Looked At Her Emails Again (HELP)

[StandUpGuy]

Short version:  She has BPD, Bi-Polar and ADHD.  The BPD is what I see the most of.  Lying, cheating, lying about cheating, drinking, drugs, disappearing, not calling, hiding things, etc.  I saw her emails a few months back and realized her lies.  Stayed with her.  The past month was a whole month of break-up/recycle, over and over again.  I started No Contact 3 days ago, blocked her on everything.  This morning, I couldn't help it, I still have her email password and I saw that she's been uploading lots of naked pictures of herself and videos of touching herself.  I can't see if she's sent them to anyone, just that she sent them from one of her emails to another.  It kind of seems like preparation to me, like she's getting ready to slut it up to the world. 

My immediate reaction would be to text her something passive-aggressive like "Hey good work uploading all those pictures, I bet you're going to have fun now, huh?  But I know that she is thinking one of two things, either "this will make him jealous" or "I'm moving on, forget that guy".   I know I need to just stick to NC but sometimes it just feels impossible.  HELP! 

[DragoN]

Perhaps it would be of more benefit to ask yourself, Why do you Standup Guy not think more of yourself that you allow yourself to want someone of her low caliber?

What are your deal breakers in a relationship? She is showing you who and what she really is. Is that what you want in your life?

Are you not worth more than that?

[hurtbyboderline]

Just want to add something about the e-mail snooping. I started doing this stuff w/ my, as of today , EX BPDGF & it's no way to live. It'll drive you crazy & with me it got totally out of control. Spy programs, GPS's, getting a phone number/e-mail address so close to one of her ex's that she though it was him when I texted/emailed, etc. I totally obsessed on it. Spent all day, day after day tracking her when she was out of town... .If your with someone that you need to watch, you shouldn't be with them. I'd draw a 'red line in the sand' & tell myself; "if she crosses it, I'll leave". You have no idea how many 'red lines' she crossed that I had to 're-draw'. Life's to short. Don't put up with this for 4 1/2 years like I did. Stay NC & don't go back with her. Try looking at yourself in the mirror while talking to yourself about all the reasons your better off w/out her. You CAN do it, stay strong... .  zzz

[Aussie0zborn]

Just want to add something about the e-mail snooping. I started doing this stuff... .it's no way to live. It'll drive you crazy... .

True.  I did the same thing. Had I not, I would have never gone back to her. NC also means no snooping. Don't do it to yourself as you won't be able to detox and as HBB said, it's no way to live.  You deserve better and only you can make it better for yourself.

BTW... .What are you going to prove by snooping? Something you didn't already know?

[nolisan]

The obsession with what she's up to is like a drink to an alcoholic - one snoop is to many and a thousand not enough. Try to avoid the urge - you'll be much happier.

[eyvindr]

This pretty much sums it up:

If you're with someone that you need to watch, you shouldn't be with them. I'd draw a 'red line in the sand' & tell myself; "if she crosses it, I'll leave". You have no idea how many 'red lines' she crossed that I had to 're-draw'. Life's to short. Don't put up with this for 4 1/2 years like I did. Stay NC & don't go back with her. Try looking at yourself in the mirror while talking to yourself about all the reasons your better off w/out her. You CAN do it, stay strong.

Seems most of us need to learn it the hard way. I will admit that I'm of the opinion that I deserve to know the truth -- just as others deserve it from me. So, in past situations where I felt someone wasn't being truthful, despite being given carte blanche to do so -- I took matters into my own hands. And proved to myself that they were being dishonest -- in short, that my feelings/instincts were accurate. Did it get me anywhere? No -- they still denied the truth, despite clear evidence that they were lying.

That said -- once you've gotten your answer, continuing anything beyond that is nothing less than masochistic. Don't torture yourself. You knwo enough to have already made up your mind -- move on. The sooner you detach, the sooner you heal, and the closer you are to finding someone who WON'T be dishonest with you.

Hang in there.

[turtle]

But I know that she is thinking one of two things, either "this will make him jealous" or "I'm moving on, forget that guy".   I know I need to just stick to NC but sometimes it just feels impossible.  HELP!  

a) Time to quit assuming what SHE'S thinking.  Time to focus on what YOU are thinking... .and right now... .you have stinking thinking.  You can change that and you can start TODAY!

b) You already know what to do do.  You know you need to stick to NC.  It is NOT hopeless. There's no magic bullet for this.  You just DO it and you do it one day at a time.

We've all snooped. Some to larger degrees than others, but we all do it.  We want answers - then when we get them, we've (I'VE) justified them.  You have your answers here StandUpGuy.  So... .time to live up to your name.  Be a StandUpGuy -- Stand up for YOU and leave this BS behind you!

The others have already said what the snooping will do to you.  It destroys YOU, not HER.  She may be getting ready to "slut it up to the world," and while she's doing that, you've been reduced to a peeping tom.  

turtle

[happylogist]

Just want to add my 2 cents... .

When I got to know that my ex-s gf was constantly snooping his inbox, secretly reading his skype conversations with others and checking his phone - my first reaction was that she had a problem with trusting him and they had both problems with being honest to each other.  For me it was a clear sign of a failed relationship, because it is something quite horrible to do in a personal relationship  - with a person you trust and love.

With the time and after knowing him better, as well as reading here and there posts about BPD I start to believe that my conclusion was a bit judgmental.  Many partners are forced to do that out of despair, because of the desire to find answers and know the truth. Surprisingly dBPD or uBPD partners either give away they passwords willingly (mostly during the idealization stage) or somehow leave the information open (many reasons might be - don't care, subconsciously want a partner to find out about their importance as being loved and wanted by others, have it as a part of the manipulative game to have them on the hook - I don't know).  

I understand that once you know the password it is hard to resist the urge - but this will only and only bring hurt and ruin the healing process. If there is a way to change to make her change her passwords - then do it.

[peas]

During idealization my ex totally gave me his social media and email passwords -- without me asking. I didn't want to know!

I had no interest in checking his stuff because that's his business. But guess what, when the devaluation started and I suspected he was turning to other women, I came VERY close to digging into his accounts. I typed in his password and it still worked, but I stopped short of snooping around (I logged out immediately) because I didn't want to see something I'd regret seeing and, more importantly, it's illegal. Google the legalities of logging into another person's account even if they gave you access information. Lots of articles about it. 

AND, there are mechanisms on Facebook, under security settings I think, that show a log of every log-in attempt, including the location and time. 

Further, try to maintain some dignity in this whole thing and walk away from spying on the ex. Don't give that obsessional behavior any more power.

[Rose Tiger]

Sounds like she is getting her fishing gear in order.  Whether with you or another fish is no matter, the goal is to to get a fish to absorb the self hatred that is bubbling over within her.  Freedom from that constant barage of seething BPD hatred is so very very nice.  You'll get used to it and you'll never want to go back to having someone treat you so mean.  Hang in there.  

[Clearmind]

Knowing what you do - how do you emotionally feel about the photos she is sending? And what do you want to find out by checking her account?

Our irrational mind and rational minds can be at odds when we are grieving - the choice is up to us as to how we detach and rather than hurting ourselves further it maybe best to close your eyes and change the password.