As a child how did you cope with all the lies?

[js friend]

... . Well we just had another drama filled weekend here from dd's lies.  

dd18 made a special effort to tear a "friend" down with her lies... . but it backfired on her. The audience dd had orchestrated to watch this "tear down" believed her friend. The other girl had nothing to lose and actually made herself  open to criticism in the process by telling the truth.Im sure it wasnt easy for her. dd's story didnt sound quite right to begin with, but it was the one she was sticking to.

... . So when the lies dont work dd decides on her usual course of behaviour... . deflection, then blame, and when that doesnt work she goes off to sulk.

Iam immune to dd's lies now. I dont confront her with them anymore. I dont even try to find the truth in what dd says anymore. I have accepted that if she is speaking then theres a good chance she is lying. She has called me an idiot... . Maybe she assumes that because I dont question her lies Iam the "idiot" who believes them.  

Yes I listen but I dont act upon her lies anymore. I dont immediatley believe her and defend her like I used to.

Iam an adult and can deal with them. I have had many years to come to terms with the fact that dd is a compulsive liar, but what will gd make of it all as she grows up. She is already experiencing the fallout from chaos of her moms lies. 

I want to be able to protect gd from her moms lies as she grows up and she has more understanding.

How can I do this with a child? How did others cope with their pwBPD's lying?



Any advice would be appreciated.

It must be so confusing for a child if you cant even trust your parent to tell you the truth.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[GeekyGirl]

The thing is, as children many of us didn't know that our parents lied... . children are dependent on their parents and for their own well-being, have to trust them. Your GD may have no idea that your DD lies to her. She may also be in denial, but since she's a child, that's very unlikely.

If we do discover that our parents lied to us in the past (some children of BPD parents don't ever come to the realization that their parents have BPD), it's painful to know that we've been manipulated and lied to, and everyone deals with that reality in a different way.

The best thing you can do for your GD is to be a constant, loving force in her life and a safe haven if she needs someone to listen or let her be herself. Have you seen any concerning behavior from your GD that would make you think that she's upset about what your DD says?

[js friend]

Thank you for your reply GeekyGirl,

Gd is still only a baby so she doesnt know anything about her moms lies yet, but she is becoming more aware and I think she is picking up on the drama around her.

She is usually such a calm and happy smiley baby, but when all this happened, dd was holding her, voices were raised and she became scared. I took her from dd as quickly as I could but she was still affected by it.  

This weekend was a classic example of the drama that dd causes. She was staying the weekend at mine so i was witness to it, but I believe that this is coming to be a usual pattern of behaviour for dd when she is in her own home. She stirs up so much trouble with her lies and drama that I just want to protect gd from it as much as I can.

[isshebpd]

Maybe she assumes that because I dont question her lies Iam the "idiot" who believes them.

My whole life I've listened to BPDMom's rants and not really said anything. I agree, to disordered people, silence is quiet agreement.

My sense of reality is slightly off to this day. After I visit my parents with my wife (like during holidays), we have a discussion afterwards where my wife helps me see the previous interactions clearly. I've also talked to my sane sister and her husband on the phone to get my perceptions supported.

When I'm around my parents, I easily slip into dissociative states. I understand this is how my brain preserves my sanity.

[js friend]

issheBPD

Im glad to hear that you have your wife and others around you for support.

At least you have others who have witnessed your moms behaviour, and can talk you through it.


My dd is more stuble than that.Outwardly to the world she is pleasant and reserved.But at home it was usually quite another thing.

Very passive aggressive... . nothing was really in my face. More anger and defensive than anything. Dysfunction that actually became the norm... like... . breaking my stuff, hiding things, hanging up on me,staying out late, accusing me of doing unpleasnt things... . lots of gaslighting and all unpleasant, but all could be put down to teenage stuff, but still pretty extreme to say the least.So when I told others what was going on I either wasnt believed or it was minimised to the effect that is still  a teenager and would grow out of it.

So the recent Idiot comment was totally out of character for her and really hurt much more than all those other things she has done. It seemed to be more personal and more vicious somehow. Or am I thinking to deeply and it was her projecting her own feelings onto me? Iam still trying to unravel that comment.yeh... . Bpd does that to ya  

Her moving out has been my saving grace though. Much better to have the space between us now. Having my boundries about what I will not discuss has helped too, I dont getting any personal mudslinging about others with her... . so this weekend brought it all back of how much she is still stirring up drama in her sparetime.

It caught me totally off guard, and makes me feel sick to my stomach that she doesnt have the regard for gd to stop doing this.  

She doesnt even seem to connect that gd being upset by all the shouting and gesturing between her and the other girl which was brought on by her instigating the whole thing. No she says it was the others persons fault for coming down here!

Yet dd invited her over here for a showdown.!

I have accepted my dd that this is the way she is. I have Radical Accepted that she is mentally ill, but the lies she tells... . I just know that they will have a detrimental effect on gd.

[sanemom]

I think this is a good question.  I am just a SM of three kids with a BPD mom who lies to them all of the time.  The sad thing is, even though they are teens, they still tend to believe her most of the time and wait for those empty promises to come true.  The youngest (13) is the most skeptical, but even he may.  I hate it because now I know that she is telling them all kinds of horrible lies about their father (we are dealing with BPD mom in court), and the kids do not really ask their dad's side, but who knows how much they believe of their mom's side.  We can't counter if we don't know what they are hearing in the first place, but, at the same time, we don't want to push them in the middle by trying to find out what they are hearing.  Instead, our house doesn't discuss anything related to court, and we hope that later in their lives they appreciate that.

At the same time, when DSD told us she received Driver's Ed for her birthday from BPD mom, we saw it as an empty promise, and it was hard because she could tell we were not excited.  It hurts to watch her get all excited about things that likely will not come to pass, and we feel helpless to fix it.  She is still waiting for her Driver's Ed, and it has been six months since her 16th birthday.  Her two younger siblings who live with us (DSD wanted to live with BPD mom, and court let her make that choice) already have their permit.

[js friend]

Sanemom what you skd's are going through is so sad :'(

You know Sanemom,

I remember quite a few times when I have been letdown and that feeling never leaves you... .

exudh was the worse for letting me down and I began to have anxiety issues over it. Iam much better now dealing with those feelings but it took a while to work through them.

I think he let me down so much because often i was devalued.He would offer to do something good but when the time came to do it I had been devalued again and it wouldnt happen. It was always better to get him to do these good deeds on the same day it was mentioned when I was idiolised otherwise I would just end up getting let down again and I ended up feeling worthless again. I had very few special occasions with my udexh because of this pattern im sure.

Do you think this could be what is happening to BPDmom and kids?.

Promises are made and then kids end up devalued again so it doesnt happen?


I know that Iam also more resilant, and self reliant as a person, some say too self sufficent, yes lots of good qualites ... . but I aslo find it hard to trust, and have a hard exterior because of my experiences so it is quite a double edged sword,

so it is somethig to keep an eye on, but at least your skds have you and your dh who they can rely and know that your word is your bond and be consistant in their lives so that is a big plus.

I think you and your dh are right to leave it to the coursts and not to try to counteract what BPDmom says.

pwBPD will often try to triangulate us into their arguments.

Our pwBPD just bring them into adult disputes like its nothing.There is such a total lack of boundries there and in my experience no one is off limits. Its all about who they can get on their side... . Police, children, ss, courts, us etc

My dd has played the system, lied and turned on the tears to get b/f locked up for a few days on a very serious sexual assualt charge and didnt bat an eyelid.1 week later after his release they were back together

It taught b/f a  lesson and thats all she was interested in at the time.

With my dd If anyone sees the other persons point of view,  she accuses them of taking sides... . so I would imagine that your skd's have learnt not to say anything about you and your dh when they are there. All we can do is be there for them and try to prtect them as much as we can I guess. The truth will out as they say in the end.

I am just a SM of three kids with a BPD mom who lies to them all of the time. 

And you are not just a SM. You sound like a really caring lovely mom  

[lovesjazz]

We have a situation where our BPDs is a compulsive liar and tells us what we want to hear .  This involves court dates, outcomes, etc. It is nerve wracking.  He seems to be very up, but we wonder if it is just to mask his real feelings.