Consistant contanct invites and then this email . . .

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

so my uBPD g/f whom I'm trying to diminish contact with asked me to lunch two consecutive days, however I couldn't go. I  asked if there was something she needed to talk about and she said there was, but of course it was too much to say via email or text. My response was that lunch is only an hour so I didn't understand how that would be much more time.

Today, i get an email saying "Thanks for having my back."

Bottom line, emergencies always seem to pop up when I'm not around,  however when we were together she would NEVER EVER let me help her with anything.

I'm not taking the bait!

[frustrated b/f]

so my uBPD g/f whom I'm trying to diminish contact with asked me to lunch two consecutive days, however I couldn't go. I  asked if there was something she needed to talk about and she said there was, but of course it was too much to say via email or text. My response was that lunch is only an hour so I didn't understand how that would be much more time.

Today, i get an email saying "Thanks for having my back."

Bottom line, emergencies always seem to pop up when I'm not around,  however when we were together she would NEVER EVER let me help her with anything.

I'm not taking the bait!

[mitchell16]

good your not taking the back. I wish you strength. It appears it just a ploy to get your curious enough to ask her whats is going on. My ex used it alot and I took the bait bunchs. So I admire your strength not to fall for it.

[Aussie0zborn]

Bottom line, emergencies always seem to pop up when I'm not around,  however when we were together she would NEVER EVER let me help her with anything.

Emergencies always popped up when I WAS around but she would cut me out and would say, "you are never there when I need you". She went to hospital twice this year for day surgery WITHOUT me, cutting me out and then complaining. When she was called back to hospital and I packed her  bag, unpacked it and organized her room she complained that I "take control" and engulf her. Go figure.

Glad to hear you're not taking the bait.

[frustrated b/f]

Wow Aussie, sounds EXACTLY like my g/f to a tee! She's had medical issues she's never disclosed to me!



**UPDATE** Okay guys, I get a text saying her mother who has been sickening ongoing was released from the Hospital for Hospice. Part of me feels really bad for her because I know she adored her mother who has been severely disabled from a stroke for several years now. Even though this isn't a surprise I know she would be hurt, and I would want someone there for me if it happened to my mom, God forbid.

HOWEVER, in the five years we've been dating, I've never met her mother before (I have no clue why not), so part of me feels like she's a big girl, and will be able to handle the impending fate.

Please help  

[Learning_curve74]

**UPDATE** Okay guys, I get a text saying her mother who has been sickening ongoing was released from the Hospital for Hospice. Part of me feels really bad for her because I know she adored her mother who has been severely disabled from a stroke for several years now. Even though this isn't a surprise I know she would be hurt, and I would want someone there for me if it happened to my mom, God forbid.

HOWEVER, in the five years we've been dating, I've never met her mother before (I have no clue why not), so part of me feels like she's a big girl, and will be able to handle the impending fate.

Please help  

Did your uBPDgf simply send you a message about her mother's condition and upcoming move to hospice? You don't necessarily have to rush in and "save" your ex from feeling bad. If you are willing to offer help, you could simply say that you were sorry about her mom, that you acknowledge that it must be hard for your uBPDgf, and if she would like specific help in regards to her mom then could she please let you know -- only if you are willing to say yes or no, but if you don't want to offer any help, then don't ask her to tell you what she would like from you.

Sometimes the only thing a person really wants is somebody to just listen to them. This can be complicated when that person is a pwBPD and you are their gf/bf/spouse. But just as with a nonBPD, sometimes they just want somebody to listen to their fears and concerns without offering any explanations or solutions or "you'll feel better". You probably know your gf best and can anticipate what her reaction might be if you talk to her about her mom?

[frustrated b/f]

Thanks for the input Learning_Curve. We've been in N/C for about a month, she has been trying to initiate contact for the last week, then I got the sarcastic email saying "thanks for having my back." To which I never responded.

A few days later she text me about her mom being sent home for hospice. I instantaneously responded that I was very sorry to hear the news, and that has been it.

I just didn't know if I should be doing anything more. A part of me feels as if I am abandoning  her during a difficult time.

[Learning_curve74]

Thanks for the input Learning_Curve. We've been in N/C for about a month, she has been trying to initiate contact for the last week, then I got the sarcastic email saying "thanks for having my back." To which I never responded.

A few days later she text me about her mom being sent home for hospice. I instantaneously responded that I was very sorry to hear the news, and that has been it.

I just didn't know if I should be doing anything more. A part of me feels as if I am abandoning  her during a difficult time.

I think you did the right thing by not responding to the followup email ("thanks for having my back". Sometimes people are just venting, BPD or not, and it doesn't require a response, and in fact a reply might actually be unwelcome or escalate to a fight. I think you did as any caring person would to text you were sorry to hear about her mom going to hospice.

frustrated, I know that feeling all too well of thinking that I'm abandoning my BPDex when she needed me the most. However, I finally came to the realization that she would always feel like she needed me, even the times when she felt like she didn't need me.  

To explain, the first time I confronted her about cheating, she was initially angry that I caught her and angry about me spying on her until I said I didn't want anything to do with her anymore, then she instantly turned from feeling angry to feeling devastated and suicidal. So even if I was the bad guy one minute, I was then the most important person in the world the next when I was threatening to leave her. It makes me so sad right now to relive that because I know that my BPDex puts me and more importantly herself in a no win situation.

The thing I learned is that I can never be strong enough to take away her pain and her problems. Nobody else will ever be strong enough except for herself, and she cannot start healing until she comes to that realization for herself. To stay involved with her was to lose myself, and that is a very dangerous thing.

[Aussie0zborn]

I just didn't know if I should be doing anything more. A part of me feels as if I am abandoning  her during a difficult time.

My exBPDwife thanked me profusely for all my assistance and effort during her father's funeral. She thanked me for a whole week and said she wouldn't have been able to get through it without me. I really didnt think I did anything special but she appreciated my help so much that I was blown away with her appreciation.

A year later she lambasted me for being of no help at all and causing her undue stress through her having to deal with her dysfunctional siblings "all by herself". Apparently, when she needed me I was "never there".

Its nice that you have that empathy and I take my hat off to you but if it backfires you will be adding to the time you need to fully heal.

[frustrated b/f]

The thing I learned is that I can never be strong enough to take away her pain and her problems. Nobody else will ever be strong enough except for herself, and she cannot start healing until she comes to that realization for herself. To stay involved with her was to lose myself, and that is a very dangerous thing.

You are so very right, and that's what I'm trying to avoid!

Its nice that you have that empathy and I take my hat off to you but if it backfires you will be adding to the time you need to fully heal.

I needed to hear that!

[blurry]

Day 7 of NC, I moved out of state two weeks ago, apparently she decided to abruptly cancel physical therapy after only a week or two and is suddenly getting surgery today from what I heard. Curious to see if the texts start coming.

Last time during a breakup, the text came informing me that her "dear" uncle had died... . the one she hadn't seen in god knows how long (definitely not during the year I had been with her at that time, and no phone calls either, to my knowledge).

Breakup prior to that, the text came in because my w2s had gotten delivered to her place and she was so concerned what to do with them. Meanwhile she knew exactly where I was living and could of simply sent them there and maintained NC, and two months prior, she was threatening to put all my belongings in a dumpster and had told me I was the ugliest human being she'd ever met, inside and out, and she wished I would die in a fiery drunken car crash... .