I Do What I Want.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm in day 9 of minimal contact with the STBX uBPDw. After 7 months of engaging with her this is the first time I've really put an effort in trying to move beyond her and live for myself. It feels great!

I told her 9 days ago to only communicate about kids and threw an e-mail address that I opened that's for that's just for the kids. She didn't say anything which I suspected, she's good at silent treatments.

Day 6 I noticed that she was walking around my property with the other man's sister and her kids with my kids. I could see that she was looking over at my place. She didn't have to come around where I live to go for a walk with the kids and she avoids me and where I live.

Day 8 which was last night she called, I let it go to voice mail. For 7 months she has alienated the kids from me as much as possible and was talking in a nice tone and asking if I would go to boyscout camp with my son the next weekend. Previously that day I had removed myself from FB, Twitter and Google+. It might be a co-incidence.

For 7 months she has avoided me, blames me, guilts me and alienates me from the kids.

I'm still new, I'm on Chapter 4 of "Walking on Eggshells" I just got the book a few days ago. I can only read up on it so much, because I find it draining and difficult to read because of the experiences with the STBX.

My theory is that she came around my place to see if I'm still there, maybe she thinks that I have a new girlfriend? She's reaching out insidiously to see if I'm still available for emotional validation while she's with POSOM.

I did reiterate that to not call my cellphone unless it's an emergency for the kids and to forward anything for the kids to the gmail address I opened separately from my personal account. She replied back and said "I do what I want". So I re-enforced the boundary further and said voice-mails that are left won't be responded to and to email me.

I had a couple of days where I felt depressed and found myself ruminating about her affair, but in general, I feel better with minimal contact, I don't feel on edge all of the time... .I feel positive.

[Mutt]

I'm in day 9 of minimal contact with the STBX uBPDw. After 7 months of engaging with her this is the first time I've really put an effort in trying to move beyond her and live for myself. It feels great!

I told her 9 days ago to only communicate about kids and threw an e-mail address that I opened that's for that's just for the kids. She didn't say anything which I suspected, she's good at silent treatments.

Day 6 I noticed that she was walking around my property with the other man's sister and her kids with my kids. I could see that she was looking over at my place. She didn't have to come around where I live to go for a walk with the kids and she avoids me and where I live.

Day 8 which was last night she called, I let it go to voice mail. For 7 months she has alienated the kids from me as much as possible and was talking in a nice tone and asking if I would go to boyscout camp with my son the next weekend. Previously that day I had removed myself from FB, Twitter and Google+. It might be a co-incidence.

For 7 months she has avoided me, blames me, guilts me and alienates me from the kids.

I'm still new, I'm on Chapter 4 of "Walking on Eggshells" I just got the book a few days ago. I can only read up on it so much, because I find it draining and difficult to read because of the experiences with the STBX.

My theory is that she came around my place to see if I'm still there, maybe she thinks that I have a new girlfriend? She's reaching out insidiously to see if I'm still available for emotional validation while she's with POSOM.

I did reiterate that to not call my cellphone unless it's an emergency for the kids and to forward anything for the kids to the gmail address I opened separately from my personal account. She replied back and said "I do what I want". So I re-enforced the boundary further and said voice-mails that are left won't be responded to and to email me.

I had a couple of days where I felt depressed and found myself ruminating about her affair, but in general, I feel better with minimal contact, I don't feel on edge all of the time... .I feel positive.

[livednlearned]

Communication that just focuses on the kids = good. 

You know about extinction bursts, right? Maybe something is starting to brew.

[Mutt]

Communication that just focuses on the kids = good. 

You know about extinction bursts, right? Maybe something is starting to brew.

No I didn't know about extinction bursts. Thanks for the response. I found this thread and the yt link helped explain it. Things get worst before they get better by not re-enforcing a bad behavior. Thanks you so much livednlearned.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

[Mutt]

I found this online. It explains "extinction bursts" quite clearly.

How to stay on the path when a loved one has Borderline Personality Disorder

Life is a journey. Sometimes we have a specific destination in mind - sometimes we are just enjoying the passing scenery. When we are trying to get somewhere, it’s important to maintain our focus on what our objectives are. This can become difficult if the person traveling with us has Borderline Personality Disorder. Due to their extreme defence mechanisms and twisted thought processes, they tend to wander off the path quite frequently. Their internal struggles create confusion inside them, and in an instant they veer off the path into dangerous and hurtful territory. Due to our compassion and love for them (a core feature of our nature), we feel compelled to chase after them in an effort to guide them back to the path. Through this chase, we wind up changing our purpose from moving forward in a healthy fashion, to becoming lost and stuck in defending and justifying ourselves instead. Sadly, this tends to ensure that we both wind up lost in the wilderness, sometimes never finding our way back to the path we started from. Allowing them to lure us off our chosen path leads to anxiety, abuse, and dysfunction, and rarely solves the issues we are facing. Breaking this pattern isn’t easy, yet it is the first step in developing a healthier relationship. Taking care of ourselves requires what feels like a selfish focus. Our loved ones aren’t mentally fit to be leading us around. As the mentally healthy ones, it’s important that we remember our goals. Prior experience has shown us that our efforts to bring them back to the path are rarely successful anyways, and often end up making things worse.

When the person with BPD wanders off the path - here is how to change the pattern -don’t chase after them. Stop for a moment and take a deep breath. Shut out the noise they are making to lure you further away from the path. Close your eyes and try to bring up your destination and goals. Once you’ve stopped your racing thoughts you are blocking the pressure they are putting on you, so you can evaluate things more clearly. Then ask yourself if following them into the wilderness has any chance of success. Evaluate if what they are saying is logical or if it has any bearing on your current journey. Is it a distraction and delay tactic? Does it need to be handled right now or can the issue wait to be resolved later? It’s not easy to block out their distraction and pleas for your attention, yet it is only with that critical pause that you can really notice how you are moving in the wrong direction, away from your goals.

When they don’t get the expected response from you, they will realise that they are traveling by themselves, which will initially confuse them, since up till now we’ve always joined them. To maintain their own equilibrium and to feel like they are still in control, often they will call out to you from the wilderness, trying to lure you into joining them. If you don’t respond to their baiting you, they will change tactics and use anger as a way to scare you into joining them in the wilderness. Faced with your apparent determination to stay on the path, this is where some Borderline Personality Sufferers will start to behave in ways that are evil and mean as they work to sabotage your goals and your determination in whatever fashion they can; threats, violence, destruction, intimidation, name calling, belittling, promises of withholding necessary things, retaliation, or any other painful thing they can think of to get you to join them in the wilderness. This is what we call the classic extinction burst. Things get worse before they get better.

At this point, each of you have different objectives. Their goal is to sidetrack you into joining them in dysregulation. Yours needs to be to stay focused on what your goals are, no matter how tempted you are to join them.

Remember - the first time you do this, your loved one probably won’t join you, no matter how long you wait or how patient you are. They will be determined to stay in the wilderness and wander, just to hurt and punish you. That is OK, as long as you expect it and are prepared for it. Try to keep in mind while they won’t like being alone, that it is a necessary thing for them to experience. It is what will bring on the opportunity for change.

We each have a journey here. We can no longer allow them to lead us astray. In time, if we stay committed to our goals, their journeys into the wilderness will be shorter and less frequent, as they adjust to the fact that we are staying on the path. We won’t be subjecting ourselves to as much pain, since we won’t be lost in the wilderness either. All of this is possible, “if” we make the commitment to stay true to our goals. If we understand that stepping off the path is unhealthy and makes things worse, not better.

United for now

[livednlearned]

Stop for a moment and take a deep breath. Shut out the noise they are making to lure you further away from the path. Close your eyes and try to bring up your destination and goals. Once you’ve stopped your racing thoughts you are blocking the pressure they are putting on you, so you can evaluate things more clearly. Then ask yourself if following them into the wilderness has any chance of success. Evaluate if what they are saying is logical or if it has any bearing on your current journey. Is it a distraction and delay tactic? Does it need to be handled right now or can the issue wait to be resolved later? It’s not easy to block out their distraction and pleas for your attention, yet it is only with that critical pause that you can really notice how you are moving in the wrong direction, away from your goals.

That is excellent advice. I could have saved myself a decade of trauma if I knew then what I know now. Thanks for posting this -- really good explanation of extinction bursts and how to manage them (or ourselves).

[Mutt]

Your welcome livednlearned and I can't tell you how much I appreciate the response and bringing attention to "extinction bursts"   It makes so much  sense and your quote is really good advise.

Breaking this pattern isn’t easy, yet it is the first step in developing a healthier relationship. Taking care of ourselves requires what feels like a selfish focus. Our loved ones aren’t mentally fit to be leading us around. As the mentally healthy ones, it’s important that we remember our goals

I didn't realize this, but I was letting her lead for so many years.

[livednlearned]

Your welcome livednlearned and I can't tell you how much I appreciate the response and bringing attention to "extinction bursts"   It makes so much  sense and your quote is really good advise.

Breaking this pattern isn’t easy, yet it is the first step in developing a healthier relationship. Taking care of ourselves requires what feels like a selfish focus. Our loved ones aren’t mentally fit to be leading us around. As the mentally healthy ones, it’s important that we remember our goals

I didn't realize this, but I was letting her lead for so many years.

I had heard something about "selfish focus" a year back, and that really helped me move forward. I decided that when I felt "selfish" I was actually feeling "healthy." It's good advice for people who think letting others lead (no matter how cruel they are) is normal.

[Mutt]

I had heard something about "selfish focus" a year back, and that really helped me move forward. I decided that when I felt "selfish" I was actually feeling "healthy." It's good advice for people who think letting others lead (no matter how cruel they are) is normal.

That's something I went through with my T recently. I said it's time for me to be selfish and focus on me and she reiterated that it's not selfish.

It's tough to break this cycle but to improve myself and really, why should I chase her in the woods anymore?

Disengaging is the best thing for both of us to do, but she's in another relationship, so it would apply in the sense that I wouldn't be a source for soothing.

[livednlearned]

Also -- just want to point out that you had a hunch about her behavior (sensing that your NC boundaries were ratcheting up her behavior), and you responded in an assertive, to-the-point way.

[Mutt]

Thank you! 

[confusedhubby]

Hang in there Mutt.

Your friends on the boards are praying for you.

You will overcome the harm she has inflicted on you.

[Mutt]

Hang in there Mutt.

Your friends on the boards are praying for you.

You will overcome the harm she has inflicted on you.

Thanks guys!

I'm grateful to all of my friends on these boards for the support that they give.

I'm glad that I landed here on bpdfamily, it truly has been a lifesaver.

[DreamGirl]

So I just want to point out that the author of that excerpt is our own advisor, United for Now.

Here's the link to her original post:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128184.msg1260850#msg1260850

[Mutt]

So I just want to point out that the author of that excerpt is our own advisor, United for Now.

Here's the link to her original post:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128184.msg1260850#msg1260850

I've bumped the thread. The piece is too good and I'd like to have others have a chance to read it.

[livednlearned]

So I just want to point out that the author of that excerpt is our own advisor, United for Now.

Here's the link to her original post:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128184.msg1260850#msg1260850

I've bumped the thread. The piece is too good and I'd like to have others have a chance to read it.

You know what's funny? I was over here thinking about extinction bursts in your context. Meanwhile, I was wondering what to do about N/BPDx after he sent a weird email, not realizing his behavior is an example of a mini extinction burst.

We should probably bump the thread once a week