Becoming a More Welcoming Board for Newcomers

[lbjnltx]

Being a welcoming place for potential members and new members - we're doing that, right?

Or are we?

I'm sure each of us truly has a welcoming heart for any newcomers reading and trying to decide if they want to participate. We need to be mindful that message board dynamics are not always intuitive.  This may be shocking to hear, the “parenting” board is in many ways, not welcoming to newcomers.

Here's why:

Excessive references to other member's threads and backgrounds It's hard for a newcomer to follow the threads here as we often reference other threads and assumptions are made that everyone already knows the background. Even if a members looks at the OP's (Original Poster) recent thread history there are things being said that require historical knowledge to follow what's going on.  It's a little like walking into a movie theater for the last 3 minutes of a movie.  This is an inherent flaw on all the boards and it is excessive here. Recently I read one member explaining another member's general philosophy and how hers was different.

Excessive familiarity and name call outs For a newcomer looking in, threads look like there are relationships that go beyond the messageboard - like it is a private club.  In many threads questions are asked to specific members or answered to specific members. Members are referred to by names different than their user names.  Notes are closed with "I wuvz you".

Excessive cuteness  There are more hearts, waving men, and hugging smileys per thread on this board than any other board in the community. Many people are uncomfortable with excessive cuteness- like men - this may not feel like a welcoming place for a man.

Free form, and thread hijacking  bpdfamily.com operates on a platform known as “forum”. This is explained in the guidelines. In forum, all members are considered equal, and all opinions are considered independent and stand alone. Diversity is welcomed not debated or mitigated.  Since points aren't debated, apologies are not needed for different opinions, and a consensus does not need to be reached.  Its a little like the supreme court, an OP asks a questions and 5 experts give their independent opinion.  Hijacking can be invalidating to the OP, confuse issues and takes away from the value of the thread.

Excessive abbreviations  Its better to use plain English than abbreviate a post into code.  "My husband went to the therapist" is clearer than "dh went 2 t".

Smothering or Ignoring Some newbies get smothered and some have their posts ignored and some are sent personal messages that are overly friendly. Generally,  keeping it out on the board is best because the newcomer can pace the intensity and frequency of interaction.

What can we do?

All of the above happens on all of the boards.  We're people and we're talking.  The issue is excessiveness. So... .what are we, the members of the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board willing to do to make this awesome board more welcoming?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

A couple of thoughts:

Think before I post - what helped when I was in a similar stage with my situation - ie. age of child, issues being faced by family,... .

Limit what I share from my own story to focus on issues raised by topic of OP (is the 'original poster'?).

If this topic seems to trigger an extensive need to post about my own story, maybe I need to start my own thread.

How can I better discern when details of my life add to a topic vs. distract from the topic?

Is the OP asking for specific help or needing more general support?  Can I ask questions and steer away from 'giving advice'? ie. be validating instead of problem solving. Another question of guidance with discernment.

Maybe I need to spend some time on another board to keep perspective as well - even just to read a bit.

lbj - I have noticed a decline in activity on this board and was pondering the reasons. I know I get so absorbed in my own stuff - need a reminder to be a better listener? Thanks for posting this.

qcr

[Thursday]

what are we, the members of the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board willing to do to make this awesome board more welcoming

Do you think it would help if we gave age and relationship/sex of person with BPD in each of our posts?

I've been a member of another message board and agree, cliquishness can be off-putting to a new member- maybe we can edit our own posts with an understanding that a new member might be reading and trying to find a place to fit in.

I see what you (lbjnltx) are saying about the excessive use of emoticons being possibly off-putting to those leery of cuteness (men). Certainly no harm in NOT using emoticons.    (sorry)

Awareness is half the battle. Or more. So, maybe a gentle reminder now and then... .

thursday

[Reality]

Excessive familiarity and name call outs For a newcomer looking in, threads look like there are relationships that go beyond the messageboard - like it is a private club.  In many threads questions are asked to specific members or answered to specific members. Members are referred to by names different than their user names. 

Could you clarify the issue of questions being asked to specific members or answered to specific members?  Isn't that what we do all the time here? 

Reality

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Could you clarify the issue of questions being asked to specific members or answered to specific members?  Isn't that what we do all the time here? 

Reality

Hi Reality, here's what's in our guidelines about it:

4.3 Exclusive or Cliquish Content: Cliques can form within the boundaries of any large group - being rewarding to those that are included, and at the same time, intimidating or off-putting to those that are not. In a community where there is a constant flow of emotionally injured new members, many suffering from diminished self esteem, we encourage the established members to be ambassadors of good will and reach out to be as welcoming and inclusive as possible. Appearances of exclusivity should be avoided, such as name callouts, insider topics, insider jokes, threads targeted at friends, etc. Threads and questions should not be directed to specific members or groups.

And here's a link if you want to read more about the guidelines for the forums: https://bpdfamily.com/content/terms-service#Exclusive

Does this answer you question?

SP

[lbjnltx]

A couple of thoughts:

Limit what I share from my own story to focus on issues raised by topic of OP (is the 'original poster'?).

If this topic seems to trigger an extensive need to post about my own story, maybe I need to start my own thread.

How can I better discern when details of my life add to a topic vs. distract from the topic?

Is the OP asking for specific help or needing more general support?  Can I ask questions and steer away from 'giving advice'? ie. be validating instead of problem solving. Another question of guidance with discernment.

Maybe I need to spend some time on another board to keep perspective as well - even just to read a bit.

lbj - I have noticed a decline in activity on this board and was pondering the reasons. I know I get so absorbed in my own stuff - need a reminder to be a better listener? Thanks for posting this.

qcr

All good thoughts qcarolr that will lead to a more open and welcoming board.

It would be a benefit to all of us to spend time on the Personal Inventory board and reading the Staying board.

Do you think it would help if we gave age and relationship/sex of person with BPD in each of our posts?

If it is relevant to the topic being discussed, yes it would be helpful.

I've been a member of another message board and agree, cliquishness can be off-putting to a new member- maybe we can edit our own posts with an understanding that a new member might be reading and trying to find a place to fit in.

Members have a small window of opportunity (30 minutes after posting) to modify their own posts.  If this opportunity is missed and posting again to clarify is another option.

I see what you (lbjnltx) are saying about the excessive use of emoticons being possibly off-putting to those leery of cuteness (men). Certainly no harm in NOT using emoticons.    (sorry)

One benefit of limiting the use of emoticons is that we will better develop our emotional expression through words.

[Rapt Reader]

Excessive familiarity and name call outs For a newcomer looking in, threads look like there are relationships that go beyond the messageboard - like it is a private club.  In many threads questions are asked to specific members or answered to specific members. Members are referred to by names different than their user names.  

Sometimes in the camaraderie of a thread, New Members entering a thread might feel like an intruder, and be hesitant to post. Or worse, a New Member may post and then be overlooked, with no one acknowledging their input or answering their question(s). In the overview of the thread--camaraderie all around them--the New Member's lack of being acknowledged will be interpreted as being "ignored" and being not part of the group. It's a bit invalidating, and could affect whether this New Member posts again. Although this is probably done unwittingly by the group, we do need to be aware of it. We are all here to share, learn, help each other; none of us consciously wants to be invalidating of anyone (least of all a Newbie, I'm sure).

It's something to be aware of. Thanks, lbjnltx!

[pessim-optimist]

All good points I would say. Thank you lbj for starting this thread. I too think that it is a good idea to remind ourselves about some points from time to time and also to look at ourselves from the outside.

Excessive abbreviations  Its better to use plain English than abbreviate a post into code.  "My husband went to the therapist" is clearer than "dh went 2 t".

Smothering or Ignoring Some newbies get smothered and some have their posts ignored and some are sent personal messages that are overly friendly. Generally,  keeping it out on the board is best because the newcomer can pace the intensity and frequency of interaction.

What can we do?

Thinking about it from a newcomer's perspective, I thought that especially in their threads, it would be friendly to explain some of the abbreviations - if we do use them - in parentheses.

The smothering/ignoring issue - I think we could improve if we all try to be mindful of that and look at the newer member's posts as a group and try to engage those members that we see are being overlooked, and try to back off a bit, if someone is being smothered.

I remember when I came to the boards, I did have to make an effort to 'jump in' into the conversations, and IMHO it will be easier for us as longer-term members to approach the newer members than the other way around.

What do you think?

[lbjnltx]

Yes!

[twojaybirds]

These are good points and often so much can be hard to convey over the internet as well.

I tend to go practical, sometimes too practical.  So here are a few thought I have:

Perhaps our signature line can include a quick bio on the  situation such as mine would read

twojaybirds (2jb)

dd - 19yo - sophomore year at college

refuses therapy

only child - single mom

As for the alphabet soup.  I work in the field where there is lots of it.  The downside is it sounds elitist to new people (excluding them from the club) but once you have it down it makes it so much easier to say or type things up.  Perhaps a moderator could sticky the thread at the top that reads alphabet soup and it could include the ones we use.  I know there is one somewhere on the board but I have always had a hard time finding it.

There have been times I have posted and no one has responded.  Sometimes that hurts then I think "it's not about me"  no one is intentionally  ignoring me.  Sometimes I am here a lot - sometimes a little.  I do make an effort to look at posts that have not been responded to  however sometimes it doesn't resonate to me or sometimes I can't  respond because of what I am going through,

There is a social "norm" we use at work which is  "assume the best intentions"  We all want to support and all need support which is why we are here.  

If we modify our posts to accommodate the newcomers then we will always be there rather then living our journey and sharing at whatever stage we are in.  

The best part is the board is here and we all know we are not alone!

[Reality]

Relationships are a tricky business.  I mean, if you look at the history of us in the 'private club', it has hardly been a clubby thing.

IMHO, we were getting some real flow going... .Maybe when a group of people go through such horrific times together, there is a certain comraderie, like guys fighting a war... .I think we really care for each other... .and we do know each other quite well... .

That being said, it is very important that everyone feels welcome here, newcomer or old.  This board changes the lives of children and ther families.

Here's to us all.

Reality

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

IMHO, we were getting some real flow going... .Maybe when a group of people go through such horrific times together, there is a certain comraderie, like guys fighting a war... .I think we really care for each other... .and we do know each other quite well... .

That being said, it is very important that everyone feels welcome here, newcomer or old.  This board changes the lives of children and ther families.

Here's to us all.

Reality

Well said, Reality, in hard times tight bonds do get forged. That will be the case here as well.

So what can we do as a group to be friendly to each other, yet be open and actively inclusive to others?

Any helpful thoughts about dads?

[Reality]

My hubby is having a MANCAVE t-shirt made for the guys involved in Will's Way.  I wonder if it might be helpful for fathers to have a specific spot to post when they would like.  I like having the dads post on our board; however, it might be very helpful for them to have their own place, as well.

The more I think of that idea, the more I like it.

Reality

[qcarolr]

I try to read posts that have only a few responses. When I am in a really dark spot or very pressured for time I miss out on this. And I discover that I really do miss out. When I commit the time to reading new posts, I find the darkness lifts a bit. It is time well spent.

As a trial, I am planning to give a little back-story when I start a new thread  "In case you haven't read my story... ." that gives a reference point for the topic of the thread. It has to be relevant to the topic, and I have to practice being concise. We will see how this works out. Besides, this really helps me sort out the 1,000 thoughts in my mind. This applies ONLY to threads I am starting.

What do you all think?

qcr

[lbjnltx]

My hubby is having a MANCAVE t-shirt made for the guys involved in Will's Way.  I wonder if it might be helpful for fathers to have a specific spot to post when they would like.  I like having the dads post on our board; however, it might be very helpful for them to have their own place, as well.

The more I think of that idea, the more I like it.

Reality

I'm sure the Dads would like their own man cave. There would need to be a very large membership of Dads to keep the board from becoming stagnant.

As a trial, I am planning to give a little back-story when I start a new thread  "In case you haven't read my story... ." that gives a reference point for the topic of the thread. It has to be relevant to the topic, and I have to practice being concise. We will see how this works out. Besides, this really helps me sort out the 1,000 thoughts in my mind. This applies ONLY to threads I am starting.

What do you all think?

qcr

That sounds like a good plan.  Those of us who know you will just skim over it.  It is similar to twojaybirds  idea with a bit more detail about your current situation. 

[Rapt Reader]

These are all really great ideas on this thread regarding making this Board more inviting and friendly to Newbies, and also the fun, comforting and supportive place that everyone here already is used to. It can be done, and these ideas are a good foundation of how.

I know that I, personally, will try to be more aware of the Newbies, and also any member who is posting and not receiving many acknowledgments or replies. One reason, I think, we can let this slip is just as previously mentioned: when we are afraid that we don't have "the answer" for them, we can just let it slide and move on (I fear that I do that at times). What I think we should consider is that members are not only looking for answers, but also acknowledgment that they are "seen and heard." And that is something we can all do. Sometimes the dialogue from that leads to more conversation that will then lead to the answers and support needed.

I do believe that being aware of a deficit (just like when we finally find out what is exactly going on in our BPD child's head and heart) is the first step to changing things for the better. The ideas here are a great step in the right direction!

[Reality]

I try to read posts that have only a few responses. When I am in a really dark spot or very pressured for time I miss out on this. And I discover that I really do miss out. When I commit the time to reading new posts, I find the darkness lifts a bit. It is time well spent.

As a trial, I am planning to give a little back-story when I start a new thread  "In case you haven't read my story... ." that gives a reference point for the topic of the thread. It has to be relevant to the topic, and I have to practice being concise. We will see how this works out. Besides, this really helps me sort out the 1,000 thoughts in my mind. This applies ONLY to threads I am starting.

What do you all think?

qcr

qcaroir,

I find also that reading new posts helps me turn corners and I feel less alone and certainly much better educated and aware.

qcaroir and everyone else,

My situation is an anomaly here on the board.  I find it tricky to know how to present a synopsis of our story without shocking or frightening people.  I guess just a matter-of-fact sort of way.  Any suggestions welcome.

Reality

[Skip]

My situation is an anomaly here on the board.  I find it tricky to know how to present a synopsis of our story without shocking or frightening people.  I guess just a matter-of-fact sort of way.  Any suggestions welcome.

I'd say it factually and end with a comment like.  "I'm here to share what I have learned and am learning.  No condolences please, I'm strong now and I prefer we all share openly so that we may all learn."

[pessim-optimist]

My situation is an anomaly here on the board.  I find it tricky to know how to present a synopsis of our story without shocking or frightening people.  I guess just a matter-of-fact sort of way.  Any suggestions welcome.

I'd say it factually and end with a comment like.  "I'm here to share what I have learned and am learning.  No condolences please, I'm strong now and I prefer we all share openly so that we may all learn."

I agree. As I know your story a bit, I know that your life did not stop. It goes on, and there's hope in that continuity, sharing, and learning, and also celebrating the positive... .

That is encouraging in its bravery and courage.

[Reality]

skip and pessim-optimist,

Thank you for your ideas.  You make me sound a bit virtuous, though.  .I am neither strong, brave nor courageous.  Just bumbling along, trying to understand BPD and being beyond thankful that my friends here are so kind. 

I just am who I am and people on this board have very open hearts, so thank you all, newcomers included.

Reality

[pessim-optimist]

You're welcome, Reality, you also can add humility to the list of your virtues... . 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

I acknowledge that I am guilty of several things mentioned.  And, I promise to follow the guidelines, and be a better BPD family member.  I don't get here as often as I would like.  But, when I do, I will look for the newer members. I can recall when I first found this site, I was in such a horrible state.  And, I can imagine most are so overwhelmed when they first come to this board.  I was so overwhelmed, looking for help, and thank God, I found this great board!