I'm awake now

[yeager1003]

Sometimes I feel as if I’ve been in a coma for the past 18 years. I overlooked so much, denied so much, rationalized so much. Now that I’ve learned about BPD, it’s as if I’ve woken up. I’m noticing things that I chose not to, have turned a deaf ear to for years. Today, my upwBPDw came home from a day of errands. She came in agitated, which was usual. There were “weird” people at the grocery store, “freaks,” “Idiots,” “scary people.” Nearly everyone she has come in contact with over the past 18 years are “stupid,” “selfish,” “morons,” “losers,” “obnoxious,” “crazy” “mean.” Total strangers “hate” her. People she barely knows plot to make her life miserable.

From supermarket checkers to doctors to members of her own family –ESPECIALLY members of her own family. I can’t think of anyone – including her own children – who haven’t been ridiculed and blamed and abused simply for making an honest mistake. I feel shame about not stepping in more when one of the kids did some innocent thing like spill a glass of water at the dinner table. Dear God, you would have thought he murdered a small animal in front of her. The tirade would go on for several minutes, even after the child apologized and was close to tears, thinking something must be wrong with HIM for Mom to be so angry.

Today she got abusive with me about something she was supposed to do for her job. Somehow, as usual, it was my fault that her work wasn’t done on time. I remembered JADE and validated her feelings of frustration and shame for not following up, and that quickly extinguished the burst. But I felt so damn sad afterwards, foolish in a way, that I’d been so blind up until now. I consider myself to have a pretty healthy ego, but now I’m beginning to feel like that was just a cover for the real pain and helplessness I was feeling.

But I’ve decided I’m staying for now. I have two years until my youngest is off to college, and I will leave. Life is too short. She is too broken and I can’t fix her. I feel like taking a calendar and marking off the days.

At the same time, true heartbreak. I thought – I was CLINGING – that she was my “true love.” That if I just was more sensitive, more kind, made more money, listened more, sacrificed more . . . more more more. You get the idea. The ol’ pouring water into the bottomless bucket thing.

Thank God for the people here. Thanks for reading this. I didn’t really have a question, just wanted to vent a little.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mono No Aware]

I have both the "awake now" and "bottomless bucket" feelings pretty much every day.

[waverider]

I'm sure many here have gone through the same revelation like a cold bucket of water poured over you head.

It is not just the big dramas but you will see how it has permeated every part of your lives, even the good moments.

I also understand your guilt for not having the necessary "how to manual" for protecting the kids. You defaulted to doing nothing because all attempts to stop it probably made things worse. As you say you confident nature was probably just a facade to help you get through this.

As you are now more aware and are at least committed to staying for the immediate future, you will find there is a lot you can do. Not to "fix" you wife but to stop making it worse and lessoning its impact on you and the rest of your family.

This will give you a sense of purpose and direction. Control will come back to you along with a greater awareness about human interactions in general. It can bring about a great sense of reward in improving YOURSELF.

It will be hard, but it will be easier to deal with if you shift your target from staying for now, to just staying. The option is still there but if you decide you are staying by choice rather than default that in itself is empowering. Self empowerment and living life by choice is one of the goals to be aiming for.

Good luck