Worst reaction to your BPDs behavior?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

I was wondering what the worst reaction you've had to your BPD SO has been?  At one point after our engagement broke up (actually on what would have been our wedding day) he had called me and "apologized" for the way he spoke to me 3 days before when I reached out to him to convince him to get help.  He was, as usual, unreceptive and I ended up just saying ok, there's no point and hastily leaving the conversation.  After he had apologized, he went on to tell me that he had started dating someone else (I later found out that they were actually just friends) and that he had given her his email password to read the mails that I had sent to him so that she could see that he didn't treat me well (read: manipulate her by playing the victim role).  I was livid at this as he had only known her for 2 weeks at this point! My mails had details of our intimate life as well as information on a pregnancy that I lost and didn't want anyone to know about.  He then went on to tell me that she was going to help him with his issues (bear in mind I had made appointments with therapists for him and tried my utmost to convince him to get help, including finding out his insurance cover - I live on another continent from him) and that he would treat her properly (saying this to the woman he abused while engaged to).  I was so furious that I called his local priest and told him that he drinks (a complete no-no in our community), does drugs, smokes and abused me (all true).  I now however, feel bad as I think that I overreacted.  Have any of you ever reacted to such an extent?  I would never have done anything like this before and I don't know what happened to me to make me lash out like that.

Thanks,

Maz

[Mazda]

Hi all,

I was wondering what the worst reaction you've had to your BPD SO has been?  At one point after our engagement broke up (actually on what would have been our wedding day) he had called me and "apologized" for the way he spoke to me 3 days before when I reached out to him to convince him to get help.  He was, as usual, unreceptive and I ended up just saying ok, there's no point and hastily leaving the conversation.  After he had apologized, he went on to tell me that he had started dating someone else (I later found out that they were actually just friends) and that he had given her his email password to read the mails that I had sent to him so that she could see that he didn't treat me well (read: manipulate her by playing the victim role).  I was livid at this as he had only known her for 2 weeks at this point! My mails had details of our intimate life as well as information on a pregnancy that I lost and didn't want anyone to know about.  He then went on to tell me that she was going to help him with his issues (bear in mind I had made appointments with therapists for him and tried my utmost to convince him to get help, including finding out his insurance cover - I live on another continent from him) and that he would treat her properly (saying this to the woman he abused while engaged to).  I was so furious that I called his local priest and told him that he drinks (a complete no-no in our community), does drugs, smokes and abused me (all true).  I now however, feel bad as I think that I overreacted.  Have any of you ever reacted to such an extent?  I would never have done anything like this before and I don't know what happened to me to make me lash out like that.

Thanks,

Maz

[Mazda]

Bump... .anyone? I'm feeling really guilty

[simplyasiam]

i burt the bible at one point, burt everything in my home that made me think of her and worse thing do worry what you did is nothing

[simplyasiam]

burnt

[Cmjo]

I am afraid the gaslighting drove me to distraction and I hit him, lots of times as he would never hit me back, I realize now that he taunted me to provoke me, then afterwards he would smile and say it was me who belonged in an asylum not him! And I became so ashamed I couldnt tell anyone or get help.

[MammaMia]

Mazda

This relationship is toxic.  Your behavior speaks volumes.  You cannot "fix" him

and trying to do so (especially by long distance) will not work.  

I know this sounds harsh, but perhaps it is good that you did not marry.  Let him work on his own issues.  If he is successful, fine, if not, you need to detach for your own wellbeing.  

[Mazda]

Thank you all. I guess I just need some reassurance as I genuinely acted out of character and all of my cries of saying I was pushed into it were thrown in my face and made me doubt myself. I feel like he completely took away my own sense of identity.

I can't fix him and I wanted to save him. I guess in a way I thought I would be the one to change him. How stupid I am.

[eyvindr]

Hi Mazda,

We're all only human. Of course, we've done things at time that we're ashamed of -- and we're ashamed and feel guilt because we have consciences.

In my case, I yelled at my ex. She uses that to claim that I'm abusive, and that I emotionally abused her, because she's read online, and "been told by numerous therapists" that yelling is a form of emotional abuse.

I don't in any way want to defend yelling. I hate it, and I'm ashamed that I allowed myself to be reduced to a screaming maniac. But what my ex always leaves out -- even when it was just the two of US discussing it -- was any and everything she did to provoke the yelling. Which happened over the phone, except for a few instances -- and only after I did my damnedest to get off the phone, begging to move the discussion to another time when we were feeling less emotional, trying to approach whatever issue was causing the conflict from another angle, trying to defuse, trying to use humor -- nothing ever worked, because in every case she would simply DEMAND than I agreed with whatever she was saying and apologized for whatever imaginary slight I'd committed -- which I never did, because I'm just not wired that way.

Oh, those horrible phone calls... .ultimately, we reached the point where I would inform her that, if she didn't accept that we needed to either talk at another time or agree to disagree, I would need to get off the phone -- which she refused to permit me to do, until I would finally just hang up.

Guess what?

Hanging up on her was abusive behavior... .~sigh~ Essentially, any attempt I ever made to enforce personal boundaries was deemed by her to be "abuse." Yet the actual emotional abuse that she dished out to me and her parents -- that was just her expressing her feelings.

It's a real convenient, if twisted, strategy -- BPD's always "win" b/c they simply refuse to "lose."

Read up on projection and projective identification, Mazda -- I think you'll find it helpful.

And don't be so hard on yourself. Might not have been the best idea, but at least you were telling the truth -- not making up heinous falsehoods about your ex, with the intention of manipulating the truth to win sympathy that you didn't deserve.

Hang in there.

[MammaMia]

Mazda

We torture ourselves over what we have said or done out of sheer frustration, when the reality is that most pwBPD just conveniently forget what they do not want to hear or twist it to their advantage.  It is part of the disorder.

When someone exceeds our personal limits and tries to destroy our sense of self, it is time to say ... .  ENOUGH!   I DESERVE BETTER.  Do not apologize for standing up for yourself.

Some of life's lessons REALLY hurt.  The best we can do is learn from our mistakes and move forward.  There IS happiness out there and you will find it, now that you know what you DO NOT want out of life.

[blurry]

 I changed the locks on her, put half her stuff in storage, the other half went flying out the second story window, reposted all of her promises to me, suicide threats, marriage proposals to me, to anyone and everyone that might care (her mom, dad, best friend, her kids dads ect), basically anything i thought could incriminate her in their mind.

I've dragged her name through the mud as best I could to anyone who'd listen. Plus I've said some of the most hurtful things I could think of to her, all true of course, but BPD doesn't want to hear how hurtful their behavior is. Their behavior no matter how hurtful and bizaare, is totally acceptable and justifiable in their mind.

I feel like it was all after being pushed to my limits and my only regret is that it all slowed down any recycle attempts I could hope for. This last time was so ugly, even knowing her recycling patterns now, ill be in shock if she tries again.

Last time she recycled me, she had me thrown in jail for a night, 11 days earlier and had a no-tresspass order against me, and I had gone on a week-long mudslinging campaign directly before. Two days later she was professing undying love, a week after that, she despised me and hated my guts again, a month later we were married. 3 weeks later, she was gone again.

Not sure what's more bizaare, her behavior, the hot and cold, push/pull, or my behavior in going back to her repeatedly up to this point. I might be the crazier of the two of us actually. But as I like to point out, whatever my illness is, it doesn't cause me to lie, cheat, be dishonest, take advantage of people, try to ruin someone, or act as an around dispicable untrustworthy liar who repeatedly breaks commitments and gives false promises.

[Blade99d]

Initially, I let mine yell at me without getting excited and firing back, however after several months, i began to fire back.  At one point I called her a c.nt wh.re, and made a really inappropriate comment about a suicide that took place.  I always apologized for losing my cool, and my T has indicated that this toxic relationship caused my anxiety to skyrocket, hence the namecalling.  My T has told me repeatedly that I am very mild mannered, and remain calm, even when he challenges me on certain topics of discussion. 

[goldylamont]

Hi all,

I was wondering what the worst reaction you've had to your BPD SO has been?  At one point after our engagement broke up (actually on what would have been our wedding day) he had called me and "apologized" for the way he spoke to me 3 days before when I reached out to him to convince him to get help.  He was, as usual, unreceptive and I ended up just saying ok, there's no point and hastily leaving the conversation.  After he had apologized, he went on to tell me that he had started dating someone else (I later found out that they were actually just friends) and that he had given her his email password to read the mails that I had sent to him so that she could see that he didn't treat me well (read: manipulate her by playing the victim role).  I was livid at this as he had only known her for 2 weeks at this point! My mails had details of our intimate life as well as information on a pregnancy that I lost and didn't want anyone to know about.  He then went on to tell me that she was going to help him with his issues (bear in mind I had made appointments with therapists for him and tried my utmost to convince him to get help, including finding out his insurance cover - I live on another continent from him) and that he would treat her properly (saying this to the woman he abused while engaged to).  I was so furious that I called his local priest and told him that he drinks (a complete no-no in our community), does drugs, smokes and abused me (all true).  I now however, feel bad as I think that I overreacted.  Have any of you ever reacted to such an extent?  I would never have done anything like this before and I don't know what happened to me to make me lash out like that.

Thanks,

Maz

Mazda, this phone call had **nothing** to do with his apologizing to you and everything to do with abusing you further. The apology was a manipulative way to get you to open up, so that he could pour salt on your wounds and try and make you feel inadequate and insecure. Your anger and reaction to him is not just understandable, it's to be expected.

Regarding what you actually did--I say, you shouldn't feel any remorse for what you did in regards to its effect on your ex. Whatever, you were just telling the truth. However, I would say be careful how your actions may make other people see you. I think the only important question to ask is if your actions had any negative affect on you? On your life? But honestly don't waste any time feeling bad about someone who acts nice for the sole purpose of ripping you apart--such a cheap (and all too common) shot.

[Ironmanrises]

In round 1... .

In devaluation/discard... .

After she raged at me... .

Literally yelling at me... .

I called her a "monster"... .

I had never up until... .

That point... .

Been subjected... .

To that kind of treatment... .

By anyone.

Sure... .

Calling her that... .

Was not nice... .

But not unwarranted.

She later used that... .

When she returned to me... .

In round 2... .

And said... .

"It hurt me that you called me a monster... ."

Of course... .

No self reflection... .

Of why I had said that to her... .

Was stipulated by her.

In round 2... .

Of devaluation... .

After a particular lethal... .

Barrage of missiles... .

She launched at me... .

Regarding... .

My "insecurities"... .

I yelled at her.

I literally... .

Screamed at her.

I couldn't hold it in anymore.

Did it have any effect on her... .?

No.

I hate this f¥cking disorder.

[eyvindr]

Mine calls me a monster now.

How does one go from "soulmate" to "monster"?

Just jump on the BPD express -- you'll get there in a New York minute.

I hate this f¥cking disorder.

Yep.

[Ironmanrises]

Mine calls me a monster now.

How does one go from "soulmate" to "monster"?

Just jump on the BPD express -- you'll get there in a New York minute.

I hate this f¥cking disorder.

Yep.

In bold.

I wouldnt be surprised... .

If mine called me that now.

[DragoN]

Have any of you ever reacted to such an extent?  I would never have done anything like this before and I don't know what happened to me to make me lash out like that.

That is more a premeditated action. So there may be an element of revenge? Only you can know that. Have not reacted like that. In self defense? Yes. But not a premeditated manner which could affect his livelihood. Let his boss and co workers deal with him on their terms.

Not sure what's more bizaare, her behavior, the hot and cold, push/pull, or my behavior in going back to her repeatedly up to this point. I might be the crazier of the two of us actually. But as I like to point out, whatever my illness is, it doesn't cause me to lie, cheat, be dishonest, take advantage of people, try to ruin someone, or act as an around dispicable untrustworthy liar who repeatedly breaks commitments and gives false promises.

The actions are what matter.

Regarding what you actually did--I say, you shouldn't feel any remorse for what you did in regards to its effect on your ex. Whatever, you were just telling the truth. However, I would say be careful how your actions may make other people see you. I think the only important question to ask is if your actions had any negative affect on you? On your life? But honestly don't waste any time feeling bad about someone who acts nice for the sole purpose of ripping you apart--such a cheap (and all too common) shot.

Punching, hitting, throwing things, have been subjected to the lot of it, and only once did I hit first, after a year and a night of his drunken abuse. It was extreme. I had witnesses for that one though. His exwife had heard everything the night before, she knew and knows what he is capable of. She was helping me with losing his beer into the plants on the hotel balcony.

Oh, those horrible phone calls... .ultimately, we reached the point where I would inform her that, if she didn't accept that we needed to either talk at another time or agree to disagree, I would need to get off the phone -- which she refused to permit me to do, until I would finally just hang up.

Guess what?



Hanging up on her was abusive behavior... .~sigh~ Essentially, any attempt I ever made to enforce personal boundaries was deemed by her to be "abuse." Yet the actual emotional abuse that she dished out to me and her parents -- that was just her expressing her feelings.

The Phone. That was a convenient one as there could be no record of what transpired. And to end the abuse and the threats, hanging up was all that was left and then pulling the lines out of the wall. Then the cell phone went wild with calls.

But... .he was smart, NO emails anymore because I kept them. When he went off on denials in the past I had a record.

How does one go from "soulmate" to "monster"?

Monster? I've been called 1000X worse than that. As it doesn't apply, it doesn't bother me all that much. When the name calling starts? I tell him to look in the mirror for the answer to his problems.

[eyvindr]

Sabratha --

The Phone. That was a convenient one as there could be no record of what transpired. And to end the abuse and the threats, hanging up was all that was left and then pulling the lines out of the wall. Then the cell phone went wild with calls.

Same here -- but oh so easy to just turn off the cell. Always amazed me at how she'd try to debate me about how it was apparently some nearly impossible thing for a human to choose to turn off their cell phone -- as it it were oxygen itself.

But... .he was smart, NO emails anymore because I kept them. When he went off on denials in the past I had a record.

Ha! You'd think mine would at some point realize that she was creating a permanent record of every single abusive statement and threat! I honestly have to think that, in her dysfunctional mindframe, she really thinks she has total control -- as in, whatever she says people will believe, and whatever she chooses to deny won't exist!

How does one go from "soulmate" to "monster"?

Monster? I've been called 1000X worse than that. As it doesn't apply, it doesn't bother me all that much. When the name calling starts? I tell him to look in the mirror for the answer to his problems.

Oh, I've done the same, many times. But, no one should be surprised by that, because, after all -- it's typical abusive behavior and I am, after all, the abuser.     UGH!

[AliveButBeatup]

Sabratha --

The Phone. That was a convenient one as there could be no record of what transpired. And to end the abuse and the threats, hanging up was all that was left and then pulling the lines out of the wall. Then the cell phone went wild with calls.

Same here -- but oh so easy to just turn off the cell. Always amazed me at how she'd try to debate me about how it was apparently some nearly impossible thing for a human to choose to turn off their cell phone -- as it it were oxygen itself.

But... .he was smart, NO emails anymore because I kept them. When he went off on denials in the past I had a record.

Ha! You'd think mine would at some point realize that she was creating a permanent record of every single abusive statement and threat! I honestly have to think that, in her dysfunctional mindframe, she really thinks she has total control -- as in, whatever she says people will believe, and whatever she chooses to deny won't exist!

How does one go from "soulmate" to "monster"?

Monster? I've been called 1000X worse than that. As it doesn't apply, it doesn't bother me all that much. When the name calling starts? I tell him to look in the mirror for the answer to his problems.

Oh, I've done the same, many times. But, no one should be surprised by that, because, after all -- it's typical abusive behavior and I am, after all, the abuser.     UGH!

I like your comment about the phone in reference to it being treated like it was oxygen itself. The phone was a source of more arguments than I can remember. A central figure in the mistrust issues.  And getting a few hours of sanity back in my life by turning my phone off was beyond understanding.

[croovis]

After the first real dumping, I found out that days later she was already on to a new guy/guys. I called her a cluster b vampire, among other things. She never got over the fact that I used her disorder as an insult. On another occasion, I had heard rumors of her seeing multiple people immediately in the wake of our r/s ending. I called her out on it, and said it would be really hard for her to earn my respect again.

I recently attempted my very own recycle in the past few weeks, after 3 months NC. Took her out on a date- the night ended with her pushing me away and even kissing another guy in front of me. She profusely apologized the next day, but my pride was so wounded that I went out of my way to call her a coke whore and a person who trades their body for drugs, a person who gives their body and heart away to everyone to the point where it is meaningless.

I think these are my worst transgressions. I feel like I would lose my cool and get verbally explosive, but even most of it was by text.

I tried to patch things up with her, but she claims that I've hurt her too much. It really drives me crazy. On the one hand i feel really guilty for being a dick, but on the other I feel like the betrayals I endured in our relationship were far worse than any words I had to say. I dont go out of my way to start things, I just react when I get betrayed and my pride gets stomped on. But she pulls this victim card, me and my cruel oppressive words. Its crazy- am I expected to be a bloody saint? Just sit there and empathetically hold her hand when she stomps on my heart?

Is it really all that bad to say those things or do I have a right to vent?

[fromheeltoheal]

I called mine a psychopath, and got a shocked look from her which told me I wasn't the first to tell her that.  Hmmm.  I didn't even know what a psychopath was then, but it sounded good, and her look made me find out, which led me to BPD, which led me here.

[Conundrum]

I've reacted in ways that are inexcusable and have violated every core ethical tenet that I believe in. For example, after one particular sexual transgression, I had her get naked, put a collar and a leash on her, and had her lap Guinness out of a bowl, knowing that she's an alcoholic w/ BPD. It really doesn't matter that it was consensual and that was her "thing," it was just so wrong. Such bad karma to give into those demons... .   

[DragoN]

Such bad karma to give into those demons... .   

Yep, as the Karma bus eventually trucks along and smacks into and then backs up over the karma wisher of ill intent and then drives forward. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink and you can lead a PD to a shrink but you can't make' em think.

[babyducks]

my worst reaction;   after a particularly long fight that dragged on for days, the frustration built for both of us.   We had been reading the high conflict couple together and one of the (rare) things we agreed on was that we needed to call a halt when emotions escalated.   Anyhow we were on day two of the fight, and I was using the tools here and the things I learned from the book and I was pretty calm.   I was sitting on the sofa, and she turned and looked at me and said the coldest cruelest thing anyone has ever said to me in my life.  If I told you what it was out of context it wouldn't even make any sense but put in the framework of what we had been through together it just broke me like Dresden china.

It was typical BPD, it was all on me,  it was all my fault,  I was a failure of a human being.   

My defenses were down and that one cold comment ripped through me in ways I still can't adequately describe today months later.  I was up and moving towards the door as fast as I could go with the idea of getting away from her.   

And in a violent echo of a badly broken heart I threw a punch at the wall,  the concrete wall, and fractured my hand.  It took a surgeon and four screws and a plate to put my hand back together.

I don't know how she recounts the story to the people who knew us.  I am sure I was the lunatic who was out of control and crazy, and she was the victim of events out of her control.

Which is very sad.  Because she is a smart talented creative person who deserves to be happy.   And I kind of doubt she will every find happiness if she doesn't change some of her thinking.

I know that breaking my hand and my heart was a clarion call for me to change the way I think and the way I looked at things.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

I carried on responding with "I love you - I understand you won't want to be in a relationship with me and I will work hard to become friends instead" until the point where it emerged that he was now fully "in a relationship" with my Replacement, despite months gaslighting me that he wasn't, and this emerged the day after he'd sent me the most loving declaration yet that there was no-one else, never would be anyone else, that only I truly knew and understood him, disparaging "other people", and promising always to be there for me if ever I needed him.

then I got angry and gave him some real truths, such as that he needs to see a therapist about Cluster-B disorders, and that he doesn't love me, he only loves himself and his fake FB-persona and revels in his arrogance.

I regret that last part, that he doesn't love me, because I know it isn't true - he does love me as best he is able to love, and he doens't love himself in the slightest, but is so wildly dysfunctional that he cannot make any real decisions about anything, and simply reacts to others, including reacting to encourage women who believe in his ultra-cool and witty FB-persona.

It is sad.

But it is no longer part of my life, and I am working hard to make it all be in the past for me. I have the capacity, in time, to move on from it, but he, poor lost soul, will always have the memory of the woman he loves turning on him in fury because of his behaviour. Yet another level of guilt and shame for him, poor thing... .

[HarmKrakow]

Mine calls me a monster now.

How does one go from "soulmate" to "monster"

Yep.

That has nothing to do with BPD specifically. This can happen in any relationship. Things change in life, what you consider now as valuable can be different tomorrow.

[allweareisallweare]

I'm telling you, what happened with me was I had to 'restrain her'  after I was assaulted - I had a TV remote thrown in my face - and in anger I grabbed her and just literally 'restrained her' and she struggled and got some bruising. I'm telling you, some guys would have done a lot lot worse, simple. I'm not some guys, I felt I responded with reasonable force to a person having a mental episode - she was here on vacation for Christmas and had previously spoiled Christmas day with her childish behaviour, plus was mensching when friends of hers came up from the capital - just to try ad drive some gaslighting point home, I bet.

Anyway, she  got up and left, went to a hotel. I thought it could have been over then - it should have been to be honest, I'd given the woman more-than-enough - but she got me to help me with a task a few days later - then scurried into the hotel after it was done. I was ready there and then to forget her. But no, she called a few times and I went out with her, we went to karaoke, I went back to the hotel, we kissed and made up - but, you see, BPD don't know they're in the wrong. I don't count this as recycling at all, more like a quarrel - but she was citing this event later and later into April, May ... and recently. I wish she could get into her thick head that she was in the wrong, maybe then ... .   

So when we split, I count it for things like that. I could get over it, but her - the diagnosed BPD - could never.

I went to see her one last time in April in her country. After that I didn't see her and we split in very late July and rebounded ten days later 

It actually doesn't matter - I am realizing as I conclude this post - how patient the non is, how much they love the person - the more they are the more they hurt when the BPD has to go/decides to go. I can only switch to hate for the person now - people say NC is essential - but hate helps to maintain that NC 

[AliveButBeatup]

Sabratha --

The Phone. That was a convenient one as there could be no record of what transpired. And to end the abuse and the threats, hanging up was all that was left and then pulling the lines out of the wall. Then the cell phone went wild with calls.

Same here -- but oh so easy to just turn off the cell. Always amazed me at how she'd try to debate me about how it was apparently some nearly impossible thing for a human to choose to turn off their cell phone -- as it it were oxygen itself.

I like your comment about the phone in reference to it being treated like it was oxygen itself. The phone was a source of more arguments than I can remember. A central figure in the mistrust issues.  And getting a few hours of sanity back in my life by turning my phone off was beyond understanding.

[goldylamont]

i don't like admitting this but full disclosure here is good for the soul, since we're all sharing, right? i think in the four years of the r/s i never said anything too bad, and i never called her foul names, other than maybe "stupid", or one time i called her a "dumb blonde", even though she isn't dumb or stupid (well... .?). And of course I heard about this one slip up for *years*.

But anyways, the worse things I said were during the last few months of the r/s... .all I can say is that she changed, or got worse, and I started to become aware of things and suspecting that her issues were from her childhood instead of from previous bad r/s (which I thought were the reasons, but no longer). During one argument she just kept railing on me, wouldn't stop and the things she was saying about me just made no sense at all--I just got the feeling that she hated men in general in that moment and was taking it out on me. And, I don't know exactly what I said, but basically it was, me: "Why don't you go tell all that isht to your daddy?", her: "What are you even talking about?", me: "I don't know, your daddy, your uncle or whoever the hell broke you as a child and made you the way you are. You don't hate me you hate someone who broke you in the past. Why don't you leave me the hell alone and go deal with it, because you're crazy as a bat." I didn't know about BPD then, if I had I doubt I would have gone there. I think that's probably the meanest thing I said. I don't really feel bad about it though.

[croovis]

Goldylamont,

Thats not mean, thats just some righteous truth! I personally like the idea of dropping righteous truth on people, although, really, a PD cant handle it.

Conundrum,

I once helped my ex cut herself. Even though that scenario you described is different, it feels familiar- delving into the messed up-ness of it all.

[Traumatized]

My worst reaction by far came after she told me she had a "date" that night.  Even though we weren't in a 100% committed relationship, I was upset and told her that I wanted her all to myself.  She told me she wanted me all to herself.  If what she was saying was true, that should have ended the discussion right there, but she told me she planned to go on the date anyway, and was excited about all the wild and crazy sex she was going to have.  I left her apartment feeling powerless, frustrated and distraught.

Instead of going to work like I should have, I drove my car as fast as I could on the freeway and tried to get the nerve to kill myself by smashing into a concrete barrier.  I changed my mind and got off the freeway where I continued to drive like a maniac.  I ended up getting into a minor car accident in a parking lot (no one was hurt thank God), but did nearly $1800 worth of damage to my car.

She didn't believe me when I told her about the accident and said I was making it all up just to ruin her date.  The next day I told her about my suicidal intentions before the accident.  She freaked out and called my psychiatrist even though I told her not to.  I knew the crisis had past and I wasn't going to harm myself.  She misunderstood some of the facts of the accident (I didn't help by not clarifying them) and when the wires in her brain got crossed, she went from being lovingly concerned to telling me to F off!

I sent her pictures of the damage to my car and asked if I could come over to clarify things.  I also wanted to apologize to her and her date, who to my dismay was still there, for any disruption I had caused.  When I got to her apartment, she raged at me the whole time and demanded I admit that I made the whole thing up.  She demanded I admit I was trying to make her look like a fool and was intentionally trying to sabotage her date.  I would not admit to any of those things so she threw me out!

I spent the next hour on the phone with Suicide Hotline trying to calm down from her verbal assault against me.  After that I was walking down her street when I crossed paths with a random stranger who wanted to have sex with me.  I said okay and we went back to my apartment and did it.  That was totally out of character for me and I had been celibate for MANY years before that.  I wanted to have "revenge" sex because I was so sick and tired of her having sex with anyone and everyone... .except for me... .and then rubbing it in my face.  She's a sex addict so that came with the package, but her denial of me sexually... .even though we slept in the same bed together on a regular basis... .had frustrated me beyond belief!

So yeah, that was my worst reaction by far!  If I could go back in time, not only would I have went to work instead of driving like a maniac, but I never would have told her about the accident until after her date was over and she had called me again.  Unfortunately this whole incident DESTROYED our relationship!  She turned against me and started making frightening threats of revenge against me.  She became physically abusive towards me and started throwing drinks in my face, beating me and even shoving me to the floor!  My back still hurts to this day from when she shoved me to the floor as hard as she could. 

I am devastated that this incident killed her love for me.  There's nothing I can say or do to make her change her mind about what happened.  There's no apology I can give that's good enough.  No rational conversation I can have with her to clarify the facts of what happened.  No way to clear up the misunderstandings.  It's a no win situation. 

I paid a high price for this accident.  Not only did I pay a high price to have my car fixed, but I paid a high price in losing her love for me.  I can't undo what happened.  The pain it's caused me is severe.

All I can do is try to learn from it as I attempt to move on.