Keeping safe during paranoia

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

He seems to be in another paranoid episode. I find these the scariest of all the different faces of his BPD because he is at his most unreasonable, unreachable, and aggressive. He had several affairs recently and we are still working our way through them. I am much less emotionally stable than usual and I’m not going to apologise for that. It really sucks that he cheated and it hurts. So, he is feeling very triggered and I don’t have a lot of resilience.

Last night he texted one of my sons to ask for his and my other sons email addresses. It looks innocuous but my intuition prickled immediately. My son asked me why dBPDh wants the addresses I say “I don’t know” and I ask.

First, he avoids the question (red flag) and then there is a story about how he wants to communicate with them when they are not home because they don’t answer his texts. They don’t answer mine either so I suggest calling them.  That isn’t satisfactory and so I give him an email address they share. He knows this address already. That’s not satisfactory, for “privacy” reasons he wants separate addresses. I say they don’t use email to communicate with people to my knowledge. My intuition also prickles at the idea that he needs to talk to them “in private”.

He demands to see the text message where my son asked me why he wants their email. I spoke to my son on the phone... .ok then he wants to phone record to show that and the pass code to my phone (I text the pass code). Now, he wants ALL the email addresses I have for them. I say I don’t email them and I don’t have their email addresses. Then he asks for the younger son’s phone number. I said “you said you text him and he doesn’t answer which is why you need his email address. The texting number is the same as his phone number”. He says he has never had the number. Now, none of this story adds up. His tone is very aggressive and I feel harassed.

For extra context, this weekend, at the beginning of the episode, he disclosed he made 7 copies of the house keys so when I ask for them he can hand them across and still have access to the house (to this point without my knowledge). After an argument, he packed his stuff and took my laptop and jewellery and office keys. I am getting a bank safe deposit box to secure my important things as a result. For now they are locked in my car.  

Now I feel extremely suspicious and he sounds aggressive and seems to be lying, which are all signs of when he is paranoid. I say that I am finding him threatening and harassing.  I have called the police before when he was like this and they threatened him with a protection order. I have told him not to approach the boys (who are at their dads tonight) in a way that will frighten or upset them. I said I will not tolerate his aggressive and harassing behaviour towards me and that I will call the police if he does either or tries to enter the house until we agree it’s safe. I encouraged him to call his therapist or the acute mental health team for support.

Now, complete silence. His normal arrival time at home is in 3 hours. I don’t know whether to rely on the police being enough of a deterrent (he was very passive when the police came last time like a typical bully) or to install a new lock on the door (I have done this before).

Right now he doesn't seem to have insight into what he does and how it feels to others. After the event and when he is regulated again he is very remorseful. We both have therapists and things are improving but its a sad day when this is an improvement.

[HoldingAHurricane]

He seems to be in another paranoid episode. I find these the scariest of all the different faces of his BPD because he is at his most unreasonable, unreachable, and aggressive. He had several affairs recently and we are still working our way through them. I am much less emotionally stable than usual and I’m not going to apologise for that. It really sucks that he cheated and it hurts. So, he is feeling very triggered and I don’t have a lot of resilience.

Last night he texted one of my sons to ask for his and my other sons email addresses. It looks innocuous but my intuition prickled immediately. My son asked me why dBPDh wants the addresses I say “I don’t know” and I ask.

First, he avoids the question (red flag) and then there is a story about how he wants to communicate with them when they are not home because they don’t answer his texts. They don’t answer mine either so I suggest calling them.  That isn’t satisfactory and so I give him an email address they share. He knows this address already. That’s not satisfactory, for “privacy” reasons he wants separate addresses. I say they don’t use email to communicate with people to my knowledge. My intuition also prickles at the idea that he needs to talk to them “in private”.

He demands to see the text message where my son asked me why he wants their email. I spoke to my son on the phone... .ok then he wants to phone record to show that and the pass code to my phone (I text the pass code). Now, he wants ALL the email addresses I have for them. I say I don’t email them and I don’t have their email addresses. Then he asks for the younger son’s phone number. I said “you said you text him and he doesn’t answer which is why you need his email address. The texting number is the same as his phone number”. He says he has never had the number. Now, none of this story adds up. His tone is very aggressive and I feel harassed.

For extra context, this weekend, at the beginning of the episode, he disclosed he made 7 copies of the house keys so when I ask for them he can hand them across and still have access to the house (to this point without my knowledge). After an argument, he packed his stuff and took my laptop and jewellery and office keys. I am getting a bank safe deposit box to secure my important things as a result. For now they are locked in my car.  

Now I feel extremely suspicious and he sounds aggressive and seems to be lying, which are all signs of when he is paranoid. I say that I am finding him threatening and harassing.  I have called the police before when he was like this and they threatened him with a protection order. I have told him not to approach the boys (who are at their dads tonight) in a way that will frighten or upset them. I said I will not tolerate his aggressive and harassing behaviour towards me and that I will call the police if he does either or tries to enter the house until we agree it’s safe. I encouraged him to call his therapist or the acute mental health team for support.

Now, complete silence. His normal arrival time at home is in 3 hours. I don’t know whether to rely on the police being enough of a deterrent (he was very passive when the police came last time like a typical bully) or to install a new lock on the door (I have done this before).

Right now he doesn't seem to have insight into what he does and how it feels to others. After the event and when he is regulated again he is very remorseful. We both have therapists and things are improving but its a sad day when this is an improvement.

[Surnia]

So sorry to hear this, HAH.

Going through times where our SO are very desregulated are very hard. 

So, all your boys are from your previous marriage? I would keep them out of it us much as possible. Good they are a night out.

So did I get this right, he is not living anymore in the same house with you?

I said I will not tolerate his aggressive and harassing behaviour towards me and that I will call the police if he does either or tries to enter the house until we agree it’s safe. I encouraged him to call his therapist or the acute mental health team for support.

I think you really did the right thing so far.

Please stay in touch, HAH, we are here for you.

[HoldingAHurricane]

We live together but I implemented a boundary earlier in the year about protecting safety in the house. I called the police and changed the locks at the time and it seemed to help embed in his mind that I was serious. Once he was well regulated he thanked me for being firm although he was considerably less appreciative at the time.

I'm not sure I will ever understand it but he keeps a lid on things while my sons (both from my previous marriage) are home and his conduct with them has been exemplary. But I do worry he will text them strange messages which he hasn't before but still... .

After being clear I would call the police if he bought the crazy train behaviour home with him he stopped and by the time he got home he was balanced again. I never got to the bottom of his insistence around the boys contact details though. I didn't provide them and he didn't continue to ask so I let it drop for now. Its likely to come up again because I can see there is some issue, in his mind at least.       

Its very stressful when he gets in that frame of mind and sometimes just coming here and saying things out loud helps. Thanks

[Surnia]

       

Its very stressful when he gets in that frame of mind and sometimes just coming here and saying things out loud helps. Thanks

O yes, I can so relate with this. 

I think you are doing a great job with boundaries.