General email question

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

DH is pretty good about only emailing when it is necessary to communicate with his BPD ex.  Fortunately, she rarely, if ever initiates.  However, when he does, she sees it as a chance to get on the train and talk about things with the kids from the past. 

For instance, he recently emailed her just to let her know about DSS's competition this weekend (on her time).  She emailed back griping at him for taking him out of one extracurricular activity and putting him in a different one, then griped about not putting DSD into an extracurricular activity last summer when he had her, etc.  He responded to her email by letting her know factually and briefly his rationale for each decision.

Then she writes back in her melodramatic fashion about how the kids were "shattered" with his decisions, how their teen son was crying, etc. (they were not shattered... .she just loves to make mountains out of molehills).  DH is not going to respond at this point because there would be no point.

BUT I could see if he did respond to her concerns once again, how this could go back and forth indefinitely.  So yes, this email was supposedly about the kids, but really, it wasn't.

Do you even bother giving your rationales for your decisions as a parent?  Maybe he should not have even done that.  I would think in a typical coparenting situation, this would be completely reasonable, but this is, by far, not a typical "coparenting" situation (they do tend to operate in a parallel fashion).

[sanemom]

DH is pretty good about only emailing when it is necessary to communicate with his BPD ex.  Fortunately, she rarely, if ever initiates.  However, when he does, she sees it as a chance to get on the train and talk about things with the kids from the past. 

For instance, he recently emailed her just to let her know about DSS's competition this weekend (on her time).  She emailed back griping at him for taking him out of one extracurricular activity and putting him in a different one, then griped about not putting DSD into an extracurricular activity last summer when he had her, etc.  He responded to her email by letting her know factually and briefly his rationale for each decision.

Then she writes back in her melodramatic fashion about how the kids were "shattered" with his decisions, how their teen son was crying, etc. (they were not shattered... .she just loves to make mountains out of molehills).  DH is not going to respond at this point because there would be no point.

BUT I could see if he did respond to her concerns once again, how this could go back and forth indefinitely.  So yes, this email was supposedly about the kids, but really, it wasn't.

Do you even bother giving your rationales for your decisions as a parent?  Maybe he should not have even done that.  I would think in a typical coparenting situation, this would be completely reasonable, but this is, by far, not a typical "coparenting" situation (they do tend to operate in a parallel fashion).

[david]

Negative engagement is still engagement. That piece of adivice is the best advice I have been given. IT takes a while to sink in to it's complete meaning and it took me trying to rationally explain my reasoning, defending myself from false allegations, correcting outright lies by ex, etc... and then  I started to understand. I have noticed the less I engage the less gets thrown at me. It ebbs and flows now but still getting less and less until something stresses her.

[sanemom]

Negative engagement is still engagement. That piece of adivice is the best advice I have been given. IT takes a while to sink in to it's complete meaning and it took me trying to rationally explain my reasoning, defending myself from false allegations, correcting outright lies by ex, etc... and then  I started to understand. I have noticed the less I engage the less gets thrown at me. It ebbs and flows now but still getting less and less until something stresses her.

Yeah... .that sounds right.  Fortunately, like I said, this is rare that she emails at all, perhaps because he rarely engages unless he feels it is necessary.  He forwarded her last melodramatic response to his attorney and told the attorney, "FYI, I am not going to respond" to which his attorney replied, "I certainly wouldn't." 

Yes, there are more false allegations, but really, there is no point defending them.  I guess it is like the kid who keeps misbehaving because negative attention is better than no attention at all.

[DreamGirl]

My husband doesn't respond to the "white noise". She's entitled to her feelings and thoughts. He's never going to change her mind - so why try?

He actually responds a lot with "sorry you feel that way" or "okay".  

On the Staying Board - it's recommended not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  

It won't help matters.

Here's an interesting thread that might help you understand this concept: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.msg1364213

One posters explanation that made so much sense to me:

J... .Why justify my actions or opinions when my w is so insecure that she feels this invalidates hers - even when I do validate them.

A... .Why argue if she feels attacked - she can't accept the concept of attacking the problem rather than the person, so when she feels attacked personally, she understandably attacks back and becomes very disregulated.

D... .Defending my position makes her feel further invalidated, no matter how much credence I give her views, beliefs or feelings.

E... .Hey, a person who has to explain, argue, justify and defend themselves must have something to hide, or is just being manipulative, invalidating, controlling, abusive, mean etc. - this can be the thinking of a very insecure person, BPD or not.

[sanemom]

My husband doesn't respond to the "white noise". She's entitled to her feelings and thoughts. He's never going to change her mind - so why try?

He actually responds a lot with "sorry you feel that way" or "okay".  

On the Staying Board - it's recommended not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  

It won't help matters.

Here's an interesting thread that might help you understand this concept: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.msg1364213

One posters explanation that made so much sense to me:

J... .Why justify my actions or opinions when my w is so insecure that she feels this invalidates hers - even when I do validate them.

A... .Why argue if she feels attacked - she can't accept the concept of attacking the problem rather than the person, so when she feels attacked personally, she understandably attacks back and becomes very disregulated.

D... .Defending my position makes her feel further invalidated, no matter how much credence I give her views, beliefs or feelings.

E... .Hey, a person who has to explain, argue, justify and defend themselves must have something to hide, or is just being manipulative, invalidating, controlling, abusive, mean etc. - this can be the thinking of a very insecure person, BPD or not.

Thanks, DG... .that makes a lot of sense.  I still am going back and forth on DH's decision to explain--just because it is a parenting thing.  But what is done is done so I am asking more theoretically there.  I mean, he basically said, ":)SS's activity one conflicted with activity two, and DSS preferred activity 2 so that is what I put him in."  Nothing defensive or emotional.  Perhaps you could say he was justifying, but at the same time, as a mom I WOULD WANT TO KNOW if my ex-h did something similar.