Help with Guilt

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Man... .I'm feeling the guilt today in a big way.  uBPDw informed last night that she removed herself from the joint phone plan (this is a big step... .she's been balking at all notions of divorce) and while part of me is relieved that she is making a move forward, another part of me just feels so horrible.  Like I'm doing something terrible to her.  I know she has abused me verbally an emotionally over the past two years and I know she has put me and my S6 through some super stressful times, yet why do I feel so guilty?  I think it's the sadness in her eyes; I can see it every time I look at her. 

I know once we aren't living together anymore it will make things a bit easier - there's something to be said for out of sight, out of mind.  We have no kids together, no ties after this marriage is dissolved, no reason to stay in contact.

I do a lot of things to stay busy - I'm really big into working out, I play music, my S6 and (when he's not at his mom's) spend a ton of time together.  I knew it wasn't going to be easy but this really sucks!

[ts919]

Man... .I'm feeling the guilt today in a big way.  uBPDw informed last night that she removed herself from the joint phone plan (this is a big step... .she's been balking at all notions of divorce) and while part of me is relieved that she is making a move forward, another part of me just feels so horrible.  Like I'm doing something terrible to her.  I know she has abused me verbally an emotionally over the past two years and I know she has put me and my S6 through some super stressful times, yet why do I feel so guilty?  I think it's the sadness in her eyes; I can see it every time I look at her. 

I know once we aren't living together anymore it will make things a bit easier - there's something to be said for out of sight, out of mind.  We have no kids together, no ties after this marriage is dissolved, no reason to stay in contact.

I do a lot of things to stay busy - I'm really big into working out, I play music, my S6 and (when he's not at his mom's) spend a ton of time together.  I knew it wasn't going to be easy but this really sucks!

[Vindi]

have you checked on this site about FOG, fear, obligation and guilt... .Knowing that things are crumbling, i am sure you are devastated, even though she mentally abused you.

I bet you are trying to see the good in her, maybe the dreams you had together... .this is all alot to take in, esp when you have a child involved.

Do you have friends or family you can talk with... .and, stay close with your son, he seems to bring alot of joy into your life.

Since you are posting on the leaving board, do you have a divorce plan/or her... .in action right now?

[ts919]

Vindi - thanks for the reply

I am in the process of divorce at the moment - it's just begun (within the last couple of weeks) and I am the one that initiated it.  Luckily, my S6 is not her son, he's from a previous marriage.  Of course, she has been a part of his life for the better part of 4 years, so there is a bond there regardless. 

I do have a good support group, friends and family, and I have been seeing a therapist for the last year and a half. 

Guess I'm just having one of those days/moments this morning -I'm wracked with guilt even though I know it's the right thing for my son and I to move on.  I'm definitely one that struggles with change, even when I know that change is for the better. 

I'm thinking the move forward on her part kind of caught me off guard due to her previous resistance; she had informed me on several occasions that she will not be participating in anything that involves a divorce.  She has refused counseling, refused a separation, refused to take any responsibility for any part of the relationship... .so this minor move of removing herself from the cellphone plan really threw me for a loop. 

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, it really sucks and I know how you feel.  This guilt thing made me go back when I had gotten away clean. This guilt thing is what can damage you further.

There is a reason you are where you're at right now - and if they're valid reasons which Im sure they are, don't lose sight of those reasons and do what's best for you and your son. Stay strong and put your son and yourself first for a change.

[ts919]

A friend of mine just sent me a message that totally put it into perspective:

She said that I'm feeling guilty because she's not fighting or battling me at the moment - the second the battle starts back up, the guilt starts to subside.  It's weird because she's right - I like the battle because it justifies my actions.  When she does something so out of the blue like remove her phone from our family plan, it throws me off because there was no battle. 

Thanks for the advice Aussie   You are right, time to put my son and I first for a change.

[turtle]

She said that I'm feeling guilty because she's not fighting or battling me at the moment - the second the battle starts back up, the guilt starts to subside.  It's weird because she's right - I like the battle because it justifies my actions.  When she does something so out of the blue like remove her phone from our family plan, it throws me off because there was no battle. 

Your friend is right!

And... .as this moves forward, you need to be ready for her to do many more things that throw you off guard. It's not that hard to leave someone who is nasty! When your w acts nice or is compliant to the divorce moving forward, that's when this stuff gets really hard. That's when you have to remember why you want this divorce.  When will you be living separately from her?

turtle

[ts919]

I'm not sure yet Turtle - hopefully soon.  She's told me that she won't be going anywhere... .which is really silly on her part to be honest.  We've only been married two years, and in our state, because of our difference in income and her inability to afford the house on her own, she will be required to move out anyway.  We have no assets, only debt, and no children together, so there is nothing to fight over.  I know the longer we are still living together, the more likely I am to cave in and not follow through though(the divorce will be filed in the courts either today or Monday, but I can always back out if I want) so at this moment it's all in limbo!

I broke down in tears for the first time in ages today on lunch - my S6 has a b-day party to attend this weekend for a girl in his class; I had picked out gift for her and was wrapping it... .and it struck me so hard that I have no idea what I'm doing and I just wanted a wife there by my side to help me!  Someone that was a little girl once and could make sure it was a cool present for her so my son won't look like a dork and that it wouldn't look like it was wrapped by a dude. 

It's just been a rough day!   

[Aussie0zborn]

Ofcourse it's been a rough day but it gets better. I know what you mean  about having you wife by your side for that female perspective on such things but it does need to be the right wife and you don't have that right now.  Next time you need to buy a gift for a little girl, find the youngest female sales assistant and ask what she would recommend - just watch the price tag.

There will be many more guilt-ridden days ahead. Focussing on the light at the end of the tunnel can get you through. I'm not liking the bit about staying in the house together as I feel this will make it harder for you.  Good luck on your journey - we are here for you.