Friends for Kids Sake?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

BPD ex gf left me/moved out 6 weeks ago. We have two children together, 5 and 4 respectively. No contact is virtually impossible with school, sports (soccer, two games every weekend and practices during the week), pick up and drop offs, etc. I see her practically every day. I try to sit away from her at games, but the child not playing will pull me over to her. Ex blames me for everything and is now even telling our children things like Daddy is "always mad at mommy." If I refuse to sit with her, aren't reinforcing what she is telling them about me? This past week, she made dinner for me twice and brought it over. And now I just got a text asking if I wanted to go to get pizza with her and kids next Fri night for my birthday. How am I suppose to heal and move on? How do I avoid looking like the bad guy when the children are too young to understand?

[Emb922]

BPD ex gf left me/moved out 6 weeks ago. We have two children together, 5 and 4 respectively. No contact is virtually impossible with school, sports (soccer, two games every weekend and practices during the week), pick up and drop offs, etc. I see her practically every day. I try to sit away from her at games, but the child not playing will pull me over to her. Ex blames me for everything and is now even telling our children things like Daddy is "always mad at mommy." If I refuse to sit with her, aren't reinforcing what she is telling them about me? This past week, she made dinner for me twice and brought it over. And now I just got a text asking if I wanted to go to get pizza with her and kids next Fri night for my birthday. How am I suppose to heal and move on? How do I avoid looking like the bad guy when the children are too young to understand?

[Ishenuts]

Emb922 - What is your visitation agreement? She left you, but is trying to force "family time"? Why? Is it for the kid's sake, or to make you hurt?

I can so identify with this. My uBPD/NPDexH and I don't like each other AT ALL! But I would be willing to appear to tolerate him for my children's (twins 11yo) sake. He can't do it. When I am around he is obviously disdainful. He has that haughty, get out of my space, look on his face. It is very apparent to the children, and I believe it hurts them. And, like you, I have to see him almost everyday at sporting events. He even coaches my son's teams. I would love to go LC, with him being with the kids on his parenting time, and me with them on my time. We share 50/50. BUT then he couldn't do his "daddy of the year" act by always being around. Our parenting plan allows for us to attend all of the kid's events, regardless of whose time it is.

And the sad part is the kids are afraid to show me affection when he's around because they know he wouldn't like it. They are very intimidated by him.  I know there is alienation going on, and it's a constant battle to try to counteract it.

Today is their birthday, but it's his parenting time. We made no agreement about their birthday in the parenting plan. I did talk to my daughter in the afternoon, and I went to my son's football practice. I also called them for our nightly call. They both acted aloof. I can just imagine what he said to them, "Gee, it's your birthday and "your mother" (never refers to me as "mom" or anything remotely friendly) didn't even want to see you". Of course, not telling them that even if I had asked, he'd have said, "NO! It's my time! Should've put it in the parenting plan" Luckily, I will have them at 8:00 am tomorrow and for the next 5 days. Time to try to undo the damage!

Everyone says the kids will "get it" when they are older. I pray that's true!

[Mutt]

I have S2,S5 and D7. STBX uBPDw detached, had affair, discarded me, painted me black and smeared me.

She plays by her rules. "I do what I want" attitude. She controls. For example if there is something special that comes up on my weekend, she has tried to say tht there is no court order (finally court next month) that says she cannot take the kids on my time. I set up a boundary, she was difficult, she didn't apologize and ended up guilting me by saying "well it was for a good cause, it was a girl guides fundraiser" I want my kids in a routine knowing when it's time for dad on the weekend. I'm not opening the door for her. She tries to get the best of both worlds. She wants a divorce, but wants things her way like when we were a family.

She's complained about me trying to get 50/50 and having the kids with me one week and her the next week. She brought up that a mutual friends' D finds it tough because she doesn't feel like she really has a home, but gets shuffled between 2 places. A divorce that uBPDw initiated, is what it is. She made her choice but it's better for the kids to maintain a relationship with both parents in our case and I can be their emotional support. Again, cake eating on her part. Wants divorce but not the change that comes with it.

If I want something, I used to call, it went to VM and I would get no response. She would just leave me hang. She loves the silent treatment. It comes down to the kids and it's not a game.

Am I friends with her? She went no contact when she left. She has tried to extend an olive branch with the kids 7 months after she left, but it was only after court was looming and I initiated it after several attempts with mediation and she would cancel a week before the appointments.

I've adopted parallel parenting instead of co-parenting to minimize control, manipulation and conflict. Everything that is her lifeblood for her and painful and difficult to deal with, with kids.

I understand that I may get a comment, "it's important for kids to see their parents interact with their parents for when they get older" What the kids saw while we we're together is a mother alienate the kids from their father, emasculate and cut down. I despise her for her rages in front of the kids and vulgar and name calling.

She's in denial, undiagnosed. I would consider friendship when she seeks help, but she's a b*itch to deal with in this condition. I just can't see her wanting to get help.I'm working on a parenting plan to remove ambiguity and control but I dread what the future holds with the kids and parenting. I'm working on trying to better communicate with her. I'm going to through "walking on eggshells" for now and I believe DEARMAN and SET are other tools. I'm hope to try to smooth out the rough edges, but for now, no, I'm not friends.

Best of luck Emb922, I hope you find something that works for your situation.