Was not prepared

[thinkingthinking]

Signed divorce papers today, and as prepared as I thought I was, and as sure of my decision as I am, the sadness is overwhelming.  I couldn't fix the relationship and it was unhealthy for me.  The arguments about debt, money, kids during the divorce process kept my mind focused.  But today, it was an unemotional process that ended a 22 year marriage and I am overcome. I don't know if it is truly sadnes, or relief, or release.  But boy is it one more hard day to to get through.   

I wouldn't do anything different. The decision to divorce was long and difficult; and I know that I can now grow and am free to be the best person and parent possible to our kids.  Just surprised by my own emotion today.

[Waddams]

Divorce is a major grief event.  You're going to go through the stages as you continue to heal. 

Don't push yourself.  Let yourself go through it.  Just means you're a normal human person.

[livednlearned]

I think it's good to feel that grief now while you're divorcing, instead of later. A BPD divorce is more like a death than other low-conflict divorces, at least from what I can tell. A lot of people who divorce pwBPD can't or don't remain friends.

The grief that really took me to the mat was realizing that I no longer have a person in my life who was there for my son's birth, his first words, his first steps, all those things that no one else experienced. All of that, just gone. I still ache for that. And there are times when I think about N/BPDx getting old and not having any friends or family around him, and find myself feeling grief that it ended up like that for him. That I couldn't help him.

There's a lot of sadness to all this. 

[So hurt]

I will be divorcing soon. I wish there was a way to work things out with my husband but he refuses help and only wants to cause me pain. I feel for you.

It is very hard to accept as it is a death of sorts. We have been given one life on this earth and it is up to us to live it. I tell myself this everyday.

Take care and give yourself lots of time.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi thinkingthinking, I concluded a divorce this year after a 16-year marriage to my BPDexW and empathize with what you are going through, which I find quite normal.  My suggestion is that you continue to pay attention to your feelings, just as you are doing, in order to process and work through them.  You are on a path to much greater happiness, I'm confident.

Lucky Jim

[Forward2free]

You're going through an incredibly tough time and divorce makes it more real in a way.

Even after 8 years of emotional and physical abuse, I mourned my marriage. I discovered that I was also mourning the hopes and dreams I had for our future together, and they stemmed back from my own childhood and hopes and dreams I had for a happily-ever-after kind of marriage.

I'm told it's the same kind of grief that parents suffer when losing a child at any age, but especially birth, because you've spent time nurturing and investing in the life of someone. It can't be erased overnight and in fact, will not be erased in a lifetime.

With divorce, it helped me to enjoy the good memories, but to balance it with memories of the bad stuff that I had hidden and ignored for so long, just to make it through the days. After a while, months, I started to have a new perspective and realised the good stuff was mostly what I put into it, and not what was given. I'm not sure if I've explained that correctly. But if I got a smile during a meal instead of BPD/Nxh throwing the plate of food in the sink, I might have imagined that he was pleased, happy even, with the effort I had made and things were good. It was my interpretation of the action or words, not necessarily what it was.

Time is the only healer. It's okay to grieve. Process it and find your feet as you go. Take up some new hobbies and spend time with people who love and support you. I found my peace after a few months and I couldn't be happier! You'll make it too.