Thinking About Leaving

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

No self-esteem left. I think at one point I was or could have been a good partner. I don't believe that anymore, particularly in this case. There is no recognition of the cruel things she has said and done.  I know that my interactions have not been helpful lately, but it is like the more I stay around and try to console these issues she has, and I have tried to be more empathetic and listen more lately, the worse she gets. Then I start breaking down because none of my emotional weights are acknowledged. Any sight of stress or sadness is seen as a weakness and dealt with in the usual manipulative manner. She said she has cheated (I know this to be true b/c she accuses me of it constantly), that she wants an open relationship, belittles me for everything, and then I am the worst person alive for not attending to her every whim.

I have a hefty school load this year. My dad is recovering from a stroke. And I live with this woman that no one sees for what she really is. She showed me a sympathetic letter from an acquaintance, obviously to hurt my feelings. She has missed out on several promotions and he listed off why she was appropriate for the job but they didn't recognize the talent for what it was. The skills he described: those of a psychopath. No joke. He also talked about why she is more than beautiful and blablabla. I don't know how to handle this semester if I need to move out. I feel like staying in the house will just keep me enslaved, whether we are together or not. You kind folks here warned me that moving in was a bad idea. This is what I get.

[Bulgakov]

No self-esteem left. I think at one point I was or could have been a good partner. I don't believe that anymore, particularly in this case. There is no recognition of the cruel things she has said and done.  I know that my interactions have not been helpful lately, but it is like the more I stay around and try to console these issues she has, and I have tried to be more empathetic and listen more lately, the worse she gets. Then I start breaking down because none of my emotional weights are acknowledged. Any sight of stress or sadness is seen as a weakness and dealt with in the usual manipulative manner. She said she has cheated (I know this to be true b/c she accuses me of it constantly), that she wants an open relationship, belittles me for everything, and then I am the worst person alive for not attending to her every whim.

I have a hefty school load this year. My dad is recovering from a stroke. And I live with this woman that no one sees for what she really is. She showed me a sympathetic letter from an acquaintance, obviously to hurt my feelings. She has missed out on several promotions and he listed off why she was appropriate for the job but they didn't recognize the talent for what it was. The skills he described: those of a psychopath. No joke. He also talked about why she is more than beautiful and blablabla. I don't know how to handle this semester if I need to move out. I feel like staying in the house will just keep me enslaved, whether we are together or not. You kind folks here warned me that moving in was a bad idea. This is what I get.

[Reg]

Hi Bulgakov,

Sorry to hear about your situation I know how hard it is, I've been there myself.

Nobody, but then again, nobody over here is going to judge you on the fact that you moved in and still wanted to believe or even still want to believe in this relationship.

Leaving is a very personal choice, in which I can give you very little advice.  It is not because I was not willing to continue that I will say to others to get out.  It all depends on ones very specific situation.

You have indeed two choices.  Moving out, or see if you can make things better.

However I also hear you also on the fact that you say that you don't know how to handle things at school if you have to move out.

Have you seen a therapist yourself who has a good knowledge on BPD ?  It may help you with the tools to soften things in the relationship.  In some regions you can even follow courses on the matter.

Also is she aware of herself, that is, that she is having problems ?  Has she seen a therapist ?  Is she open to the possibility of seeing one, even together ?

Hang in there ! You are not alone !

Reg

[Bulgakov]

I want to see a therapist but my time is precious lately. A prof told me the psyc dept has a cheap rate for students who want to seek therapy. I want to look into that, but pathetically cannot promise myself I will . I have inundated more than one course into my studies in the hopes that they would help with my situation. Some of it has helped. I know I need to be more validating, but lately I'm so resentful that I can't justify validating any of the horrible things she says. Just cruel. Then of course, I kind of kickstart the cycle. I'm split between feeling so so sorry for her and her perspective on life, and feeling like there is no good reason to validate and be there for someone who treats others in such a way without acknowledging it and doing something about it. There is no defending yourself, only taking it, internalizing it, and waiting for the next injection of hate and blame. It is hard not to take something personal when it comes from the mouth of an adult. I know they are not adults, mentally.

[Ironmanrises]

No self-esteem left. I think at one point I was or could have been a good partner. I don't believe that anymore, particularly in this case. There is no recognition of the cruel things she has said and done.  I know that my interactions have not been helpful lately, but it is like the more I stay around and try to console these issues she has, and I have tried to be more empathetic and listen more lately, the worse she gets. Then I start breaking down because none of my emotional weights are acknowledged. Any sight of stress or sadness is seen as a weakness and dealt with in the usual manipulative manner. She said she has cheated (I know this to be true b/c she accuses me of it constantly), that she wants an open relationship, belittles me for everything, and then I am the worst person alive for not attending to her every whim.

I have a hefty school load this year. My dad is recovering from a stroke. And I live with this woman that no one sees for what she really is. She showed me a sympathetic letter from an acquaintance, obviously to hurt my feelings. She has missed out on several promotions and he listed off why she was appropriate for the job but they didn't recognize the talent for what it was. The skills he described: those of a psychopath. No joke. He also talked about why she is more than beautiful and blablabla. I don't know how to handle this semester if I need to move out. I feel like staying in the house will just keep me enslaved, whether we are together or not. You kind folks here warned me that moving in was a bad idea. This is what I get.

In bold.

I could have written the same exact words in my 2 rounds of devaluation.

That is literally devaluation... .

Hell on earth.

Your best bet is to leave for your own well being.

Not easy at all.

I know.

I didnt have the courage to do so in my 2 rounds... .

Seeing it happen to someone else... .

Save yourself.

[Bulgakov]

It is the closeness thing. Moving in together (for the second time) has brought us closer and ever since finding the place, I can just see her pushing me further away and blowing up about anything and everything. No normal person can bounce back from such terrible arguments and accusations, but they expect us to. It has been draining me more than usual. It is amazing how I can come so close to seeing reality when things are this bad, the light at the end of the tunnel screaming "you don't have to be in this tunnel," and then once things calm down bc my threats of leaving become more real to her, I get sucked back in because I think "I can handle this for a little bit longer and not have to deal with moving out and potentially being sabotaged and socially slandered." They make ending the relationship seem terrifying. Sometimes I wish she would follow through and smash something that meant the world to me so that it would maybe help me just leave. But then I remember that she has already cracked my windshield in a fit of rage about some... .to be honest, I don't remember what she is yelling at me about most of the time. Reality fades in and out. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a different plane of existence while just looking at things outside. Things really don't seem real, physically or mentally... .I don't know. A prof of mine said this is a side effect of panic attacks and panic disorder for some people.

[Bulgakov]

Also, thank you for the responses. They make total sense to me but I find it so hard to act in what I know to be a crazy situation.

[Aussie0zborn]

The longer you take to act, the worse it gets and the healing process only takes longer than it otherwise should. What will that do to you and how will that affect your studies?

[Knowingishalf]

I read your posts and I can't help but feel your pain, I think you will find a lot of us her have been or are in a very very similar boat.  I wish I could offer real advice for your situation but the choice is an ultimately personal one, and you will need to figure that one out as best you can.  I can mirror what others have said that a Therapist may be able to help you work through some of these things.  Spend some time here reading the posts and posting, I know it has helped me so much it was the breath of fresh air that finally helped me start seeing through the fog and clawing out.  I wish you the best in your struggles, I know I came here to try to get some clarity and it has helped so so much.

[Bulgakov]

Aussie0zborn - I keep telling myself that. I have been pretty aware of my difficulties with following through as of late, but I am trying to set a deadline for myself to leave within the year if I really can't make things better. That should probably involve some emotional record keeping. I don't know if I have been more distant lately because I have been trying to end things, or if she is actually getting more stressed and difficult and it is causing me to become more distant. Maybe I forgot which somewhere along the way. As for school, it is amazing how much she doesn't respect that I would like to finish my degree before leaving anywhere. Doesn't it make sense to do so, rather than transfer?

Knowingishalf - Thanks for the well wishes and nice words. I do think you are right about a therapist, especially since I apparently have access to some cheap options. I've been reading here far more than posting. I will try to balance that out. It is good to remind myself that I share this story with others.

It still just blows my mind how crazy I feel. Like I should be swooping in and fixing everything. Like maybe a few days away from home was too long without a phone call (though I texted, signal was spotty). Like I have these evil intentions to psychologically harm her. She tells me we are done, that she wants to look into other room mates, and that she wants an open relationship if anything (after telling me she hates me), yet she is worried about me flirting with people. She can't understand that her behavior has made me too uncomfortable to have a fun conversation with a stranger outside of a few minutes time. Unreal.

[Vatz]

I myself am having a problem in getting out.

Think of it this way... .

How would your father feel if he knew you were being treated this way? What would YOU do if your son was being abused like this? Ask yourself this.

Step outside yourself and look at it through the eyes of your loved ones. Your parents, your REAL friends, your siblings even.

What would they do? What would they WANT to do?

I don't know about you, but if my son or daughter (assuming I had kids.) was being abused by a spouse I'd do anything to protect them. I'd give up my life if it meant my son or daughter could live their lives free of the pain you and I feel today.

Go stay with your father and help him out. Stay away from her.

[Knowingishalf]

Let me share a little more of my story for you, perhaps it can help you make the decision.  My life is my fault and all the struggles that comes with it are a result of my chosing to stay over and over again.  I am now 5 years in to a horrible marriage, I can't even have a conversation with her now.  I am about 20 days from taking our daughter and leaving working with a lawyer on that.  Her anger and abuse have become so out of control I have to leave with my child now to protect them from her.  I kept thinking I could be the strong one, I can fix this. Here is the truth that took this guy 10 years now to come to we dated for 5 years before marriage.  There is no amount of change you can make that will ever make them happy.  I tried, they aren't happy with themselves or the world for that matter and it has almost 0 to do with you... .  So if you can leave sadly my advice is do it it can get much much worse.  Get free get some therapy and start to enjoy life again. 

[Bulgakov]

To the above two comments:

Thanks. Thinking of how my parents, and in particular how my dad would feel right now, it definitely helps clarifying things for myself. None of them know how this is going. I think my sister definitely has an idea and my mom may know less than my sister. Some friends have an idea but respect my decision. I just have not opened up to anyone about it. But thinking about how they would think about it is a real eye opener.

Further, I do keep thinking about how this would be in the long term. She can barely handle her cats in the morning, so children are out of the question or just a scary thought for me. I am not even in a state to comfortably think about kids right now. I have noticed this relationship keeps me stunted. I am not able to grow in maturity and work towards my own goals. How could I possibly be able to plan for kids. This is just not me. I'm not who I should be right now. I think this is the time to get out. She has said to move out, so maybe I should take this opportunity seriously.

[Vatz]

To the above two comments:

This is just not me. I'm not who I should be right now. I think this is the time to get out. She has said to move out, so maybe I should take this opportunity seriously.

This is the right way of thinking. This isn't YOU. This isn't who you are.

When you walk away from this relationship, please do not ever look back. I've recycled I think four times, each time I began regretting it just a bit more. It gets worse and I can still walk away sorta clean, but not as free an clean as the first time. You get what I mean?

When you walk, do not look back. Please.