My inventory of the BPD relationship.

[Perfidy]

My behavior in this relationship was so less than healthy. Right from the start I made huge mistakes. I had given up on love. I chose poorly in a partner. I wasn't looking for a long term relationship or even any commitment. I wanted a one night stand or just a casual relationship mainly for sex. So it began. I accepted a partner who was way younger. Sixteen years. I met her in a bar. I chose a partner with a drug problem. Meth. I didn't care. It wasn't supposed to last. I rescued her. I let her stay with me when she got into a fight with her dad. I should have told her to work it out and sent her home. I told her that I would take care of her. She had no job. I should have let her figure it out for herself. I accepted her disrespect. She spit on me and I got upset but I let her stay. I should have ended it right then and there. I caught her stealing my things. It should have ended there. I accepted her physical abuse. When I asked her to leave and she refused I should have involved the law. I made every mistake that I possibly could have. I didn't believe her at first when she told me she was mentally ill. I am suffering because I made unhealthy choices and I accept full responsibility for myself. It lasted for many years. Many times I was physically,mentally,emotionally and financially abused. I was also manipulated sexually. I allowed all of this. I allowed myself to be dragged down to the point of desperation. I allowed myself to be taken almost to the point of no return.

[talithacumi]

I'm not saying any of the observations you made/insights you've had about your part in this dance aren't valid. They are. All of them. 100%. No question about it.

But it isn't ALL on you, my friend. It DOES take two to do this particular dance, and just because she has a disorder doesn't mean she didn't know the steps and wasn't dancin' that thing for all it was worth.

There's a boundary when it comes to taking responsibilty that a lot of us - myself VERY much included - tend not to see or to ignore/dismiss entirely in situations like this.

That boundary is: you take responsibility JUST for your stuff ... . you let HER take responsibility for HERS ... . and if you're not sure whose is whose, you EACH take half.

It can be really compelling - especially when we're hurt, confused, uncertain, insecure, and afraid - to simply take full responsibility for what happened - or to take as much as we can rationally justify taking anyway - because if we tell ourselves we allowed/made it happen, we also get to tell ourself we can fix it/make it better.

It's okay, I think, to play the critical parent - heap all the blame/responsibility for this mess on yourself for a while - and feel really stupid, weak, reckless, irresponsible, petty, selfish, etc., etc. about all the ways you've acted to make this horrible awful thing happen - because I do think, by doing so, you WILL eventually end up feeling like you can change things/make them better for yourself - when maybe that isn't so easy to do if you have to give half that responsibility/power to change to someone who's so recently proven themselves to be so irretractably disordered, untrustworthy, unpredictable, unreliable, and completely unable to take any responsibilty for anything they've done at all.

Hang in there, man. It DOES get better.

Big hug ... . TC

[Want2know]

Personal inventory is about you - it's not about your partner. 

This is where we ask the hard questions about what it is about you that perhaps found you in the relationship, and what work do you need to do in order to progress.

You use the phrase 'should have' a few times.  Easier to say in hindsight.  What do you want to change about yourself where you can be certain that you won't find yourself in this situation in the future?

[Perfidy]

TC... Thank you for the comment. This is my inventory not hers. I am focusing soley on myself. I am not looking at her at all. My healing depends on me and me alone. Her part is her business and I do hope that she gets the help she needs. I am detaching. Attempting to put everything about her out of my life. It's hard. I must come to not desire her at all if I am to stop suffering. I am getting better but it's slow. I am too aware that I wasn't in this alone and I feel that this awareness is a huge barrier for me. I need to let go of my anger. Let go of her and get ahold of myself. In taking full responsibility for myself I am not taking full responsibility for the relationship only full responsibility for my part in it. She has to take responsibility for her part but that may not happen. I will heal. I am hurt but I will heal and hopefully I will be stronger than before. I have a ways to go yet. Peace.

[Perfidy]

Want2know... Thank you for responding to my post. In my inventory I am looking for the mistakes that I made in an effort to change my behaviour. I have made it this far without committing suicide. I have a chance. My life continues for now. My condition is still horrible most of the time but I can see that life goes on. The pain is lessening and I can almost see a future for myself. If life it is then I want to be happy. I might have the opportunity to be with someone that really does love me just for me.

[Want2know]

I had given up on love. I chose poorly in a partner. I wasn't looking for a long term relationship or even any commitment. I wanted a one night stand or just a casual relationship mainly for sex... .  I chose a partner with a drug problem. Meth. I didn't care.

Are you saying you gave up on finding a peer and took someone that was needy and desperate?

Why did you feel you couldn't find a peer or wait longer?  

You moved a meth addict in your house?  That never goes well.  You blocked your availability to others.  

Go back to the start.  There was a reason. What was it?

[Perfidy]

Want2know I gave up. I didn't care about love anymore. I didn't know much about drug addiction. She said she wanted to quit. She didn't even try to quit. I couldn't quit for her. I know a lot about addiction now. More than I ever wanted to. I knew she was mentally ill. She told me. She was on meds when I met her. Honestly... I didn't want a relationship with her at first. Through out the entire relationship I wanted her to get out. She wouldn't leave. She wanted total control of everything. My rescuing and her victim were a match made in hell.

[Want2know]

Want2know I gave up. I didn't care about love anymore.

You gave up on caring about love before you met her or after?

[Perfidy]

I gave up before I met her. I was fresh out of a relationship with a woman that I thought I was going to marry. It became unhealthy and I left her. That's when I gave up.

[Want2know]

Many of us entered into relationships with our pwBPD when we were coming off a bad relationship - I did.  I had just ended a 12 year marriage, was feeling totally vulnerable and overlooked a lot of red flags because I just didn't want to be on my own, at the time.

What happened in your prior relationship with the woman you thought you were going to marry that became unhealthy?

[Perfidy]

I couldn't deal with her prescription pain pill habit. She was a migraine sufferer and she would routinely over medicate. She would get sick and make herself loopy on her meds. It made me sick to be around her. She had all of the addiction traits including the anger. She slapped me and I packed up and moved out.

[Skip]

I couldn't deal with her prescription pain pill habit. She was a migraine sufferer and she would routinely over medicate. She would get sick and make herself loopy on her meds. It made me sick to be around her. She had all of the addiction traits including the anger. She slapped me and I packed up and moved out.

Perfidy, are you saying you left one person because she over medicated her migraines and sought refuge with a meth addict?

What pain medication did your fiancee' abuse?  Here is a list of migrame meds:

   Selective serotonin receptor (5-HT1) agonists (triptans)

   Ergot alkaloids

   Analgesics

   Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs)

   Combination products

   Antiemetics

Prophylactic medications include the following:

   Antiepileptic drugs

   Beta blockers

   Tricyclic antidepressants

   Calcium channel blockers

   Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)

   NSAIDs

   Serotonin antagonists

   Botulinum toxin

[Perfidy]

Feronal. When it stopped working or she started having withdrawal she would have to go and get injected with Demerol. At least once a month.

[Perfidy]

She always ran out. Never made her meds last and used more than prescribed. She also was on antidepressants because of her divorce she went to a T and he prescribed them for her. She is on them to this day. We still talk but don't date or see each other. I can tell just by talking to her what she's on and how many she's taken. She uses that stuff when she is stressed. I talked to her on the phone last night. She was looped on feranol. Probably at least four of them. Slurred words,poor cognition.

[Skip]

Feronal. When it stopped working or she started having withdrawal she would have to go and get injected with Demerol. At least once a month.

Was this under a doctors oversight?

Perfidy, are you saying you left one person because she over medicated her migraines and sought refuge with a meth addict?

Going back to this - if the Feronal thing was troubling, why get involved with a meth addict.  I would think that this is the last place you would turn.  But you did and getting you hands on why will help.

It will probably take some soul searching.  Questions like these are hard to answer and often the first answer we latch onto isn't the one we ultimately believe.

Was this simply a rebound relationship?  Rather than grieve and recover and clear the field, did you reach for a quick "feel good" or something comfortable? 

Or was this a fountain of youth relationship?  These are tough breakups.

Something else?

[Perfidy]

Skip it was going to be A casual relationship. I fell for the wounded bird/victim behaviour. Once she got her hooks in me she just would not leave. Then the idealization was over the top from both sides. Mirroring in the extreme. She really had no identity of her own. No job,no hobbies,no real friends.

[Skip]

Skip it was going to be A casual relationship. I fell for the wounded bird/victim behaviour. Once she got her hooks in me she just would not leave. Then the idealization was over the top from both sides. Mirroring in the extreme. She really had no identity of her own. No job,no hobbies,no real friends.

Are you saying you were weaker than her.  She manipulated you?  You were helpless to her addicts charms?

Perfidy, I'd headbutt you now, but I have a Styrofoam head and it dents easily and it stains.

Personal inventory is hard, man.  It's very personal.

She had no hooks.  A beer bottle has no hooks.  A slot machine has no hooks.

We have weaknesses.  We have dysfunctional coping.  We have deep wounds ourselves that we have to uncover and then face.

Let me ask, if you had a do-over, and you were a pillar of strength, a mans man, top of your game, what would you have done different starting with the gf getting loopy on Feronal?  Can you draw that map?

[Perfidy]

Skip I think the first attraction is always the same. Visual. I can't tell if anyone is an addict by looking at them. When I found out that the one was a meth user I didn't even understand about how bad that stuff is. She said she wanted to quit! I thought it was just that simple. If you want to quit then you just quit. Not even like that. I thought it was a recreational thing for her. No way. I have no experience of my own to compare it to. I haven't ever been a drug addict so I don't understand it from their point of view. I know more about it now than I ever wanted to. I know my choice in her wasn't healthy. We actually got along pretty good and only a few problems in the first few years. I won't lie... It was an ego boost for my to have a way younger girlfriend. I wanted to marry her but as long as she was using no way. I wanted her to build structure in her life and get off the dope. Never happened. She started getting worse. Anger. Hitting. Slapping. Throwing stuff. I stood up for myself once after she threw something at me and she just went into hysterics. She wouldn't leave. I so wanted her to leave. She just kept telling me that if I called the cops I would get thrown out of my own home. It would blow over. Then happen again. I was afraid of her. When she would wake me up I would wake up defensive thinking she was attacking me. She was tiny. Who would ever believe that the big man would be afraid of the tiny little girl and that she would ever hurt him. I know it was screwed up but I really felt helpless. I didn't want to get a restraining order but maybe I should have. I cared about her. I didn't want that for us. I know my codependency has everything in the world to do with this. Abuse is normal from people that love me. I really hate it. I wish it were different.

[seeking balance]

Abuse is normal from people that love me. I really hate it. I wish it were different.

Perfidy,

I have been reading this entire post and have learned a lot about you ex's and how you "saved" them.

This sentence from you is very much victim mentality - so how can you focus on saving yourself?  What would it look like to make different choices in your own life starting today?

Abuse does not have to be normal - when you are aware - you can make different choices... . you seem to be getting aware, How can you use this personal inventory board to learn how to make different choices?  Are you willing to do that?

[Perfidy]

SB I am willing to do anything that will restore my happiness. I have been way too miserable for way too long.

[seeking balance]

SB I am willing to do anything that will restore my happiness. I have been way too miserable for way too long.

Ok - time to rebuild your sense of self perhaps?

You posted some pretty big abuse from childhood on another thread - that takes big courage... . be proud of yourself that you showed courage.  Have you shared all of this with a therapist to begin the deep healing?

[Perfidy]

Yes I have

[seeking balance]

Yes I have

Would you like to elaborate?

What does your T say needs to happen to rebuild your own sense of self worth?

What is your therapy plan?

[Perfidy]

Well... . He made a shocked expression when I told him about the time I pulled a gun on my dad. Then he tried to talk me into medication. I fired him. I told him that I was having a natural reaction to what I have been through and that it would get better without drugs. I was kind of insulted by his reaction and I didn't go to anyone else because of his reaction making me think that my problems are worse than they really are. I felt like he thought I was dangerous. I'm not. I haven't hurt myself or anybody else. Troubled a bit sure. Not violent. Depressed.

[Skip]

How are you treating the depression?  Have you considered CBT?

[Perfidy]

I have been treating the depression by treating my self to as many feel good experiences as I can. The other night I went to a street dance with some friends. Live music pretty girls. The band was awesome. I actually smiled and laughed. I play my guitar almost every day. That makes me feel good. I love music.

[Perfidy]

Every time I share my past with someone about my childhood and the relationship with my dad I get the distinct feeling that I'm being viewed as a violent weirdo. I'm not. I was just a kid trying to survive. I hate violence. I wish it all never happened.

[seeking balance]

Every time I share my past with someone about my childhood and the relationship with my dad I get the distinct feeling that I'm being viewed as a violent weirdo. I'm not. I was just a kid trying to survive. I hate violence. I wish it all never happened.

Perfidy - you say you are willing to do anything

SB I am willing to do anything that will restore my happiness. I have been way too miserable for way too long.

Skip asked you directly - have you considered CBT?

Just because one therapist doesn't work does not mean the process doesn't.  I am sure you wish it never happened, but it did.  And when you can learn to heal the emotions that came with that horrible experience, you might get some of that happiness you long for.

I ask again, are you willing to do anything including find a better therapist who specializes in a more intensive therapy?

[Perfidy]

I have other resources. I have access to behavioral health services when I am not in the field. When I work I'm in remote locations with not much access to any kinds of facilities. I am going on time off and I know where to go for help with this. I seriously can't keep feeling like this and I know I would have an easier time with the right kind of help. I have been in contact with a good counselor over the phone too. She is kind enough to understand my situation with work and has given me a lot of help finding the good in myself.

[Perfidy]

I do feel a certain amount of stigma because of how dysfunctional my childhood was. I know it wasn't my fault that my father was like that. I feel like because what I experienced when I have told other people how it was, that it changes their view of me to being seriously disturbed. I'm actually a very responsible person. I am kind and caring and I am liked by most people I know and work with. My family loves me and I love them. As a rule I have great interpersonal relationships. Rarely argue. I believe that I have the ability to reason through any problems that I have with other people and not go into anger. I used to tell my ex when she would rage that I didn't have any anger of my own and I didn't want hers. I really tried with that girl but it was no use. I have the ability to tolerate most unpleasant conditions that others can't or won't. This depression will go away. I will be happy again. I can feel it subsiding. I had indirect contact with my ex through a friend the other day and it really knocked me back. It took a little while but I feel better now. It isn't quite so constant.