Need advise on leaving...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi Everyone, Long story but I'm planning on leaving my BPDGF at her Mom's house out of state. I've broken up with her several times and she just won't go away. I sold the house I had in my home town that we were living in & were on vacation traveling around. All her stuff & mine is in storage lockers (separate one's ... . She has many family members where we are so she'll be ok. I plan on renting a car, breaking up with her, shutting my phone off (already have another phone & number), shutting down my Facebook down & blocking her on email. Just driving back alone 1500 miles where I've lived for years. I'll get a house & she won't know where I am nor be able to contact me. She has a car where she is plus an income & a free place to stay. And she has as many if not more friends here than back home. Plus she can drive back if she wants to. This will be next month so I'll be looking for support when I do this. One question is should I tell a family member that we're both close to about this? (as I'm driving off I'll call him, I won't tell him ahead of time). I'm thinking this will help her

[hurtbyboderline]

Hi Everyone, Long story but I'm planning on leaving my BPDGF at her Mom's house out of state. I've broken up with her several times and she just won't go away. I sold the house I had in my home town that we were living in & were on vacation traveling around. All her stuff & mine is in storage lockers (separate one's ... . She has many family members where we are so she'll be ok. I plan on renting a car, breaking up with her, shutting my phone off (already have another phone & number), shutting down my Facebook down & blocking her on email. Just driving back alone 1500 miles where I've lived for years. I'll get a house & she won't know where I am nor be able to contact me. She has a car where she is plus an income & a free place to stay. And she has as many if not more friends here than back home. Plus she can drive back if she wants to. This will be next month so I'll be looking for support when I do this. One question is should I tell a family member that we're both close to about this? (as I'm driving off I'll call him, I won't tell him ahead of time). I'm thinking this will help her

[hurtbyboderline]

... . continued, had to go... . Anyway, I'm thinking this will help her through the situation at first if she has support. He'll call her right away. I don't want her doing anything stupid. My guess is she'll be more pissed that I told someone than she will that I broke up with her! But I've got to get out & can't seem to do it back home. Any thoughts on this? Positive or negative please let me know... .    Thank You!   zzz

[hurtbyboderline]

... . Also, should I give her the reasons (cheating, lying, self-centered, mean & grumpy, controlling, bossy, demanding, she's taken my identity, chased friends away, etc.) or just say it's not working? I'd love to tell her I caught her cheating & how I caught her! Many times she's said if she ever cheated on me I'd never catch her cuz she's to smart & good at it. Modern technology being what it is no one can get away with it if you want to catch them bad enough. And I've told her many times I can tolerate a lot of things but cheating isn't one of them. It's a deal breaker... . She'll deny cheating (of course) but if I tell her about the GPS system in her car (it's out now) & show her the proof even if she still deny's it she'll know that I know for sure. One time before I caught her by tricking her so I'd like to show proof. I think this might stop her from trying to still get in touch through friends, trick phone calls, etc... . (she'll be able to get my number at some point in the future, long story)... . What's everyone's opinion on this?    Thanks!   zzz

[Aussie0zborn]

First things first... .    Do what you gotta do but always be a gentleman about it. If you're mean abut it you might feel guilty later and that's not a good thing.

Before I left my uBPDwife I sat her down and pointed out a whole list of things I was unhappy about. I used modern technology too. She sat there totally shocked and for the first time she had no answer - not even an attack to blame me. 

Only weeks earlier she was lining up the next guy, had stolen my check book and when I needed to pay one of our bills she went to my desk and mysteriously "found" it for me right there in my desk drawer where it always was. I told her she didn't find it in my desk drawer and she found it where she had hidden it and her face dropped further. She thought she was smart too. And there was a whole host of other things. I kept a couple up my sleeve for insurance.

So my point is, if you need to give her a reason, you might just point out that she cheated on you with only enough details to let her know that you are smarter than her. That might be all it takes for her to not contact you again.

You sound very clear about escaping this harmful relationship. Don't make the mistake I made and go back once you've done it. There is no need for you to ever feel guilty about dumping her at her mothers place - it's not like you're dumping her by the side of a dirt road in the middle of nowhere.  I'm sure you'll have all the support you need here but try to engage a friend or two as well, just so you don't buckle. Good luck.

[hurtbyboderline]

Thank you AussieOzborn, Good advice. I will only mention the cheating. Now that I think about it I once answered her question of what didn't I like about her & I got carried away. I went on & on & she was blown away & I felt guilty... .We're not back at her Mom's yet but will be in a week or so. So that's when I've got to go. But I feel so guilty when I look at her. It's like I just keep thinking about how crushed she's going to be... .I think they call that 'being lost in the fog'? I do have support, in addition to this forum, from a couple of friends I talk to on a regular basis.   Thanks again,   zzz

[Lady31]

An idea if you do want to tell her what your issues were without getting out of hand in just a bashing argument, would be to write her a letter.  This would help you to tell her everything without a big fight, or without her distracting from what you're saying, etc.  It would also help you to get everything out.  You might even hide this letter and text her before you shut your phone off of where it is.

[hurtbyboderline]

Thank you Lady31, I was thinking about doing this but someone I know mention that after being together for almost 5 years a face to face talk would be better. BUT, we're talking about a talk w/ a Borderline! You know, maybe I'll write a detailed letter & hide it. Then I'll briefly talk to her (until she starts freaking out), leave & then call & tell her about letter... .Thanks again,   zzz

[happylogist]

Since you made a decision to leave her - talking to her might turn to a big trigger of rage, demonstrative behavior (like treats to self-harm/suicide and etc), but on the other hand - she needs to know that a) her behavior contributed to your breakup and b) think overall about her relationships for the future.  I think a very caring, but at the same not emotional letter might help for both of you: for you to have a closure of some sort, for her - have an opportunity to look at herself from a close person's perspective. 

[hurtbyboderline]

Thank you Happylogist,  good advice. The letter is probably the best. I've broken up (mostly tried) with her before & WOW it's a mess! Won't leave my house, says she'll call police & scratch herself & tell them I did it. Yells, screams, throws stuff, threatens suicide, getting loaded, etc... .But this is on MY terms, she doesn't have to leave. I leave ... .I know, I'll tell her what I know one day. She'll just deny it, even though she'll know she got busted. Then the next day leave, call her & tell her about the letter... .I'll already have a rental car parked down the street with my bags in it. I'll shut off my phone (use the other one I bought), delete Facebook & block e-mails... .  Wish me luck,    zzz