If im Co-Dependant should I apologize?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I had a rough week last week but I honestly feel I am starting to get back on track with my healing and living life again... . I have been reading a lot on these boards lately about Co-Dependency and its pretty obvious I am also one of them. I feel shame about my behaviors... . Do i genuinely care about people yes but then i realise there is a motive in feeling good about yourself by helping others and I didn't realise It was such a bad thing. This was just all I have known and I'm feeling a great amount of shame and guilt now realising just how flawed I am afterall. BPD or not My exuBPDgf probably genuinely got sick of me. No one wants to be around a co dependant. I can't take away the lousy things My ex did like all the lies and the possible cheating etc but I now honestly don't know how much of it is attributed to my behavior. Although my heart was always in the right place when i have her money, gifts and paid for her haircuts etc she must of also found that to me controlling or manipulative even though I never meant to be.


I can't even begin to explain how much guilt I feel for this now. I don't even know if I should apologize to her or not for playing my part in this (when we were together I would apologize if i did wrong but I would also get overemotional at times if I felt a lack of appreciation from her, very co dependant) I'm just very confused now. The last time i heard from her was when she emailed me in June. I just don't know what to do. I don't want her back or anything just all this guilt is making me very confused.

[snappafcw]

I had a rough week last week but I honestly feel I am starting to get back on track with my healing and living life again... . I have been reading a lot on these boards lately about Co-Dependency and its pretty obvious I am also one of them. I feel shame about my behaviors... . Do i genuinely care about people yes but then i realise there is a motive in feeling good about yourself by helping others and I didn't realise It was such a bad thing. This was just all I have known and I'm feeling a great amount of shame and guilt now realising just how flawed I am afterall. BPD or not My exuBPDgf probably genuinely got sick of me. No one wants to be around a co dependant. I can't take away the lousy things My ex did like all the lies and the possible cheating etc but I now honestly don't know how much of it is attributed to my behavior. Although my heart was always in the right place when i have her money, gifts and paid for her haircuts etc she must of also found that to me controlling or manipulative even though I never meant to be.


I can't even begin to explain how much guilt I feel for this now. I don't even know if I should apologize to her or not for playing my part in this (when we were together I would apologize if i did wrong but I would also get overemotional at times if I felt a lack of appreciation from her, very co dependant) I'm just very confused now. The last time i heard from her was when she emailed me in June. I just don't know what to do. I don't want her back or anything just all this guilt is making me very confused.

[musicfan42]

No-you don't need to apologize to your ex girlfriend. You're not responsible for your ex doing things like lying, possibly cheating etc. She chose to do those things and that's on her.

There's no need to feel guilt or shame about your behavior. You had good intentions in the relationship. Working on codependency issues is really for your own benefit and not for anyone elses. There are threads on boundaries and taking care of ourselves in the workshop section which may help you.

I sense that you're judging yourself harshly. I fell into that trap and I'm just realizing that it is a trap. You're only human, everyone makes mistakes. Just consider your relationship with your ex as a learning experience. It's great that you're starting to get back on track with healing and living your life again. There is a thread on self-compassion somewhere on the forum here which may help you... if you can't find it, there's a psychologist called Kristin Neff who has a website called www.self-compassion.org. She has exercises and youtube videos on her website which may help you be kind to yourself.

[snappafcw]

Thanks for your kind reply musicfan. This topic is making me a little emotional for some reason. Thank you for the links I will be sure to check them out

[musicfan42]

You're welcome snappafcw! Your feelings are totally understandable. You've dealt with a lot so give yourself a break-the best thing that you can do for yourself now is to give yourself a lot of kindness. Resist any urge to criticize yourself or judge yourself and just give yourself the same kindness that you would a good friend or loved one. I judge myself very harshly and it's something I've only started working on myself!

[Clearmind]

snapp, guilt is self judgement - making yourself wrong. I get it however its maybe good to see where the negative self talk comes from.

We feel emotional because we finally feeling and not masking. That sense of emotion is our vulnerabilities kicking in - its a good thing as long as we don't shame ourselves in the process. Accept how you feel, feel emotional, its all good.

Show yourself some compassion - its maybe about time you showed yourself more compassion than you shower others - feels a little uncomfortable at first.

Co-dependent No More is a good book and has a workbook too

Daring Greatly - Brene Brown (seeking balance recommended this one - its great!)

[bb12]

For what it's worth Snappafcw, I did apoligise to my exBPD

Don't waste your time!

I think one of the trickiest thing about this whole BPD experience is what it throws up about ourselves - mutually exclusive of them! And like you, I am a card-carrying member of the CoDa club and felt enormous shame at some of the things I have done to to control many of my partners. But all of it was sub-conscious and beyond blame really. Our own attachment styles were determined by FOO and our own with-holding parents etc. When we become 'other directed' we can go one of two ways: focus outward and on pleasing and fixing (CoDa) or inward as we develop as false self and a pathological self-centredness (NPD/BPD). In a way we are two sides of the same coin.

So I blamed myself enormously once I had studied all of this and even sent my exBPD a 4 page hand-written letter. It was lovely and I fell on my sword. Didn't mention a word about their likely BPD. I owned all of it. But it's a funny thing, Codependency, because I still found myself expecting a response. And we can't! We need to learn to give because we want to and not to control. So with any apology or admission, it must only be done without expectation of a lovely response from them.

If you want to do it as a cathartic thing for yourself, then go for it. But if wanting validation or acknowledgement of any kind then don't.

And now that I have sent my letter, I have some regrets. Because now my blameless exBPD will only use this as further proof that he was all right and I was all wrong. I don't think it helps them and their ability to examine the awful things they did and said, you know?

BB12

[MaybeSo]

You're not responsible for your ex doing things like lying, possibly cheating etc. She chose to do those things and that's on her.

This. Bingo.

Codepenence is about confusing what is yours to own with what belongs to another person.  These actions are choices that your ex made, indeed, cheating and lying is only one of a million possible coping choices once might choose if confronted by a relationship stressor or issue.  Her choices belong to HER, not you. When you move into a role of taking responsibility or carrying guilt for someone elses 'stuff', you are getting into confused codependent territory.

Guilt can lead to more CD behaviors because it can come with 'beating ourselves up' and that feels crappy... . so we get our 'fix' from feeling crappy by further embroiling ourselves in messy fix it projects involving other people that really has nothing to do with us... . but it distracts us from our own bad feelings. (guilt, anxiety, etc.)

Don't beat yourself up.  

Own your stuff, keep it separate from her stuff... . and when you miss the mark, you are gentle and compassionate with yourself.  What purpose does guilt serve other than to feel bad?  Wasted energy.  Self acceptance and forgiveness when we miss the mark is what spurs growth, not guilt and self punishment and more codependence. Self compassion feels better and is more about self care and self focus and healing.  Then, you won't feel so crappy all the time over beating yourself about stuff that isn't yours anyways... . and you won't have to go self-medicate your bad feelings away by rescuing and fixing others 'stuff' anymore.

If I were to ever apologize about my CD (and at times, I have)  it would be a sincere apology for not getting out of the person's way and letting that person have full responsibility and deal with the full consequences of their own choices in life, because my guilt and rescuing instincts just got in the way of that person's own learning/corrective experiences. I wish I'd stepped out of the way more, and turned my attention back to my own life and my own growth, instead of focusing so much on another person.

[snappafcw]

Thank you for the insight on this. I suppose I shouldn't be hard on myself I did let go with love and the whole reason I haven't contacted my ex in the first place is because I don't want to trigger her so I guess I'm already letting her go find herself or not find herself even. The choice is hers obviously but I am not interfering I stepped out of the way long ago. All i ever wanted was to get the same love back that I showed her. She couldn't, at times she was even honest about it and how messed up she was and I stayed regardless. Harsh life lesson... .

[nolisan]

I didn't really know what codependency was until near the end of a 1 year r/s. The exBPD couldn't hold a job (it was everyone's fault but hers) and fell behind on her mortgage and bills. I bailed her out repeatedly.

Then I looked at the Traits of Codependance from CoDA. OMG - I was a full blown rescuer. I asked her (she was a "recovery guru" if she thought I was a codependent. "Of course NOT".

Once I stopped rescuing the r/s ground to a painful end. I see now that she was "Counter Dependent" a perfect dysfunctional fit with a codependent.

It was an expensive way to find out what some words meant. I should have just bought a dictionary . But in many ways it was a very valuable life lesson that I needed to experience first hand. Ouch.