Need some advice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I work from home. My uBPDw (is that abbreviation correct?) is on an extended medical leave at work. The problem is the constant interruptions. She'll make an appointment, have a phone conversation, read something, see something on TV, or have some fleeting thought about some trivial matter and interrupt me. If I'm on the phone, she practically jumps up and down and waves her arms and says, "I have to talk to you NOW." I tried working at coffee shops, but that didn't help much. She couldn't physically interrupt, so she turned to texts and calling. Never anything important, always something that could wait. After a lot of reading about BP, I think I get what's going on, but my problem is how do I address it? I've tried politely and firmly asking her to stop and suggesting alternatives that might sooth her abandonment and rejection issues, all to no avail. I've tried positive reinforcement those few times when she will let me work, praising her and telling her how much I appreciate her "thoughtfulness" She is now so attuned to physical cues, that if I let my guard down and let on I'm annoyed at the 20th interruption, it triggers a rage.

Do I set a firm boundary here, telling her, "I love you, you're very important to me, and I don't want you to think my needing to work means your needs don't matter, but this is the way I support our family and I will have to insist we talk after my work's done for the day." Then ignore the texts and calls unless it's an emergency? How do I handle the inevitable rage that will result? (Because EVERYTHING will be important. Or, if not, my not responding will be!)

Thanks in advance. This site is a life-saver. I honestly thought I was losing my mind before I learned about BPD.

[yeager1003]

I work from home. My uBPDw (is that abbreviation correct?) is on an extended medical leave at work. The problem is the constant interruptions. She'll make an appointment, have a phone conversation, read something, see something on TV, or have some fleeting thought about some trivial matter and interrupt me. If I'm on the phone, she practically jumps up and down and waves her arms and says, "I have to talk to you NOW." I tried working at coffee shops, but that didn't help much. She couldn't physically interrupt, so she turned to texts and calling. Never anything important, always something that could wait. After a lot of reading about BP, I think I get what's going on, but my problem is how do I address it? I've tried politely and firmly asking her to stop and suggesting alternatives that might sooth her abandonment and rejection issues, all to no avail. I've tried positive reinforcement those few times when she will let me work, praising her and telling her how much I appreciate her "thoughtfulness" She is now so attuned to physical cues, that if I let my guard down and let on I'm annoyed at the 20th interruption, it triggers a rage.

Do I set a firm boundary here, telling her, "I love you, you're very important to me, and I don't want you to think my needing to work means your needs don't matter, but this is the way I support our family and I will have to insist we talk after my work's done for the day." Then ignore the texts and calls unless it's an emergency? How do I handle the inevitable rage that will result? (Because EVERYTHING will be important. Or, if not, my not responding will be!)

Thanks in advance. This site is a life-saver. I honestly thought I was losing my mind before I learned about BPD.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Hi,

Yes, you need to set a boundary.

Something along the lines of:  While I'm working to earn money for the household, I can't be interupted unless it's equivalent to a 911 emergency (deathly ill, house on fire, etc)...   However, if you want to "chat", then you can text/call during my break (and give her a set break time).  If you text during a non-break time and it's not a 911 moment, I will respond during my break time.  If you call or come into my workspace during a non-break time and it's not a 911 moment, then I will quickly end the call/conversation by saying that I'll call/talk to you during break. 

[yeager1003]

Thanks for the advice. I've said things along those lines, but not with enough detail, maybe. On one of her good days, it all works great. The problem is when she's been triggered by something else and of course I'm her go-to guy. I'll be honest, I kind of envy the SO of BPs who get the silent treatment!

[an0ught]

Hi yeager,

Thanks for the advice. I've said things along those lines, but not with enough detail, maybe. On one of her good days, it all works great. The problem is when she's been triggered by something else and of course I'm her go-to guy. I'll be honest, I kind of envy the SO of BPs who get the silent treatment!

The key question is not what to SAY but what YOU DO when she steps over the boundary. Initial boundary setting is a process where one almost is guaranteed to have to deal with the other party stepping over. And then there need to be consequences you control. Not having direct consequences is giving her the ok for not listening carefully to you and the go-ahead for future abusive behavior.

You work in coffee shops and she calls? If she breaks the rule tell her that you won't pick up for the rest of the day and stick to it. You may have to delete a few texts and voice messages and for your sanity you may tell her that you will do that without bothering reading them and again stick to that. When you get back she will be very upset and you may have to validate her fear that in case the sky would have fallen she could not have reached you. Poor her. Too much of that nonsense and it may require another session at a coffee shop or maybe around that time a place serving dinner for you.

Of course if something truly happens you are out of reach. Just like a lot of people in pre-cellphone times. Or people on business trips and in particular airplanes.

These steps sound simple but going through the first few extinction bursts is never easy. It is hard, painful and take guts. Doing it cleanly (see workshops on boundaries, timeouts and validation to manage the fallout) a few times decreases the risks and often has a significant positive impact beyond the particular boundary.

Hang in there  ,

a0