Not enough for myself

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Just for a moment, I'm going to talk about my ex. I'll get back to the personal part of this posting, I promise.

I realize now that I've been thinking about my ex non-stop since the breakup. I know that my ex did some really unacceptable things during our relationship. And this is why I didn't trust her. Nonetheless, much of the time, I feel a deep, deep sadness for her when I read her texts and other communication. In her last handwritten letter, she explains how she was never good enough for her dad. Throughout our relationship, she told me she never felt she was enough for me. Her "extreme sensitivity" and tendency to switch on a dime, she's explained, come from these feelings of inadequacy. I don't doubt this. It's just that thinking about this really makes me sad for her.

So. Back to the personal part. In this relationship, I never felt I was enough for my ex. I gave her so much love and affection. I did everything I could to treat her with respect and tenderness and all of my love. But, like my ex, I've struggled with extreme feelings of inadequacy. I was certainly not perfect as a boyfriend. In fact, throughout the relationship I felt insecure and didn't trust her. I got scared if she didn't text me after work. I so badly wanted to talk these things over more openly with her, but I was always walking on eggshells. Given her past behaviors, I really didn't trust that she'd remain loyal to me. But, as she often asked me, "Why did you stick around then?" And this is a good point. Why did I stick around? I guess I've felt like I'm really not enough of a lover for anyone - not in the long run.

So. As I've been thinking about this and reading on self-soothing, I've realized that I don't fully believe that I'm enough for myself. I realize this probably sounds foolish, but I don't know how else to explain it. I depend so much on external validation. I need to be flirted with or smiled at. I know, rationally, that this is really childish, selfish thinking. But I have to be honest. I know that this is the very thinking that leads to anger and resentment, often really sadness, when I see happy, content couples out and about. And there I am, completely alone, without another half. I want to know that I'll have a partner, someone to share this journey with. I can't stand the thought of being alone and single forever. I need to be loved. I know. I know you're supposed to feel complete on your own. But I'm just being honest that this is how I feel.

I'll leave this with a question. How can your own validation enough for you?

[DeRetour]

Just for a moment, I'm going to talk about my ex. I'll get back to the personal part of this posting, I promise.

I realize now that I've been thinking about my ex non-stop since the breakup. I know that my ex did some really unacceptable things during our relationship. And this is why I didn't trust her. Nonetheless, much of the time, I feel a deep, deep sadness for her when I read her texts and other communication. In her last handwritten letter, she explains how she was never good enough for her dad. Throughout our relationship, she told me she never felt she was enough for me. Her "extreme sensitivity" and tendency to switch on a dime, she's explained, come from these feelings of inadequacy. I don't doubt this. It's just that thinking about this really makes me sad for her.

So. Back to the personal part. In this relationship, I never felt I was enough for my ex. I gave her so much love and affection. I did everything I could to treat her with respect and tenderness and all of my love. But, like my ex, I've struggled with extreme feelings of inadequacy. I was certainly not perfect as a boyfriend. In fact, throughout the relationship I felt insecure and didn't trust her. I got scared if she didn't text me after work. I so badly wanted to talk these things over more openly with her, but I was always walking on eggshells. Given her past behaviors, I really didn't trust that she'd remain loyal to me. But, as she often asked me, "Why did you stick around then?" And this is a good point. Why did I stick around? I guess I've felt like I'm really not enough of a lover for anyone - not in the long run.

So. As I've been thinking about this and reading on self-soothing, I've realized that I don't fully believe that I'm enough for myself. I realize this probably sounds foolish, but I don't know how else to explain it. I depend so much on external validation. I need to be flirted with or smiled at. I know, rationally, that this is really childish, selfish thinking. But I have to be honest. I know that this is the very thinking that leads to anger and resentment, often really sadness, when I see happy, content couples out and about. And there I am, completely alone, without another half. I want to know that I'll have a partner, someone to share this journey with. I can't stand the thought of being alone and single forever. I need to be loved. I know. I know you're supposed to feel complete on your own. But I'm just being honest that this is how I feel.

I'll leave this with a question. How can your own validation enough for you?

[Hazelrah]

DeRetour,

I'm right there with you.  I am really working on personal growth and development to deal with my codependent tendencies, etc., but I still struggle with self-validation.  I'm in the early stages of tackling this, so I need to give myself some time, but I find myself facing the same fears you do.  The thought of being alone again, of having a marriage that I really felt was working in spite of any BPD hiccups that don't necessarily match some of the more extreme horror stories you hear on this board, is wholly frightening. Worse yet, I still hold out an  unhealthy hope that there is still some chance for reconciliation before the courts dissolve the marriage.  My W is in the early stages of DBT, and I'm working feverishly on my own issues, and I can't help but wonder if there is a chance we could make things work down the road.

But I digress--you're in the early stages of therapy as well, and it will take time to learn some of the tools you need to come to accept, and even love, yourself.  It really is something we need to do, lest we find ourselves embroiled in similar relationship patterns in the future as we try to fill a need we aren't able to fill for ourselves.  We need to learn the tools to fill that hole, so that our next partner merely complements a strong, confident, yet still loving person.

[DesertChild]

I think having hobbies and things you aren't particularly good at, but like doing anyway, can be a good place to start.

I had some codependent issues, but mine were more along the line of control issues. Some of it is a need for validation, but I think if you rechannel that need for validation in things *you* do and *you* accomplish, that'll help you a lot more. I quit codependence cold turkey and am working with the backlash.

I'm still working on boundaries and confidence in front of others.

There is nothing wrong with wanting validation--it's healthy. But wanting validation for accomplishments through someone else's accomplishments isn't. Maybe asking why you need it through someone else would help?

I'd say those two fronts, personally helped me to understand where I was coming from: Hobbies I knew I was bad at, but did anyway. And figuring out why I needed to live through someone else.

[DeRetour]

Hazelrah,

I still hold out an  unhealthy hope that there is still some chance for reconciliation before the courts dissolve the marriage.

Hey, I'm so sorry you're going through this period of waiting and hoping for things to work out and show hope. Please hang in there through it all, and stay strong for yourself.

... .you're in the early stages of therapy as well, and it will take time to learn some of the tools you need to come to accept, and even love, yourself.  It really is something we need to do, lest we find ourselves embroiled in similar relationship patterns in the future as we try to fill a need we aren't able to fill for ourselves.  We need to learn the tools to fill that hole, so that our next partner merely complements a strong, confident, yet still loving person.

Aha. The fragmented nature of this relationship dynamic really perpetuates fragmented thinking and emotions. I have moments of forgetting what might otherwise have been obvious - in this case, the fact that therapy has just started. That being said, I myself am considering DBT as well. If only I could get my ex to look into it. Ah! Gotta stop thinking about it, haha. But yes, from what I've read of DBT, it seems to really work on self-soothing and dealing with mood changes.

I digress, but yes, therapy. Good reminder, Hazelrah. This is what therapy is for - to gain those tools to be there for ourselves and desperately need another half. I'm working on it. One day at a time. Thanks for reaching out. Take good care through and be kind to yourself as well.

-deretour

[DeRetour]

I'm still working on boundaries and confidence in front of others.

Desertchild,

Hey. Yes, and then there's boundaries. Very important. I hope to remember to work on this in therapy. It's something I've struggled with my whole life. Growing up, I was never really allowed to be too expressive of my self. That really sucks, because I think I would otherwise feel spirited. I feel horrible saying this, but growing up, my mother was this charismatic artist (painter), later professor. She seemed to always thrive on being the center of attention and never seemed to have trouble getting it. Always a charmer. I hate that I resent my own mom's ability to charm, but I always felt that in order to maintain a relationship with her, I had to be in her shadow, or some extension. I couldn't dare show off. Any of my own talents were, at best, a reflection of her - never my own! In my early years, she perhaps felt stuck as my dad's trophy wife. And after about 7 or 8, she began to drift from everything that felt secure a family. My dad wasn't present really, until after the divorce, when I was 11. And at that point he talked me into requesting that he have custody. He had a volatile temper, around which I had to walk on eggshells. So, with neither parent did I get to express my own boundaries or interests. I had to pursue all of that on my own. Sorry I digressed there. I want to stick with my original topic - being enough for myself.

I'd say those two fronts, personally helped me to understand where I was coming from: Hobbies I knew I was bad at, but did anyway. And figuring out why I needed to live through someone else.

First off, thanks for summing that up so clearly. My thinking has not been at it's clearest. I like that you point out that it's hobbies you knew you were bad at. I think I know what you mean here. It forces you to get in a place of learning. Ah. I hate being in that "newbie" novice position. It feels so vulnerable and I get scared of annoying people. That said, I love, LOVE learning. Sometimes I feel like learning is one of the things that keeps me alive.

Figuring out why I needed to live through someone else? Hm. I appreciate that you posed another question I would never have thought about - at least perhaps not from this angle. This is good. I suppose this is what codependency is, really. If I ask myself this, I know that I should be interesting enough. With my ex, I felt that if I could help her through her illness, that I'd have a partner. I don't think it's that I wanted to live through her. I wanted her as my partner. Anyway... .new thought. I don't want her as my partner knowing how unhealthy it was. Well, this is a good question. I guess I need to think more about this - is needing to have a partner the same for me as needing to live through someone else? I have so much resistance, really HATE identifying as single.

Both of these suggestions serve as good food for thought. Thanks for reaching out and presenting some challenging suggestions. Stay strong.

-deretour

[DesertChild]

I'm still working on boundaries and confidence in front of others.

Desertchild,

Hey. Yes, and then there's boundaries. Very important. I hope to remember to work on this in therapy. It's something I've struggled with my whole life. Growing up, I was never really allowed to be too expressive of my self. That really sucks, because I think I would otherwise feel spirited. I feel horrible saying this, but growing up, my mother was this charismatic artist (painter), later professor. She seemed to always thrive on being the center of attention and never seemed to have trouble getting it. Always a charmer. I hate that I resent my own mom's ability to charm, but I always felt that in order to maintain a relationship with her, I had to be in her shadow, or some extension. I couldn't dare show off. Any of my own talents were, at best, a reflection of her - never my own! In my early years, she perhaps felt stuck as my dad's trophy wife. And after about 7 or 8, she began to drift from everything that felt secure a family. My dad wasn't present really, until after the divorce, when I was 11. And at that point he talked me into requesting that he have custody. He had a volatile temper, around which I had to walk on eggshells. So, with neither parent did I get to express my own boundaries or interests. I had to pursue all of that on my own. Sorry I digressed there. I want to stick with my original topic - being enough for myself.

Sounds similar to my own experience. It sounds like you didn't get positive feedback for your own accomplishments? Or if you did get feedback, it was positive feedback for supporting your parents, and not yourself? Is this accurate?

I'd say those two fronts, personally helped me to understand where I was coming from: Hobbies I knew I was bad at, but did anyway. And figuring out why I needed to live through someone else.

First off, thanks for summing that up so clearly. My thinking has not been at it's clearest. I like that you point out that it's hobbies you knew you were bad at. I think I know what you mean here. It forces you to get in a place of learning. Ah. I hate being in that "newbie" novice position. It feels so vulnerable and I get scared of annoying people. That said, I love, LOVE learning. Sometimes I feel like learning is one of the things that keeps me alive.

Figuring out why I needed to live through someone else? Hm. I appreciate that you posed another question I would never have thought about - at least perhaps not from this angle. This is good. I suppose this is what codependency is, really. If I ask myself this, I know that I should be interesting enough. With my ex, I felt that if I could help her through her illness, that I'd have a partner. I don't think it's that I wanted to live through her. I wanted her as my partner. Anyway... .new thought. I don't want her as my partner knowing how unhealthy it was. Well, this is a good question. I guess I need to think more about this - is needing to have a partner the same for me as needing to live through someone else? I have so much resistance, really HATE identifying as single.

Both of these suggestions serve as good food for thought. Thanks for reaching out and presenting some challenging suggestions. Stay strong.

-deretour

Codependency, I think is precariously living your life through someone else. If it's a partner you want, then you would look for that--an equal. But in codependency it's an uneven relationship... .there is no give-recieve/give-recieve. It's give-give/take-take with no return give.

Or at least how I see it. The old analogy (excuse it if it's lousy or it doesn't apply to you).

The Knight in Shining armor comes to the tower to rescue fair maiden, but doesn't check to see if the maiden is in distress, just guesses it because he saw a handkerchief from the window. So he climbs to rescue the fair princess from the tower of her own making... .not realizing she made and trapped herself there in the first place. And then not asking her if she wants to be rescued, takes her down from the tower while she complains about how awful the tower is, but when he gets to the bottom, she runs up the stairs to the top of the tower again.

I see codependency like that.

Whereas a healthy relationship is more the Knight in Shining armor asking how she got up in the tower, if she needs *assistance*. If she plans on getting down and how. He doesn't *rescue* her, he maybe asks if she has rope, and works with her to face her own problem and *helps* her down if and only she asks for it. And if she runs up the tower after the help, he will just chalk it up to the fact she really didn't want help in the first place and move on.

I hope this wasn't too much off track... .but can you see how the first guy is more just asking to be trampled upon by repeating himself over and over instead of working together?

I'll give a more real life example of this.

My Mom is bad at balance. My Dad picked up on this and said she shouldn't ride a bike. She doesn't ride a bike to this day.

Compared to my Dad's Dad, who picked up on the fact that my grandmother couldn't drive and couldn't drive stick shift to boot. So he had her face her own fear and found her a safe place to drive in the snow so she could overcome it on her own and said he'd be there to support her emotions by being in the car with her. My grandmother remembers this with a smile on her face, the old anxiety crossing it, but she learned how to drive and is proud of it. She only quit recently. The exact thing my grandmother misses about her dead husband is his ability to make her face her fears.

My Dad only got half the lesson. I call him, Don Quixote of my Mom's heart, trying to rescue her, but not realizing he's making her fall more and more apart.

Does that match your experience and am I clear?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey DeRetour, Why are you buying into your Ex's opinions?  You seem to have accepted all she has said about you as true, which I question.  In my marriage to a pwBPD, whatever I did was devalued and minimized, to the point where I came to the conclusion that, no matter what I did, it was "never enough" for her.  You seem to have had a similar experience, which to me is all part of the bottomless pit of need for a pwBPD.  But you need not accept the views of your Ex as accurate.  Lucky Jim

[DeRetour]

LuckyJim,

Why are you buying into your Ex's opinions?

... .But you need not accept the views of your Ex as accurate.

Hah. Funny how those things really sneak up! I guess it's simply that I know that I still care about her, therefore, I care for how she feels. That said, I need to work on reconciling these thoughts. I know rationally that it's possible to care for someone and disagree. But, funny, I have a hard time with this when it comes to bigger questions and issues. Good food for thought, LuckyJim.

[DeRetour]

DesertChild,

It sounds like you didn't get positive feedback for your own accomplishments? Or if you did get feedback, it was positive feedback for supporting your parents, and not yourself? Is this accurate?

Oh man... .

This is a big one. I could practically write a whole novel on this one. I'll resist the temptation, hahaha. What I will say is that my passion was music. I took piano lessons, however, beyond that, my parents showed very little interest in my piano pursuits. My piano teacher took me seriously and (as I learned later) urged my parents to save up and send me to music school. They told me NOTHING about that. Keeping myself practicing was pretty much between me and my teacher. Sometimes, when I practiced, my mom in fact, would mock the songs I played - not in a spiteful way, more of an "isn't that cute that my little boy plays this song that reminds me of this [might I say shallow] pop reference or commercial". No, my parents were quite absorbed in their fights while they were still married.

Throughout my childhood, I learned that any real interests that I had, I simply had to pursue on my own. There were those things that my parents thought would make them look good to others. And then there were the many things (aka, my real interests) that my parents just sort of laughed off or brushed under the rug. If I brought any of those interests to anyone's attention - they would show embarrassment or shame, "Shh... .don't be a show off. Go to the other room." etc.

There was my dad - respected (at least from what I could see) professionally. At home, things were different. He was violent, not really there - at least until after the divorce. And once he began to show attention and actually talk to me, I jumped at the chance to move in with dad - I was 11. The choice was either, move in with dad (who sometimes hit me) but at least talked to me. Or there was my mom - completely in love with herself, thriving on male attention or praise for her artwork. If anything was ever said about the children, it was as an extension of her.

I still struggle with not going on and on, once I start thinking about this stuff. To this day, I still feel starved for attention and affection. This cuts right into the core of my not feeling enough. For my mom, boyfriends and general praise, that was more important. For my dad, I was supposed to live my life exactly as he dictated - because he had all the common sense and people skills. I was simply an "idiot". Arghhh. That still gets me angry.

Nonetheless, this is a good thing. I need to work through this stuff.

Thanks, Desertchild

EDIT: Also, yes, you explained codependency quite well. I have had an understanding of it before. It's just I have not always been clear on how it has played out in BPD relationships. Thanks for sharing your own example with that. That one makes sense to me.

[DeRetour]

Hah! Wow!

I'm really feeling some boiling anger thinking about the sh!t I dealt with when it came to my parents. Arrrghhh! Sorry, haha. I'm really angry about this. Here I am, struggling to love, to be loved... .god I feel like some ridiculous adolescent. I HATE this. I just struggle to feel good about myself. And I'm just this perpetual outsider.

Hah. So there you go. This is a lot of where my ridiculous feelings of inadequacy seem to come from. They always seemed to encourage me to not draw too much attention to myself. I felt like I was always on the verge of making them look bad or something. So, of course, how did I expect to feel among my peers? I took this with me everywhere. I'm sure people picked up, on some subconscious (perhaps energetic?) level that I was always being yelled at or scolded for being "too much". Too selfish. Too weird. Never enough for either of them, though.

[DeRetour]

I just feel so permanently screwed up. I so badly want justice. Anger... .I say bring it on! I'm so ready to take on the anger! You know... .I wasn't even really given the authority to be the oldest sibling.

I love... .LOVE my brother and sister. They couldn't help that my dad constantly belittled me. Of course he did plenty of it to them too. But somehow, I was never really given the honor of being the oldest.

Now... .here I am. I'm the weird one. The only one who isn't married. The only one who got involved with someone with an illness. I know they see me as the eccentric one who just never could get things right - hahah! The IDIOT.

Okay. THose aren't my words. This is where therapy will be a good thing. I'm also thinking I could use DBT myself. I sure need to take control here. Sorry for the rant. I'm getting myself outside for a night walk in the late summer breeze.

Peace.

[peas]

Hi DeRetour. You are not permanently screwed up. Also, I had all kinds of validation from my parents and family growing up, great foundation for self-esteem, yet I feel like a perpetual outsider and I'm unhappy. I'm a bit of a loner. I'm popular, but I don't feel like it. I look at what I don't have and it bums me out. Like you, I'm the only one in my family who has not married or had kids. I don't own my own home. I have job insecurity. And I just got dumped by a mean guy with BPD. My dating pattern isn't stellar. They were always good guys (except BPD guy), but they were never the correct men for me. 

Somewhere along the line I lost my confidence. When a guy who I like likes me back, I'm suspicious of them. I'm like, really? I see it, but then I wonder why they are interested. Or I wonder how long it will be until they stop wanting me.

[DesertChild]

I just feel so permanently screwed up. I so badly want justice. Anger... .I say bring it on! I'm so ready to take on the anger! You know... .I wasn't even really given the authority to be the oldest sibling.

I love... .LOVE my brother and sister. They couldn't help that my dad constantly belittled me. Of course he did plenty of it to them too. But somehow, I was never really given the honor of being the oldest.

Now... .here I am. I'm the weird one. The only one who isn't married. The only one who got involved with someone with an illness. I know they see me as the eccentric one who just never could get things right - hahah! The IDIOT.

Okay. THose aren't my words. This is where therapy will be a good thing. I'm also thinking I could use DBT myself. I sure need to take control here. Sorry for the rant. I'm getting myself outside for a night walk in the late summer breeze.

Peace.

Feeling anger and hopelessness at this point are normal. You are realizing your own situation and what contributed to what happened to you. Give yourself a break and reconcile with it. (though not necessarily with the people around you--forgive yes, reconcile, no two separate choices).

In my own situation I had a younger sibling to take care of and I was the older sibling. That still didn't save me--if anything since I worked to be bait so my sibling would be safe, it probably made things worse, even though I was self aware. My boundaries looked like trash when I got out of my parents' place. It was so bad that I had suicidal thoughts for over half a year at one point 'cause my Mom was that selfish.

My sibling got a almost get of Jail Card free. I couldn't shield him from all of it. And frankly, I think he still picked up some of my Dad's habits. I still carry guilt over several things, even though I accept that if asked, I would do it over and over again without hesitation. My parents' behavior was unacceptable. It does not look greener from this side.

I also ended up in an abusive relationship, where the guy took advantage of my fears to manipulate me and started throwing my stuff near me. When I finally got the guts to do a clean break (we broke up, and to make himself feel better, he asked for a friendship. I had no boundaries, so didn't say no, though I wanted to), which sadly took years, he trashed the front of my apartment... .

Anger can be productive--it's not wrong. It tells you something that is wrong that you wish to change. If you channel the energy in that direction, whether it's yourself, or your *own* future, (without a mind to control, but more to influence it). I think anger can be productive.

Understand and accept your past. Act in the present to make a better future. Your self-definition is what *you* make of it. Form new habits, 'cause habits are stronger than memories.

Which new habits do you wish to form for yourself?

[DeRetour]

Peas,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your thoughts on feeling like an outsider. While I struggle to write up here, I will say it's helpful to know I'm not alone in feeling like an outsider. I know there are so many ways to wind up where we are. So many layers to this stuff, it seems. Peace, Peas.

Desertchild,

This was kind of where I was coming from when I said the whole bit about, “Let the anger come.”And yes, I can see where, given your childhood, boundaries were really not an option for you either. I do believe anger can be productive too.

[DeRetour]

I'd been focusing a lot on my ex, and am now realizing I have some major issues with emotional dysregulation and impulsive thoughts myself. I want to take charge of this and do everything I can to get better. I suspect I don't have any major outward behavioral issues. The threat of abandonment in my own childhood really froze me stiff and caused me to hide a lot of my own impulses from myself. This relationship was a big wake-up for me. Since thawing, I've become aware of the chaos and impulses and I now know I need to take some action here. Observing and naming these emotions is a start. At the risk of being ostracized, I'm sharing this, because, well... I'm scared. Perhaps someone else struggles with this. Perhaps I shouldn't even be posting this. Peace.