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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Question on closure and has anyone received it from their exBPD partner?  (Read 341 times)
findingmyselfagain
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 940


« Reply #30 on: April 02, 2014, 02:56:56 PM »

I should probably give my exunpwBPD some credit. I do believe she tried to be as kind to me as she possibly could. We were engaged, and she gave me her ring back and said it wasn't fair for me to wait for her to "get it together." She couldn't put a time on the possibility of us getting back together but she did mention getting lunch and a movie in a few months... . and she mentioned how things were "really up in the air." So it was a break-up but pretty ambiguous as these sometimes seem to be. I never knew anything about BPD or recycling at the time.

I of course felt like she was the love of my life, etc., so I stayed in contact, but eventually things ended when I tried to figure out from her what happened, what she found out... . I don't think she could handle the emotions. I waited a few months before I tried to re-connect by letter. We emailed back and forth a few times. Sometimes she would respond quickly, and sometimes it would be months or never. I really think some of them have a harder time than others, especially when it comes to emotional intimacy. It's the nature of the illness. It finally ended when she found out I emailed one of her "friends." I was still trying to put the pieces together. All pretty much said she thought I was amazing, and were just as confused as I was by how things ended between us.

The best apology I ever received from her was "I'm sorry everything turned out this way." My T said that's probably the best I would get. Closure for me is accepting that there's no way we could ever have a healthy relationship unless she was very self-aware and willing to take responsibility. If I was stronger when we met, I would have pushed for counseling, but I don't doubt that it would have been even more stormy of an ending. At the end of the day, peace will only come from me and letting go of the fantasy. I'm in a better place now and generally wish her compassion. I understand I have to let her rescue herself. I would accept a genuine apology and friendship with her if she was treated and had proven herself, but I don't expect or need any more validation from her.
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dansure
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 96


« Reply #31 on: April 03, 2014, 04:54:13 AM »

No, I didn't get any closer from mx ex. We had several good byes during many of our break up (which we had for every ridiculous reason because of her), but for the final one she was simply gone. There was so much hate of all the sudden and whenever I tried to contact her to get closure she got angry. Nowadays I know that she had my replacement already lined up when we broke up for good.

But I found my closure. Simply by looking back in realizing that this relationship was highly toxic and that I wasn't happy with her. We had reached the point where I slept on the couch while she slept in my bed during exam periods, because she claimed that I moved too much, so she didn't get enough sleep and performed worst during exams... .

Every thing felt just wrong towards the end. Even the sex was just mechanic... . no passion or feelings involved. And if I am honest to myself I realize that even though I still loved her, I secretly wanted her to go because I was so annoyed by her. Every argument resulted in a break up, we couldn't talk about anything and I started to feel that she is not the person she pretended to be during the honeymoon stage.

No... . she had to go and I am glad that she cut me off. Because back then I was too weak to let her go, even though I should have done it months before we finally broke up for good. Even though it hurt, it was definitely for the best that she flipped a switch and cut me off. Otherwise I would have let her recycle me again and would be probably still in a relationship that doesn't make me happy.
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truthbeknown
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 569


« Reply #32 on: April 06, 2014, 11:34:22 PM »

I posted my story in another thread but I initiated no contact with my ex because she was stalking me and pretending to be someone else just to test me and see if i would be willing to take the bait.   When i confronted her about it she denied it.  I told her i had proof.  She said that there was no way i could have proof because she did nothing of the kind.  I then sent her the proof and explained that we could have remained friends if she hadn't lied but since she was in denial about it I can not trust her even as a friend. 

this happened at Thanksgiving of last year and she keeps periodically contacting me and asking me to forgive her.  In the past, I would ask her what she would like me to forgive her for and she couldn't realize what the turmoil was about.  It's almost as if she minimizes it or blocks it from her mind to protect herself.  However, that scared me and so i initiated no contact. 

While reading this post i felt conflicted because I don't know how to get closure in this case.  She still wants me to be her bf/partner and I although i was addicted to parts of her, I worry that contact with her would get me pulled back into the relationship.  Any thoughts on this one?
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