Someone give me validation please

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

I have started to write on this forum in bits and bobs and have found it incredibly therapeutic and comforting seeing the patterns and helping to process what I went through.  As my exBPD fiance (will refer to him as Voldemort going forward) refuses to see a psych, I haven't got the explanation that I so feel I needed to explain the hell that I have been put through.

I guess the main reason I feel compelled to post is because Voldemort was so good at projecting, that I myself have questioned my own behavior and for a while really thought I was to blame for causing a lot of his reactions.  I am normally a strong, independent woman that speaks my mind and so the fact that I stood for his abuse shocks me and makes me realize that he manipulated me to such an extent that I literally questioned my own sanity.

Voldemort told me things like I "deserved to be raped".  At the time I didn't process it, but looking back, I don't understand how anyone can utter those words.  I wouldn't say that to my own enemy, forget the person I say that I love.  When I asked him why he said that, he followed it with, "I am always angry when I say mean things to you.  Something you did made me say it."  No specifics, and frankly, I don't understand what would be so bad that a person can do to another person to warrant them to say that.  He also told me I was destroyed, damaged goods, I mean, I just can't understand how someone can actually say that to another human being.

He played on the fact that I have bipolar and made me constantly question my own sanity, even though I have been having treatment by some of the best people in the profession who assured me my bipolar was under control.

Also, Voldemort used to hate me "involving people" in our relationship... .which really meant that I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone because he had ridiculous rules about his privacy.  However things that I believe to be really private to me he shows no regard for, so I don't understand these double standards.  Has anyone else experienced this?  Is this common with BPD, the need for keeping everything close to their chest and not "involving people"?  He would be so consumed with what other people thought and take into account everyone's opinions, even to the point of strangers watching us and what people who only met us for a few minutes thought about us.  I could never quite understand it... .

Sorry for this being so fragmented, but to be truthful my mind is in such disarray trying to make sense of and trying to process everything that has happened to me that I just don't know how to begin to get myself back in order.  I'm fed up of crying every day, I have done so every day since he called off our engagement (on valentine's day, after drunkenly abusing me).  There's just so much pain and I don't know how to overcome it.

[Mazda]

Hi all,

I have started to write on this forum in bits and bobs and have found it incredibly therapeutic and comforting seeing the patterns and helping to process what I went through.  As my exBPD fiance (will refer to him as Voldemort going forward) refuses to see a psych, I haven't got the explanation that I so feel I needed to explain the hell that I have been put through.

I guess the main reason I feel compelled to post is because Voldemort was so good at projecting, that I myself have questioned my own behavior and for a while really thought I was to blame for causing a lot of his reactions.  I am normally a strong, independent woman that speaks my mind and so the fact that I stood for his abuse shocks me and makes me realize that he manipulated me to such an extent that I literally questioned my own sanity.

Voldemort told me things like I "deserved to be raped".  At the time I didn't process it, but looking back, I don't understand how anyone can utter those words.  I wouldn't say that to my own enemy, forget the person I say that I love.  When I asked him why he said that, he followed it with, "I am always angry when I say mean things to you.  Something you did made me say it."  No specifics, and frankly, I don't understand what would be so bad that a person can do to another person to warrant them to say that.  He also told me I was destroyed, damaged goods, I mean, I just can't understand how someone can actually say that to another human being.

He played on the fact that I have bipolar and made me constantly question my own sanity, even though I have been having treatment by some of the best people in the profession who assured me my bipolar was under control.

Also, Voldemort used to hate me "involving people" in our relationship... .which really meant that I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone because he had ridiculous rules about his privacy.  However things that I believe to be really private to me he shows no regard for, so I don't understand these double standards.  Has anyone else experienced this?  Is this common with BPD, the need for keeping everything close to their chest and not "involving people"?  He would be so consumed with what other people thought and take into account everyone's opinions, even to the point of strangers watching us and what people who only met us for a few minutes thought about us.  I could never quite understand it... .

Sorry for this being so fragmented, but to be truthful my mind is in such disarray trying to make sense of and trying to process everything that has happened to me that I just don't know how to begin to get myself back in order.  I'm fed up of crying every day, I have done so every day since he called off our engagement (on valentine's day, after drunkenly abusing me).  There's just so much pain and I don't know how to overcome it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Mazda, I'm afraid that what you describe is quite familiar to most of us who have been in a  r/s with a pwBPD.  Isolation, abuse, manipulation -- all are hallmarks of BPD.  You are not alone, believe me.  As hard as it may be to accept at this point, you will someday be grateful, I predict, that Voldemort called off the wedding.  Some of us, namely me, spent hellish years married to a pwBPD.  Suggest you move on.  Your heart will heal and you can get back to being your authentic self.  Lucky Jim

[Mazda]

Thank you so much!  Do you think he will ever realize the wrong he has done?  Part of me wants him to get in touch even though I am trying to maintain NC now... .

[Ironmanrises]

Thank you so much!  Do you think he will ever realize the wrong he has done?  Part of me wants him to get in touch even though I am trying to maintain NC now... .

In bold.

He will only realize that if it serves his purpose in reeling you back in... .

If/when a future recycle is inbound.

His realization of that... .

Will be momentary... .

Lasting from point A... .to point B in time... .

And then vanish.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Mazda,

I'm glad you reached out, so many of us understand the confusion and pain of a breakup with someone with BPD.  I'm sorry you are hurting.     I remember sobbing for hours and hours when my pwBPD broke up with me (again), not only because of the feeling of abandonment, but because I realized he would keep doing it, and I would break if I continued to do what I was doing. 

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but things really do get better.  Feeling the feelings is so difficult in the beginning, but it's the first step in detaching, and an important one.  I don't know if you've already seen them, but one of the articles that had a great impact on me and started my recovery was "The 10 Beliefs That Get You Stuck" (on the right--> under "Lessons" especially the beliefs that things can return to how they used to be, and that our partners have "seen the light."

Hang in there, Mazda.  We are here for you, and we care. 

[NiceGuy83]

Mazda, I am a 30 year old grown man.  Independant, quite macho.  Reasonably well adjusted.  I can cry when watching something sad on TV (hell I cried at Ratatouille!) but I never cry for myself.  However bad my life might get at times, I never cry for myself. 

The only exception was the two breakups I had from exes with BPD.  They both reduced me to a quivering sobbing wreck on the floor.  The first one actually left me suicidal, and only the help of my doctor got me through it.

So please don't wonder why you have found yourself crying so much.  It's a perfectly normal reaction following the abuse we went through.

Abuse is not a term I use lightly, but it is what we suffered.  I won't use that term outside of these forums, because people look at me, a 6ft4 230lb man and say 'How the heck could a 5ft 100lb girl abuse you'?  It's difficult for someone without first hand experience to get it.  Which is why I come here to talk to people, when I need to, about it. 

What are you doing to help yourself heal? 

[Octoberfest]

Hi Mazda-

I will echo and agree with Lucky Jim.  It feels like you have lot a lot right now- often times it feels like our BPDex's are the loves of our life... .losing them feels like experiencing a death.  But a time will come where you will look back and be ever so thankful that your relationship ended now, instead of after you married him.  That is something to be thankful for, and I am very thankful that my own BPD relationship was only 9 months long, even if it felt like an eternity for me.  

Maybe an analogy will help... .

Have you ever gotten really frustrated when you were younger?  And taken it out on an inanimate object? I know when I was 10 or 11 or 15   I would play video games and if I was doing poorly, or I kept failing to beat something in it, I would get REALLY frustrated.  And I would find myself releasing that anger by hitting he controller or punching the couch or something.  :)id the couch or the controller have ANYTHING to do with my anger? Not at all.  But that sure didn't stop me from taking it out on them.  I see a parallel there with your BPDex.  Those are awful things to say to someone... .things that probably greatly outweigh whatever was done to bring that reaction on.  pwBPD are emotional children... .they are the 10 or 11 year old who gets frustrated and channels their anger in the wrong direction and lashes out.  My BPDex did some pretty low stuff, on purpose, to lash out and hurt me because she felt like she was being wronged.

Bottom line, the things your BPDex said to you had little to nothing to do with who you are or your worth as a person.  There are almost no options left off of the table when a pwBPD rages; they seem to revert to a very low level emotional state and anything and everything is fair game to throw at you.  But that does not make any of it true- it just means they are incapable of handling their emotions and dealing with them like adults.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Mazda, sorry to hear the abuse you were subjected to by your BPD ex-fiancee. And from your description, it definitely falls under the umbrella of abuse in my opinion. Sometimes the mental scars we suffer from another's words are just as damaging and long lasting as physical scars from physical abuse.

It sounds like your BPD ex-fiancee has a carefully constructed public persona like my exBPDgf. Anything that challenges it or threatens to show the truth behind the facade they must attack with a vengeance. I always say it's like a house of cards they are deathly afraid of seeing collapse.

You have just been broken down over time by his gaslighting, double standards, and crazy making behaviors and words. Like you, I considered myself a strong independent person but found myself turning into another person entirely.

If you need an explanation, the short one is he's got BPD. I've BPD sufferer described herself as being one big raw nerve ending. Their emotions are often all consuming so they develop maladaptive strategies for relieving these bad feelings. One way is to lash out in anger against us regardless that we are not the cause, just that we are the most opportune target being with them so much. It's not just pwBPD that use anger in this manner, just that it's extremely common strategy for pwBPD. A normal person can recognize it and apologize: "I'm sorry I lashed out at you, I was having a bad day and took it out on you. Sorry." Taking responsibility like this is anathema for pwBPD. That means they would have to take responsibility for all the awful things they've done, and due to their black and white only thinking, that is not possible, they HAVE to project. They HAVE to make us the bad person.

If it means anything, I think you are a brave person to manage your bipolar. He is not brave enough to manage his BPD, and the only person who can shoulder that responsibility is himself.

If you find it therapeutic, keep posting! It's amazing how similar a lot of the stories here are. Take care of yourself because you're the only person that can truly be there for you 24/7.