More problems

[heronbird]

Hi :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

Im very sad today, we had a meeting and because sil has given up work and is being a stay at home dad he has been granted the baby to live with him. He lived with us for 12 weeks most of the time.

SIL (good choice BPDd) lied, he made me out to be lying, made out dd was lying and nothing was his fault. He told them that my dd was ill because I had a problem when I was little and passed it on to her. This was at a meeting Ive just come from with social services and all the others involved.

Dd couldnt be there because she was in hosp. She had told the social worker everything but every time we said something he said it was all her fault.

Anyway, he ended up getting the baby full time even though they said he would never get him. We were led to believe that he was giong to live here from today.

Social services dont think he will manage and its only a matter of time, but you know, the baby is getting older and I dont want a messed up child. Such a shame. I miss him :'( :'(

SIL can keep him, I dont want to see him, its not like I can do much on an odd occasion and I cant work with sil.

Hes told my dd she cant go back home now, so she is homeless, still in hospital and another worry for her.

Everytime she gets ill he shouts divorce. Good choice dd!

Maybt its a blessing, I never wanted another baby did I. I can get my life back and plan my other dds wedding etc. We have just had 5 kittens and I didnt have much time before.

Im still sad... . so so sad. I need to do some mindfulness do you think? Im trying to be positive.

How is this going to work when dd wants to see baby, she still has 50% parental rights . Phew, what a nightmare

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[TopsyTurvy]

Oh gosh, heronbird, it has all gotten so crazy there huh? I don't have any great words of wisdom but I just wanted to say I am sorry that you are so sad today. It's difficult when grandchildren are involved.

I am glad that your daughter still has her parental rights. I am hopeful you will have contact with gs through your dd. You can still be an important presence in his life. Hold on. You know how quickly circumstances change. Give it a week or two and sil might decide that he is happy to have your help.

[vivekananda]

Hi HB   

I am so sorry that it has turned out so sad. This is when we need to work on acceptance and yes meditation will help, so will exercise.

Remember our prayer:

Give me strength to change what I can, the grace to accept what I can't and the wisdom to know the difference between the two.

Cheers,

Vivek      

[swampped]

Dear Heronbird:  Will the pain never end?  Your story reminds me of Job---and your patience in the face of such chaos and confusion is an inspiration.  I agree with TopsyTurvy---the one constant with BPD is change.  Will pray for serenity for you, healing for your dd, and a safe home and love for your dear grandson.  And for a change of heart for your sil.  And for wisdom for the social service people.  And whatever the next problem is, may you have continued strength to deal with it.           Swampped

[peaceplease]

heronbird,

I am so sorry!  Social services think that he won't be able to manage, and, yet, he was granted full custody? YIIYIYI

I was upset when my dd had ended up with sharing  50/50 custody of my gs.   I paid a lawyer, for my dd to get primary custody.  Her ex was not agreeing to it.  I was not putting out any more money.  And, I realize now that my dd will never be able to handle full custody.  It just irritates me that my dd could not handle full custody.  But, it is what it is... . And, my gs loves his dad in his life.  My kids did not have an involved dad, and I believe that contributed to their PD.    I am more and more convinced, that my ds is BPD/NPD.

And, he is very bitter for his dad for not being around much.

Has your SIL been on his own with your gs?  If not, it may not be too long, before he is calling you. And, your dd still has rights.

Meanwhile, take care of yourself.   Will pray for you and family.  

 

peace

[vivekananda]

... .   I am more and more convinced, that my ds is BPD/NPD... .

peaceplease I am so sorry      

Vivek  

[heronbird]

Thanks, its so nice to know you are there for me, every time I read your replies it just makes me wish I could run away and come and live with you so far away, silly really as I would miss everyone and I have got 3 other children and 5 kittens and three cats. Not to mention my BPD project that I am so pleased with etc etc

Today, I feel so so sad, I cant remember the last time I felt like this. We all miss him so  so much, Im trying to look on the positive side.

Im upset for my dd. What a horrible man, hardly known her a year she has two breakdowns and he cant cope, so the answer is kiick her out.

He knew we were having a meeting and he knew he was loosing the baby, he was told. So he must have thought, if my dd is not on the scene then  it will be ok for him to have baby.

Dd has told me he was a drug dealer when she first met him, he still takes drugs, he does neglect baby. Well all that does not matter now.

I do not want to see the baby again, its too heart breaking and X sil is too controlling, he is a liar and a cheat he twisted everything I tried to say in the meeting yesterday. I could go on.

I warned my dd when she met him, I told her if she marrys him it will be hard to get rid of him and she may loose her home, she didnt listen as usual. Hes tattooed her and messed her body all up, she will have to live with that. She had beautiful skin.

Her choice  

How sad though.

I went to visit dd yesterday, she said she has lost everything home, baby and husband all because she is ill. Her life is pointless and she has messed up my life too. She is worried, we know hospital will discharge her with no where to live.

Also, how come she does not miss the baby? so strange.

Her dh was so controlling, that would have made her worse, she was also scared of him. why would she go with someone like that when she had a perfectly nice home with a loving family. BPD I guess  

I went to get my nails done to help me, but I kept thinking about everything, and tears in my eyes, wish Id stayed home to cry instead.

Mindfulness isnt working, I keep trying, I couldnt sleep last night kept going over and over everything, when I teied mindfulness, i just kept coming back to thinking of everything.

Peace, I know my dd wont ever be a normal mum, but at least when she was with him, they could have the baby. She was some kind of mum.

Swampped, the pain just gets worse, I dont know if it will ever end, maybe now she has nowhere to live she may get suicidal and who knows what.

Thanks Viv, yes good prayer, Thank you for reminding me that.

Thanks Topsy.

I often wonder if there is any point praying, I prayed for our kids all their lives, took them to Church every week, none of them are that keen on Church now, especially dd, she only wants to know God when she is in crisis. Why did God let her be so so ill. Was there any point me praying for our kids, maybe I just didnt do it enough.

[lovesjazz]

I am so sorry for you. I, too am a grandma, but have never seen my grandchild. We live across the US fom them. We are visiting now and come to find out our BPDs26 may lose his parental rights. I am sick to know I may never see her. We are going to court to fight for grandparents rights. This is so stressful... . dont know how far we are willing to take things.

[heronbird]

  Oh lovejazz.

Im not interested in seeing him again, if he stays with dds x husband then I dont want anything to do with him.

I didnt know you could go to court to get grandparents rights.

Our hearts are so broken, I cant go through this again.

It is all predictable, I told dd all about getting married and how it would be hard to get rid of him.

She is in such a bad way at the moment, gone missing, Police looking for her and she has lost everything, homeless. Sorry if Im repeating myself.

I actually felt that Im going down, when I woke up this morning I was crying and I thought I hate this feeling, if it carries on I may need anti depressants, I cant let that happen to me.

[Dibdob59]

Please give yourself time to consider not seeing your GS again.  He may need you even though it may cause you pain to see him.  I too have a GS4 and a GD7 from my uBPDs29 and have been in the middle of his custody fights with his exes (1 child from each ex partner).

Sometimes I felt I did not want to see my grandchildren as the pain was so intense when I did that I truly thought I would die.  Crazy huh?  But I do see them regularly and my uBPDs has shared custody.  It is not plain sailing but we are a big part of their lives and I truly believe that, although my son does not always exhibit good behaviour in front of them, they are hugely important to his life as he is to theirs.  

Someone else on the board already pointed out that the only constant in our BPD children's lives is that things change.  This will be true for you also.  I am thinking of you (I am in the UK too)

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, heronbird   

I was just checking in to make sure you are OK... . Please take care of yourself during this sad and stressful time. Between worry over your daughter, and the trauma of losing your grandson (and maybe this will be temporary; who knows how long SIL will be able to be a single father?), you need to take care of you.

You've got family and friends around to help you? How is the rest of your immediate family handling this situation? Maybe you've found your daughter by now... . Please keep us updated, OK? You've got my prayers; may the light be a nice, warm comfort around you. Let us know how things are going   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heronbird]

Thank you

There are many reasons why I may not want contact with gs. First of all at this moment in time, sil has him all day and night, sil hates me and said horrid things about me in the meeting. I know his true feelings for me anyway. So nice to my face, behind my back so horrid.

Do I want a child round my house gs or not who is naughty, may have emotional difficulties and all that sort of stuff.

Recently, my friend had her gs over for a visit for a week, he used to be a lovely sweet boy, he is now 3, she spent the whole week telling him off then said she wont do that again. That will be me. I am trying to detach myself for my sanity.

If dd has something to do with gs, then sure I will be involved but only if its done properly I cant do chaotic life and disorganisation as sil lives like that.

Gs will grow up in a drug environment with a dad who does not work and can not read properly. He also has no one, no family, his brother is in prison and his mum has custody of his sisters daughter also his mum has OCD so does the little girl she has custody of. There is another brother who has big behaviour issues. They live about 4 hours drive away.

So he has no one and not working so money will be tight and my gs will see his dad never worked.

What will sil tell grand son when hes older the reason why he split with his mum? she was ill so he kicked her out. Nice man eh,

Good choice dd, you chose a nice man there

[Rapt Reader]

Wow, heronbird! That's terrible... . your poor grandson doesn't seem to stand a chance if he stays with your SIL! Does Social Service (or whatever it's called where you are) know that they've given this innocent baby to such a bad influence? Is there no proving to them that the baby is not in a safe environment with this person? I know where I live (my husband is in law enforcement) the drug dealers and ne'er-do-wells are well known and the police work closely with Social Services to protect the children from that type of person. It does seem to me that with early intervention, and if the baby could go back to you, then the future you foresee for your GS could be alleviated. I feel so bad for all of you... .  

[sunshineplease]

Oh, heronbird, I read your post with such sadness. How hopeless and exhausted you must be feeling! What an awful situation all around.

I am trying to detach myself for my sanity.

I was glad, though, to know you're listening to your own needs. Your sanity matters -- first because your life counts, and second because when things shift again (and, as others have said here, they will!), the work you've done to keep your own head above water will help you deal with whatever comes.

Blessings to you and yours.

[heronbird]

Rapt. There is just not enough evidence for social services. The worse thing for us as a family, was social services told me, dd and SIL that the baby was going to be living with me. My dd wanted that, sil didnt, social services just said thats the way it is.

I was planning everything, his room his clothes, and I was looking forward to it, we all were. We all miss him so much.

I always knew he could be taken from me at any time, but social services led us to believe we were keeping him.

Our social worker was so upset that we didnt get him, she didnt want the dad to get him but she said her boss made the decision, she is just hoping sil wont cope and I will get baby before its too late.

Im starting to think, it was for the best. I have my life back and can concentrate on my dd, she is in a mess and she is my baby.

The hospital phoned me yesterday saying that I am her next of kin, she told them that. It was music to my ears.

Ive always believed that I wanted to encourage my kids to get married, Im old fashioned and a Christian.

I dont know what I believe now. I know that everything that mattered to me means nothing now. I dont know why I ever cared about anything.

Another positive thing is, she is in hospital and saying she is going to stay for a while. She has never done that before so I hope she carries on and they seem to be ok in there with her.

Thanks sunshine, that encouraged me  

Thanks to everyone on this board, if ever I needed you its now

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, heronbird   

I'm glad your daughter is in the hospital now; is there some sort of Dual Diagnosis program that they can refer her to, for after she's out of there? Or, is substance abuse not a problem for her? As you know, the only thing that finally helped my adult son was the DD Program he attended this past March & April. Just a thought... .

I know what you mean about being confused about what you now believe... . The values we grew up with and thought were iron-clad tend to get pretty banged up when we have a BPD child. I know that I had to do much soul-searching about my attitudes about my son's troubles (mostly the ones dealing with drug abuse and his actions revolving around that). Realizing that self-medicating was the motivation, but that every action that surrounded it was illegal and dangerous, really messed with my head. It is disconcerting, to say the least!

I truly hope your daughter gets the help she needs, recovers, and maybe even is able to at least co-parent her son with regularity. That really would be the best thing... . for her and you. You might actually care, I think, or you wouldn't be here looking comfort and solace... .    

[heronbird]

Thank you Rapt

As you said that about dual diagnosis, I wrote it in my note book, I am seeing her consultant on Monday morning and it will be my chance to ask everything I need to, so I will ask about that.

I am also wondering if dd will ever want to see baby, if not, then Im better off keeping away. If she does, course I will see him, I just hope sil wont use him to blackmail me.

I went through the same thoughts as you when BPD first reared its ugly head, and I got used to all the immoral issues.

Its just also so hard to know they dont listen and they dont learn anything.

I care too much, which is a shame, I wish I could detach from everything but I care, I cant help it.

If we didnt care we would just treat humans like objects and we cant do that.

My brother isnt interested in his grand kids at all, he thinks Im mad. I wish I was like that, but Im not.  

[Rapt Reader]

I care too much, which is a shame, I wish I could detach from everything but I care, I cant help it.

If we didnt care we would just treat humans like objects and we cant do that.

My brother isnt interested in his grand kids at all, he thinks Im mad. I wish I was like that, but Im not.  

Of course you're not like that, heronbird... .

That's why we love you  

Good luck with your daughter. I found out that once my son was part of the right treatment program, everything changed for the better. Hang in there! We'll be hanging in right there with you... .

[peaceplease]

heronbird,

 .  That is great that your dd is willing to stay in hospital.  Hopefully, she will get in good treatment program.  Such a sad situation with the baby. 

How is the rest of your family doing?

The positive in this situation is your dd is in place that can only help, and she is away from her dh.  Hopefully, he will stay  away from her. 

Take care of yourself and continue to support your dd.  You are a loving mom.  

 

peaceplease

[heronbird]

Well her dh is being so cold towards her, hes told his family bad things about my dd, and they messaged her on fb, so she got rid of fb.

She needs to see her baby, why hasnt anyone done anything about that, ok, maybe she does not want to see him right now, but we need to start thinking about that, I have emailed the social worker to ask her.

She carried that baby for 9 months, we used to go to the hospital together and hear the heartbeat etc, its not ok for him to just have the baby, she needs to have him a bit too. If she feels strong enough that is, at the moment she has given up.

She has been sectioned for 6 months now.

[heronbird]

Oh and by the way, you asked how the rest of the family were, well they are very sad too, as expected, my son loved the baby a lot, he said hes more sad that he is going to grow up in such a bad way and probably end up with behaviour issues.

My other son does not care because he never liked sil and made a point of never being friendly with him, he was not interested in the baby either.

My other daughter who is 23 is really deeply sad and misses the baby a lot. However, she reminded me that we are old now, and when the baby is about 12, will my dh be able to play football with gs, no, we are too old to bring up a child really.

I have a friend who is 63, she has a 15 year old gd, they went on holiday together recently and her gd said what are we going to do today, my friend said nothing, me and granddad are having a restful holiday, sorry if you wanted to do stuff everyday but we are too old for that.

I might be trying to make myself feel better here but, imagine sickness, having to clean up after him when he is ill, Im funny like that, if it was my baby then very different, but I chose not to have any more, Im older now, I dont like bending down, Im not as active as I used to be.

I couldnt go out or if I did, dh had to look after gs, it was all a lot of work.

We have 3 other children, one getting married in Feb, Im looking forward to having grandchildren, ones that I can take out occasionally and buy things for.

Sorry, Im going on again, as usual.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jojospal]

Hi Heronbird,

  It's been a while since I've written anything on the boards, but, I've been looking in. More often recently as my dd, has been going through more drama, (which I refuse to get drawn into.)

  She found out that her new s/o, that proposed marriage to her earlier in the summer, was already married to someone else. The discussion flamed into  domestic violence and she was left all alone, yet again. My dh and I sent her some money to get her car out of the police impound, (since he was driving it when the police apprehended him.)

  She is getting some help and direction from victim's services and she is seeing a Pdoc, so I'm grateful for that.

  I haven't seen my three grandchildren in over a year now and I miss them. I do keep in touch with them by sending holiday and birthday gifts. My ten year old gd phoned to thank me for her birthday present, and we had such a lovely chat.

  To me, it's just another one of those things that I must accept. Without even knowing that I was setting a boundary nearly eleven years ago when, I had said to my pregnant daughter that I was never going to raise her child if she became unable to. I would only be a grandma. My SILs are far from perfect, but they have their own families to support them and the children are not in danger, and are being cared for with lots of love.

  I live over 500 miles from them all and I would visit them every week, if I was in the same town. I guess what I'm saying is, in your case, nothing is set in stone. You may have realized that you don't want to be the primary caregiver to your gs, but you have every right to be his grandma and you could explore if there is any grandparents rights legislation in GB.

[heronbird]

Thank you Jojo,

So nice to hear from you again. Interesting post too.

See, the difference is, X SIL mum is strange and has OCD, also his sister has had 2 children taken from her, the mum got one who has terrible behaviour problems at age 3, I suspect the grandma hasnt been the best primary caregiver for the poor child.

One brother is in prison the other is violent and nasty.

There is one sister who as far as I know may be ok, ish anyway.

He hasnt got a dad.

So no support on that side  

As SIL was a drug dealer and a bit of a bum in regards to work, yes sure, he worked but it was casual and he never paid tax.

I know my GS will end up with behaviour problems, dirty clothes and neglected, Im not sure I would be able to cope with that.

SIL hates my dd so much now, turned so so cold, she told me a while ago he hates her and now I believe her.

I would love to have a chat with gs in 10 years time on the phone, and I always have a place in my heart for him.

I cant send him birthday money because sil will get drugs with it. I dont know if the dad would give him any presents, and why should I if the dad may just sell it or something.

Like you said , nothing is set in stone, so will have to play it by ear for now.

Soon dd may feel better, then what will happen when she wants to see baby, she is not allowed him on her own so I will have to be there probably.

I did tell dd when she wanted a baby that if I end up looking after it she must get steralised, I bet she wont though.