Hi Yeager1003 and
When I travel for work, my wife calls and texts constantly. There's always some "crisis" at home that needs "fixing." A fight with her parents, a fight with one of her kids, something that she HAS to discuss, at length, for sometimes hours while I'm trying to work. Once, during an important dinner meeting, she sent me a text saying our marriage was over if I didn't call her THAT INSTANT. What happened next was me missing over 30 minutes of the meeting.
It might be helpful for you to look up the term "object constancy." It is understood that people with BPD (pwBPD) *lack* object constancy. Object constancy is something that non-disordered people take for granted.
One aspect of object constancy, is that when our loved one isn't immediately available and/or visible to us, we can still recall the security of our attachment. Just because I can no longer see my wife at right this instant, I am still comfortable in knowing that my attachment to her, and her attachment to me is pretty much the same as the last time I was in her company (this morning). However, this is not the case for people who *lack* object constancy.
For people who lack object constancy, when they cannot see or engage in their attachment, their "object", then they question the attachment, they wonder if that object is still attached to them because they have not *internalized* this attachment (or perhaps any attachment). So they cannot maintain the "constancy" of their "object". So it's a little like they have emotional amnesia.
When you are away. She can suddenly experience a fear that you are no longer attached to her. And this is why she will on occasion call you up frantically to verify that you are actually still attached to her. In a sense, this behavior is an expression of their disordered fear of abandonment. She is trying to get in touch with you to desperately verify that you have *not* suddenly abandoned her.
Another aspect of her disordered fear of abandonment, is that she will experience this fear even it the potential for this abandonment exists only in her head (i.e., you have no intention of leaving her). So this is why she will often accuse you of considering to leave her, because she will imagine it from time to time, or often. And it is more comforting to her believe that her disorder feelings have more to do with your intention than her mental illness.
This month, mostly due to her constant demands and interruptions, I am way behind on a deadline. Out of blue, she suggested I rent a place at the beach for a few days to get caught up. Knowing what usually happens in while I'm away (see above), I resisted. What was the point? But she kept at it, emailing me properties to consider and in short wouldn't stop until I relented and rented one. Of course, the texts, calls and emotional breakdowns, angry outbursts, tears, etc. have continued. If I don't call, I'm berated. If I don't immediately answer a text, I am questioned - no, interrogated.
Anywhere, here's my question: if fear of abandonment is at the heart of this disorder, if separation causes major issues, why would she encourage a separation? To test me? Because she relishes the drama of doubt, suspicion, and gets satisfaction from it somehow? I'm very confused.
Why would she encourage a separation? I can imagine a lot of reasons.
(1) She is experiencing this disordered fear that you intend to abandon her. But she is having difficulty coping with these feelings. She either considers that she is *disordered* and that her feelings are a product of her disorder, or else she needs to believe that you are the reason why she feels this way. And so... . if she persuades you to go on a trip, she has (in her mind) a justifiable reason why she is experiencing her disordered fear of abandonment. And she can consciously blame you.
She is setting you up, so that she can knock you down. Because she is not ready or willing to consider that the problem resides within her.
(2) When she is *with* you, she doesn't experience this anxiety when you are not around her. Moreover, she cannot recall how she experiences separation anxiety *even though* she has experienced this many times before. You know what they say about people who do the same things over and over, each time expecting a different result. So when she suggested that you take a trip, at that moment, she has truly no idea that she is going to have a hard time later on.
(3) She has an ulterior reason for asking you to take a trip. When pwBPD have trouble dealing with their disordered fear of abandonment, one way to mitigate this fear is to be the one who abandons first, even if it is only for a short time, such as in a short affair. Perhaps she asked you to take this trip so that she can have this affair. But for one reason or another, this affair does not work out and she is left with just dumping on you for her disordered feelings.
Fear of abandonment is at the core of this disorder. But it can drive pwBPD to act in many different ways as a means to "avoid" this perceived (if imagined) abandonment. It may be that they are not even consciously aware of this fear but end up acting on it instinctually.
Hope some of this helps.
Best wishes, Schwing
