When is the right time to tell my SO , " Knowledge is power"?

[dpkece]

Hi Guys,

My story is at https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=207728.0.

Even though my SO has split me black has some members advised me( she broke up with me 2 months ago. She occasionally emails me about some stuff which is not intimate. I understand that I am going through a phase between victim and rescuer role too. I have gone almost NC. I do not email her on my own , and whenever she emails me there is a week of gap in between.

In this stage , I cannot ask her to go to therapist and I am sure she will not do it. But she knows about her condition . She likes knowing about what she is going through. I want to send her few books regarding BPD ( recommended by this forum) as well as the DBT workbook, as a stepping stone to get into therapy again!

As a non partner I am aware of my limited powers. But is there a communication technique or any thing which I can effectively use during this NC to gain some knowledge about her condition. It is a long distance one too , at the moment. Is there anyway at all to tell "knowledge is power". Lets make things better for each other?

I mostly get a Big No, any streak of possibility?

Please advise.

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[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi dpkece

How does she feel about her disorder/diagnosis?

If I understand correctly, she knows she has a disorder and she is seeking information about it?

If that is the case, and you would like to send her some information, you could try presenting the idea using the SET format. Do you know about the SET technique?

I would be careful not to present it as if you're trying to "fix" her, but more in the spirit of "here's some information I came across and it seems to be like what you've read about/told me about before so I thought of you".

[briefcase]

Just my opinion here . . . I wouldn't send her anything about BPD unless she asks for your help with this.  This is her journey, not yours - especially now that you are broken up and in low contact with each other. 

[dpkece]

Thanks Scarlet and Briefcase.

Yes she is diagnosed and was given therapy for 3 months including a three day hospitalization when she was dysregulated during the time when she was in between jobs( low self esteem phase i guess) three years ago. However, did not attempt to self harm or harm any one else. A lot of crying and being depressed with no social lead her to go seek treatment and that is when she was diagnosed with BPD. However, she was tested negative for several others which she doubted she had like NPD, OCD, Bipolar. She still is slightly claustrophobic, but manages to take a 10 minute subway ride or travel under a tunnel for a short period of time.

She takes several steps in daily life to regulate her emotions, like baking, helping others. However she is a HF, so it is not possible for outsiders or her colleagues to understand what she is going through.

Coming to the present situation, I talked to her mom recently over phone and she said, last week she wanted to goto a nearby therapy clinic which offers therapy to BPD. She put some clothes in her bag and after sometime decided not to go and mentioned that she was tired. So, she does take some initiative to improve her situation but does not know how to do it or somehow does not feel the push yet to goto therapy again.

All this without me talking anything related to BPD. Yes, Scarlet ! I read about BPD and implemented it, it works like a miracle- at least over email conversation. I asked her as a favor to just remain online in a chat client just to feel that she is one ping away. She felt comfortable over that, but she said that the chat client keeps signing out when there is inconsistent signal, so I suggested her an alternative. Suddenly she replied with , "ST*U" .

Usually my reaction would have been an equal abuse. This time, I did not reply to her for 3 hours and came back and replied , " I was suggesting a resolution. Frequent mails make you angry and you abuse /personally attack me at the end of it. I get hurt when you abuse me. I would rather stay away to avoid this whole situation ."

For this she immediately replied with, " Sorry. I just don't want to get back to mailing frequently. Please.

I really am sorry. Don't mean to hurt you but just please."

This would have gone so horrible without my knowledge about S.E.T, timeouts, emotional thermometer. However  I am not a therapist, I am learning things and getting better day by day. Somewhere , I read magic words like : " hit_ when things calm down" and " the situation between us" . At least through emails it is working.

I would agree that I cannot send her materials about BPD right away, but I think she does have some initiative to make herself better.

[dpkece]

I would be careful not to present it as if you're trying to "fix" her, but more in the spirit of "here's some information I came across and it seems to be like what you've read about/told me about before so I thought of you".

You are right, Scarlet. When I do send her few resources about it, I would approach it in that manner. But I am still not sure when is the right time to do it. So I am giving time and space, taking it day by day for her to open up and speak to me regarding it. At that time, I would approach her with S.E.T techniques just like you mentioned.

[dpkece]

Her bday is coming in few days ? Can I send her an email or card or remain NC ? I have seen similar posts about bday . But i cant help to get things which she liked few months ago. I do not want a response in return . I am not expecting anything at all back from her. But i do not know the right thing to do. Pls help !

[Chosen]

Just my opinion here . . . I wouldn't send her anything about BPD unless she asks for your help with this.  This is her journey, not yours - especially now that you are broken up and in low contact with each other. 

briefcase said this eloquently.  2nd this.  This is her journey.  You also have your own journey, and I dare say that knowledge IS power for both of you... .just that in this moment in time it's probably better for you to spend time learning about BPD apart. 

Reading about BPD and the Lessons on here really helped me.  Knowing the way pwBPDs think and act helps me communicate better, even though I don't agree with their method of expression.  It also helps that there are so many people here who have experienced similar things as I do, so I know I'm not alone. 

Hope you'll stay around and read more.  Knowledge helps, even if we are in no power to cure that person.

[dpkece]

Thanks Chosen!

I completely agree. I do not have power ! It is just that I am in a different part of the world away from all my family and friends is just making it very challenging for me. I wish all the knowledge I gain turns into practice and allows me to move on sooner. The pain is really too much to handle. I wish I was engaged with some activity or the other for all 24 hours in a day. A minute of her thoughts pushes me into the downward spiral and it takes 3 to 4 hours to really come out of it.

I guess, it was all a costly mistake for 2 and half years.