - I use this now for the many in my families who have BPD personality traits ie self righteousness, self entitlement, superiority (narcissistic). I would only use the words mental illness with someone I trusted - someone who already understood.

Anyway, it does become better in time, with practice and as I learn more about things like validation and mindfulness.

Vivek    

[singlemom]

It's definitely good to have the people here just believe me.  Talk about validation!  Our kids aren't the only ones who need it sometimes!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

It's too easy for us to be target practice, we gotta give them something more challenging to target!

If we use validation on those who criticise us (not sarcasm), then we just show to ourselves, to the world and to them that they are barking up the wrong tree.

Yes validation amongst ourselves is a wonderful gift. Validation from those who care really counts 

cheers,

Vivek    

[pessim-optimist]

On my own, I have moved away from punitive measures.  There might still be consequences, because there always are for actions.  But they will be either natural consequences, or perhaps a result of me holding my boundaries... .

What works a bit better, though it takes more effort, is to try to focus on her and what she is saying and talk to her until she feels heard.  Still doesn't work all the time, but at the very least it doesn't escalate her rage.

I really liked an explanation between punishment and boundaries/consequences:

Punishment looks back in time and does not give the opportunity to improve.

Consequences look forward into the future and give an opportunity for improved behavior.

[qcarolr]

What you said about consequences really resonates.  It's the tried and true wisdom of the world, and I'm sure it works well for most average kids, but with DD, most consequences are seen as a challenge.  "Clear your place or you won't get dessert!"  "No dessert?  Well, then I will scream in your ear for the next two hours."  "Scream in my ear?  Then you are off to your room!"  "Put me in my room?  Then I will kick holes in the wall."  Sort of a ludicrous example, but all too realistic.  There is *nothing* more important to her than not being told what to do.  It *is* possible to make the consequences so dire that she will obey, but only if you are willing to pull out the absolute maximum punishment for even the most minor transgression. 

The net result was that back when we were living with my ex, she would go for months with no phone, no tv, no food that she likes and so on, and yet she would not let it "break" her.  Because everything she cared about was likely to get taken away, she learned not to care about anything. 

On my own, I have moved away from punitive measures.  There might still be consequences, because there always are for actions.  But they will be either natural consequences, or perhaps a result of me holding my boundaries -- *not* artificial "logical" consequences.

This is so true for many of our kids. And others can be so harsh and judgemental. They just do not get the level of overwhelming lonliness and pain that our BPD kids live in every day. A pwBPD has a limited ability to engage their 'thinking' brain, most espcially when they are in a dysregulated emotional state.

What works a bit better, though it takes more effort, is to try to focus on her and what she is saying and talk to her until she feels heard.  Still doesn't work all the time, but at the very least it doesn't escalate her rage.

This is the heart of validation. And it sure does take a lot of effort. Effort for me to change my old attitudes and to let go of old expectations and concerns about what others believe.

The hardest part for me right now, today, is finding a way to support being a validating force with my gd8 as her friends next door have parents that believe full force in 'love and logic'.  This does not work at all with my BPDDD27, and is a struggle for my gd who has anxiety and attachemnt issues from the chaos she has survived so far in her young life.  My FOO has mostly abadoned my family as well - they hate how much they have seen DD hurt us. And they also are in a logic/consequence based state of mind. ie. the right actions on our part will change who DD is and make our life more 'normal'. DD knows of this harsh judement on her and has not participated in many extended family activites since she was old enough to stay home on her own. This isolation is so sad for all of us.

As I have learned how to take better care of my needs, how to put values-based boundaries in place (that protect me and do not judge and attempt to change DD), and practice skills needed to be a validating presence in DD's life things are slowly getting better. My depressin is better, so my family can deal with our family better. And I never have given up hope that a healthier relationship can be built with my DD. And this is working -- lots of bumps but things are better.

Hang in there. Keep coming back. Keep reading and practicing skills. Have hope for yourself.

qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

I have found that if we can phrase our statements (wishes & consequences) in a way that feels to our adult child w/BPD that we stand alongside them and open up a few options for them to choose from and decide, it makes it easier for them to cooperate.

That's where validation comes into place, and boundaries in a way that give them opportunity to make a decision freely, for themselves (hopefully a wise one), knowing what the consequences are in either case.

If we basically say the same thing, but phrase it in a way that feels punitive/confrontational, it often gets us that 'dig-in the heels' response... .

It takes practice and it takes change in ourselves, too (how WE look at situations) - do we see them as problems, or do we see them as opportunities? And also - it is much easier to do here on the website, than in real time.

So - everyone - let's not be too hard on ourselves, when we're not perfect every time.   

[singlemom]

My FOO has mostly abadoned my family as well - they hate how much they have seen DD hurt us.

This is exactly what my mom would say to me.  I'd say that she's my daughter and I was never going to stop loving her, and I wanted them to love her too, and mom would say, "I just can't stand to see how she treats you."  I never was able to get through to Mom that the best way to show her love for me, was to love and accept my daughter too.

Someone further upthread said their sister is a nurse -- I can do one better.  My sister is a psych nurse, who spent most of her career working with troubled teens!  I think of all the good she *could* have done me.  She could have said, "you know, the things your daughter are going through seem to be more intense than the normal child, you might want to consider... . "  And given me advice or point me to reading material or support groups or something.  Instead she told me, "Your baby is kind of hard to like" (DD age 4 months), "I'd *never* let my child say something like that!"  (DD aged 11), and "Well, at least my kids don't hate me!" (Recently, DD aged 18)  I honestly feel bad for her patients when she obviously has no understanding of or empathy for mental illness.

[griz]

Singlemom:  You hit the nail on the head.  When someone loves you the best that they can do is understand and try to show compassion.  My brother has lots of issues.  Has taken money from my parents, been mean to them and for years I was so angry and I would get angry and say things to my mother.  And then one day it dawned on me... . It is her son no matter what.  I don't have to like the things he does and I am sure she doesn't either so she really doesn't need to hear about it from me.  Instead of asking her how she can speak to him, I started asking her "if she spoke to him and how he was doing".  If she said she hadn't heard from him, I would encourage her to give him a call.  When he was short with her on the phone and she seemed upset about it I would remind her that sometimes he has bad days.  I have tried to give her tools for dealing with how he is and sometimes she uses them and sometimes she doesn't.  And I never utter a bad word about him, even though he has been horrible to me for many many years and stopped speaking to me when my DD became ill.  I haven't spoken to my brother for over 3 years.  I do not want anymore pain but because I love my mother I accept him for who he is.  I understand and honor her love for him and I have let him know that no matter what I am his sister and would be here for him if he needs me.

And in the end although I found acceptance of him for my mother's sake.  I have learned to forgive and in many ways he has made me a better person.

I am sorry your family cannot do the same. It is hard.  Believe me I know it all too well.  But sometimes our hearts grow in the strangest ways.

Griz

[raytamtay3]

Just wanted to chime in that is is a very good topic. And how I can soo relate! Thanks for posting it. 

[FaithfulHope]

Excellent topic!   We can all relate in our own way.  Each of us came to the understanding of BPD through our own unique journeys.   I have been dealing with issues with my ddBPD21 since she was 8 years old.   And looking back now, her personality traits were there from day one.   I didn't learn of BPD until she was 17.   So, like you, I have had many many years of a troubled child with people who didn't understand what my husband and I were dealing with (we didn't know what was going on either).   I can't tell you how many times I have heard people say "Oh don't worry, she will snap out of it".     Well, she is now 21 and she hasn't 'snapped out of it' and I now know she won't.   She can get better but she has to work at it.

This journey has changed me too.  I don't have the patience or interest in friendships that involve any kind of drama or judgements.   I was friendly with a woman for several years who at one point told me that I just need to tell my dd to 'suck it up'.   I will never for that one... . .   Oh yeah, let's try that.  I am sure that will fix everything!   

Several months ago, this same woman became upset with another mutual friend because she felt this other friend didn't 'do enough' for her when her mother died.   She had to keep confiding in me that she was hurt and eventually she 'unfriended' this other woman on facebook.   The other woman had no idea that she had not done enough to support this friend and was very sad when she got 'unfriended'.  How silly is all of this?   I am dealing with a ddBPD21.   Do I have the energy and time for this petty stuff?   No, so I distanced myself from the 'suck it up' friend.   The other friend I am still in contact with as she has been dealing with a very tough personal issue herself.   We don't put expectations on each other like our former friend does.   I don't have the time, energy, or patience for any of that.  I get enough drama with dd... . too much! 

I cherish the friendships I have today.   They are fewer than they used to be but they are uncomplicated and mutually rewarding.   Having a pwBPD makes you treasure what is truly important in life. 

I love this site!   TY for giving me a place to open up honestly.

 

[griz]

A wonderful topic that all of us have experienced.  Like FaithfulHope I was given lots of wonderful advice also, I should tell DD to snap out of it, suck it up, my favoite "Just stop it" and more.  I have been judged by so many and lost many friends.  No let me correct that, lost all but 2 friends.  I cried rivers over losing those friends and felt so alone and abandoned but in the end I have changed tremendously.  I too have no patience or interest in people who judge me or for that fact anyone else.  I no longer miss those friendships nor cry about them however I do have anger toward them, which I am working on letting go of.

Our journey changes us in so many ways.  I believe it makes us better people even though are lives are hard.  The unfortunate part for our lovely children it is hard enough to navigate the world without BPD issues, their issues make it so much harder.  I try very hard to model for my DD.  To show her that we do not need to hang on to people who do not bring happiness into our lives.  To cherish the ones that bring us happiness and peace.

I cherish all my friends here. Thank you for  your support. Thank you for not judging. Thank you for listening.

Griz

[FaithfulHope]

Griz... .  

Perfectly stated!  I feel the same.   In life we all are faced with challenges... . all of us... . and in every 'bad, tough, rough' situation, there is good that comes out of it!  I liked what you said about modeling for your daughter about friendships.   

I also know exactly what you meant about feeling alone.   I really felt alone for years and years.  I felt so alone in my quest to figure out what was different about my child.  I never found any book to help me or any other child like mine.   My child was a chronic liar probably since she could talk.   I kept trying to find another child like mine.   Quite honestly it wasn't until the Casey Anthony trial that I finally found someone who lies like my dd.   

So this group is the answer to alot of my prayers!   I cherish this site and all of you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[sunshineplease]

Humans need to make sense of the incomprehensible so that they can find a way to sleep at night. If we weren't all able to compartmentalize to a certain degree, we'd be too paralyzed with fear to live our lives. So how do people live with the fact that what happened to my child might happen to theirs? By assigning blame to the one, obvious thing they believe they are not: Bad parents.

WE know mental illness a genetic, developmental, medical, and environmental crap shoot with dash of fate thrown in, but that's easier to accept when you're already living with it. By looking for controllable ways in which my child's circumstances are different than theirs -- finding a preventable "reason" my child is suffering -- my neighbors can continue to believe there's justice in the world and "it" won't happen to their kids.

It's hard to have empathy for those folks who can only get through the day by believing themselves to be better than I am. It's a form of bigotry no different, really, than racism or homophobia. But it comes from fear, and I get it. I'm scared, too. My UD18's mental illness has forced me to grow. The blamers just haven't had that "opportunity" yet.

And yes, it s-u-c-k-s.

[vivekananda]

I love irony 

My UD18's mental illness has forced me to grow.

sunshine you have reminded me. I came on these boards wanting to change my dd only slowly coming around to realising that I had to change. It was my mental health that I needed to attend to, it was my personal growth I needed to direct, I needed to become a better person than I was. So, do I say 'thanks BPD'? 

Did I ever tell you about the good friend who when I was going crazy with worry about drugs and everything else when dd was about 19, said: 'oh, I was once like that but I turned out ok'. My response was a tart 'what makes you think I want dd to be like you?' I had had enough of those sorts of comments. Well this dear old friend I haven't seen too much of and it doesn't seem to me that her life is very happy. I haven't spoken to her since we told her dd had BPD... . like many I think she doesn't know what to say and doesn't want to look too closely at things.

As Socrates said: "the unexamined life is a life not worth living."

another pithy saying: "be the person you want to live with." There's a good exercise - describe the sort of person you would want to spend your life with, and then see how you fit the picture yourself.

cheers,

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

WE know mental illness a genetic, developmental, medical, and environmental crap shoot with dash of fate thrown in, but that's easier to accept when you're already living with it. By looking for controllable ways in which my child's circumstances are different than theirs -- finding a preventable "reason" my child is suffering -- my neighbors can continue to believe there's justice in the world and "it" won't happen to their kids.

In 2011, when dh and I allowed our DD now 27 to move back into our home, and for her homeless friends to come and go; even stay with us for periods of time; the neighbors could not cope with their fears. We were isolated very consicously by everyone that had kids that played with our gd now 8. I was so so angry, feeling this was so so unfair and harsh as biased. I had a belief that they were overprotective of their kids, who would be facing an uncertain world the same as gd some day. It was with great effort that I tried to 'accept' their rights to live their lives as they chose including how they raise their kids.

Well, I have come to understand some of their fears were valid, and I needed to be more cautious with my gd. I had to work out how to get support for myself that could help me grow in so many ways. I had all these new tools and ideas in my head, and just couldn't seem to sincerely put them into practice. In my case, the next door neighbors inviting gd and I to church cracked open my heart a bit. And now the sun is just peaking over the horizon in there. So much warmer and filled with fresh air.

I get it that DD has serious issues with substance use and mental illness. And she is not in a place to be able to accept treatment. She will soon be either in jail for 60-90 days (365 days is the longest possiblity open to the judge this week) or in our home under house arrest. Or some combination of these. She has intermittently worked to be connected to gd, but I realize recently that it ME that gd needs every single moment in her life to feel safe, secure and then loved. She cannot feel the love until she can feel safe.

DD cannot feel the love until she feels safe - this is rare for her so she projects, self-medicates, avoids. The neighbors and some others cannot feel the love as they also are filled with fear. Often I cannot feel the love as I am overwhlemed by fears. 

My new favorite quote: "According to the Stress Model, all behavior arises from a state of stress; and between the behavior and the stress is the presence of a primary emotion. There are only two primary emotions: Love and Fear. It is through the expression, processing and understanding of the primary emotion that you can calm the stress and diminish the behavior"  quote from Dr. Bryan Post's model in "Beyond Consequences, Vol.1" by Heather Forbes and Bryan Post.

This corresponds to so much I have learned here at bpdfamily.com about myself, and how my thinking and actions can have a positive or negative impact on my family and community (ie. neighbors). And this also allows me to truly, in my heart, mind, body and soul let go of those neighbors who choose to limit contact with me and my family. We do have good boundaries now with DD and her friends and drug use. We do love and support our BPDDD in any way that we can, while protecting our family home and my precious gd from harm. We cannot limit all harmful impacts to this traumatized little girl - yet I can sit with her, hold her, let her talk out her fears, and then love her through them. And she will allow me to do this.

Dd sees this, and she picks up on it when she is regulated enough to be out of her own fear to listen and think and process. And the same goes for the neighbors. If they look, they can see the changes in our home with the kids playing in our front yard again (some of them anyway) and no police cars at our curb. The neighbors next door allow me to share how my gd's needs and expression of those differ from their 3 kids (who do not have the same levels of trauma or difficulty in processing it, perhaps). And though they may not understand our love and support for DD, they are not holding against us.  I so value this r/s.

So I look for those that can support me, and am letting go (and being quieter around) those that cannot support me and my family's needs.

Hope this is not too far off topic.

qcr   

[vivekananda]

Oh qcr, that is so much talking to my heart. I need to really think on it and absorb the wisdom.

The opposite of fear is trust. We so need trust in our world, open heartedness, acceptance. We so need to be able to stand on our own two feet and walk with our heads high, in trust for all that is about us. But this is a balancing act. I think I can do that when I let go of my ego and open myself to those around me and to the great universe. This is how I can find my place.

best wishes,

Vivek