How do you ignore the games?

[CS4Ever]

Anyone else having trouble not letting their games bother you? I'm usually pretty thick skinned on stuff, but my uBPDw just changed her relationship status on facebook and its really thrown me for a loop for some reason.

What's ironic is that she did this after I told her I was going to keep putting money in the joint account and cover a few bills that are coming up which she doesn't have the $$ to cover on just her salary.

The whole situation has been escalating for a while, and I don't hold much hope at this point, but it just amazes me that the games continue and that this particular thing is throwing me for such a loop. Then again, going public with the whole 'our marriage is dissolving' thing is never a pleasant experience.

Like I said, probably inevitable at this point, but frustrating/hurtful/disappointing nonetheless.

[SeekerofTruth]

What's ironic is that she did this after I told her I was going to keep putting money in the joint account and cover a few bills that are coming up which she doesn't have the $$ to cover on just her salary.

It's more than ironic.  It's tragic, insensitive and ungrateful.  Possibly vindictive or passive aggressive.  I always wonder if it's intentional and conscious or nonconscious.  And sometimes i think my wondering is a form of denial to protect me from believing someone who still cares about me is hurtful.

It amazes me too that it throws us for such a loop, time and time again. A friend of mine pointed out "that is how they win" because the scenario is running thru your mind draining you of your psychological capital.

Furtermore, it sounds like you are a stand-up guy in covering her bills in the joint account as a means to more amicably and responsibly navigate the transition... .  and so on.

[Surnia]

So sorry to hear this, CS4ever.

It remembers me some steps by my now exh. Its a certain way to communicate very indirectly through things or the internet (FB or blogs) - and I guess with the intention to hurt or punish you.

So don't beat yourself about being hurt.

It helped me a bit imagine a wounded animal fighting back. And - thinking at least twice to go to FB or a blog and having a disclaimer in my head: Open only when you are really strong and detached. If not, let it be. This was my approach.

[popeye6031]

This sort of thing drives me absolutely nuts.  My fiance is at this all the time, indirectly painting me black on FB.  Recently I found out she cheated many times and as when we made up, I told her she was no longer getting access to my FB account (as it was used as a means to bash me over every activity).  She threwa strop and did not speak to me for days.  Then posted some rubbish on facebook about how she cannot handle being hurt so much after showing so much love.  Then told people that were asking about that post that I had told some friends how pissed off I was for her posting pics with her friends.  Total lies of course, my friends were pissed at her for posting pics of herself with one guy, in particular, all the time (I recently found out she had an affair with this guy).  My firends told me this 1 year ago, not a few weeks ago like she was making out.  So, of course these people now think I am some looney bin that does not like my fiance hanging out with her friends.

So, rubbish like that and taking her ring off after we have an argument , which she will have started, telling me that she is going to hurt me so much by cheating, not speaking for days etc etc. 

The games never stop.

[Aussie0zborn]

Popeye... .And you're still engaged to her?

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The games are are a real headspin. I could never handle it and it was the thing that hurt the most. The ungratelfulness for me was the most hurtful aspect of it. I'm sorry but I cant suggest any techniques to ignore the games becasue I was too worn down to think of any. You might ask a T and I hope you find one before you are further damaged. Good luck.

[Bananas]

What's ironic is that she did this after I told her I was going to keep putting money in the joint account and cover a few bills that are coming up which she doesn't have the $$ to cover on just her salary.

It's more than ironic.  It's tragic, insensitive and ungrateful.  Possibly vindictive or passive aggressive.  I always wonder if it's intentional and conscious or nonconscious.  And sometimes i think my wondering is a form of denial to protect me from believing someone who still cares about me is hurtful.

CS4Ever,

I struggle with this too, but not on FB but in the real world as I work with my ex.  I am pretty thick skinned as well but the passive aggressive behavior is over the top for me.  I have a hard time thinkng it is anything but intentional. 

We have theses monthly meetings at work where the whole company goes, a large room with tables and chairs.  I have a very tight group of friends at work and we alweays sit together at the same table, we have been doing so for years.  Now my ex, who really doesn't have any friends at work since he has burned through so many already, has never sat with me or my friends.  Not before we were together, not during or not after.  In fact he would go out of his way not to sit near us.  So this week what does he do but sit his ___ down at the table right next to us.  A whole empty room of tables as we were there early.  Then he talks really loud to his tablemates during the meeting about himself, how great his work is, how great his new life is, how great his new wife is blah blah blah all the while looking over at me and my friends.  Somehow I managed to make it through the meeting without vomiting.   

My T taught me an exercise to do where I escape in my mind to a peacful place and that did help.  Hang in there... .it is getting easier for me to deal with and I hope it will for you too. 

[CS4Ever]

You're a braver person than I Bananas, there is no way I could work with my wife! Just hearing about all the drama at her job makes me cringe, I cant imagine being there to see it all and to have her acting out towards me at the same time.

The passive aggressive stuff is pretty interesting. For long time she had me convinced that I was the passive aggressive one because I would procrastinate in talking to her about things I knew were hot button issues and/or out right hide stuff I knew would make her upset. Both were very bad habits which I've been trying (thankfully mostly successfully) to break myself of. But for the longest time I beat myself up while not holding her accountable for her unreasonable anger and the long silences and pulling away that followed.

Now I am really starting to see exactly how passive aggressive her behavior is and its like a light has come on. So as much as it must suck to hear him blather on, keep in mind that its his problems shining through and that things are likely not so good as he'd like you to think.

[SeekerofTruth]

Wow Cs

The passive aggressive stuff is pretty interesting. For long time she had me convinced that I was the passive aggressive one because I would procrastinate in talking to her about things I knew were hot button issues and/or out right hide stuff I knew would make her upset. Both were very bad habits which I've been trying (thankfully mostly successfully) to break myself of. But for the longest time I beat myself up while not holding her accountable for her unreasonable anger and the long silences and pulling away that followed.

Now I am really starting to see exactly how passive aggressive her behavior is and its like a light has come on.

word for word, much of my experience.  I would add, how pervasive.  My first realization was the "we are working against" one another, whats up with that?  Then dealt with all the projection, not all that aware of the projective defense.  And the denial was severe.  Especially during the drama.

[CS4Ever]

I'm with you on the working against each other thing. It really seems like the times when the relationship has actually been a partnership were few and far between. The rest of the time it was me either enabling (read supporting her during drama with someone or something else) or causing (read saying or doing something that was innocuous and/or harmless but still managed to trigger) her drama. Seems like very little of the relationship has been for or about me- though to hear her tell it I'm overbearing, selfish, demanding, etc... .