Stopping the inner turmoil and anger...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am uncertain if I am venting or looking for comments and feedback  I am going through the beginning stages of a divorce with my BPD wife of 9 months (married 12/12/12).  I have been NC with her. Blocked her on my cell phone from calls and text messages. I get an e-mail from her. I am able to ignore her for a day or so and then we start exchanging e-mails. She tells me she doesn't want a divorce.  She has been physically abusive to me (hitting, scratching, slapping).  The last time I saw her was a shoving match with her telling me she was going to rape me and get it from me one last time while grabbing my crotch and trying to unbutton my pants.  Oh --- this was on a Sunday about 30 minutes before we were supposed to go to church together while she is dressed up in her Sunday best. As they say, the truth can be stranger than fiction.

I digressed. As part of the e-mail exchanges, I start becoming mean. I feel the anger and rage of what this woman has put me through and I lash out.  I feel better for just a bit, but it is short lived.  My normal person is that of a nice and compassionate guy. Even my ex-wife of 20 years did not bring out this meanness.  I feel like I have been pushed to my emotional limits with this woman.

Please advise.

ABB

[AliveButBeatup]

I am uncertain if I am venting or looking for comments and feedback  I am going through the beginning stages of a divorce with my BPD wife of 9 months (married 12/12/12).  I have been NC with her. Blocked her on my cell phone from calls and text messages. I get an e-mail from her. I am able to ignore her for a day or so and then we start exchanging e-mails. She tells me she doesn't want a divorce.  She has been physically abusive to me (hitting, scratching, slapping).  The last time I saw her was a shoving match with her telling me she was going to rape me and get it from me one last time while grabbing my crotch and trying to unbutton my pants.  Oh --- this was on a Sunday about 30 minutes before we were supposed to go to church together while she is dressed up in her Sunday best. As they say, the truth can be stranger than fiction.

I digressed. As part of the e-mail exchanges, I start becoming mean. I feel the anger and rage of what this woman has put me through and I lash out.  I feel better for just a bit, but it is short lived.  My normal person is that of a nice and compassionate guy. Even my ex-wife of 20 years did not bring out this meanness.  I feel like I have been pushed to my emotional limits with this woman.

Please advise.

ABB

[SeekerofTruth]

No advise just ditto.

Married 11/11/11 after 8 year r/s with multiple recycles, each time i lost something more in service (FOG) to her.  Then upon marriage WHAM the NPD/BPD came out.  And after using up most of what i could give her to in a brighter place for her future career, anticipating and expecting some degree of mutuality... .I got the denial, projection, and all the blame.

So we're divorcing as well. We had agreed to go route of mediation and the high road, but again she retained adversaril attorney with no competency in mediation, collaborative divorce, or mental health issues and then had him file for the 2nd time.  Leary of what i post, as she is high functioning and sophisticated enough to cyberstalk. 

However, the last month I HAD it.  And let her have it, by way of email.

No phone contact, she no longer has my number. And yet i still pinned for her and for us.  Finally, I came right out and called her on the BPD.  I named it numerous times, and cited examples after examples after examples each time linking it to NPD/BPD and power and control abusiveness.  When she showed no remorse, continued blame, and no shared responsibility whatsoever or concern for my future well-being... .I finally BLOCKED further email.

In regain my composure by now, and explain in detail why its BLOCKED.  I further reiterate I agree that our marriage is broken.  I DID the best I could,she did NOT.  And yet i wish her well and still love her.  But without getting tx specific to BPD or at least submitting to an evaluation by a trained and specialized treatment provider aware of high functioning BPD, it is over from my perspective as well.  I did everything to take the high road.  She wants me in the mud and dissociates from any sense of conscience from what i am able to gather.

So then what happens... .no contact, no phone, no email, no FB which i don't do... .all of a sudden out of the blue... .i get a tweet (which i utilize as part of my business start up) and in it she includes a hihg quality 48 min video off of youtube on what is BPD, that is very compassionately done... .with asking me  "can you love the person more than your need to be right?'

I UNBLOCKED her. we exchange email hugs.  I kind of get ahead of myself, and she then appropriate tempers expectations.

My need to be right?  Ah, yeah... .it's like the scorecard on won vs lost arguments and conflict resolution is like 0-100 in her favor of control.  Whose need to be right in absolute manipulative control.  Sorry Alive, i think i just hijacked your thread.  May cut and paste this.  thanks for sharing.  I finally said fuk it, they've hurt me about as bad as they can hurt me (famous last words)... .i will get right down there in the mud and dirt with them and sling away like some cornered injured animal.  Mind you i am not advising, just sharing.

[Bananas]

Hey ABB and Seeker,

I think this it what happens when the one person we trust above all others to respect us and our boundaries.  Here is a good workshop on anger, I think if you read through these posts you will find what you are feeling is pretty normal for people who have been through what we have.   

US: Has the anger gone too far?

Being aware is key.  There is a difference between healthy anger and dysfunctional resentment.  I know what helped me as far as email communication was just to sit on things for awhile.  I would feel my anger, write a nasty email response but wait at least 2 hours to send it.  After the two hours I wasn't so angry, and would either not respond unless I had to, and then I was able to just keep things short and matter-of-fact.         

[AliveButBeatup]

The analogy of a cornered, injured animal is one I think of often. I have felt that way too many times to count.  You get backed into the corner after your supply of niceness is nearly exhausted and you have bit your tongue near to the point of being chewed off.  You end up playing their game and the result is you feel crummier about yourself wondering how did you get from the naive, trusting, nice guy of back then to this --- whatever this place is that you are in now.

I am thankful for places such as this and friends who help me sort the chaff from the wheat.  They keep me balanced and show clarity where I see murkiness.

On a note of humor, I thank you about mentioning your 11/11/11 marriage.   It made me feel better that my hell hasn't been going on as long as yours

ABB

[SeekerofTruth]

ABB:  LOL!