im sick of being strong

[simplyasiam]

6 months into our 15 breakup aand im trying to work on me tring to start life over.im getting out more starting to date again... .looking for red flags in everyone i meet.find myself push away new women for no reason. ive never lived alone this long or had to work so hard to get my life back on track. life wit her was hard at time but alot of the time time i had the things i life i wanted... .a family. i did all the cooking i worked full time did the shoping  did the home repairs. now all of those thing make me sick to do them. the everyday stress of life is getting to me. going from two incomes to one sucks. coming home to a shell that use to be a home still makes me cry some days.

this being strong and moving forward has beat me up to the point i cant take much more.

not even sure why im posting this maybe just to kill time maybe to see if anyone knows how i feel

[seeking balance]

Oh simply - I know that feeling.

It was soo much easier keeping my head in the sand, jumping to a new relationship and numbing all that crappy feelings. 

BUT, once we know better it is so hard to go  back to old coping and the new way is scary and lonely at times.  Creating a New Normal is not for the weak and it is ok to fall apart every once in a while.

Dating, being vulnerable and open, building new friends - all while processing grief - no, nothing easy about it.

Not sure what to say other than you are not alone and life does change, this we can be sure of.

Peace,

SB

[simplyasiam]

life changing is something i hate so much, your right about putting my head in the sand. life with her was neavr stable.

i grew up in a stable happy for the most part home i had no fear of being left or ppl going away. drugs were never apart of your life. my mom as never even had a drink dad drank 2 time a year the town fair and the xmas party at his work. good or bad up or down our family was always together.

i was married at 22 with a child on the way in 3 months had a 2nd child by age 25 life seemed good. ex wife and i would fight but i never dreamed she would cheat on me a leave by age 33.  i never really recoved from that and two year latter i feel into this mess. i know i was looking for this r/s to replace my old one... .never even came close. over the years i grew close to her kids and got use to being a care giver 3 months a year and a baby sitter for her the rest of the year.

the fact i know for sure she is living the same life she lived with me dosent help at all. when this 1st started this to she seemed cured of her illness but it all come back to her. you would think that should make me feel better but i never wanted her to hurt still dont but knowing that she just replaced me and is now training a new man to take my place kills.i use to feel like superman always saving the day and putting out fires now i see that im just any old guy. ... .not a ez one to take

[seeking balance]

Being lonely can really "tee" us up nicely for a BPD relationship. 

Learning to be alone, self soothe and build our own life is the key.  This takes time and patience (I am not so good at the patience part sometimes).  I just don't want to repeat this - so change is necessary.

It is ok to fall apart every once in a while - I greatest strength is the ability to be vulnerable - you are not alone simplyasiam - many of us have walked this same path.

,

SB

[simplyasiam]

i thank you for your world. im trying hard here i really am.that r/s made me go agaist everything i know to be right. i try not to hide from the truth. some ppl dont like me for telling the truth i bull hit noone but myself. as an adult ive always had pride in myself for being a truthful person.tried to make sure i did the things i said i was going to do. i have the name of a very respected dad to up hold, never a rich man but where we live you could ask ppl from here to hell and back and find onnoe that that would not speak well of him. ive always said to my kids and step kids that the truth is harder than a lie but the truth is always better. now im having to live by my own words, i never knew how true those words are.

i know im a good person and can do this just never wanted to. after six months i just a few days ago addmited to myself the r/s is over and shes not going to just walk back in.

im scared to death to addmit im better off with out her dont  like thinking that way.

ive never been a quiter i think thats part of this for me, walking away feels like giving up. to me quiting is losing.

if i quit everything in my life thats hard i would never get any where. my whole life is hard living in one of the poorest parts of the counrty and trying to support yourself with no jobs to be had, you have to hussle to get ahead around here and ive done just that. it gives me pride in myself that i dont get help from the gov, or steel or do drugs. it would be ez to give up here say to hell with life.

[whirlpoollife]

I have been in counseling . My counselor has helped me to learn how to focus on me. But I haven't been in for a couple months having canceled my last appointment with a lame excuse. Why... .because I am tired of trying to find all the good in me ,  tired of writing my accomplishments no matter how small, tired of working at for my kids to like me, tired of showing strength,... .tired of liking me.   

Then last week I went to a memorial service for a friend's husband that died from a long illness. On the pamphlet at the service was this:

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but destroyed."

Corinthians