N/C for a month, sends texts like we never missed a beat?

[frustrated b/f]

I have been purposely trying to distance myself from my uBPD g/f for over a month.

After a missed call from her yesterday, she text the next day asking, "You're not talking to me?" She then asks for my mothers address to visit with her when she travels to my home state. Then explains she's been waiting patiently for me to get over whatever I'm on.

Unfortunately, we've broken up several times (always me trying to leave), however I keep circling back once enough time has lapsed that I start to forget all the bad, and remember only remember the good times we shared, that coupled with feeling alone has caused many recycles

Part of me feels the need to explain to her WHY I feel the way I do, however, I know it will not matter, because she won't hear it.

Any input on staying steadfast?

[snappafcw]

She is after her needs and validation to be filled and thats it. My ex was No contact for almost that long maybe a little longer then all of a sudden she phoned up... .I was like I'm very surprised you would call and she said "why" like it was nothing out of the ordinary... .

They just don't get it they can't think outside their own bubble.

[Scout99]

Input on staying steadfast is just stay the course... .

If you want and feel it is best for you to remain in NC with her, then it is what you should do.

You have no obligation to explain yourself, and judging from what you write you probably already have on a number of occasions, and she has not been able to hear it... .And then there really is no point in trying, if you ask me... .

My immediate question when I read your post was; why does she want to visit with your mother? How do you feel about that? And how does your mother see that?

Or is she maybe just using that as an excuse to try to engage you in conversation with her?

Often when old exe's want to re connect like that, they usually want something, perhaps to recycle the r/s. Or just feel lonely or in need for validation and attention... .And asking about your mother may be a way to contact you without feeling rejected if you choose not to respond so to speak, compared to contacting and saying what she really wants... .

However, she may just want to get your mothers contact info too... .But then back to my initial question... .How do you feel about that?

Best Wishes

Scout99

[frustrated b/f]

Thanks for the input Snappa & Scout.

To answer the question, I felt very annoyed at her wanting to contact my mother. In fact I had to consciously refrain from immediately asking "why," which is what I think she wanted. I didn't' take the bait and didn't respond.

My mother knows about our issues and the BPD suspicions, and while my mom probably wouldn't reject her, she would be skeptical and highly analytical. Mom is a Therapist by trade.

I have a feeling she may genuinely want to talk to my mom for therapeutic reasons, however the realist in me knows it's just a ploy.

I find myself feeling bad for her at times. Her mother has recently entered hospice, however in the five years of dating, I've never met her mother. She has lots of brothers and sisters but has painted most of them black and refuses to talk to them, so part of me feels like she's reaping what she sowed.

All I want is contentment and to finally begin the life I have always envisioned for myself. I need to get passed this dead-end relationship trap.

[Scout99]

All I want is contentment and to finally begin the life I have always envisioned for myself. I need to get passed this dead-end relationship trap.

Good for you frustrated b/f! That's clear as sunshine and a very good measure of the fact that you are getting somewhere with your own healing process and holding on to boundaries! I think that pretty much is the answer you are seeking... .

If I were you I would talk to my mother, and ask her to help me in keeping the NC, and not adding to either your temptation or your wounds by engaging in fraternizing with your ex girlfriend... .(But that is just me... .).

Therapist or no therapist, to you she is your mother, and her focus should be your well being and not your ex girlfriends... .regardless of her perhaps interest in communicating with a borderline... .There are probably several educated colleges she could refer your ex gf to if she want counseling... .To do any therapy with your ex gf would also be highly unprofessional, since she is your mother... .

Do you think your mother would understand you if you asked her not to do this?

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Clearmind]

Then explains she's been waiting patiently for me to get over whatever I'm on.

This is pretty key frustrated.

I guess in a healthy (healthier) relationship both parties volunteer their indiscretions openly to encourage trust, respect and admiration (all key ingredients to a long last relationship) and both work for the betterment of the relationship.

If it were me and my partner said "I'm waiting Clearmind for you to get over whatever you are on" - I would be steadfastly looking after myself and recognize very quickly this is not a relationship that will lead to any mutual understand and respect! It is purely one sided and that line proves it. Listen to what is said, look out for the actions and decide for yourself the reason why you want to engage.

Reminding yourself that recycling takes two not one! She is not doing anything wrong - she is doing what she knows.

Does this sound like a healthy relationship to you - based on your definition?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey frustrated, I suggest that you take your mother out of the picture, as I suspect your BPDgf will attempt to use your mother in some effort to manipulate your emotions.  Don't give her your mother's contact info, and/or tell your mother not to respond if your BPDex tries to contact her.  Those with BPD are expert manipulators and, in my view, your BPDex will use any strategy she can to reel you back into the BPD soup.

Look how much time you have already spent on on this issue!  Do you really want this negative energy in your life?  Maybe its time to move on and get on with your life.

Hang in there,

Lucky Jim

[frustrated b/f]

Thanks guys.

I think I'm going to inform my mom not to engage her. I'm realizing now that the only thing that will help me get my life back on track is distance and time.

[seeking balance]

I'm realizing now that the only thing that will help me get my life back on track is distance and time.

If you have come to realize this so quickly - good for you!

[frustrated b/f]

I'm realizing now that the only thing that will help me get my life back on track is distance and time.

If you have come to realize this so quickly - good for you!

Thanks, however it's much easier typed than actually done,

[Clearmind]

Great start though frustrated. Acknowledging what you need to do is the first step.