How to Detox -getting out before it really gets started

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello,

I have been on this board and found it to be a wonderful haven at times when I didn't know where else to turn. When my BPD bf moved out on his own-things started to change.  After 2 + years of idealization in a long distance relationship-I finally got to see him and spend time with him. It was wonderful-everything I had ever dreamed of in a lover-someone who cared about ME finally! And then, slowly I began to see another side of my beloved. When he moved out of the home where he was living in a dead marriage-with his kids-and into an apartment so we could begin making plans he was so excited.  All he had to do was get the divorce, and I get a job and move down to be with him-and all would be fine. Well, he started to be very negative, complaining about everything I did and telling me exactly what to do and how to do it in a tone that was disrespectful at times.  Then he just shut down on me.  I had an interview and didn't get the job.  I felt his reaction-a complete reversal of the excited energetic attitude I had encountered before. Now it was complete lethargy-back to one word sentences-like yep or ok. It is like the bottom dropped out.   Fast forward 2 months -he is so very very jealous of any man that wants to talk to me-and of course I have to tell him everything-every detail of everything-just seemingly so he can throw it back in my face-that's how it starts he will say, and before you know it-he'll be asking you out... . same song hundredth verse. Every time we get close to making it work, he gets all excited and happy and back to the idealization-then something happens, I leave and he will hardly talk to me at all.  I had to wait 4 hours for a return text-when before I had 47 average on any day.! It just is mind boggling.  Sorry so long.  Just I am at the point of giving up and have been reading how to exit-I have paid for most of everything he has, and I do all the work of coming to see him-he can't travel here. He is a poor pathetic man-who can't seem to get a break-according to him. so here i sit. Waiting and being true just like he wants.  What about what I want? I don't think that matters so much.   I just need to work on getting this over with -as in NC but I don't want to do it quickly-want to wean myself off of the dependence I have developed. Is this possible? Is it wise? Just need some help. Thank you.

[dreamer321]

Hello,

I have been on this board and found it to be a wonderful haven at times when I didn't know where else to turn. When my BPD bf moved out on his own-things started to change.  After 2 + years of idealization in a long distance relationship-I finally got to see him and spend time with him. It was wonderful-everything I had ever dreamed of in a lover-someone who cared about ME finally! And then, slowly I began to see another side of my beloved. When he moved out of the home where he was living in a dead marriage-with his kids-and into an apartment so we could begin making plans he was so excited.  All he had to do was get the divorce, and I get a job and move down to be with him-and all would be fine. Well, he started to be very negative, complaining about everything I did and telling me exactly what to do and how to do it in a tone that was disrespectful at times.  Then he just shut down on me.  I had an interview and didn't get the job.  I felt his reaction-a complete reversal of the excited energetic attitude I had encountered before. Now it was complete lethargy-back to one word sentences-like yep or ok. It is like the bottom dropped out.   Fast forward 2 months -he is so very very jealous of any man that wants to talk to me-and of course I have to tell him everything-every detail of everything-just seemingly so he can throw it back in my face-that's how it starts he will say, and before you know it-he'll be asking you out... . same song hundredth verse. Every time we get close to making it work, he gets all excited and happy and back to the idealization-then something happens, I leave and he will hardly talk to me at all.  I had to wait 4 hours for a return text-when before I had 47 average on any day.! It just is mind boggling.  Sorry so long.  Just I am at the point of giving up and have been reading how to exit-I have paid for most of everything he has, and I do all the work of coming to see him-he can't travel here. He is a poor pathetic man-who can't seem to get a break-according to him. so here i sit. Waiting and being true just like he wants.  What about what I want? I don't think that matters so much.   I just need to work on getting this over with -as in NC but I don't want to do it quickly-want to wean myself off of the dependence I have developed. Is this possible? Is it wise? Just need some help. Thank you.

[Surnia]

Hi dreamer321

So sorry to hear about this. 

Falling out of a long idealization and going into the complete opposite is hard to bear. Yes, sometimes detox is needed. 

Yes, it is possible to come out of the dependence. The Lessons here on Leaving may be a good start -------> look at the right side.

Taking good care of you could be helpful too. Focus on things you enjoy - seing friends you haven't seen for a while, a new hobby. Sounds a bit simple: When something is taken from you like the idealization of a rs, you have to found something else to focus on.

What do you plan concerning supporting him with money?

[dreamer321]

Sernia,

Thank you for your response. At times I feel helpless. I actually broke it off for a week, but I am so amazed at how this relationship feels like i believe an addiction would feel. I have never been addicted to something in my life-but this-is just-well so intense-and I am so torn because I really feel that with all the reading I have done and in understanding the disorder and working with it-in using the tools that I have learned and now actually putting detachment into practice-repeating what I hear him saying and knowing that he is only hearing from me what he is able to hear and understand in that moment-knowing almost from the beginning that this just was something other than a normal relationship-all of that into one bag tells me that maybe I should just stay. No real expectations of anything really. Not letting myself get too into caught into the trap of feeling things-because of his projections. Yes it feels like I am being manipulated every day. Every time I talk to him really I feel that I am because that is his reality. That is where he lives. He doesn't have a clue what he is doing to me or how its affecting me. He is just trying to survive. Now. Where do I go from here? Well I am going out with friends this week. I have developed a new friendship with a man who is more-on the same page with me. I don't look for anything there-just taking it a day at a time. I want to just enjoy my friends for now. Going out is a huge step for me as I have been a Stepford wife now for almost 3 years. But I can't wait. I feel like cinderella at the ball.   As for the money situation-he has pretty much tapped me dry. When I can break it off he says he will pay me back-but I sincerely doubt it. I have paid at least partially for the apartment he has been able to rent. i see that he will have to go back to live with his family. Unfortunately for him-Midnight is upon him-(reference to the Cinderella story) but I can't help caring for him. I will never stop loving him. Thank you for letting me go on and for responding to my plea for help! 

[Surnia]

Hi dreamer

Well I am going out with friends this week. I have developed a new friendship with a man who is more-on the same page with me. I don't look for anything there-just taking it a day at a time. I want to just enjoy my friends for now.

Great steps. And good you put him on his own feet according to money. And loving someone doesn't mean necessarily to have a rs with him... .

Keep going, dreamer. 

[dreamer321]

Surnia,

It was great talking to you. I think sometimes just voicing to someone else what I am feeling is a great source of comfort and a little relief. I feel things so deeply-I am an HSP and also an empath-so this has helped me tremendously to be able to see how i can control my own feelings. It is a learning experience. Thank you again for your words of encouragement. Hope you continue to grow every day as I have.

[Surnia]

Surnia,

It was great talking to you.

thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it.