adult child of uBPD mother

[sophiegirl]

Hello

I am 47 and only daughter of an older mother, my father left us when I was 2, he just packed and walked, I could never understand why he didn't take me too, he didn't keep in touch as far as I know (in retrospect he probably couldn't face such a major confrontation). growing up I had a wonderful caregiver (aunt) who sadly died when I was 9, also a guardian should anything happen to mother. I have no happy memories of my mother she was clingy, spiteful, insulting, blamed me for my father leaving, called me names and totally uninterested in me and of course I was never good enough. Despite this I always protected her and hid what she was like from friends. As a teenager I rebelled and we would scream abuse at each other resulting in her tears and me slamming my bedroom door she would tell me I was an embarassment to her family and if I wanted to do x,y or z I would have to leave home. I left home for uni at 18 and we wrote to each other which worked well, phonecalls were short and happy.

For the next 5 years work and study moved me around the country and we kept in touch by phone and letter, all amicably. Then I returned home and within a short period of time she reverted back into the abusive victim with me as arch enemy no.1. I moved out but was working close to home and she would visit me at work and try and humiliate me in front of other employees. During this time I was a keen distance runner, working out conflicts in my head whilst pushing my body to the max always seem to help and calm me back down. When I was 27 my boyfriend wanted to get married. my mother had met the guy and his parents and thought they were all wonderful. My bf wanted assurance we had no hidden secrets so that we could start married life in honesty. I was horrified! My whole life was based on lying to my mother so as not to hurt her feelings, hiding what she was like to the rest of the world and secrecy.  I started to tell him but fell ill with CFS instead.  He offered to marry me anyway and we'd live with his parents who'd take care of me but instead of gratitude I felt trapped, panicked and called it all off. 6 years later  I moved far away and my health improved so much I ran a marathon.

A few years later I left the country, got married and had 2 kids. Contact with mother continued as phonecall and letters until 5 years ago she announced by phone she was coming to live with us. The deal being she could and she would live next door. She was full of enthusiasm and silly me thought she'd changed. But of course she hasn't. she still throws abuse at me, calls me fat legs, calls up the health board to report me for neglect. etc etc. Now I do view what she says with a bit of humour and often retort with a laugh as the accusations are so ludicrous. Some days when she's on a roll I don't visit her or ring her even though she's next door. After a few days she'll come round as if nothings happened. I have just read stop walking on eggshells. Wish I could have read it years  ago. a short version of a long story - thanks for reading

[cska]

Dear Sohphie 

I'm so sorry to hear about your strained relationship with your mother. Yes, BPD is a very confusing disorder, and it causes a lot of pain and hardship to everyone involved.

You've come to the right place! Here you'll find a lot of tools about how to improve your relationship with your mother, and you'll be able to talk to people who are in similar situations.

You're not alone! Its good to have you with us!

Here is a good introduction video about how to reduce conflict with a person with BPD (pwBPD)

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

Is your mother currently in therapy? How are you dealing with her abusive behaviors?

[cska]

Sophie,

Here are two more articles that I think you might find useful:

How to Forgive an Abusive Parent

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

[sophiegirl]

Hi and thanks for your reply.

No my mother will deny there is anything wrong with her. If I raise the subject of her getting help it creates a major flare up. I have spoken to her Dr who is sympathetic but said unless my mother asks for help they can do nothing. She was once on Prozac which really made a huge difference - only time I've ever seen her happy, but took herself off it. We managed to get in place a caregiver who visits her twice a week which has been a great help. She had started ringing the emergency services for help and ending up in hospital for tests usually just when I was planning to do something with my kids. Last year she refused to come to her grandchildrens birthday, we are only next door. But she threw a tantrum - I call her my third child!

[sophiegirl]

sorry, since she has moved in 5 years I just withdraw once she abuse starts as I don't trust myself not to blow, she knows which buttons to press! Since reading Randi's book I am trying the stating facts only method which so far has not caused any conflict. Will read your other suggestions.