How to deal with sleep deprivation?

[Depression = 72% of members]

It seems my wife prefers to have arguments late at night. I don't think that's a control tactic, but it ends up working as such. Even when we start arguments earlier, they last for hours, into the night. Yesterday, I asked what I thought was a simple question and it ended up offending her and starting a four hour discussion-turned-argument.

My wife has become an insomniac because of all the anxiety and depression she has, and she makes me stay up with her so that she doesn't get too scared. I don't know how long I can keep that up, but I agreed I'd do it for her, at least for a little while, to keep her night anxiety down. But then there have been so many nights where we're arguing and all I want is to sleep. Last night, I told her I was tired and physically couldn't keep concentrated, but she needed me to keep going anyway -- she said it wouldn't be right to leave her anxious and angry and she wouldn't be able to sleep at all. I said she needed to learn to calm herself down and not rely on me, but I guess I did have a part in frustrating her, so I accepted some responsibility.

Anyway, these late-night discussions never go well. I get frustrated and start getting meaner and can't empathize as well, start acting more disrespectful because I can't concentrate and can't keep my eyes open as well. Sometimes she tells me to just get caffeine and keep going, but that's doesn't seem right. How can I put an end to these discussions, or let her know that I won't continue? She just refuses and follows me around to keep fighting, so that I can't sleep even if I wanted to. Sometimes it seems it's because she's angry, sometimes it's just because she feels that she needs closure to calm down. But I always end up lashing out more, things get more heated, and then I give up and start trying to just say whatever it is that will end the discussion quickest. That had led me to make unrealistic promises, stupid promises, and last night led me to say that I didn't care about her, because I was too tired to explain why I asked the question I did and how although it wasn't specifically a caring question, I was trying to consider her feelings while asking it.

[RedEye]

It seems my wife prefers to have arguments late at night. I don't think that's a control tactic, but it ends up working as such. Even when we start arguments earlier, they last for hours, into the night. Yesterday, I asked what I thought was a simple question and it ended up offending her and starting a four hour discussion-turned-argument.

My wife has become an insomniac because of all the anxiety and depression she has, and she makes me stay up with her so that she doesn't get too scared. I don't know how long I can keep that up, but I agreed I'd do it for her, at least for a little while, to keep her night anxiety down. But then there have been so many nights where we're arguing and all I want is to sleep. Last night, I told her I was tired and physically couldn't keep concentrated, but she needed me to keep going anyway -- she said it wouldn't be right to leave her anxious and angry and she wouldn't be able to sleep at all. I said she needed to learn to calm herself down and not rely on me, but I guess I did have a part in frustrating her, so I accepted some responsibility.

Anyway, these late-night discussions never go well. I get frustrated and start getting meaner and can't empathize as well, start acting more disrespectful because I can't concentrate and can't keep my eyes open as well. Sometimes she tells me to just get caffeine and keep going, but that's doesn't seem right. How can I put an end to these discussions, or let her know that I won't continue? She just refuses and follows me around to keep fighting, so that I can't sleep even if I wanted to. Sometimes it seems it's because she's angry, sometimes it's just because she feels that she needs closure to calm down. But I always end up lashing out more, things get more heated, and then I give up and start trying to just say whatever it is that will end the discussion quickest. That had led me to make unrealistic promises, stupid promises, and last night led me to say that I didn't care about her, because I was too tired to explain why I asked the question I did and how although it wasn't specifically a caring question, I was trying to consider her feelings while asking it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ltul]

    Just my opinion but I do think they start arguments at nights to manipulate and beat us down. It  is a form of abuse and control. My husband has used this for years to mess with my head. What better way to make someone doubt their sanity then to make sure they are exhausted and confused. How quickly they get us to agree with them just so they will stop the crazy talk.  Mine usually waited for me to go to sleep and would wake me up at 2-3o'clock in the morning to demand me to explain something that was completely twisted. sometimes it was to yell at me about how I find him  unattractive or that he was not going to be married to someone who doesn't trust him and that he was done with me.

     My best advice is to set boundaries around when you are willing to talk about conflicts. Nothing after 9. Say "I hear how important this is to you but I think for both of us tomorrow would be a better time to talk." At first for me this was hard but the more I stuck to my guns about not engaging the less he attempt to start arguments. He will still go off and pout and sleep on the couch but I get a good night sleep. There is nothing so important that it won't keep till tomorrow.

     If we value ourselves enough we will see how we deserve to be treated with respect. Whether they do this consciously or unconsciously they can choose consciously to stop it.

[ApChagi1]

I have the EXACT same thing with my dBPDw.  Probably 80% of the time as we get ready for bed she finds something to be upset about.  The one last night was about how I don't help her to stick to a schedule and she needs to be asleep by 9pm and I'm somehow preventing her from that.  So to prove her point she stayed up until 4 am while I slept and told me it was my fault she did so. 

Quite the barrel of laughs having a BPD partner, isn't it? *sigh*

[RedEye]

On one hand, I'm sure that even though I'm not getting much sleep, she's getting even less than I am. That's probably compounding her problems both physically and emotionally, so I can't complain too much about my sleep problems in comparison to hers.

On the other hand, since I'm capable of getting a good night's sleep (and I think I naturally require much more sleep than she does), I'd like to do so. And I can't fix her insomnia -- even if it is my fault (which I don't think it is, but she "reminds" me daily that it is), she needs a doctor or counselor for her anxiety, not me. Me staying up with her isn't really going to help anything, and it won't help at all long-term, except to make my day miserable. But she doesn't want to see anybody... . partly, I think, because she doesn't think they can help, and partly because she wants me to fix this, since she thinks I caused it and thus am responsible for it.

[MammaMia]

Mikoshi

Welcome to BPDF.  We are happy you are here.

Sleep deprivation is devastating.  It can affect everything in your life.  I agree with whomever said no discussions after 9 pm.  Set this boundary in stone.  If she will not comply, sleep elsewhere.

I am also a huge fan of Melatonin as a sleep aid.  I have taken it for 19 years every night with no side effects.  It comes in 3, 5, and 10 mgs.  I take 10 and it is wonderful.  You might want to try at least 5 and if no help, try 10 mgs.

Sadly, it does not work for everyone, but it might be worth a try.  It is OTC and not expensive.  Any pharmacy or store that sells supplements should have it.  It may help both you and your wife.

Good luck.

[suffering_parent]

I dealt with this for 12 years.   Try it with a newborn, 1 year old, 2 year old and a BPD wife who wants to argue all night.

It was worse for me early in our relationship, but never really left.   I did a couple all nighters with her.   At the end you thought you made progress, but in a couple days your back at square one.

I ended up taking naps on a regular basis.   She supported me to do that.   The strange thing is she could not nap and wasn't sleeping at night.   I dunno how she survived on no sleep.

[Grey Kitty]

I highly recommend that you find a way to get your sleep. As they say, put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others. If you make yourself sleep-deprived, you will be poor company for her and make things worse.

The best tool for this is setting a boundary, and we've got a great workshop on how to do it:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

The key thing about boundaries like this is that boundaries are actions YOU take to protect yourself in response to her actions. They aren't rules that she can chose to break or follow.

You have two things that are worth setting boundaries about here:

1. Not fighting after 9pm (or some such time)

This one is simple--just disengage from any arguments. (Simple does not always mean easy)

2. Not letting your sleep be interrupted.

This could be tougher. You may need to go to a different bedroom to get peace and sleep, or even go to a friend's house or a motel for the night if she won't let you alone.

But the key is that you cannot be forced to stay up fighting if you don't want to. Remember that--you have a choice. And you know how the choice to stay up fighting until you get unskillful and make things worse goes. Pick a different choice.

At least come morning you will be better able to cope with her exhaustion!

Good luck!

 GK

[Bioman]

Mikoshi

Welcome to BPDF.  We are happy you are here.

Sleep deprivation is devastating.  It can affect everything in your life.  I agree with whomever said no discussions after 9 pm.  Set this boundary in stone.  If she will not comply, sleep elsewhere.

I am also a huge fan of Melatonin as a sleep aid.  I have taken it for 19 years every night with no side effects.  It comes in 3, 5, and 10 mgs.  I take 10 and it is wonderful.  You might want to try at least 5 and if no help, try 10 mgs.

Sadly, it does not work for everyone, but it might be worth a try.  It is OTC and not expensive.  Any pharmacy or store that sells supplements should have it.  It may help both you and your wife.

Good luck.

i no the post is old but don't for god sake mess around with Melatonin as a sleep aid

it was intended for jet lag very short term use you body makes Melatonin at a night when it is dark outside messing with mother nature and Melatonin as a sleep aid is a very bad move 10mg is very excessive Google it and find out the damage you will do to yourself seek advice from a Gp / sleep clinic first

Bioman i am an insomniac and will steer clear of this drug   

[MammaMia]

Bio

Interesting.  I found the following information about melatonin.

Melatonin supplements are sometimes used to treat jet lag or sleep problems (insomnia). Scientists are also investigating other good uses for melatonin, such as:

Treating seasonal affective disorder (SAD).

Helping to control sleep patterns for people who work night shifts.

Preventing or reducing problems with sleeping and confusion after surgery.

Reducing chronic cluster headaches.

It may also be that melatonin, when taken as a supplement, can stop or slow the spread of cancer, make the immune system stronger, or slow down the aging process, and these areas of research are being actively pursued.

Melatonin is also being studied to see if it can be used to treat sleep problems in people who are blind.

In most cases, melatonin supplements are safe for short-term and long-term use. But be sure to talk with your doctor about taking them if you are on other medications.

Melatonin is a hormone that is produced naturally in our bodies.  However, the amount produced decreases as we age, often causing sleep problems.

   

I have a sleep disorder, and I am sticking with my melatonin.

[MammaMia]

Bio

GPs and Sleep Clinics often recommend RX meds like Trazadone, Ambien, or Lunestra for insomnia.  However, these meds (and other RX drugs) come with extreme side effects: feeling heavily drugged on awakening, performing tasks like eating or driving with no memory of doing so.  They can bring on terrible nightmares, have a very high incidence of addiction, and cannot be stopped rapidly without withdrawal symptoms.  

In addition, these RX medications cannot be taken by people with kidney, liver, lung disease, sleep apnea, or depression, and they are expensive.

While pretty much everything we put in our bodies carries some risk, I honestly think melatonin is the better alternative for me. You may think differently and I respect your viewpoint.

I apologize for rambling and being off topic.   

[Bioman]

Bio

GPs and Sleep Clinics often recommend RX meds like Trazadone, Ambien, or Lunestra for insomnia.  However, these meds (and other RX drugs) come with extreme side effects: feeling heavily drugged on awakening, performing tasks like eating or driving with no memory of doing so.  They can bring on terrible nightmares, have a very high incidence of addiction, and cannot be stopped rapidly without withdrawal symptoms.  

In addition, these RX medications cannot be taken by people with kidney, liver, lung disease, sleep apnea, or depression, and they are expensive.

While pretty much everything we put in our bodies carries some risk, I honestly think melatonin is the better alternative for me. You may think differently and I respect your viewpoint.

I apologize for rambling and being off topic.   

Thank you for your reply

in the UK you cannot get melatonin OTC or Gp it is only given out by a sleep clinic or Hospital

i have to use a hole lot of meds at night to try and sleep 2hr before bed then 1hr and 15min then cross fingers it will work

i have asked my Gp about melatonin and was turned down flat at 1mg

will 1 mg work for you ?

i do agree with you re other meds yes addictive but i have been an a insomniac for many years and still having problems i would love to go to bed at a normal time 11pm and not 2/3am it is like ground hog day but for me it would be ground hog night

Bioman