letting go of anger

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Its been about 15 days of NC from my BPDgf. Its been mutaul pn both our parts. She has reched out for me and I havent her. We have went longer before. IM starting to get back on my feet. Started back Gym, Tanning, Got a dog. Which bring me company and i really enjoy working with him. BUt I still find myself angry with my exBPDgf. I cnat let it go. She used to say I had to hate her to git over her. Is that an ego or what. hating her has nothing to do with getting over her, it was how she treated me that causes the anger. yes, I allowed it, but she was such a good con. If i get mad she would tell me how she was abused is why she acted a certain way whcih would cause me to melt and put my own anger aside. Would talk about marriage, make plans, and at last minute run away. Leaving me hanging. Any advice on how to let go of the anger?

[mitchell16]

Its been about 15 days of NC from my BPDgf. Its been mutaul pn both our parts. She has reched out for me and I havent her. We have went longer before. IM starting to get back on my feet. Started back Gym, Tanning, Got a dog. Which bring me company and i really enjoy working with him. BUt I still find myself angry with my exBPDgf. I cnat let it go. She used to say I had to hate her to git over her. Is that an ego or what. hating her has nothing to do with getting over her, it was how she treated me that causes the anger. yes, I allowed it, but she was such a good con. If i get mad she would tell me how she was abused is why she acted a certain way whcih would cause me to melt and put my own anger aside. Would talk about marriage, make plans, and at last minute run away. Leaving me hanging. Any advice on how to let go of the anger?

[frustrated b/f]

I'm assuming only time, like all other wounds, will heal it. You have every right to be angry. However, prolonged inner-anger is the equivalent to drinking poison hoping the other person will suffer from it. Bottom line, the anger only hurts us.

I'm extremely resentful for wasting five years of my life on someone who wasn't capable of giving me what I wanted/needed. I'm learning to let it go, it's a process. Keep proceeding with your life, you're on the right track!

[heartandwhole]

Hi mitchell16,

It sounds like you are working through the grieving process, and will cycle through several emotions during detachment.  It's really normal and important to be in touch with your anger, so it's a good thing!  There is lots of good info. about this in lesson #1 on the right   --------->

It is possible to get stuck there, but I wouldn't guess that you are, seeing as this is only day 15 of NC.  

Anger frequently covers up deeper feelings that we don't want to experience.  (And some of us don't want to feel anger and cover that up with something else.)

Any of that make sense in your situation?

[mitchell16]

heartandwhole, It makes alot of sense. I donot feel Im cover up any feelings though. I have experienced the full rage. I sad, happy, hurt, confused, feeling tremendous loss, I feel moment of jealous, when i think about her off with another man. If though I dont know this, I sense it. Of course the mind can play tricks on you. So i keep that in check.

But anger is the hardest one for me to let go off. I find myself wishing bad things on her, I find myself thinking about how bad I would treat her if she does try contact. This is not me. I have had other break ups and i wished them well. But the diffrences was those relationship it was very easy to see fault and sometimes it was mine and sometimes it was theirs and we were both able to admit wrong doings. For the life of me I can not see what I did wrong here. and that is what is making me so frustarted. If I can find fault in my actions then I could understand but Im really struggling with this.

[heartandwhole]

Hi mitchell16,

What you write makes sense and I can understand the wishing bad things for her, although you know that's not really who you are.  I think it's all legitimate, all part of the progression through the stages.

Do you think some of this anger could be going towards her, instead of yourself?  You probably did everything "right" in the r/s, but what about for you?  :)id you treat yourself well?  :)id you respect yourself and make your needs a priority?  :)id you treat yourself the way that you treated your partner?

The mind is very sneaky, it will project things that are actually self-directed.

You are doing really well, feeling all this and inquiring into it.  It's very hard and takes time.  

[bpdspell]

Hey Mitchell,

Fifteen days is a drop in the hat of time so try to congratulate yourself for simply making the daily decision to stick to no contact.

As for your anger; anger is an emotional mask that's used to cover underlying emotions of hurt and pain. Anger is a form of protection and let's us know that something's awry. So it exists for a reason.

This is what helped me. Acknowledge that you're in pain, acknowledge the hurt, acknowledge the sadness. Validate what's underneath the anger. And as cliche as it may sound feel your feelings and accept the mourning and grieving that comes with this process. In time you'll feel better. I think we make our circumstances worse by not feeling the pain because in our culture being angry is more socially accepted. But anger keeps us stuck and unproductive. It keeps us in rumination, obsessive thoughts about what if... .and prevents us from accepting what IS.

You have every right to be angry. I was pissed beyond words at my BPD ex and wanted to strangle him for the lies and the betrayal. I felt jealousy as well just thinking about him being with someone else. But I now understand BPD fully and know now that whomever he's with will get the same hell.

I put the focus of healing back on me. I reluctantly accepted that I was in pain and that I was beyond heartbroken. Focusing on yourself instead of them is the key to moving forward.

Spell

[seeking balance]

Anger was my safe emotion - it was "allowed".

I remember the first time I heard the phrase, "anger is a mask for pain" - and it really is true.  Anger serves a purpose, gives us fire to act.  Anger can also serve as a tie to our ex, it is not love, but it is still something.

Working through the anger, (grief) means leaning into the pain.  This takes time and trust that it is ok to fall apart a bit.

Forgiveness - IMHO - is one requiring faith to let go and let it all be ok.  It is a process of constantly letting go, sometimes faking it.  When the thoughts pop into your head, practice visualizing letting go.

Looking back on your life - can you see times when anger was a positive for you?

**just cross posted with Spell**

[mitchell16]

yes, 15 days is nothing. We have went much longer and i have been NC much longer with her callingor texting. I am angry with myself. I wasted alot of valuable time, energy, I was very good to her. I hate to say it almost to good. I made her my priority, I fulfilled all her desires, whims, wants and needs and I got very little in return. I got sex, alot of fun times and some good memories. BUt all that is teinted from how she ended up treating me. I feel used, played, rejected, not good enough. Im am expereincing alot of diffrent emotions and but the  anger is the most consistent. I feel like she played a cat and mouse game with me. and It has me really angry. some with myself nut mostley with her. I would love to write it off as the her diease but at times it so hard to see that. The mental ill people that I have exprience with were easy to see. They didnt own a home, work a job, own a new car. I forget that she is sick person. it such a struggle.

[bpdspell]

yes, 15 days is nothing. We have went much longer and i have been NC much longer with her callingor texting. I am angry with myself. I wasted alot of valuable time, energy, I was very good to her. I hate to say it almost to good. I made her my priority, I fulfilled all her desires, whims, wants and needs and I got very little in return. I got sex, alot of fun times and some good memories. BUt all that is teinted from how she ended up treating me. I feel used, played, rejected, not good enough. Im am expereincing alot of diffrent emotions and but the  anger is the most consistent. I feel like she played a cat and mouse game with me. and It has me really angry. some with myself nut mostley with her. I would love to write it off as the her diease but at times it so hard to see that. The mental ill people that I have exprience with were easy to see. They didnt own a home, work a job, own a new car. I forget that she is sick person. it such a struggle.

Anger at yourself is understandably but like I wrote... .feel the feelings underneath. I was good to my ex also. In the end he shat on me with his lies and betrayal. It's the disorder and how we treated them has nothing to do with how things played out in the end. The disorder of BPD is real; not a game and certainly not an excuse for their behavior. But knowing that their brain wiring is faulty helps to depersonalize their actions. The road to accepting that someone we loved was mentally ill is not easy because it involves accepting the end of a dream. Not having the love we thought we had is a loss. It's painful but you will get through this because your ex is not the best you can do and she's not the last train stop of love.

Most of us are programmed to believe that mental illness can only look a certain way: a straight jacket, an old man howling at the wind on a park bench, an old lady eating cat food or garbage, someone running through AM traffic naked... .you know... .stereotypical images. But mental illness can also be hidden. Our ex's may look normal on the outside (and many of our ex's including mine are insanely attractive), but on the inside lives a broken, toxic, terrified child. On the inside lives a damaged soul with a traumatic past and a toxic narrative.

Our problem is believing that our love could fix their heavily damaged past. Love is powerful; but it is a myth that you can love for two.

You weren't played. You were involved with a mentally ill woman who will repeat her toxic pattern with anyone who comes close. Ask yourself why you stayed and give yourself honest answers. That way you aren't further beating up yourself with lies. You stayed for a reason and it helps to get to the bottom of this liberating truth.

Spell

[mitchell16]

BPDspell, thank you. very good information and it does make sense. I dont think I satyed to fix her. never thought I could do that. I thought I could support her and she would fix herself or get help. For the first year or so I didnt have a clue anything was wrong with her. I saw signs but she had me convinced it was all me. So I worked on getting me better. I worked on thing she said i was doing. It only became clear it wasnt me was when I changed all the things she said I was doing wrong and it still kept happeneing or it became something else. Then she started saying she would get help but she never followed through. When I find out about BPD it was a blessing becasue it made sense. I stayed because I thought she was teh one, she was perfect in my eyes. When she was normal acting she was wonderful, sexy, fun to be with, the list can go on and on. But im a understanding person nobodies pefect is how I saw it. we all have faults, Im certainly not perfect. So made excuses for her behavior and tried to just work with it. But it was like she could see right through me and would try just as hard to sabatage it. The last day we was togther she tried her best to get a fight out of me, Ignored all attempts, and it just got worse until she didnt care if I would fight with her she just started arguing at me instead of with me. But i wish I knew how to get to the bottom of why I stayed or why im still heart broken over this. The emotion of anger is the worst,  because its a waste of time and energy and it will accomplish nothing. But I am still burning up inside.

[bpdspell]

But i wish I knew how to get to the bottom of why I stayed or why im still heart broken over this. The emotion of anger is the worst,  because its a waste of time and energy and it will accomplish nothing. But I am still burning up inside.

Your liberation is tied to answering this question. The why of why you stayed.

You say you stayed because you thought that showing her compassion would model (and teach her) how to treat you. Perhaps you weren't trying to fix her but you also believed that your love could make her see your value. I've done both with my ex and it blew up in my face because I didn't get BPD. I stayed because I didn't want to check out of the fantasy. I stayed because I believed I could make his inner ugly go away by doing my best to please him. When his needs were met he'd be temporarily satisfied but then he'd change the rules. My ex would gaslight, start fights for drama and chaos, and his entitlement became overwhelming. In the midst of it all I was shrinking and the relationship was becoming parasitical as he dropped the mask of idealization and began to project his hidden rage. I worked my butt off the get us back to the beginning. I was chasing idealization like a carrot and it was destroying me.

It helps to seek a therapist to unload emotionally and for catharsis. Our ex's are sick in the head and heart and that's your answer as to why it never could have worked. We stayed because something in us got pulled in and believed that love could conquer all. But love cannot fix mental illness. And our ex's cannot accept our love when they hate themselves for the most part. It's a lose-lose situation where two people will clash in spite of all its good intentions.

I had toxic parents growing up... .and while that may not be everyone's story on here... .it's is mine and my ex mirrored my parents in every single way... .down to the neglect, disrespect, entitlement and abandonment. I was trying to fix my parent's through my ex and finally received my wake up call.

Spell

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Mitchell,

     Lots of good advice here.  My two cents worth is the need to push yourself physically while visualizing the object of the anger to dispel it.  When we're angry we get our bodies ready for a physical fight that almost never comes and we really, really need to get rid of what our bodies have created.  Don't hurt yourself physically, but you need to run a lot on a treadmill, hit a baseball bat against a car tire in your garage or go to a gym that teaches boxing and stay on the heavy bag until you can't move your arms anymore, etc.  All the time you do this, bring the pwBPD up in your mind to spur yourself to even harder efforts.  You do this every day for a few weeks and you'll find that you've let out (the mental imaging is the key) a huge amount of the anger.  It's really hard to feel pi$$ed off anymore when you've been cursing someone for two hours and punching the cr@p out of a 300 pound bag until you can't lift your arms anymore.  If it sounds like I've done all this, that's only because its true.

LT