Would you leave if there were no other connections between you?

[frustrated b/f]

I'm about 25 days into NC from my uBPD g/f and it has been tough at times. However, I find myself imagining how much more difficult it would be if we shared; kids, marriage, house/car notes, or even cell phone plans.

My ex and I were together for five years and we didn't have so much as a NetFlix account together, everything was separate! This was a major concern of mine while we were dating, however I think it may have been a blessing in disguise, because it allowed me to be able to truly walk away with no immediate consequences.

If you didn't have shared responsibilities with your S/O, would you still be contemplating on leaving or not?

[wishfulthinking]

I'd be gone. As much as I love him, I can't take it anymore. I'm trying to detach or make him want to leave as I'm the owner of the house and he moved in with me. Uses my SUV, pays no bills... .

[SweetCharlotte]

Though married we share no belongings (long-distance r/s). My kids are from before and they're not attached to him. I pay higher taxes being married to him and the meager boost I get from health care benefits does not make up for it.

So I am emotionally attached and that's why I'm still in it.

[Cipher13]

Thankfully no kids. But yes it would be much easier to leave if there were no joint bank accounts, loans, mortage, cars, cell phone plans, insurance, health benefits. Then the ever larger and looming "guilt". My wife makes better $ now. We make about the same. Due to insurance plans and retirement plans she brings home more than me per month as her pay check doesn't have these deducted. 

There is a limit though where it doesn't matter it just needs to happen. These things just make it so much more difficult.

[Vindi]

yes, its much easier to separate, you've gone NC this long, keep holding on.

Me & my bf have no shared anything, bank accts, cell phones, no kids together, etc... .its just the economy is tough and we pay for our own "stuff" with our own money, yet we do pitch in together to buy things or take one another out.

Try to stay strong thru this NC!

[Evalon]

Yes, I wish I had realized what was really going on before we had three kids, a house, cars, investments, and everything else.  I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 20 and I did not have the self-confidence to realize that what he told me about me was not true.  I believed that if I became a better person, he would be on my side.  It has still not happened and I continue to be his emotional punching bag.  I see people on these boards who have no kids and I just wish they would get out and take care of themselves.  It will only get more difficult and the kids will end up suffering too.  If you get out, you give yourself a chance to have a better life. I wish my 20-year-old or 25-year-old self had had the courage to do that.

[The Mrs]

I am 25 years married into this, and lived together a year before that.  I saw the red flags the first week I met this charming, entrepreneur who swept me off my feet and told me everything I had been waiting to hear.  The mixed messages, the emotional degradation, the verbal abuse, the push-pull soon followed.  At 24, however, I had put my educational pursuits on hold (I had just gotten my Masters and was in pursuit of my Ph.D.) and took over full time care of his 4 and 6 year old daughters who he had primary custody of.  Two years later we ad a daughter of our own.  Fast forward 25 years later, and I am completely removed and isolated from my friends and family we have moved out of state but he/we have made lots of money, have a big house and that should equal happiness-- but behind closed doors he rages, belittles, and scrutinizes every penny that is spent.

Six weeks ago I had enough and I left.  I moved out without any advance notice.  I started taking things out if the house to another location.  I felt sneaky and deceptive at first, but he made it clear " I wasn't f'ing going nowhere".  He doesn't know where I am living.  I have seen him at our house as my intent has been that he needs to seek treatment for substance abuse and a suspected bipolar disorder ( it runs in his family).  On top of that, I have been seeing a counselor who has also seen him a few times who believes he is BPD. 

So, after all that long winded backstory, if there were none of the other "ties" that bind us and I knew then what I know now, I would pray for the courage to run, to run and to never look back.   Life is too short, and you are too precious.

[Evalon]

The Mrs, your story sounds very similar to mine.  I admire you for leaving.  Would you mind sharing how you planned your exit?  Did you set up a separate bank account? Are you working?  I am a stay-at-home mom with three little kids (and a law degree - how ironic?) but all our finances are joined and controlled by him.  I am very far from family and friends.

Hugs and good luck to you .

[Samuel S.]

I would be gone in a flash. My BPDw convinced me that she was the right one. Then, she slowly but surely degraded everyone around me and including me. She said that she did all she did to "survive". When I told her she was being a fake, she didn't have any reply to that at all. She told me that during our intimate times, that she felt she was my "daughter", that she felt "obligated". When I was in the hospital, she told me she was interested in how much it would cost for me to be in there. By the way, it was due to blood clots. Thus, for my own protection, I had to be in the hospital. And also by the way, since I have 3 insurance policies, I didn't incur any costs whatsoever. When I was at a legal stop in my car, a young lady hit me, causing some damage to my car, but causing a lot of discomfort for me physically. My BPDw told me I caused the accident due to my bad attitude. By the way, I was feeling fine and positive, and my BPDw hasn't even been around to know how I feel in the first place. Now that she has "found out" who she is and now that she has degraded me to the core, she is pursuing her second career while working and complaining at the same time about everything. Sorry for the lengthy explanation, but you are much, much better off, if your ex is an ex! Hopefully, you'll find someone more deserving and worthy of your love and trust. I just hope to be able to do the same.  :'(

[The Mrs]

Evalon, I had wanted to go, many times, when our 3 girls were small but didnt/couldn't.  For starters, the two older girls(who I raised since they were 4 and 6) I had no biological or legal rights to and I couldn't imagine leaving them.  I also couldn't imagine sharing any kind of visitation or custody with our "made from scratch" daughter, on a go forward basis.  My husband owned his own business and we are quite well off financially, so I pretty much knew it would be an uphill battle demonstrating any kind of abuse.  When my husband chooses to turn it on, for public consumption, he can be quite charming.  It's the rants and rages that happen behind closed doors that are so devastating and debilitating.

To answer your question, no I did not open a separate bank account.  I do not want any record, at this point.  I am telling him I am in a safe place with the hopes that he will seek treatment.  I am dealing strictly in cash (the landlord loves this and as it turns out she is a retired divorce attorney!).  We had a small amount of emergency money and I took some of that, I had done some part time work a couple of years ago and was paid in cash, I took some purses and jewelry that I had to a consignment store and sold them, I had been doing all of our bank deposits and I did take some cash back, etc.  i had kept a credit card from before we were married ( he cut up all my others) but I refused to give up this one.  So if I need to make a credit card payment, I get a bank check or money order.  I can also pay my electric bill at the grocery store with cash.  I also started taking small things out of the house, a little bit at a time, but things that I didn't want to have to purchase right away--cleaning products, toiletries, food, kitchen items, winter clothes, bedding, boots, lotsa candles and self help books, etc.  what I didn't think to take and I needed a tape measure, screw driver, hammer (for building all that cheap "some assembly required" furniture!), flashlight (in case the power goes out), leaf rake, and snow shovel--man crap is expensive and you would much rather be spending your $$ on a pedicure or something to lift your spirits and pamper your self a bit!

Now that I am gone, he is scrutinizing our joint bank accounts like a hawk.  He has accused me of fraud and theft and all kinds of heinous and untrue things.  Legally, you and I are entitled to half of what is in a joint  bank account (in a community property state).  I have been advised to take enough monies from our joint accounts to live on for 6-8 months while he either seeks treatment and we work on things or one of us files for divorce and we move forward in that process.  I am just so fearful to make that kind of a bank withdrawal.  I have already found myself conducting myself in ways that are so inconsistent with who I am, taking that kind of money, even though it is "technically" mine would just feel over the top.

You are stronger than you realize.