Stuck in rumination

[DeRetour]

Guys, I'm beginning to think there is no end to this rumination mode. Just as I think my mind is back on track, I realize the ache is there. Oh it's there... .

I’m really feeling hopeless. Crying several times a day and sleeping with a light on. My self-esteem is pretty much nothing. It’s hard for me to even leave home. Once I’m away, I function for minutes at a time at most. Getting stuff done is really difficult. Then my thoughts keep coming back to the same hurt.

I keep thinking of the sh!tty things I tolerated from her, the lies, the many secrets, keeping her phone locked, hiding our relationship status for the first few months, ughhh. I just hate that I feel so completely worthless. I just want it all to end.

Why was I never enough? When will I ever be enough? Am I just completely damaged when it comes to women? I seriously just want to hide or be gone. I can remember of moments when I could look at myself and say, “You’re a good-looking guy, intelligent, funny, caring, blah blah... I’m realizing that I can barely relate to anyone as soon as I step out of the house. Especially after this relationship, things just haven’t seemed real – don’t know how else to describe it.

I see so many couples out there and it just aches. I hate that I have this kind of resentment/jealousy, but I have to be honest. Will it ever come? Will I ever have a loyal, committed life partner of my own? Someone who will claim me and proudly hang onto me and cherish me? I know I’m not saying anything new and I apologize for it. I just have to get it out that I’m really hurting.


I respect the idea that people should feel complete on their own, but that's just so scary. How do you even begin to feel "enough" on your own? How do you not get completely eaten away by the loneliness?

[Surnia]

Deretour

So sorry to hear all this, sounds like you are really spiraling down. 

Take a deep deep breath - you are feeling worthless and not enough. This means not you are worthless. You are enough in each moment of your life.

Many of us here are dealing with low self-esteem and the little nasty voices telling we are not enough.

Do you know Brene Brown? She has terrific TED Talks. Perhaps this could be a little helper. (You have to google it, I am at work and a bit short with time).

Second Thing: Keep your body moving, a bit walking, exercicing could be helpful too.

And speak with your T about it.

Please keep in touch. 

[snappafcw]

DeRetour thank you for this post as I guess even though I don't want my ex girlfriend back this is the question I am asking myself as well... .

Everyone on these boards says be kind to yourself and I think part of that is realising these situations take a lot longer to heal from than expected so please don't beat yourself up. Fair enough we may have some Co dependant tendencies to deal with... .However we still gave as much as we could out of love or the very least out of the fact we genuinely cared only to be repaid by selfishness... .

Try and look at it from the outside I hope you can see the issue isn't you.

Godbless.

[Reg]

DeRetour,

I'm very sorry to hear about this.

You're a bit stuck in this situation.  And just as the relationship with someone with BPD is a vicuous circle which has to be broken, you will have to break this one as well.  And cou can !

Getting out of the house, listening to uplifting music, seeing friends, it sometimes all sounds so easy, but it isn't.  I know.

But it helps a lot !

You go out of the house and you feel bad after a while.  And you go back sitting at home.  You k,now as well as I do, that is not the solution.

You need to confront yourself with that.  Get out of the house.  Feel bad ? You are not doing the right things.  Sorry to say that.

You did a lot for your BPD ex.  Now it is time to do a lot for yourself.

You like movies ? Go and see one, no romantic stuff, make certain you have a good laugh, or see some great action, if possible with friends or family.  What kind of movies do you like BTW ?

You like music ? What kind of music do you like ?

Do you want to feel pysically better ?  Is there need for that ?

It may sound a bit silly, but hang some small posters in your house in the more private parts.  Remind yourself of what you said. I'm good looking - I'm an intelligent person - I'm a funny guy, whatever you need to remind yourself about that is positive.

Also remind yourself about what snappafcw said, the problem isn't you, it even isn't her, it is the borderline !

There are a lot of the TED talks Surnia talked about on you tube as well BTW !

Reg

[MessedWith]

Hi DeRetour,  I so relate to what you are feeling, all that self worth hammering you've taken can beat you down and wondering what's wrong with you when it feels like you will never get the kind of love other people have.

Remember that BPD is a very special kind of torture on partners and you have been drained of your personal power and when you are made so vulnerable its easy to blame yourself and wonder what is lacking in you.

I am 17 months out since exBPD walked, and all that stuff is how I've felt, and still do at times.  But it passes the more effort you make to mend, while accepting how it is now, and that it might take a while to come good.  

Loneliness is a hard one to deal with, and the advice above about getting out and doing stuff is so right.

But also acceptance is important.  Accepting you will feel lonely for a while and getting on with your life anyway helps, because it takes a LOT of luck to find the right person, and therefore it could take a lot of time. So in the meantime, keep focussing on other areas of life because not everything is about love.

And yes, when you are raw and hurt and lonely, and your thoughts are on a repeat track its very difficult to focus on other things for more than short bursts.  So accept that too, and just keep trying anyway.  It gets better and easier with time.  You will have some set backs where you think you are not making progress and going backwards.  Accept that too, and keep trying anyway.  I am doing that right now.  

I just had a set back and lost the last 4 days of my life, wasted on ruminating and drifting off into the la-la land of love memories that I have of my BPDex.   Nevertheless, back on the horse.  It is getting easier with practice.  

Also. when seeing couples looking happy and blessed in their relationship, remember that what you are seeing and making assumptions about can be quite different to what is going on behind closed doors in private.  You should know that from your own experiences.  So instead, picture them going home and having an argument and getting sick of having to do what the other person wants, and putting up with annoying habits, and wishing they were single again.  That is most couples reality regardless of the ideal we imagine they are enjoying.

Definitely avoid like the plague romantic movies, novels, sentimental songs, things that are designed to pull the heart strings will intensify the pain and rumination. You need time to get to a better place before  exposing yourself to those emotion manipulators. 

I have cried many tears too, watched DVDs all night to distract my ruminations, and stayed with friends overnight on their couch a few times to help me get through the occasional crisis of loneliness.  It helps, and it takes time, so don't despair.

[snappafcw]

Thanks for sharing your journey Messedwith... .Im glad things are better and I'm sorry you still have a setback from time to time. At least that is normal though and I feel a little less crazy

[mitchell16]

DeRetour, I really feel for you. I fully understand because thats where im at right now. I wish I could just shut my mind off but for some reason I cant. I have never expreienced a break up like this in my life. I have had many over the years and never never was it anything like this.

I dont know if you call this a recycle attempt, booty call or just to soothe her feelings but last week mine got me to finally respond which led to her spending two nights with me and which at the end she said She was still in love with me and she left on vacation and I havent heard from her since. This came after about 2 months of me maintaining NC, avoiding her and I would like to say i made alot of progress but I didnt in the two months but I had made some advances very little but a few. Kknow Im right back where i started all over again. and it is terrible.

[Ironmanrises]

Guys, I'm beginning to think there is no end to this rumination mode. Just as I think my mind is back on track, I realize the ache is there. Oh it's there... .

I’m really feeling hopeless. Crying several times a day and sleeping with a light on. My self-esteem is pretty much nothing. It’s hard for me to even leave home. Once I’m away, I function for minutes at a time at most. Getting stuff done is really difficult. Then my thoughts keep coming back to the same hurt.

I keep thinking of the sh!tty things I tolerated from her, the lies, the many secrets, keeping her phone locked, hiding our relationship status for the first few months, ughhh. I just hate that I feel so completely worthless. I just want it all to end.

Why was I never enough? When will I ever be enough? Am I just completely damaged when it comes to women? I seriously just want to hide or be gone. I can remember of moments when I could look at myself and say, “You’re a good-looking guy, intelligent, funny, caring, blah blah... I’m realizing that I can barely relate to anyone as soon as I step out of the house. Especially after this relationship, things just haven’t seemed real – don’t know how else to describe it.

I see so many couples out there and it just aches. I hate that I have this kind of resentment/jealousy, but I have to be honest. Will it ever come? Will I ever have a loyal, committed life partner of my own? Someone who will claim me and proudly hang onto me and cherish me? I know I’m not saying anything new and I apologize for it. I just have to get it out that I’m really hurting.


I respect the idea that people should feel complete on their own, but that's just so scary. How do you even begin to feel "enough" on your own? How do you not get completely eaten away by the loneliness?

That.

In bold.

I know how you feel.

Almost all of my threads are me ruminating.

Keep venting.

I still ruminate... .But it has subsided a bit.

I listen to peaceful music to try and still my thoughts.

The pain still washes over me.

But i try and maintain my equilibrium nonetheless.

It is not easy by any stretch.

I remind myself that i do not want to find myself in the same exact predicament again.

2 rounds of devaluation.

Was 2 rounds too many for me.

Hang in there.

[Hazelrah]

DeRetour,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling.  Realize that this is perfectly normal and many of us are struggling in much the same way.  No apologies are necessary.

You have already received some good advice above... .forcing yourself to get out, getting exercise, etc.  From what I remember, you recently started seeing a T, so what I might add is discussing a specific target therapy with them, such as CBT, ACT, even DBT, which isn't just for borderlines.  The practice of mindfullness is an important part of many of the 'third wave' of behavioral therapies rolled out in the last 25 years or so.  It is a tool that takes some time to learn (I'm still in the early stages of practicing it), but it can help lesson some of the ruminations and anxiety that we all deal with in the aftermath of our BPD break-ups.  I've found that it helps me focus on the present moment, at least for a little while, and at least gives me the occasional reprieve from obsessing over the past (or the future, for that matter).  It also has served to help me focus in on conversations with people at work, friends, or family, which is something I'm finding more rewarding as I practice it more and more.  It might not be for everyone, but it has helped me heal just a hair to this point in time. 

I often find myself right back where you are... .3-4 days of each week seem to be especially rough, but it's an improvement from the 24/7 misery I was experiencing up until a few weeks ago.  With the right concerted efforts, you will get through this... .we all will.   

[SeekerofTruth]

D and others:

Wow.  Ruminations.  Up until the last 2 weeks, 2-3 days in particular, I had been rumination free for months.  Coming back to this site, doesn't necessarily help reduce my ruminations but tends to feed or even speed em up.  But yeah, so many of share this "occupation of our mental space" in the form of rumination, after some event (however subtle or gross) goes down.  I just realized how my mind has sorta left me, as ruminations again take hold.  So how to shake free... .

well, on this site under TOOLS: Rumination, there are some suggestions on how to deal with this very real problem (think of the time wasted).  You can find the link by just typing in "rumination" in the search box located above. 

urg.  got me again!  Now i have to deal with what's inside my head all over again and attempt to address the monkey mind, and ask the monkey to please let go of the bait

[heartandwhole]

DeRetour,

I'm so sorry that you are hurting.    As you can see by the replies, so many of us understand.  We've all been there, so reaching out to us is a great thing to do when you feel low.  I know it doesn't feel like it now, but this hurt will pass.  Feeling that loneliness and not-good-enoughness is actually a big step toward recovery.  

It's like, finally, we hear our hearts crying out for some TLC.  In the center of that sadness is a kernel of sweetness and compassion - for ourselves.  

Can you find it?   

[KE151]

Hi DeRetour,

I'm recovering from my BPD R/S no 2, and I'm living proof that things do get better. It takes time. That's it. Spoil yourself with little stuff you enjoy. And don't drink too much, do any drugs or get seriously involved in a new r/s to soothe.

You are clearly a genuine, sensitive, good person just like most people here. You hurt now but as the cliche says: you'll come out of this an even more genuine, more sensitive and a better person than you ever imagined. Seen the Matrix trilogy? After all the struggle and disbelief in himself Neo suddenly breaks through. He starts to see the Matrix everywhere around him. He sees the code in everything, and everything finally makes sense. The rumination will be followed by a revelation. You'll get there someday. Hang in there friend.

[musicfan42]

How long have you been feeling this way DeRetour? I know it's only normal to feel hurt after a relationship doesn't work out however if it continues much longer, then I would say maybe visit your doctor for some extra support. It's great that you're posting here-keep posting whenever you feel like it. Getting support can be really helpful in dealing with challenging situations

[confusedhubby]

Hi DeRetour.

Sorry to hear about what your going through. Many of us here on this site can relate to what your going through.

Over time you will heal. Take one day at a time.

[Surnia]

  Deretour

Are you okay?

[DeRetour]

Surnia,

Thank you so much for checking in. I am better today. I had quite the meltdown. But yes, I'm better. You suggested googling Brene Brown's TED talk. I did just that. Let me just say that this was great to watch. Insightful. Timely advice. She's a good speaker as well. I ended up watching two of her lectures. Thank you so much for that, Surnia.

deretour

[DeRetour]

Guys,

It really meant a lot to me to read all of these words of experience, wisdom, and hope. Man, I really needed that. Looks like I had a momentary lapse of feeling really, really low. Also, it was an awareness of chronic core issues. I guess this is what’s meant when we talk about how BPD relationships bring core issues to the surface. Today was better. I had a little lapse and I’m back up.

Snapp -

thank you for this post as I guess even though I don't want my ex girlfriend back this is the question I am asking myself as well... .

Well, put. Confusing, isn't it? I have moments when I miss holding her. But then thinking about it, I’m aware of the anxiety, increase in heart rate, and insecurity that all accompanied having her in my life. The trick now is getting her out of my head and nervous system... with time I suppose.

Everyone on these boards says be kind to yourself and I think part of that is realising these situations take a lot longer to heal from than expected so please don't beat yourself up. Fair enough we may have some Co dependant tendencies to deal with... .However we still gave as much as we could out of love or the very least out of the fact we genuinely cared only to be repaid by selfishness... .

True. I have expressed this same sentiment to others of us at different times. Guess I need to remember this too. And yes, you’re so right on this – we cared. We did everything we could for our partners. It’s important to remember that the real issue is the disorder. Thanks so much, Snap.

Reg –

You did a lot for your BPD ex.  Now it is time to do a lot for yourself.

Thanks for helping me remember. I treated her like a princess. Beyond that, I did all I could to be her skin. She called me her "rock", her "heart". But yes, I have begun to start working on myself. I love music, but sometimes I just get so down I can’t listen to anything. But I made sure to take my ipod with me today. Guilt and shame seem to stand in the way of taking time to do things for myself. That said, I treated myself to a good, healthy dinner tonight. This is where it might be helpful to just feel it and do it anyway. One day at a time, right? Thank you for your encouraging words and suggestions. Time to break out of this cycle.

Messedwith-

Thank you for that little reminder that sometimes you just need to accept the emotions as they come.

Definitely avoid like the plague romantic movies, novels, sentimental songs, things that are designed to pull the heart strings will intensify the pain and rumination. You need time to get to a better place before  exposing yourself to those emotion manipulators.

And, hahaha…GUITLY. It’s not such a good idea to subject ourselves to those movies/videos/songs that remind us of our BPD exes.

You brought up a good point about hanging up positive things. There’s certainly nothing negative about the interior of my place, haha, but perhaps it’s time to start adding some additional things to encourage positive thinking. Perhaps it will simply be images. Good thought there Messedwith.

Also remind yourself about what snappafcw said, the problem isn't you, it even isn't her, it is the borderline.

The more times I hear this, the more I can get integrate this into my nervous system.

Thank you so much for such helpful thoughts and advice!

[DeRetour]

Mitchell,

I’m so sorry that you had had a recent setback with your BPD ex. Mine has been trying to pull me back in, yet again. And, at this point, I’m really beginning to think it’s time to either get a number blocker app, or just change my number completely. Changing my number would be a bit of a hassle, but considering the emotional price of reading her texts, it might be time to move forward with this. I can’t wait around for permission to be kind to myself anymore. With that in mind…Mitchell, be kind and patient with yourself. Take good care!

and... .Ironman,

Thanks for saying it’s okay to ruminate. I guess that’s one of the ways we deal with this. Yes, the stuff you put in bold – when I think about that stuff tonight, I know that this is exactly why I DON’T want her back. Eeegh. Thinking about all the anxiety from the perpetual uncertainty in our relationship – that just doesn’t sit well in my stomach. My heart rate goes up and I swear my blood pressure seems to rise. Toxic.

Good to hear from you. And yes, listening to music is definitely helping. It’s funny how my way of coping with extreme stress was often to AVOID music. But I made sure I took my ipod with me. I ran those batteries down. Thanks Ironman.

Hazelrah,

No apologies are necessary.

Haha. It’s the old guilt stuff. Thanks for that.

From what I remember, you recently started seeing a T, so what I might add is discussing a specific target therapy with them, such as CBT, ACT, even DBT, which isn't just for borderlines.

I appreciate that you took note of that, Hazelrah. I did start seeing a T. My psychiatrist had suggested I look into CBT for my anxiety. But I decided it was more important to focus on this BPD relationship healing first. That said, I’m actually at least as interested in DBT, since it would be quite relevant. I’m sorry that you still deal with some moments. I think for me, I ruminate all the time, but…the extreme low moods are not all the time. Yesterday was really bad and I couldn’t see too far beyond it, but today was better. Thank you for your encouragement.

[Surnia]

  DeRetour

I am better today. I had quite the meltdown. But yes, I'm better. You suggested googling Brene Brown's TED talk. I did just that. Let me just say that this was great to watch. Insightful. Timely advice.

Great you are better. And cool you found her talks helpful. 

[DeRetour]

SeekerofTruth,

I’m so sorry you had had a case of ruminating thoughts as well. It really sucks. But yes, you know I started to read that article on Rumination, but got distracted and…maybe I just need to read it again. Good thought. And yes, I’m very familiar with what you mean by “monkey mind”! Hang in there Seeker

and KE151,

I'm recovering from my BPD R/S no 2, and I'm living proof that things do get better. It takes time. That's it. Spoil yourself with little stuff you enjoy. And don't drink too much, do any drugs or get seriously involved in a new r/s to soothe.

Thanks for this reminder.

You are clearly a genuine, sensitive, good person just like most people here.

This is hard to accept in myself. Coming out of this kind of relationship really throws some doubts. I made the mistake of reading my ex’s begging and pleading texts. But this all comes with the disorder and that’s the important thing to remember. Thank you, KE151.

Musicfan,

The extreme lows seemed to come with the 14-month relationship. The breakup was a little over 6 weeks ago. Since I've really begun to process this stuff, I've had lows like this on and off. The ruminating thoughts have been here since the breakup. I started seeing a T and I've seen a psychiatrist to address anxiety stuff. So I'm working on this. Thanks for your concern.

and... .Confusedhubby,

Take one day at a time.

This is wonderfully simple advice. One day at a time. You take good care as well.

[DeRetour]

Heartandwhole,

Thank you for that well-needed hug. Yes, I’m working on accepting where I am emotionally. It can be quite scary at moments. Posting is definitely helping.

Feeling that loneliness and not-good-enoughness is actually a big step toward recovery.

 

And this is probably where accepting and “hanging out” with the moods is key. It’s a matter of finding some ways to self-soothe. And there’s lots of great advice here on that.

In the center of that sadness is a kernel of sweetness and compassion - for ourselves. 

Can you find it?

Haha. Reading that brings tears – not so much of sadness, but more of recognition, of identifying what’s been there. Thank you for that.

-deretour

[fiddlestix]

Most of us here have suffered from some sort of physical ailment.  Perhaps a cold, flu, strep throat, ear infection... .maybe something far worse like cancer.  Our bodies are filled with toxins from the illness.  We take antibiotics (or some other medications) and we wait for the medicine to slowly do its work: cleansing our bloodstreams of the toxins.  Bit by bit we feel better.  There is no "magic" involved.  Time, medication, patience, healthy behavior... .will most likely bring about wellness. 

The toxins that fill our heart, mind and soul after a brutal relationship and breakup with a BPD lover will cause great illness.  My system is flooded with poison after 25 years with my diagnosed BPD ex wife.  We went through every stage of the disorder many times (I am not so bright ).  Idealization, devalue, discard, recycle, idealization, devalue, discard, recycle... .At this point I cannot say if I even still love her;  maybe I never did?  Maybe I was using her to try and repair childhood wounds in myself?  God only knows... .   Yet, I pine for her sexually, and I miss the laughs and interests and inside jokes we shared.  I miss being the "one" whom she decided to marry.  She had been with dozens of boys and men before we dated (I have actually known her for 34 years).  I was proud that after she had been with so many men, she chose me.  But, 14 years into our marriage she began sneaking, lying, cheating... .  Over the next ten years she cheated, off and on, with dozens more, while insisting that she is "sick" but still wants to be married... . 

Anyway, suffice it to say I am full of the poison of low self esteem, anger, jealousy, rage, sadness, loneliness, sexual longing, vengeance, ill-will, confusion, regret... .I ruminate too much.  I have met a lovely, kind, healthy woman.  We spend time together.  But I am not ready for anything deep; there are no fireworks.  I am still too ill and obsessed with my ex.  My saintly new friend understands, may God bless her! 

Anyway, I Am GETTING BETTER!  The "medicine" is doing its job.  Here is my advice on how to get rid of the toxin; here is my prescribed "antibiotic" for the nasty infection of a dead BPD relationship:

NO CONTACT-every minute you are removed from the source of your pain the closer healing will come.

EXERCISE-physical activity produces a natural high, and builds self esteem as your body begins to transform.

GET OUTSIDE-breath fresh air, big lungfuls. Feel the ancient sun on your face.  The sun was there long before your problems with that BPD person... .and the sun will abide far beyond your time on earth.  Connect to it. 

LAUGH-watch funny shows and movies, be silly.

PRAY-READ HOLY WORDS-however you do it is fine.  Psalm 57:1-3 has helped me a lot.

GET A GOOD THERAPIST-to help you with the core damage that draws you to a mesmerizing, yet abusive person

EAT DELICIOUS FOODS, GAZE AT SCENERY, GET A MASSAGE, SIT IN A HOT TUB... .-pamper your senses. It helps bring the color back into your life

TRUST that you are now better off. You really are. The abuse and betrayal that no one deserves is not in your life anymore.  Only the memories of it remain.  The pain you are feeling is a NORMAL part of the healing that is going on.  If you didn't feel remorse that would be a bad sign.

Let this medicine work its way through your system.  It may take a year or more.  Nobody is timing you.  You are living for yourself now.  You will be ok.  Trust the words of this moderately wise soul who foolishly spent far too many years in a sick situation.  And know that I, and many others on this forum understand and feel compassion for all of you who suffer.  I hope this has helped at least one person have a better day

Fiddlestix

[SeekerofTruth]

Thank you Fiddle.  Thank you. Close to home and close to the bone.  Good luck to you in shaking it off!

[DeRetour]

And yes, Fiddlestix,

Thank you for those words of advice. I appreciate your BPD relationship antibiotic. That metaphor was perfect timing for me, actually, just getting over a flu. Good advice there.

deretour