What now? Never came home from school..

[vivekananda]

Hi BPDteensmom,

When I was teaching I often saw boys like yours - and they didn't have BPD that I knew either. They are able to slip under the radar easily in a classroom if they present no discipline problem. Calling them to account with homework or classwork not done is almost impossible. It's classic situation of dragging a horse to water and the horse although thirsty, not drinking.

Your boy does not value learning or school and that it perhaps what is underlying this attitude. I assume that's so, because he doesn't seem to have any learning difficulties. I wonder what his friends perspective on school is... .

I believe the answer to this situation lies in boundaries... .but I can be persuaded elsewise. What I am thinking is that you value education and learning so you expect your ds to attend school, participate and fulfil his potential. Personally I also believe that it is better for your son to have the structured environment that school provides. Your ds it seems is engaged in a 'power struggle' his attitude to school is 'anti authoritarian'. He wants to do what he wants... .but of course, he would have great difficulty in articulating what he wants.

So, I am wondering... .can you ask him what he wants out of life? Does he want to travel the world? Does he want to marry and raise a family? Does he want to be looked up to as a strong man living a good life, with a good job? Does he know what sort of career he wants? I expect that he will say, 'I don't know' to much of this. If that's so, you can say that when you do know, you can work towards achieving those goals, but while you don't know how you will be a strong independent young man with a future, you will make the decisions for him. And the way that you know he can achieve his goals later in life is by taking advantage of the opportunity school and education provides.

The problem with this is that it is all logic. Somehow, so in order to do it so it makes better sense, you need to recognise the emotions eg 'do you think it would be exciting to travel the world? Having a family of your own is a great source of pride and happiness, do you want a family of your own? Going out into the world and earning a living helps you feel so in control of life, doing a good days work helps you really feel proud. Have you an idea what sort of career you want? Being a man in todays world is a real challenge, when we see a young man who is strong and living a good life, we can admire his achievements. How can your life be a good life, have you thought of that?'

As I say, I am not sure of this, make it makes sense to me... .

Finally, I would be seen as often as possible at the school, so the teachers and administration knew me and my concerns... .Or perhaps it would be better if it was your dh who did this?

cheers,

Vivek    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bpdteensmom]

Thanks Viv

Lately... .well actually for a long time... I've felt that this school doesn't really care whether or not their kids graduate or drop out.  I don't feel like they follow through with their own rules consistently, and I'm sure my boy knows this.  I've seen him work the system like a fiddle.  He's clever in how he plays the administration.

It's true, in class he doesn't cause a ruckus if he's not paying attention, he just puts his head down and sleeps.  At least he reports he does this... but I know he doesn't cause a ruckus in class.  I get frustrated because we've met with the school so many times, and there are people that have been good resources for us, but others that seem to do the exact opposite of what they say they will.  I emailed the guidance counselor... one of the helpful ones... this week and told her I notice by looking online that he's skipping classes, and perhaps he's bouncing back and forth between the school social worker and her... and if so, if they could work together to get him back to class, that would be good.  He's done this before, so it's not a new concept and something they should be aware of.  As it turns out, the teachers weren't filling out a report when he wasn't showing up to class and weren't dealing with him... so he was just not going to classes.  Well, it so happens that he skipped a class that morning and the assistant principal (who has been in all the meetings but is completely clueless and really hurting the situation) caught him so she then apparently had seen my email and finally decided that this was an issue and called me.  Today he got a detention for skipping classes. So, she must have spoken to his teachers.  Finally.  How can they not notice a kid not showing up to school or class consistently? Schools been in session for 3 weeks and he's been to his history class ONCE!

Anyway, some of what you've said we've actually spoken to him about along with the family therapist.  He doesn't have goals because he doesn't think he'll be alive long enough to fulfill them.  It takes 'too much effort' to achieve anything or try to accomplish something. It's hard for him to see that far ahead. 

" If that's so, you can say that when you do know, you can work towards achieving those goals, but while you don't know how you will be a strong independent young man with a future, you will make the decisions for him. And the way that you know he can achieve his goals later in life is by taking advantage of the opportunity school and education provides"

I like that a lot. We've been talking about control with him in family therapy... .well... talking... he's pretending not to listen... but he's definitely trying to be in control and make the decisions and be independent.  He doesn't ask if he can go out, he just says, I'm going out or don't make plans for me saturday because I'm doing xyz.  So I like this take on things. I'll see if I can try it.

Pessim-optimist... he's been evaluated for an IEP, and his scores were above average on most of the academic/learning things.  He had a neuro-psych eval not too long ago too... didn't really talk about the learning piece, but basically there don't seem to be any learning disabilities in the traditional sense.  My feeling is that he's always been very bright and learning and taking tests/remembering things always came very easy to him.  At some point, the material began to get more difficult and required him to work a little bit to retain the information, and he would just give up at the slightest difficulty.  In fact, he admitted tonight that if there's something he's trying to learn and he doesn't get it right away, he just gives up.  This means he won't work at it... if he doesn't get it, he's all done with it and won't go back.  It's been an interesting journey with his bicycle racing too... .he enjoys it more so he will get back on if he falls off... but he doesn't push himself most of the time.  The internal motivator is not there...

[vivekananda]

Hi there,

The problems at the school I am familiar with. I would say there is very poor leadership - the teachers are hamstrung with poor leadership and with someone like your beautiful boy, it's just too hard. Is there a school that could be a better alternative? If so, that might be worth investigating.

It's your boundaries that need a bit of focus for you. Have you read this?

"Boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend

It comes with excellent recommendations.


Vivek      

[Reality]

Dear BPDteensmom:

Here in Canada, there was a major issue with a young lady, Raetah Parsons, who committed suicide after being cyber-bullied etc and then changing schools several times.  :)ebra Pepler, a globally-renowned academic in the field of bullying was asked to formulate recommendations for the Nova Scotian government as a result of the public outcry.  She said succinctly that lack of consistent school attendance needs to be a red flag for emerging mental health issues.  Period.

The school is dropping the ball.  I like Vivek ananda's idea of your husband contacting the school.  Perhaps even better would be your husband and you meeting together with all school personnel involved to make sure everyone is accountable.  A physical meeting with simple agreed-upon strategies.  How will the teachers be informed of the plan of action?  Your child doesn't appear, the teacher contacts you and your dh right away.  Consequences... .if your son misses ONE class.

IMHO, your son needs to be home after school on school days.  If he is smoking pot with friends, he will find it difficult to do school the next day.  Your son sounds highly intelligent.  He is used to learning being easy. He is probably more advanced in his thinking than many of his peers.  Nonetheless, he has to do the boring, jump through the hoops of high school.  It is his job until he has finished.  He needs to gain full credits each year.  This loosey-goosey approach in many schools of gaining less credits than expected is wrong because teen-agers need very strong structure and expectations.  They question enough, without this additional slackness.  

He doesn't need a hospital.  He needs to go to school and stay away from his drug friends, who don't go to school.

Pine River Institute in Ontario helps kids who become de-railed: school attendance is always an issue.  Isolation from family, then friends... . These are very seriously ill kids.  They give them old-fashioned limits, help them complete high school and feed them well and make sure they exercise tons.  Ages 13 to 19.  80% success rate.  Old-fashioned, kind expectations.

Your dd's biking is awesome.  I bet you make nutritious meals.  He needs to be there every evening to eat them.  Then, he needs to be at home all night to do his homework.  If he can't do that or won't, he needs a residential treatment facility where they will provide the support he needs to get his work accomplished: completing each school year successfully.  

Looking back, it was de-railing from school, which was the beginning of the descent for my son.  Sorry if I sound opinionated, but I trust Debra Peplar's expertise.  I am an educator and it makes total sense.  The highly-sensitive, brilliant ones can out-trick many, but they can't out-trick themselves when they start using substances.  They get caught.  They don't have the common sense to do the ordinary boring stuff.

If your son was bullied, he is very afraid and he is covering by avoiding.  He looks nasty when he acts out.  He is probably very terrified.  He needs to feel safe at the school, so that the bullying will not happen again.

The brain isn't hard-wired until 24.  He isn't capable of being mature.  He probably looks like he is and he may have lots of insight, but he needs to be sheltered from the crazy high school and friends.  The counsellors keeping him out of class are not showing much judgment. What do you think?

Sorry to go on... .

John McKinnon's books on failure to mature in adolescence may be helpful: An Unchanged Mind and To Change A Mind.  

Just painting a picture... .

Reality

[Reality]

Please understand that I brought up the Parsons case only to contextualize who Debra Pepler is.  Not that I think your son is suicidal.  She says red flag. 

Reality

[Kate4queen]

They can give an IEP for emotional disorders as well as poor academic performance.

My eldest who is an Aspie didn't qualify for an IEP just passed everything.

#2 son with the physical disability and BPD got one in kindergarten

#3 son who had to deal with all the fall out of being the younger brother of the two above was given an IEP for emotional issues and auditory issues=so I wonder if you could push for that? Although it sounds like your school district just doesn't care either way.  (our school district was so high achieving that they were desperate to get any kid who wouldn't score well of their stats)

My son was convinced we were out to 'control' him too. He was also excellent at manipulating the school system to his advantage.

It's hard to know what to do when your kid looks at you and just states what they are going to do , isn't it?

I really admire your calm and composure.

[pessim-optimist]

... .My feeling is that he's always been very bright and learning and taking tests/remembering things always came very easy to him.  At some point, the material began to get more difficult and required him to work a little bit to retain the information, and he would just give up at the slightest difficulty.  In fact, he admitted tonight that if there's something he's trying to learn and he doesn't get it right away, he just gives up.  This means he won't work at it... if he doesn't get it, he's all done with it and won't go back.  It's been an interesting journey with his bicycle racing too... .he enjoys it more so he will get back on if he falls off... but he doesn't push himself most of the time.  The internal motivator is not there...

I think it might be a combination of his high expectations of himself, fear of failure and some laziness as well, resulting in discouragement and low self-esteem. (I don't mention the lazines to put him down - I used to be really lazy at school and in general, as I was bright, and had to build my dilligence later in life   )

Maybe the therapist could come up with some strategies to slow building of confidence & self-esteem through activities that are interesting to your son and mildly challenging, so your son can experience that empowerment that comes from mastering something he did not know he could do, and also slowly build the attitude of perseverance?

[Being Mindful]

Look into an IEP under OHI (Other Health Impairment). An IEP isn't solely based on academic functioning.

[bpdteensmom]

Wow... haven't been here in a bit... things have been a little crazy... we got a new puppy... I've decided taking care of a new puppy is way easier than taking care of a teenager HA!

We've also been doing some good work with our boy.  New therapist is good and cracking the whip on us parents... which has filtered into the family therapist pushing us to set and follow better boundaries too.  So, this week, we made two lists: 1 is his responsibilities, and consequences of not meeting said responsibilities.  The other is how he can earn money/allowance.  Very basic stuff.  The consequences are a three strike system... he hit all three strikes in one day today and then didn't come home.  So, we called the police, and they brought him home within an hour.  Hopefully, it scared/embarrassed him enough.  We shall see.  Thanks for all of your advice!

[Rapt Reader]

... .The consequences are a three strike system... he hit all three strikes in one day today and then didn't come home.  So, we called the police, and they brought him home within an hour.  Hopefully, it scared/embarrassed him enough.  We shall see.  Thanks for all of your advice!

Wow, BPDteensmom! It sounds like you and your husband truly learned what you needed to, and did the right thing... .Good job! Sometimes a "brush with the law" can really change our child's attitude real quick. Keep us up-to-date, would you? I'm impressed with the fact that the therapists' advice was applied so quickly by you guys; sometimes our own impulses as parents can make things hard to do, and we are our own worst enemies! Sounds like you done good 

[bpdteensmom]

Thanks Rapt

It took a LOT of cajoling from therapists to get my husband to agree to call the police.  When we called Friday, it couldn't have been more validating for us that it was the right move.  Previously, he didn't want to bother the police with this as he felt they probably had real police work to do.  The officer on Friday night was great and very helpful/understanding. 

My boy was brought home by this officer, given a stern talking to and the deal is after 3 strikes, it's 4 days no going out with friends and no electronics.  Saturday and Sunday, he abided by these rules.  Today, he went to school and went out with his friends after without calling to say his plans and after cutting class.  3 more strikes, essentially means 4 more days.  We called the police again today, explained he didn't come home and we didn't know where he was (plus we were expecting a severe thunderstorm and he was out who knows where).  The officer came to the house and spoke to my husband as I was trying to get home (left early) from work.  He was not quite as helpful as Fridays and said to my dh... 'I have an 18 year old daughter, she hates me too'... as if we did nothing to prevent this and this was normal.  My dh explained he had mental health issues and was likely smoking weed and the whole thing.  The officer had asked for numbers of my boys friends so they could ping their phones and track them down.  When I got home, I called them to give this info, and the officer told me that he'd spoken to my dh about a CHINS but that my husband wasn't ready to do that yet... and then he told me to call my boys friends myself and that if I found out where he was, they'd go pick him up.  So, as frustrating as this was, I did contact the friend I assumed he was with who told me where to find them.  I called the officer back, to give the info and he told us to go pick him up and 'do some parenting'.  This was the reason my dh didn't want to call them in the first place.  It was very disheartening and frustrating.  By the time my dh did go to pick him up, the boys had left the location they said they were at, and I had to get all 'tough' with his friend and let him know I wasn't messing around and he needed to bring him back.  He did and my dh brought him home.  High of course.

It really sucks. When you have a BPD teen, you work so hard to stop blaming yourself and stop feeling like a terrible parent and like you've done something wrong in raising them... only to have people like this officer and the school turn around and blame you.  Intellectually, I know we aren't to blame... not even biologically... but emotionally, these moments make me feel defeated.  We will stand back up, and stand our ground and yes, we will likely file a CHINS and then it will be a whole new level of drama... and then the state will try to tell us we suck as parents too... but if doing these things helps this child survive in the real world, then I don't see that we have a choice but to continue to educate ourselves and others. 

End rant :-)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

hi BPDteensmum, you must have felt a fair bit downhearted with all that. It is disheartening when we try our best and feel as if those who are supposed to be helpful leave us high and dry. I think we have all felt that in one way or another.

Maybe that officer was having a bad day, maybe another officer would have been better. It's hard to know what to do, what do your therapists say? Any advice from them?

You are right to keep your eye on the ball. Our children need to learn how to survive in the real world and we need to allow them to learn. I am sure your ds knows that his behaviour is not a smart way to live, but needs to find a circuit breaker to get him out of this habitual behaviour.

Vivek 

[lbjnltx]

We called the police again today, explained he didn't come home and we didn't know where he was (plus we were expecting a severe thunderstorm and he was out who knows where).  The officer came to the house and spoke to my husband as I was trying to get home (left early) from work.  He was not quite as helpful as Fridays and said to my dh... 'I have an 18 year old daughter, she hates me too'... as if we did nothing to prevent this and this was normal.  My dh explained he had mental health issues and was likely smoking weed and the whole thing.  The officer had asked for numbers of my boys friends so they could ping their phones and track them down.  When I got home, I called them to give this info, and the officer told me that he'd spoken to my dh about a CHINS but that my husband wasn't ready to do that yet... and then he told me to call my boys friends myself and that if I found out where he was, they'd go pick him up.  So, as frustrating as this was, I did contact the friend I assumed he was with who told me where to find them.  I called the officer back, to give the info and he told us to go pick him up and 'do some parenting'.  This was the reason my dh didn't want to call them in the first place.  It was very disheartening and frustrating.  By the time my dh did go to pick him up, the boys had left the location they said they were at, and I had to get all 'tough' with his friend and let him know I wasn't messing around and he needed to bring him back.  He did and my dh brought him home.  High of course.

I have been down this road and used the authorities as a resource for help many times during crisis situations to hold my d accountable for her illegal actions and threats of illegal actions. 

It seems to me, from my experience, that the officer gave your husband advice to get your son into the system to address the root of the problem rather than keep your family in the current cycle where the police may feel that they are being used as a taxi service.  Would it have been more productive to tell the officer what your plan is to get your son help instead of a CHINS petition.  (I considered a CHINS petition and the limitations it carries and decided against it as well). 

The last time my d was threatening me and herself the deputy (at the station in the presence of a mental health advocate) told us that he could take her juvenile detention and asked if that is the course of action we wanted to take. I told him that our plan is to place her in RTC and that we were actively searching for the right program.  He needed to know that this cycle and use of them as a resource had a long term objective and that we as parents were doing our part.  The deputy issued her a citation and when I had the RTC chosen and the date of her arrival set I took the citation to a judge, explained the situation and he dismissed the ticket.

The short term objective is obvious (safety/obedience within the law/learning from consequences).

What is the long term objective for breaking this cycle with your son and using the authorities as a resource? 

How will a CHINS petition, should you decide to go that route, help reach your objective?

[bpdteensmom]

Thanks guys.  lbj... I really can't answer the question about the CHINS petition and how it will help us meet our goals.  I have to explore what our goals are at this point I guess?  I don't even know anymore.  We just want him to go to school and not make bad choices... or not make every single choice a bad one. 

My dh did try to file one today ironically, but apparently has to go to a specific courthouse... it was kind of a mess.  But now he's been arrested (see my other post) so it looks like he will have some sort of authorities involved anyway.  We will likely still file a CHINS... at least the authorities will be able to help us at that point.  It all feels very hopeless. 

[pessim-optimist]

Hi again BPDteensmom,

You give a fair answer. When we try to help our child and our approach does not work, it is at times puzzling, confusing, and frustrating. As we cannot put our lives on pause to figure things out, we keep trying, and sometimes we don't have a clear picture of what exactly we are aiming for.

It can feel hopeless, when you have tried all you knew, and it has not worked so far. I want to encourage you to take a step back to look at the situation, and make some sense of it. Even writing down what has not helped in the past, what has made things worse can be a road to solutions... .

Also, figuring out the goals in communicating with the authorities gives you a better opportunity to be more effective with them.