Is this common BPD Behaviour?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My Ex Undiagnosed BPD Partner of 1.5 years literally threw me out of the house.  We had been "having problems" for a few weeks that we were going to work on... .we agreed for me to my mum's for five days to give us some space... .two days after i got there he rang me saying i wasn't coming back, that he was changing the locks, that i'm abusive... .and proceeded to bring up every little thing that had happened in our relationship (that i thought we had sorted through at the time) that I had apparently done to abuse him... .and he was saying things like "i'm not afraid of you anymore".  Um what?

I thought he loved me... .he had only been telling me a week prior to this how much he loved me... .he had also been going on about me to friends of mine.

He wouldn't let me back in the house, didn't care where i went, and organised to have my possessions delivered to an address of my choice a week later.  He gave me NOTHING of the furniture... only the stuff i had left.  I had sold all my furniture to move in with him, but it didn't matter.  It also didn't matter that i had nowhere to go, with no notice i was out on the street.

He then proceeded to delete and block me on Facebook, and over the past month I have noticed that all his family and friends have done the same thing.

I still to this moment have NO IDEA what I apparently did... .he just turned on me over a matter of weeks, and looking at his family's response... .has poisioned my name as well.

Anybody else relate?

[EnigmaSoul]

My Ex Undiagnosed BPD Partner of 1.5 years literally threw me out of the house.  We had been "having problems" for a few weeks that we were going to work on... .we agreed for me to my mum's for five days to give us some space... .two days after i got there he rang me saying i wasn't coming back, that he was changing the locks, that i'm abusive... .and proceeded to bring up every little thing that had happened in our relationship (that i thought we had sorted through at the time) that I had apparently done to abuse him... .and he was saying things like "i'm not afraid of you anymore".  Um what?

I thought he loved me... .he had only been telling me a week prior to this how much he loved me... .he had also been going on about me to friends of mine.

He wouldn't let me back in the house, didn't care where i went, and organised to have my possessions delivered to an address of my choice a week later.  He gave me NOTHING of the furniture... only the stuff i had left.  I had sold all my furniture to move in with him, but it didn't matter.  It also didn't matter that i had nowhere to go, with no notice i was out on the street.

He then proceeded to delete and block me on Facebook, and over the past month I have noticed that all his family and friends have done the same thing.

I still to this moment have NO IDEA what I apparently did... .he just turned on me over a matter of weeks, and looking at his family's response... .has poisioned my name as well.

Anybody else relate?

[letmeout]

That sounds like typical BPD projecting, and in his mind he has convinced himself that you were abusive. I also suspect he may have found a replacement before you ever went to visit your mum.  Be grateful that you are out of the relationship, recover and move on. Don't look back.

[EnigmaSoul]

That sounds like typical BPD projecting, and in his mind he has convinced himself that you were abusive. I also suspect he may have found a replacement before you ever went to visit your mum.  Be grateful that you are out of the relationship, recover and move on. Don't look back.

Yes I suspect it too as well.  It wouldn't be common for them to leave without a potential replacement... .is that correct?  It literally went from fine to tense over a two week period (and I couldn't work out why) and then I was literally OUT. 

[Aussie0zborn]

Sorry to hear you went through this. People with BPD love the way you make them feel about themselves - and that's about all they love.

You will never have any idea what you did because you probably didn't do anything at all to create this situation. Read as much about BPD here as you can and and understand that it is all him and not you. You can't change the way he thinks or feels.

Do you think you can nurture him and "fix" him? Don't fool yourself and don't get fooled with any recycling attempt. You will be wise to cut your losses and run as fast as you can. And dont look back.

[Ironmanrises]

Yes.

Projection and the abrupt cut off.

Reversal in position.

Stay NC.

[wrigley52]

I think all of us here can write the same story. Mine was going to move back in with his mom because he said she was sick and needed to take care of her... .lie number 1 then his wages got garnished and said he needed to save money for a car his truck got repo'd lie 2. I figure he would of moved there and then broke up with me, but I found a secret cell phone to his girlfriend and kicked him out... .so I messed up his plan... .now he is saying I was crazy... .LOL I don't think so I think I was smart LOL... .Hang in there we all have days we miss them but then we remember how awful it really was... .

Wrigley

[blurry]

 You literally just described my life the past year. Losing track of how many times I've moved and how many jobs I've had in the past year. I know exactly, I mean exactly what you're going through, I could of wrote that post myself many times.

[ZigofZag]

Ah yes, the old, "you have been damaging/abusing" me line, or... ."it's because of you, you make me feel this way"

"It's all your fault"

Heard all these each time she was walking out of the door to tell her family how nasty I was.

I feel for you, we sit and scratch our heads thinking "what just happened there?"

Sigh, oh those crazy, crazy times of abuse,smashed possessions and battered emotions!

Move on, you have just escaped. It may be the nicest thing he will ever do for you. As has been mentioned, he probably has someone else lined up. Don't take any of it personally, you are OK.

Be aware, given time he will want you back to screw up your head every now and again.

I also recommend that you stay NC and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

Welcome to the world of the free  

[blurry]

 Oh, I've been told she has to protect her kids from me. Mind you I've never disrespected her kids in any way shape or form, other than anything inadvertantly from being involved with their mom. The ultimate form of projection on her part. That's one of the ways I can justify trying to disconnect now. In the kids eyes, moms perfect and I know ultimately, I'm guilty by association.

That's when BPD becomes dangerous, when they start throwing abuse lables around so casually. But the innuendo is way to serious even, to take lightly.

She was "protecting" her kids from me in june, then married and moved in with me in july. She always claims afterwards, that she was just trying to push me away, by saying those things. Well guess what, next time she says that, I'm gonna assure her she succeeded in pushing me away this time.

Those kids actually need someone to protect them from their mom:/

[lisasport]

Mines kicked me out ten times changed the locks ten times. Blocked me ovet 40 times. Dumped me for no reason while cheating on me for two years. Yes its all what BPD do.

[GlennT]

They are frauds to themselves and others. Masters of cognitive dissonance and manipulation, backstabbers with paranoid or distorted opinions about themselves and others. Their ties to others they love are just empty trauma and dominance bonds. They are incapable of real love. Because love is the greatest force in this world, your mind will still want to absorb the fantasy, the seduction, the honeymoon, and the huge investment in it all, in spite of everything done to you, and what you've witnessed. But through time, NC, and knowledge, this illusion of  Bpd psychopathological love, will dissolve.

[Learning_curve74]

EnigmaSoul, sorry to hear how quickly your partner dropped you. Many other people have experienced the same confusing seemingly out-of-nowhere dumping from their pwBPD. Separating from him, even a planned separation, probably triggered his intense fears of abandonment. Instead of being able to ride it out, often a pwBPD feels they are already abandoned and respond as if you did it to them and feel that you treated them poorly.

Because of their black and white thinking and splitting, they see you as totally bad and the one who caused all the pain. This is also why they are confusing to us nons  because they will place all the blame on us, taking no responsibility themselves. To back it up, they also engage in the "smear campaign" to make you not only the bad guy in their own mind but in all your friends' and family's minds. To them, their feelings are facts. That is why it can sometimes be impossible to discuss things with them logically.

BPD seriously affects all their close personal relationships. The closer and more intimate a pwBPD gets with you, the more fearful they get and the more they want to push you away. They always end up hurting the people closest to them the most which ironically keeps them in the same cycle of "abandonment" they so fear.

EnigmaSoul, you have been separated for a month now? Has there been anymore contact from him?

[GreenMango]

Enigmasoul you mentioned some problems going on before.  What type of problems?

[EnigmaSoul]

EnigmaSoul, sorry to hear how quickly your partner dropped you. Many other people have experienced the same confusing seemingly out-of-nowhere dumping from their pwBPD. Separating from him, even a planned separation, probably triggered his intense fears of abandonment. Instead of being able to ride it out, often a pwBPD feels they are already abandoned and respond as if you did it to them and feel that you treated them poorly.

Because of their black and white thinking and splitting, they see you as totally bad and the one who caused all the pain. This is also why they are confusing to us nons  because they will place all the blame on us, taking no responsibility themselves. To back it up, they also engage in the "smear campaign" to make you not only the bad guy in their own mind but in all your friends' and family's minds. To them, their feelings are facts. That is why it can sometimes be impossible to discuss things with them logically.

BPD seriously affects all their close personal relationships. The closer and more intimate a pwBPD gets with you, the more fearful they get and the more they want to push you away. They always end up hurting the people closest to them the most which ironically keeps them in the same cycle of "abandonment" they so fear.

EnigmaSoul, you have been separated for a month now? Has there been anymore contact from him?

Thank you so much - all these responses... .and particularly this one are just so helpful.  When you first go through this I think you repeatedly need to hear the same thing over and over again. 

The most difficult thing for me now is knowing where to place this relationship emotionally... .do I write the whole thing off all together?  Do I have to rewrite my memories with him?  To except that he never really loved me because he's incapable of it is incredibly difficult.  But I can see in time and with therapy and thank goodness, having this forum... .in order to heal I simply will have to do that.

In response to the question about the problems we were having... .I really don't know! We were either really amazing together or suddenly we would have an AWFUL fight... .half the time i'm not really sure how they started.  In retrospect it was almost like he would be in a particular place emotionally and it would set him off so he would start a row to back it up.

One of the final triggers for him I think was my business.  For a while ive struggled, but he did a spreadsheet for me and to our mutual surprize, by mid 2014 I will be ahead, and quite successful.  I could pick up straight away something about that really unnerved him... .shook him to the core. 

Also - a lot of our problems were around the fact that he has a 15 year old daughter from a previous marriage and integrating that was difficult.  The hard part was of course that initially I could do no wrong, but then it suddenly shifted at the end, and then all of a sudden I was a DANGER TO HIS DAUGHTER.  That was incredibly shocking and unfair, and it's what I fear has been painted on me to his family and friends.  That was abusing his daughter or something which I absolutely wasn't.

But I can see it's all part of the disorder.  So emotionally difficult to deal with - but I imagine once I'm through this... ill be a much stronger person. 

[EnigmaSoul]

Oh and have I heard from him after a month of no contact?  No, nothing.  To be honest, I would be surprized if I did.

Something interesting... .before me he was married to his wife for 15 years.  And hadn't left her. 

Having said that they didnt have a good relationship, they weren't affectionate or close, they almost coexisted.  Perhaps that's why his fear of abandonment was never triggered?

[EnigmaSoul]

It's the injustice that really gets to me now I think about it.  It's so unjust how I was treated, and how he has gone around bad mouthing me to everyone I know. 

I know it's the disorder... .it's just so unfair. 

[ScotisGone74]

Try your best to not take the behavior personal as difficult as that can be really, we can't help but to take it personally because we loved them.     In the very end of my R/S with the exBPD she was spewing vitriole at me blaming me for 'Abandoning' her, saying that she would not do the same to me, that she would still be my "friend" as she got engaged, then married within weeks of throwing me in a ditch.     In their Disordered minds they see us as 'Bad' when they can't help but to see we really love them and wouldn't leave them.   They have to 'Imagine' awful slights or things we have done to them so that in their minds they can rationalize doing whatever the hell they wish without any regard to us. 

     

[letmeout]

You sure hit the nail on the head ScotisGone74. Looking back, I can recall many a time that my ex would paint me black just so he could rationalize his doing crazy stuff.

EnigmaSoul, I know it is injustice, even I had to deal with that wound myself for a while before I finally let it go.  You can't take their mental illness personally, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it.

Remember to be careful in your next relationship; we are at high risk falling for the same kind of person because that is what we were familiar with. Any future boyfriends that I have must be mentally stable, I won't accept anything less now. 

[mitchell16]

. To them, their feelings are facts. That is why it can sometimes be impossible to discuss things with them logically

From my experience yes its very common BPD behavior. and from my point of view you cna not make them understand any logic, its almots like they refuse to. Thats why what is in bold make so much sense to me I have lived and saw it first hand over and over.

her: yes, I lied but it was your fault.

her: you dont trust me. me: becuase you have lied to me over and over.

Her: yes but that your fault becuase I couldnt tell you the truth.

this conversation was in reference to her going and meeting her ex behind my back for a weekend. In a way she was right she couldnt tell me the truth becasue at that point I would have walked away from the relationship. she couldnt risk that.

If they do and thats a big if recpt responsiblity, it will change in the next hour or day or week. Mine told me in last conversations that she knew she had double standards in the relaationship to only change it 24 hours later. When she said that i that wow she might be understanding why i in a constant state of confusions because I dont have a understanding of the rules. I thought when she said that I finally got somewhere, nope it changed with in 24 hours to once again it was my fault.

The double standards by the way was. If asked her what she had for lunch or what took so long at the store or just about anything. I was to jealous, controlling, possessive fo whatever else she wnatedto label me with. But if she saw me having a conversatin with a femael co-worker, friends on facebook, text from a female friend. I was having an affair or an emotinal affair. and  no matter what, I could not reason with her at all.