How long does it take to heal?

[clairedair]

Hi Phoenix Rising

I hoped seeing him for first time since wedding would help with the detachment but it has had opposite effect.   I think if I see him and his new wife together properly, it might be very painful but then his re-marriage would not still seem a little surreal.  Seeing him wearing a ring should have been a very clear statement but as I said previously, it just didn't suit him.  I think if I had thought it 'fitted', then his re-marriage would have seemed right.  He seems perfectly happy so not sure why I feel this way about his ring!  Maybe part of me doesn't want it to fit - not because I wish he was with me but because I'm a bit embarrassed that he is so much happier so quickly with someone else.

He texted tonight asking to talk on phone later but seeing him at weekend was enough - I've put him off by saying I'll e-mail (it's about money). I didn't lie about not being in but I feel a little guilty about avoiding him.  We have had hardly any contact for months and now it's increasing.  I didn't find it too hard to be friendly at weekend but I was really trying my best to make it a good day for my son without too much tension.  I had a good day at work today but his text has thrown me.  Now he's e-mailed me.  It was me who first brought up the money issue some time ago and there's nothing nasty in either message, but I need another day or two before I want to engage again. 

Another healing setback but I'm going to concentrate on the fact that I made it through Saturday without compromising myself and didn't spend today at work thinking about it all.  Plus I started listening to a Brene Brown CD about shame which I hope will be helpful. 

Thanks again for the replies,

Claire

[eeyore]

I'm going to concentrate on the fact that I made it through Saturday without compromising myself and didn't spend today at work thinking about it all. 

Kudos to you.  I'm proud of you. 

[clairedair]

Thanks eeyore - struggling more today as I had a very vivid dream involving him that woke me early, I then missed my alarm and was very nearly late for a meeting   

It takes so much energy to keep pulling myself back from it all and try to concentrate on my present and future.  I get to a point where I think I am feeling emotionally stronger, physically better etc and then come crashing down.  There was a Kelly Clarkson song about being stronger and standing taller on radio as I rushed to work - helped a bit.  I should make up a "go get 'em" playlist!

The contact and the dream have got to me and I'm too tired today to deal with e-mailing him.  The money issue is a bit complex and I know if I try to write an e-mail now, I'll get myself mixed up.  It's hard sometimes to even be clear what it is that I want as an outcome which means he just picks my arguments apart.  Topic of money is a major stressor.

I know that part of my lack of concentration today is that I have to decide soon about attending a mutual friend's wedding.  My exH is taking the service and I just don't think I can sit there and listen to him preach about marriage with me and new wife in the pew.  I don't even know what she looks like so could end up sitting next to her.   That would make for an interesting introduction!  Part of me thinks I should go and see them dancing together etc - as I said earlier, that might make it less surreal.  Today, that's the last thing I want to do.  He mentioned at the weekend that the couple are excited - the fact he talked about wedding makes me believe he doesn't think it'll be an issue for me.

I need to work out a way of sustaining the positive; keeping focussed on the new things in life and the old things that I still love and enjoy.  It's just so much harder when I'm tired.  Off for a meal so will try to eat something healthy instead of the chocolate cake I want 

[eeyore]

My exH is taking the service and I just don't think I can sit there and listen to him preach about marriage with me and new wife in the pew. 

Perfectly understandable.  Can you make better plans for the weekend?  Sounds like a great weekend for a mini vacation.  Maybe a spa vacation?  He isn't thinking about your feelings so that's why he doesn't know why it would be an issue for you.  I wouldn't want to meet under those circumstances.  Is it ok to give it time and have a more "organic" first meeting?

I need to work out a way of sustaining the positive; keeping focussed on the new things in life and the old things that I still love and enjoy.  It's just so much harder when I'm tired.  Off for a meal so will try to eat something healthy instead of the chocolate cake I want 

Good girl... .I'm all about Chocolate CAKE!

[seeking balance]

I know that part of my lack of concentration today is that I have to decide soon about attending a mutual friend's wedding.  My exH is taking the service and I just don't think I can sit there and listen to him preach about marriage with me and new wife in the pew.  I don't even know what she looks like so could end up sitting next to her.   That would make for an interesting introduction!  Part of me thinks I should go and see them dancing together etc - as I said earlier, that might make it less surreal.  Today, that's the last thing I want to do.  He mentioned at the weekend that the couple are excited - the fact he talked about wedding makes me believe he doesn't think it'll be an issue for me.

I wouldn't be able to watch my ex and new partner at a wedding - even 3 years later.  It would be too hypocritical for me and I would be bound to get angry and sad all over again. I remember my ex and I in MC after I found out about the affair and going to a wedding together... .I had a really hard time.  I was someone who took the vows seriously and hearing them while in the midst of learning lies yet trying to work through them, very hard.  About 3 months after ex moved out, I went to a cousins wedding and just hearing all the "forever" talk was emotional for me.

The way I see your choices are:

1.  Go, suck it up and watch your exH with his new wife.  The emotions are bound to be painful.

2. Don't Go - send a nice card and gift and plan something fun with a friend instead.  It will be sad too.

I tend to opt for the least painful path when making decisions that have pain either way.  I don't know if that is healthy or not, but I have stopped trying to prove I can handle everything any longer... .I am ok being emotionally where I am.

You will make the right choice for you.

[clairedair]

I tend to opt for the least painful path when making decisions that have pain either way.  I don't know if that is healthy or not, but I have stopped trying to prove I can handle everything any longer... .I am ok being emotionally where I am.

Been listening to the Brene Brown CD about shame "Men. Women and Worthiness" - and, coincidentally, the message I heard tonight was about not having to prove you can handle everything.  I wish it wasn't on CD because although it's quite useful listening in car as I commute (as long as I don't get too emotional!), I can't write things down to reflect on later, however, it's been useful listening so far.  Once I've listened to it all, I may start a post as a kind of review in case it's helpful to others.

I grew up avoiding conflict (not that there was conflict at home - we were encouraged to be 'nice' so conflict was really uncomfortable for me.  Anything like Jerry Springer brings me out in a rash!).  One of the reasons my exH would get frustrated with me was that I avoided dealing with stuff - though I'd have to say that I think that the more I started to respond and react, the more likely he was to leave    The last few years I have really pushed myself to face up to stuff but I feel at times that I've maybe tried too hard and I'm wondering if the wedding is an example of me telling myself I SHOULD be able to do this when I know that everyone will be understanding about it.  I did well enough at weekend sharing our son's trip to college but there is always a 'payback' when I do these things and I think that even if I just went to the wedding reception later to avoid service, there would be a high emotional cost afterwards.

I am a very image oriented person - I know that seeing him dancing with new wife would stick in my brain.  I can't unsee it.  One of the things I really used to enjoy was dancing with him.

I don't think I can go to wedding but I'm mad about that because there will be some folks there that I haven't seen for years plus I know it will be a really great party!

He called again tonight - my son saw my reaction to the caller display and told him I was asleep.  I have had to apologise to my son and say that he does not need to lie for me but there wasn't time to work out what to do when the phone rang.  I didn't expect him to call again as he had e-mailed.

Can you make better plans for the weekend?  Sounds like a great weekend for a mini vacation.

I'm already in debt for having a lovely weekend away when he got married a few months ago!  Another trip to stop myself thinking about a wedding might bankrupt me   

Good girl... .I'm all about Chocolate CAKE!

I'm about chocolate anything 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Clairdair,

Part of your post that struck me was where you mentioned 'how happy he is now'.  If he has BPD, and he has not received treatment, then I can almost guarantee that neither he nor his new wife will be blissfully happy on down the line.  He is happy in idealization, but we know what happens next.  Happiness just doesn't happen without some type of recovery.  I don't believe it.  I've had similar thoughts about my ex, though.  But you know what, what if they are happy?  Well, I should want the best for her, and, really, I do.  But I don't think she is truly happy now because she is married.  She was not a very happy person, and that doesn't magically fix itself.  In fact, it seemed like about 90 percent of the time, she was unhappy about something.

I'm gonna side with SeekingBalance about going to the wedding, too.  I personally wouldn't go.  That would seem like torturing myself.  You don't owe him anything.

Take care of you, because you are worth it! 

[charred]

I think the Brene Brown stuff will ultimately be helpful.

Read "I thought it was just me (but it isn't) and "The Gifts of Imperfection" over the weekend, and am about to finish up ":)aring Greatly."

(fyi; Just get ":)aring Greatly"... .it covers whats in the other two.)

Its kind of the missing piece to the puzzle for me.

To heal; I had to understand what BPD was, how I was able to fall for a disordered person... why the attachment was so incredibly strong, Had to realize I had my own issues, that my pwBPD didn't cause my problems, I brought them with me to the r/s. Then had to figure out what the problems were, where they came from and what would actually help. My other posts have covered up to "what would actually help"... .and my answer was connecting with people/genuine intimacy. Even found a good article that was a synopsis of the secret to connecting to people. Yet it didn't quite get me there. What was missing was realizing that there is something that keeps us from connecting... .a lot of somethings even, and the somethings seem to be rooted in trying to evade shame, fit in  and avoid being vulnerable. That is key info for me, because I have wanted to connect with people for a long time... .but still didn't, and changing my perspective helps, but knowing that shame avoidance is a part of what holds me back ... .and having advice on how to become resilient... gives a way to actually address the problem.

So what would be healing from the root cause of what led me to a pwBPD? Connecting with people, and living a genuine/authentic life... and after years of being a perfectionist... .accomplishing supposedly great things (that left me disappointed when nothing changed with the accomplishing of them)... and feeling the effects of disconnecting from feelings/people most the time, most my life... .it is clear to me that Brene Brown's on to something big and fundamental.

So for me healing has two parts... .getting substantially over the hurt from the breakup with the pwBPD... .which after a year, I think I am well enough to go on without anything but occasional longing flashbacks... .which I add memories of the reality of the r/s to and dismiss. The other part... is healing me from having the hole that I so desperately needed filled that I jammed a mean disordered pwBPD in to it and then ended up with an amazing case of indigestion from, as that didn't go there.

Fixing the disconnection and lack of genuine intimacy with people is my plan... .living an authentic life would be the goal to in fact have healed from all the FOO and pwBPD damage. How long will it take to "do it"... .good part of every day for the rest of my life... I hope.

I hope my exBPDgf finds her way to help and a good life, its been a month since I blocked her 100% on FB so I can't see her pages and I no longer am hurting or desiring to see them... .pwBPD have it even worse than we do from what I can tell. It is going to take some work to make me my concern... .despite having been told I am self centered and a narcissist, and worse by my pwBPD... .fact is I almost lost myself with my disconnecting from feelings and hurt and people... .chasing money, sex, boy toys, degrees, fitness... anything but being me and present to interact with people and be real.

Its funny... .I have heard of people talking about "being a fake"... and I always took it to mean incompetent, and acting like you knew what you were doing. Worked hard to know my stuff cold, and had some false ego about being competent... .and the real deal. My job has defined me in my head, when it wasn't my role (like dad, or father or good neighbor)... .but the emptiness inside from being everything but what you are, is in my opinion, the void that the pwBPD filled. We may have blunted our feelings and dodged getting hurt a lot, but at the cost of not feeling good or connecting nearly enough.

Going to take some bravery to make this situation right.

Only thing I am wondering now is... .am I once again boiling the ocean? Trying to get over momentary hurt by changing my whole life? It is due for a change.