Question

[Hydroman]

My wife of 11 yrs and 3 children has BPD and bipolar.   With meds and therapy, things seem to be getting worse rather than better.  I am not decided yet whether to stay or leave but wanted to ask a question from this group.   

I have 3 children, in debt, and with a relation to a BPD-I feel I am ":)amaged Goods" anymore.  For those of you who have left your BPD-is there any hope of a normal relationship with someone after that?

I know I'm in a slump and feel I have nothing to offer someone but lots of baggage.  Currious how others have dealt with this and how things go with other relationships after BPD.  My therapist tells me things will be fine, there will be other women, there is the "right woman out there for you" and all those other cliche's.   What is it that real people are finding?

Hydroman

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Hydroman, it sounds like you are feeling pretty down. You'd think with the meds and therapy things would be better, but sometimes things get worse before they start to get better. Do a search for "extinction burst psychology" if you're not familiar with the term.

An extinction burst happens when we no longer reinforce bad behavior that is designed to get a reaction from us. When we initially stop rewarding the bad behavior with our usual reaction, the other party may ramp up the behavior in an attempt to get the desired response; basically they're trying even harder at the bad behavior to get you to respond. But eventually the behavior can die down because it no longer results in the desired outcome.

Also with bipolar it's important for the pdoc to work with your wife to get the right drugs for her. It seems different people react differently to different drugs, and it's important to get them right especially when bipolar is comorbid with BPD.

Back to your original question. I myself can't answer your question because I'm not at that point of getting involved with anybody new yet. But a good friend of mine married a man whose ex-wife was diagnosed bipolar and possibly uBPD. He was in the first marriage for over ten years, similar to you. He's been happily married to my friend for over ten years now, both very much in love.

Everybody has some baggage. I believe we can all reduce it so we're not dragged down and held back by it. Best wishes to you, Hydroman. 

[fromheeltoheal]

11 years is a long time, and my experience is it will take a while to recover from the trauma, if you experienced and were subjected to standard-issue BPD behavior.  The continuous abuse works pretty well at eroding our self esteem and confidence, if you make it matter and let it get to you because you're trying to make the relationship work, which most of us did; I was diagnosed with PTSD after, and that takes a while to resolve in our psyche.

For me it was like peeling an onion, layers and layers of stuff I didn't know was there until the layer above it had been removed; it got to the point where I was a little excited to see what's next.  But time, a focus on myself, and education on BPD, People Pleasing, rescuing, really created a growth spurt, and I'm feeling better about myself and the world than I have in a long, long time; I'm getting my mojo back, and it took what it took to get here.  The amazing woman in my future will benefit greatly from the growth, as we create a healthy, sustainable relationship, born partly out of my time in hell.