Latest bizaare statement...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 She told me last week that "unlike you, I don't NEED a man in my life to be happy, you NEED a woman in your life".

This is coming from the woman who directly went from her ex, to me, to her ex, to me, to a stranger off the internet, to me, to most recently, trying to go back to her ex again, 3 weeks after marrying me. This is just the past year and a half, but its been that way for her the past 20 years prior to me getting involved with her... .

Why these things she says still seem so bizarre to me is unbelievable. Why do these statements still hurt, or at least bother me still? I know its the same as a 3 year old child saying she hates you when you tell them they can't have candy till they eat dinner, but for some reason it still bothers me. I guess its the simple fact its coming from someone I love.

[blurry]

 She told me last week that "unlike you, I don't NEED a man in my life to be happy, you NEED a woman in your life".

This is coming from the woman who directly went from her ex, to me, to her ex, to me, to a stranger off the internet, to me, to most recently, trying to go back to her ex again, 3 weeks after marrying me. This is just the past year and a half, but its been that way for her the past 20 years prior to me getting involved with her... .

Why these things she says still seem so bizarre to me is unbelievable. Why do these statements still hurt, or at least bother me still? I know its the same as a 3 year old child saying she hates you when you tell them they can't have candy till they eat dinner, but for some reason it still bothers me. I guess its the simple fact its coming from someone I love.

[ZigofZag]

Yep, you said it. We still love and care.

Soak it up and grow from the pain. It is another demonstration of how disconnected she is and how lucky you are to be self-aware.

We can all look back at unbelievable catalogues of crazy behaviour and statements. Add it to the book and move along.

Remember that you are only human, it's normal to hurt.

[eeyore]

just know you aren't alone.  I've heard so many double standards in the last few weeks it makes my head spin.  And re-writing of history.

[Reg]

Hi Blurry,

Just remember one thing, what she is saying is pure projection.  She can't bear to be alone, due to her fears of abandonment, and she is projecting her fears on you to make her feel better due to the borderline behavior... .

On the other hand, she may, unknowingly, be right as well for a part, many of us have co-dependent issues ourselves... .  Not BPD fortunately !

It is perfectly normal however that these words, coming from someone we love, can still hurt us, but we have to keep in mind, that it is not us, it is them, it is the borderline behavior.

Reg

[Ironmanrises]

She is projecting that onto you.

You know that her words are disordered.

Link that to her disorder... .

And the acceptance of it will slowly seep in.

I know it hurts hearing words like that from the person you care about.

Mine told me similar things.

Hang in there.

[bpdspell]

It's not bizarre; it's mental illness.

Parting shots are common with our ex's. Their words towards us more resonate with how they feel about themselves; which is pretty crummy. Misery loves company and they'll do anything to make your feel an ounce of their daily pain.

My ex said hurtful, mean, toxic stuff to me. It was all abusive and downright evil. Especially when he realized I was breaking the attachment to who I THOUGHT he was. He couldn't control me anymore and it triggered him even further.

In the beginning it will be difficult not to take their words personal. But they're just words. If a BPD is pointing the finger of blame at you there's three fingers pointing back at them. We really don't realize how much they are emotionally suffering on the inside due to their disorder. They feel like crap more than we know and hate themselves. It's up to us to stick to NC so we can create and commit to an emotionally healing space.

Spell

[Jbt857]

When my ex announced he was with someone new, he dropped: "yeah, she's really good to me."

Inferring, very clearly, that I wasn't. After so many, many things over the years that I'd done for him and his family. Financially, emotionally, involving putting him first at the expense of myself so many times, for the best part of a decade. At that point, despite being separated, I was still helping him out financially, with storage for his stuff etc.

It hurt like hell, and yes, I dwelled on it and it bugged me.

Now, it's my impetus for keeping NC. I don't need to be made to feel like that, especially when I know exactly how much I've done and given up for him. He's choosing to ignore it, because right now, I'm painted black, but I know the truth, and he does too, even if he won't acknowledge it. I totally believe he said it to hurt me, and for a while, he succeeded. Because I let him.

As Spell said, they are just words. What we do with them is our choice.

[Ironmanrises]

When my ex announced he was with someone new, he dropped: "yeah, she's really good to me."

Inferring, very clearly, that I wasn't. After so many, many things over the years that I'd done for him and his family. Financially, emotionally, involving putting him first at the expense of myself so many times, for the best part of a decade. At that point, despite being separated, I was still helping him out financially, with storage for his stuff etc.

It hurt like hell, and yes, I dwelled on it and it bugged me.

Now, it's my impetus for keeping NC. I don't need to be made to feel like that, especially when I know exactly how much I've done and given up for him. He's choosing to ignore it, because right now, I'm painted black, but I know the truth, and he does too, even if he won't acknowledge it. I totally believe he said it to hurt me, and for a while, he succeeded. Because I let him.

As Spell said, they are just words. What we do with them is our choice.

In bold.

I can only imagine how awful it must have felt to hear that.

What he did to you... .

His disorder has a proviso... .

That dictates he will inevitable do the same thing to her.

She probably has no idea what is in store for her.

[Jbt857]

Thanks, Ironman.

It really hurt.

But then I try and step back, and the truth is that however good she has been to him in the short time they have been together, unless she's a millionairess with no sense (unlikely) and a woman with a heart the size of a continent (also unlikely), it's just carefully aimed words, based on a few nice gestures. Gestures he's probably manipulated from her based on his distorted version of reality. A distortion I've seen over the years play out in so many situations. This is just another.

So yes, she doesn't have a clue what she's getting into. I know it won't last. Because he also told me in the same conversation about 'Ms Wonderful' that he is using her and the minute she puts any emotional demands on him, he's gone.

I'd almost feel sorry for her, except at the time she got with him, she knew we were still married and at that point, were considering reconciliation.

Right now I'm focused on trying to let the words go and focus on myself and my actions and my healing, but I think our exes have all said a catalogue of things they know will really hurt us, because that's what pushes our buttons. Reacting to it only perpetuates the cycle.

[Ironmanrises]

Thanks, Ironman.

It really hurt.

But then I try and step back, and the truth is that however good she has been to him in the short time they have been together, unless she's a millionairess with no sense (unlikely) and a woman with a heart the size of a continent (also unlikely), it's just carefully aimed words, based on a few nice gestures. Gestures he's probably manipulated from her based on his distorted version of reality. A distortion I've seen over the years play out in so many situations. This is just another.

So yes, she doesn't have a clue what she's getting into. I know it won't last. Because he also told me in the same conversation about 'Ms Wonderful' that he is using her and the minute she puts any emotional demands on him, he's gone.

I'd almost feel sorry for her, except at the time she got with him, she knew we were still married and at that point, were considering reconciliation.

Right now I'm focused on trying to let the words go and focus on myself and my actions and my healing, but I think our exes have all said a catalogue of things they know will really hurt us, because that's what pushes our buttons. Reacting to it only perpetuates the cycle.

Welcome.

I know it hurts.


In bold.

That is a start.

Healing is a slow process.


He knows how to push your buttons cause you let him inside your sacred walls.

That is how my exUBPDgf was able to push my buttons when she came back to me.

So i can relate.