Liberating Deletion of pics, emails and reminders

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

  And as someone has said on this board, the" Mac Truck" of emotional demise is headed his way and he is standing right in the middle of the road, his eyes are fixed squarely on the headlights.

While I know this is not for everyone, has anyone else enjoyed this type of liberation lately?

I believe it was I who used that metaphor.  Glad you enjoyed it!

It is personally liberating to "clean house," so to speak.  I've been there.  Remains of things she left behind went right into the dumpster.  I figured that if they weren't important enough for her to remember, then they weren't that important to begin with?

Was it "cruel," or "insensitive?"  Don't know... . don't care.  I didn't need the memory.

As for pictures, I have long gotten rid of them as well as they serve ME no purpose any longer!

It only keeps you in the past and prevents you from moving forward!

MCC

Yes.  I liked that one.  The Mac Truck is still bearing down on him.

[bettermentofsociety]

  And as someone has said on this board, the" Mac Truck" of emotional demise is headed his way and he is standing right in the middle of the road, his eyes are fixed squarely on the headlights.

While I know this is not for everyone, has anyone else enjoyed this type of liberation lately?

I believe it was I who used that metaphor.  Glad you enjoyed it!

It is personally liberating to "clean house," so to speak.  I've been there.  Remains of things she left behind went right into the dumpster.  I figured that if they weren't important enough for her to remember, then they weren't that important to begin with?

Was it "cruel," or "insensitive?"  Don't know... . don't care.  I didn't need the memory.

As for pictures, I have long gotten rid of them as well as they serve ME no purpose any longer!

It only keeps you in the past and prevents you from moving forward!

MCC

Yes.  I liked that one.  The Mac Truck is still bearing down on him.

[bettermentofsociety]

I still have her texts on my older phone(16,000+)... . 

I deleted the emails however... . 

Still have her imessages on this ipad mini... . 

16000?  Wow.  I deleted every single one.  Hard to let go, but it feels good.

[bettermentofsociety]

Hey!

Betterment, and any of you who have successfully deleted/gotten rid of physical stuff/pandora stations/etc., I have a question for you all... . 

Do you have any concern that you might want to have something (a photo, etc.) stored away somewhere that you could perhaps open up and look at someday when you're 90 - mostly as just something that documents that chapter in your life? I see that Goldy has done this.

Haha, I probably won't be too popular in this thread, but that's really my only reservation with going through and gutting my place (and all social media stuff).

deretour

DeRetour,

I don't think I will care about anything like this when I am 90, if I do, I have ruminated enough to last a life time.  Lol.  No pictures, memoirs necessary (at least for me!)

[Ironmanrises]

Better,

She was a heavy texter.

Seemed to communicate better through texts with me.

When she would dysregulate... .Her vocal communication with me would literally start to garble.

Literally... .Her words would break apart as she spoke.

I dont know how else to describe that.

Most of her idealization to devaluation is visible in a spiral upwards and downwards in all those texts.

I havent looked at in a while but i keep it as a reminder that what i experienced... .

Was real.

That i wasnt losing my mind.

Its so evident in her texts.

[mcc503764]

Hey!

Betterment, and any of you who have successfully deleted/gotten rid of physical stuff/pandora stations/etc., I have a question for you all... . 

Do you have any concern that you might want to have something (a photo, etc.) stored away somewhere that you could perhaps open up and look at someday when you're 90 - mostly as just something that documents that chapter in your life? I see that Goldy has done this.

Haha, I probably won't be too popular in this thread, but that's really my only reservation with going through and gutting my place (and all social media stuff).

deretour

DeRetour,

I don't think I will care about anything like this when I am 90, if I do, I have ruminated enough to last a life time.  Lol.  No pictures, memoirs necessary (at least for me!)

Same thing here... .I have spent the past two years of MY life ruminating, and quite frankly, there just comes a point to where you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

If I am to have any memories, they are the ones that are now burned into my psyche... .Chances are, if I live to be 90, I will probably have dementia so bad, that any "memory" of her would be useless anyhow!

MCC

[bettermentofsociety]

Hey!

Betterment, and any of you who have successfully deleted/gotten rid of physical stuff/pandora stations/etc., I have a question for you all... . 

Do you have any concern that you might want to have something (a photo, etc.) stored away somewhere that you could perhaps open up and look at someday when you're 90 - mostly as just something that documents that chapter in your life? I see that Goldy has done this.

Haha, I probably won't be too popular in this thread, but that's really my only reservation with going through and gutting my place (and all social media stuff).

deretour

DeRetour,

I don't think I will care about anything like this when I am 90, if I do, I have ruminated enough to last a life time.  Lol.  No pictures, memoirs necessary (at least for me!)

Same thing here... .I have spent the past two years of MY life ruminating, and quite frankly, there just comes a point to where you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

If I am to have any memories, they are the ones that are now burned into my psyche... .Chances are, if I live to be 90, I will probably have dementia so bad, that any "memory" of her would be useless anyhow!

MCC

I too keep ruminating, but it's getting better.  Somedays are way better than others, however, generally speaking it is getting better!

I made another step forward this past week getting rid of a symbol of our love. An engagement ring I gave her and she gave back to me numerous times.  As I  unceremoniously dumped it off to a jeweler at a fraction of the fortune I spent on it just last December.  I took a huge financial loss, but it felt good to let it go.  As it has with all the other "stuff" that I've purged.  Now I have to purge the ruminations!

On we go!

[musicfan42]

I can really relate to how you say that you don't want the physical objects around-that the memories are bad enough.

I did the exact same thing-I got a bin bag and just dumped all the photos (of my BPD ex and I) in it. It felt very cathartic, like I was getting rid of a big weight of my shoulders. There were a LOT of photos of us so it took a while to dump them all but once I had, I knew there was no going back... that was it. Someone mentioned the importance of ritual in this thread and I agree... the act of throwing out the photos felt ritualistic to me... almost symbolizing the end of the relationship. I looked through each photo as I put them in the bin. I had a lot of thoughts and emotions as I looked at each of the photos but I knew that I needed to do it. I wasn't willing to carry those photos around with me. I wasn't willing to have them burdening me down. I regarded my BPDex as a burden and those photos just represented him. I considered cutting him out of the photos and just keep the bits with me in them but then I quickly realized what a stupid idea that was... that I just needed to make a clean break. I wasn't prepared to go to the effort of actually getting a scissors and cutting him out-something about it struck me as pathetic and I wasn't willing to be pathetic. I knew that I was better than that. I wanted to have my dignity and go out with my head held high.

I actually still have some of the stuff he gave me but it doesn't trigger me at all. If it annoyed me, then I would have dumped them too. Maybe it helped that I wasn't actually in love with him? I'm sure that had I been in love with him, there's no way I could have kept the gifts he gave me. He actually gave really thoughtful gifts so I thought of it in a practical way-that I'd still be able to get a lot of use out of these things and that I shouldn't let the breakup deter me from using these things... that why should I throw out free things?

I don't have any words of wisdom over the ruminating. I don't think about my ex during the day yet he pops into my dreams. I want it to stop so I'm making a lot of changes in my life. I feel bored with life right now and I've realized that's because I'm not doing anything exciting/fun at the moment. I don't think that you can take away the pain however I think that you can replace it with something good... .that there can be a silver lining in these kinds of situations when you really start focusing on yourself. I started doing DBT skills and that's only because I looked up DBT for my BPD ex! I never would have done DBT otherwise. It's really helped me process my emotions. I deliberately don't spend much time on this website focusing on my ex-I've spent way too much time focusing on other people in the past. No more. It's about me now. I've found the workshop section of the website here to be very helpful. I've read and re-read the threads and wrote down my thoughts on it, posted a lot in the "taking inventory" section. There's still more changes I want to make but I've made a good start and that's what counts!

I respect the fact that you made the decision to move on and just get rid of the stuff so I feel confident in saying that all you need to do is keep up the good work!

[goldylamont]

I can really relate to how you say that you don't want the physical objects around-that the memories are bad enough.

I did the exact same thing-I got a bin bag and just dumped all the photos (of my BPD ex and I) in it. It felt very cathartic, like I was getting rid of a big weight of my shoulders. There were a LOT of photos of us so it took a while to dump them all but once I had, I knew there was no going back... that was it. Someone mentioned the importance of ritual in this thread and I agree... the act of throwing out the photos felt ritualistic to me... almost symbolizing the end of the relationship. I looked through each photo as I put them in the bin. I had a lot of thoughts and emotions as I looked at each of the photos but I knew that I needed to do it. I wasn't willing to carry those photos around with me. I wasn't willing to have them burdening me down. I regarded my BPDex as a burden and those photos just represented him. I considered cutting him out of the photos and just keep the bits with me in them but then I quickly realized what a stupid idea that was... that I just needed to make a clean break. I wasn't prepared to go to the effort of actually getting a scissors and cutting him out-something about it struck me as pathetic and I wasn't willing to be pathetic. I knew that I was better than that. I wanted to have my dignity and go out with my head held high.

I actually still have some of the stuff he gave me but it doesn't trigger me at all. If it annoyed me, then I would have dumped them too. Maybe it helped that I wasn't actually in love with him? I'm sure that had I been in love with him, there's no way I could have kept the gifts he gave me. He actually gave really thoughtful gifts so I thought of it in a practical way-that I'd still be able to get a lot of use out of these things and that I shouldn't let the breakup deter me from using these things... that why should I throw out free things?

I don't have any words of wisdom over the ruminating. I don't think about my ex during the day yet he pops into my dreams. I want it to stop so I'm making a lot of changes in my life. I feel bored with life right now and I've realized that's because I'm not doing anything exciting/fun at the moment. I don't think that you can take away the pain however I think that you can replace it with something good... .that there can be a silver lining in these kinds of situations when you really start focusing on yourself. I started doing DBT skills and that's only because I looked up DBT for my BPD ex! I never would have done DBT otherwise. It's really helped me process my emotions. I deliberately don't spend much time on this website focusing on my ex-I've spent way too much time focusing on other people in the past. No more. It's about me now. I've found the workshop section of the website here to be very helpful. I've read and re-read the threads and wrote down my thoughts on it, posted a lot in the "taking inventory" section. There's still more changes I want to make but I've made a good start and that's what counts!

I respect the fact that you made the decision to move on and just get rid of the stuff so I feel confident in saying that all you need to do is keep up the good work!

i'm a musician. i wrote a song about my ex. in the same way, now i'm like FU*# this song, it's not longer needed. i'm definitely *glad* that i wrote it... .but it just seems stupid to spend time (and $$) to actually record it. seriously, she's just not worth it.

devaluing--a harsh lesson we must learn. it's not healthy to devalue as fast and as fake as a BPD projects to the world that they devalue you. i do believe this. however, there is something to be said, something to be learned in how fast we can re-acclimate and devalue them in our lives. wow, let's really look at this--isn't this really what happened? someone went and devalued us faster than we thought humanly possible. BPD seems like devaluation cocaine, as if they just want more and more and more--onto the next person to devalue again. damn, that's not a drug i'd like to try.

still, is it not our job to devalue them, to disregard anything that we thought they meant to us, in order to regain what and who we truly are, before their charades began?

i'll have to think about this. thank you musicfan42 for the inspiration.

[DeRetour]

I like the discussion in this thread. This is more the direction I need to be focusing. Thanks for putting this thread out there Betterment. And Goldy, Musicfan, and others... .good, inspiring thoughts here.

-deretour

[musicfan42]

i'm a musician. i wrote a song about my ex. in the same way, now i'm like FU*# this song, it's not longer needed. i'm definitely *glad* that i wrote it... .but it just seems stupid to spend time (and $$) to actually record it. seriously, she's just not worth it.

If you found writing the song cathartic, then that's the important thing.

I know what you mean though when you say that it seems stupid to record it. I don't think there would be anything wrong with recording it however it might just make you think about her even more. There's some amazing musicians and writers who are inspired by emotional pain however it's important not to let that pain take over everything in your life.

There's a saying "it's better to light a candle than curse the darkness" and it holds a lot of meaning for me. My therapist introduced me to that saying and then another wise person mentioned a very similar thing to me. It's made me realize that we have a choice-that we can either choose light or darkness. I'm not even talking about positivity. I don't think it's possible to be happy and upbeat all the time however when we have down times, I think we're faced with that choice... which road to go... try to overcome something or else give up. There's times when I've just given up... when I've just said "I've had enough!" It's really not something that I'd recommend to someone else.

There was a poster here who posted his "prescription" against heartache... things like exercise, eating well, spirituality, laughter, keeping busy etc. He said that it was like a medicine against the pain... that it would take time for the pain to pass but that he was prepared to give it the time. It was excellent advice. I can't remember his name unfortunately however I'd just like to thank him here

I still have a temptation to dwell on the pain-to pick at it like a scab but if you pick at a scab, it bleeds... it gets worse. If I dwell on my sadness, it gets worse... it becomes a downward spiral and then it's hard to get out of it. It feels soothing to dwell on the sadness initially however over time, it becomes like quick-sand... you get stuck in a pit.

devaluing--a harsh lesson we must learn. it's not healthy to devalue as fast and as fake as a BPD projects to the world that they devalue you. i do believe this. however, there is something to be said, something to be learned in how fast we can re-acclimate and devalue them in our lives. wow, let's really look at this--isn't this really what happened? someone went and devalued us faster than we thought humanly possible. BPD seems like devaluation cocaine, as if they just want more and more and more--onto the next person to devalue again. damn, that's not a drug i'd like to try.

I know it's easy to take the devaluation personally-to think "what did I do wrong?" However it's important to remember that you're not dealing with a stable person. You're dealing with someone with a personality disorder. I read up on BPD and realized that my BPDex's reactions were textbook... that it was nothing to do with me... that it wasn't my fault at all... that he'd just do the same thing to whoever he was dating because that's the kind of person he was.

still, is it not our job to devalue them, to disregard anything that we thought they meant to us, in order to regain what and who we truly are, before their charades began?

i'll have to think about this. thank you musicfan42 for the inspiration.

This part made me feel defensive initially however I thought about it more and I think I can see where you're coming from now. I do consciously devalue people when they hurt me. Fine, I admit it!

I had a father who was abusive. He was always making empty promises and I knew that it'd amount to nothing. There were times that I was tempted to cave in however when those moments occurred, I'd steel myself and remind myself of all the times he had hurt me previously and that helped me hold my resolve!

So I basically did the same thing with my BPD ex. I felt very angry however I think that anger actually protected me from him. It was justified anger-anger against someone who was being emotionally abusive to me. I knew that I had to stand up for myself and get the hell away from him as quickly as possible.

I don't think it's good to empathize with someone that's hurting you-you have to regard them as an enemy... as someone who is out to get you at any cost. They're not your friend-they're not there for your welfare. They're out to destroy you. Remember the story of the Trojan Horse? In Ancient Greece, they smuggled this Trojan Horse in and pretended that it was a gift when really it was an attack on the city... there were men inside the Trojan Horse (this huge wooden horse).

A lot of times, enemies can be nice to us for the wrong reasons... for ulterior motives. Basically to regain our trust and just do the same thing all over again. Because they want to regain that feeling of power and control over us. And it's up to us to stop it-to realize that it's just a Trojan Horse... that it's not genuine... that it's just manipulation and not to fall for it. If someone is loyal to me, then I'm loyal to them but if someone betrays me, I tend to have a scorched earth policy... I just cut them out of my life and I've no qualms about doing it. It's a liability keeping toxic people around-you never know what they're going to do next.

I see people here writing about their borderline ex's and making excuses for them-saying that they had a bad childhood, that they're vulnerable deep down blah blah blah. It's a huge mistake. The more excuses you give them, the more they can manipulate you.

[mcc503764]

 

I see people here writing about their borderline ex's and making excuses for them-saying that they had a bad childhood, that they're vulnerable deep down blah blah blah. It's a huge mistake. The more excuses you give them, the more they can manipulate you.

And this is so true... .I have heard this so many times... .past abuse, "victim" stories, abandonment... .blah, blah, blah... .

I've had all of this used against me... .it's just another tool for the manipulation... .

Such a crazy, circular ride... .

MCC

[goldylamont]

so i just got this camera from a friend of mine and started taking pics this past week, and i'm downloading my first shots onto my laptop and start going through old photos. i have tons of stuff from years ago i had forgotten about in my digital photo library. so anyways i run into these pics of and with the ex that i haven't seen in a long while--i'm happy to report that i feel pretty ok. i mean, i feel, normal? what i mean is that i felt a little sad, and poignant but i don't feel distraught or angry so much. it just feels like i lost an old friend (which in a sense i did) rather than all of the drama and pain surrounding the breakup. i don't mind keeping some of this stuff around and maybe running into it every other year or so, i think it can be a good gauge of my growth and perhaps some fond (DETACHED!) memories 

[Blade99d]

It is so odd, yet strangely liberating that all of our stories really seem so similar.  Its as if there is a BPD playbook that they study from.  It lets us all know that this pain is real.  My T has said many times that he does believe my ex cared for me, yet her emotional pain took over.  One thing my T said to me very early on... .is it better to be kind or be right?  At first, and even at times today, I need to know I am right about my exes sickness.  Reading these stories validates the rightness for me... .however, the kindness factor does kick in at times because she lives in a tortured world.  The song Beautiful from P.O.D. Sums it up for me.  I am getting myself to the point that life is beautiful, and we have to love ourself first.  I have kept everything she ever gave me... .not much and it is in a box.  She gave my child some toys for xmas, and my T said those are not my items to discard to box up, they are my childs, and I respect that.   My T really tries to get me to look at my relationship from a mature staNPDoint.  In 6 months, we never took 1 picture together... .she would not allow any photos to be taken of her.  How is that for control and manipulation. 

[frustrated b/f]

My uBD g/f and I did not end on a bad note so there was never a strong desire to erase her memories.

However, I discovered that they may help perpetuate the "good-time" only memories that triggers recycles.

I tend to forget about the tumultuous times and only seem to remember the wonderful memories we shared, which makes for a difficult recovery.

That said, I went through my phone and deleted pics. While it didn't feel as liberating for me as for some, however it reminded me of how far and between the good times were.