30 days of NC, reciveed letter w/ no return address yesterday

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Background

five year on/off relationship w/ uUPD g/f, four of which she was married/seperated, the last year of our relationship we finally were able to move in together, then the sh!t storm began. 8 months later I moved out, been on my own for six months, decided to end the relationship for obvious lack of growth potential and inability to communicate. N/C for the past 30 days except some correspondences about her hospice mother and other un-returned contact initiations.

Yesterday

Then yesterday i see the handwritten envelope addressed to me w/ no return address. I immediately know this can't be good. Not too many people have my new address for one. I initially opened it, briefly scanned the two page typed document to identify the sender. Read something about her speaking to several married couples about her inability to communicate and a bullet list of other things. It looked like an apology and a list of things done to me.

What should I do?

I didn't read it, i put it back in the envelope. My question(s) to the board are, Should I read it? Should I react? A part of me thought I owe her that much to hear her out, and another part says she had plenty of time to address these issues. She always willing to do ANYTHING to fix it once I leave, but does nothing while I'm there. We've had several recycles.

I was feeling strong up until yesterday. Any input would be greatly appreciated!

[frustrated b/f]

Background

five year on/off relationship w/ uUPD g/f, four of which she was married/seperated, the last year of our relationship we finally were able to move in together, then the sh!t storm began. 8 months later I moved out, been on my own for six months, decided to end the relationship for obvious lack of growth potential and inability to communicate. N/C for the past 30 days except some correspondences about her hospice mother and other un-returned contact initiations.

Yesterday

Then yesterday i see the handwritten envelope addressed to me w/ no return address. I immediately know this can't be good. Not too many people have my new address for one. I initially opened it, briefly scanned the two page typed document to identify the sender. Read something about her speaking to several married couples about her inability to communicate and a bullet list of other things. It looked like an apology and a list of things done to me.

What should I do?

I didn't read it, i put it back in the envelope. My question(s) to the board are, Should I read it? Should I react? A part of me thought I owe her that much to hear her out, and another part says she had plenty of time to address these issues. She always willing to do ANYTHING to fix it once I leave, but does nothing while I'm there. We've had several recycles.

I was feeling strong up until yesterday. Any input would be greatly appreciated!

[seeking balance]

Should I read it? Should I react?

What could the letter say that would change the trajectory of this relationship?

[Ironmanrises]

She is attempting to recycle.

If you engage in the attempt... .

She will only hurt you again.

[frustrated b/f]

Should I read it? Should I react?

What could the letter say that would change the trajectory of this relationship?

Not much, I would eventually like to hear an acknowledgement that five years of my life has been stalled out by her inability to communicate and follow through. But words won't do anything, I believe it's too late. . . . I don't think I'm going to read it

[Learning_curve74]

Probably the wisest thing is to answer seeking balance's question first.

Do you have a really close friend who knows all about the BPD relationship? If he/she totally understands the relationship you two had, and you have total trust in this friend, you could ask him/her to read the letter and decide to tell what might be relevant or to tell you to read it yourself or to throw it away unread.

I'm not saying this is the best thing to do, but it is a possible option depending on how far along in your detachment and healing you are.

[frustrated b/f]

I wish, unfortunately NO ONE knows about the internal BPD woes of our relationship. This was one of the hardest things to cope with. Everyone thought we had the most perfect relationship on the outside and thought I was nuts for wanting to move on. :=(

[Lucky Jim]

Hey frustrated, If you are expecting an apology, or even an acknowledgement of her role in the breakup, don't hold your breath.  More likely, the letter is an attempt to give you a guilt trip by listing all the things you did wrong, with a little fear or obligation thrown in to complete the FOG.  In my view, She's trying to get under your skin, as if you didn't know that already.  Lucky Jim

[mannaguy]

No matter if its an apology or blamefest

My guess would be its a 'recycle'.

Yes I got half wit diluted apologies after

Leaving - after being abused(all manners)... .

But during the day to day of the RS she barely

Tried.

We had 3 month break up & she got through

To me with hooks.

I was still in love but healing.

1 1/2 later it went on & on.

I wish I'd been stronger & said a big NO!

[rollercoaster24]

Hi frustrated b/f

Do like you decided, don't respond.

I had the same thing, only unlike you, I was dumped! (well actually, it was more like horrible verbal abuse, and being told to F**K OFF, simply because I refused to listen to his verbally abusive denigrations of both his parents, and my daughter and her fiance', (yet again).

This was on the 13/8, and he has given me the silent treatment since, apart from a newspaper article he sent me on the 8/9.

I like you, knew it was from my ex the moment I saw the envelope. But in my case, I failed, and sent a couple of texts to say Thanks, but also that it was pretty confusing to be sent this after being treated like I don't exist for that past month.

I then sent an email, the following morning, ex ignored both of them, although I have had numerous hang up calls that come and go since I last heard from him. I have also had him prowling around at night on one occasion too.

Odd behaviour indeed, but what I can expect from a mentally ill person, I just found that in the good times, I would forget a lot of the bad times, infact it was so good it seemed impossible to remind myself that the bad times ever existed! But this is all part of the toxic crap they put us through, our hope never dies, and even after the end, we go on hoping for a long time in vain.

I cannot wait for the day that the hope dies. I feel it is starting to, and that is great and heartbreakingly sad all at the same time.

Regards

Roller

[Clearmind]

If I was to put myself in your shoes, out of the relationship for 6 months and 30 days NC - and I read that letter - regardless of what was in it I would be triggered.

I guess the quest here is to process why we feel triggered and how do we develop some good coping skills to deal with contact.

What's your fear? That you read it and want to get back with her?

[frustrated b/f]

What's your fear? That you read it and want to get back with her?

Simply put, yes!

I fear that the letter will say everything I've been waiting to hear and I will justify trying to work it out. I feel guilty for not reading it. She has done a lot for me over the years, and somehow I feel I at least owe her to hear her out.