How to best support my son

[Dibdob59]

I am sorry this is so long.

My UBPDS 29 is having serious problems with his ex partner using their son as a weapon.  She is manipulative and volatile and I suspect her to also be either undiagnosed NPD or BPD.

My son has their 4 year old son 4 days one week and 2 the next week (so averaging 3 days per week).  This has been the agreement since they split up in April. She was already seeing someone else behind his back before they split and this new man moved in immediately with my son's ex and little boy which was excruciatingly painful for my son.  Since that time his ex has split up with this new man several times and then texts or rings my son crying.  She then gets back with this man and starts sending unpleasant texts to my son.  It is as if she cannot be polite to my son when she is with her new man but then uses my son as a crutch when she feels like it.  My son would not admit it but I am pretty sure he would get back together with her if she suggested it as he is terrified of being alone long term, has poor self esteem issues, thinks nobody will ever love him and is worried about the impact that the erratic nature of her relationships is having on my grandson.

When they split up it was agreed between them that he would have my grandson for just less than 50% of the time (hence the average of 3 days per week) and she would claim all the state benefits for their son.   This then triggered a number of other benefits for her such as rent, rates etc to be paid also.  My son of course receives no state benefits at all and has to survive on just his salary paying out for rent and all other bills in order to provide a suitable house for his son to come to.  Because they are sharing residency of my grandson his ex said she would not ask for regular maintenance and my son has been giving her cash as and when, paying for his son's school uniform, taking him away on holiday etc.

My son had my grandson this weekend.  He started to receive angry calls and texts from his ex today (she was at a Christening and had been drinking).  She said she had spoken to her friends and decided he is not giving her enough maintenance for their son and she will go to the Child Support Agency to make him pay more. This has come out of nowhere.  Her texts were deliberately abusive and threatening and my son replied that he was concerned about taking his son back to her tonight as she had been drinking.  She then said if he did not bring their son back she would call the police and accuse him of kidnapping.

In the end my son agreed that his son could return as he has school in the morning and his life and routine have already been disrupted by the split, so he feels routine is important for him.  Once she had their son back she sent a further abusive text stating my son cannot now have his son on the agreed days this week as she feels he is a bad influence on the child.  This from a woman who has told my grandson that he has two daddies now!

I really struggle to support my son and validate when he dysregulates over such vicious text exchanges and behaviour.  Someone without BPD would struggle to cope, let alone someone with emotional dysregulation issues.  My son was extremely upset and angry today and feels she has turned all his friends against him with her lies (which is possible as his BPD has not helped).

How can I support my son when situations are so ugly?

Thanks

Dibdob

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

What a sad situation for everyone!

The best way to support your son is to validate his feelings and not become emotionally over reactive.  'I would be angry too" "I can see why you feel that way" "You are allowed to feel whatever you feel" "I'm concerned too" etc... .

Sometimes validation helps them to self soothe further.  If the opportunity arises you might want to ask validating questions.  "What do you think you need to do?" "How can you find legal help for yourself?"  "How can you get to a calm place to get this figured out?" "What can I do to help?"


Sometimes they need to get it out (just like we do) and feel heard and understood ... .later they may calm down and be able to problem solve.

[peaceplease]

Dibdob59,

It is really difficult when there are grandchildren involved.  It is difficult when we see our children making the same mistakes over and over.  However, it is their life and all we can do to support is to validate as lbjntlx said.  I know that it seems to be easier said than done.  But, it is so true.  Recently, I realized that I was regressing by invalidating my dd's feelings.  I responded emotionally.  All the therapy that  I have had, all the books that I have read learning about validation, sort of went out the window for me.  I realize that now and am stepping up my validation tools.

The book, "I DONT HAVE TO MAKE EVERYTHING ALL BETTER" by Gary and Joy Lundberg is an excellent book on validation. 

Have you been in therapy for yourself?  I believe that many of us here have been in therapy for communication with our children with BPD.   Also, for the depression and anxiety that we may experience with all of the chaos from our loved ones with BPD.

Be careful not to get caught up in their relationship.( I've been there done that. Learned not to do.  And, it has helped, as my dd's exbf trust me not to get involved.  No more threats involving estrangement of my gs)  These issue belong to him, and it is for him to deal with them.  You can support by validation and love.  Do not give advice. I know that is so difficult.  As a mother, I think it is a natural instinct for us to want to advise them. 

peaceplease

[qcarolr]

Dibdob59,

Having grandkids involved does make our path so much more painful. My heart is with you in this. My gd is now 8 with a BPD mom and absent dad. Our conflicts are different than yours, yet there is much frustration wanting to 'do the right thing' for both my DD27 and my gd8.

Does you son have a legal document for his time with his son? Is there any written agreement? Maybe this can come up in your validating questions as he is able to become calmer. I hope he can be encouraged to seek legal help. The potential for neglect of his son, especially the sexual exposure, may be something that he needs to address with child protection services. We have received a lot of support in our situation from social services. Often there is free or reduced help with custody situations. Legal Aide.

The other point is that the ex's pattern is to lose her r/s with the current bf. At that time the splitting may shift back for your DS to have his son again.

Just wondering if he would find any help coming here to the legal board and co-parenting board. RE: the suspicion that his ex may have uBPD. Do not know how to put this as opportunity in front of him, or if it is appropriate. Maybe others here would have a more clear idea about this.

Hang in there. Come back as often as you need to and post as much as you want. We are here for you.

qcr

[Dibdob59]

Thank you to everyone who responded. 

Yes, I am in therapy myself and know it is not appropriate to become involved or try to fix things but I am so worried about the situation, particularly for my 4 year old grandson.  The new school that he started only 3 weeks ago has had to call home on several occasions and ask for him to be taken home as he is exhibiting bad behaviour.  This beautiful little lad, who in kindergarten was so happy and popular with staff and children has taken to hitting and shouting.  They have said that they will not be able to keep him at the school if the behaviour continues. 

Not getting caught up in their relationship is important I know but the dynamics between my son and his ex are impacting terribly on my GS4 and who is looking after him?  My UBPDS and his UBPD/UNPD ex are not considering him.  How do I ignore the damage being done to my GS?

My son has no written agreement drawn up as his ex has always refused to sign one. He has sought legal help but there is no legal aid in the UK for family cases and it will require a considerable amount of money.  Although he has spoken to social services, NSPCC (child services) and the police on one occasion when she became violent with my son this has not progressed his case.  There has to be evidence of long term neglect and we simply don't have that, just poor judgement, disinterest and black/white behaviours.

My beautiful grandson is at high risk and I can do very little.

Dibdob

[lbjnltx]

Oh Dear Dibdob!

It does seem like there is no help doesn't it.  Your gs4 is so very blessed to have you looking out for him and to help him.

For now, is it  possible to try to rebuild the relationships  so that you can have your gs4 more often? 

It may take some time and a great deal of tongue biting and it will be worth it to give the little guy some stability and peace.


lbjnltx