It's over and I'm in so much pain Part one

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It’s over. 

I’m sure of it this time.

We had one more wild roller coaster ride before she vomited all over me and broke things off again.  It’s for real this time and I am DEVASTATED!

Here's what happened:

I had an important personal event and texted her saying how much I wished she was there to share it with me.  Hours later when she finally responded, she congratulated me, but still indicated that she was done with me.  I texted her back saying how it would be so nice to celebrate my achievement with her, but this time she didn't text back.

I went home and logged on to BPD Family site.  I started to write about how dejected, sad, lonely, depressed, etc. I felt, when all of the sudden the phone rang.

It was her!

She was in a great mood and invited me to hang out with her and another friend (my replacement).  I was so excited!  We all had dinner together and after the friend left, it was just her and me.  We went bar hopping and our time together was awkward to say the least.  It went back and forth between her angrily interrogating me and demanding I admit to things I never did, to us having a good time.

By 5:00 A.M. I was exhausted and ready to go back to her place where we had planned to spend the night together.  However, she wanted to find an after hours bar... .and some drugs!  She was already high on painkillers (like usual) and I don't do drugs, so I wasn't up for it.  Not to mention we are both in our mid-40’s and this kind of behavior is ridiculous!  We got some pizza and the tension started to heat up.  Once again she started demanding I own up to things I did not do.  Sadly I had already admitted to things I never did trying to appease her, but it was never good enough for her.  No matter what I’d say, truth or not, she’d call me a liar.  She got angrier and angrier until she finally stormed out of the restaurant.  By the time I caught up with her on the street, she was in a full blown rage, screaming at me at the top of her lungs!  She demanded I not only admit the “evil” things I’d done to her, but explain my motivation as well.  At this point I had no idea what to say anymore.  I stood there blankly without an answer for her and she threw a bottle of water all over my face! 

A group of teenagers who witnessed the event, were highly amused and started recording on their cell phones, meanwhile I went after her and tried to convince her to get into the car where we could discuss the matter further.  She wasn't having it.  She kept screaming at me demanding answers.  When I still couldn’t answer her, she wound up and hit me with her pocketbook as hard as she could.  It really hurt!  This happened over and over again.  She’d ask me a question, I couldn’t give her the answer she wanted to hear, and she hit me.  I did my best to block the hits, but they still hurt anyway.  When I noticed the teenagers recording I ran up to them and demanded they stop, which they reluctantly did, and then cursed me out.  I ran back to her and she kept screaming and hitting me.  Other people gathered around to see what the commotion was all about.  She’d tell them the horrible things I had allegedly done, and they took her side.  I told them to mind their own business and stay out of it!

She must have assaulted me with her pocketbook about 15-20 times.  There were a couple of drug dealers on the street who had been hanging around watching her scream at me.  She told them she wanted to get f’d up and it was all my fault.  They told her what kind of drugs they had and the last I saw of her she was going off with them to do cocaine.

As I walked off alone I said to myself this relationship is now DEFINITELY over.  I drove back home and when I walked through the door I was relieved to be safe and sound, away from her screaming and hitting me.  I took pictures of the cuts I had all over my arm and debated whether I should go to the police station and report her.  I knew that she would definitely be arrested, and knowing the multitude of problems she already has, decided not to.  I logged onto the BPD Family website and started to write about what happened when all of a sudden the phone rang. 

It was her! 

She said she was home, the cocaine she spent $50 on was no good, and she wanted me to come over.

Of course after all she had put me through there was no way I was going to be so foolish as to go over to her place, right? 

Wrong! 

I hopped into my car and drove to her place as fast as I could.  When I got there she had calmed down.  I showed her the cuts on my arm, but all she had to say was "get over it" and acted like it was no big deal.  She did not apologize for anything.  Even though my arm and elbow were in pain and bleeding, I didn't make an issue of it.  I was just happy to be at her place staying over like we had planned.  Then as if nothing had ever happened that night, we went to bed.

Neither of us could really sleep so we got up and had breakfast.  She started getting angry again and kept telling me what a liar I was.  According to her every word that came out of my mouth was a lie and I was incapable of telling the truth or owning up to what I had done to her.  She told me that if I told one more lie during the next half hour, she was going to take all the pills she had, jump into a cab and commit suicide.  So over the next half hour no matter what she asked me I did not respond to her.  I knew that anything I said could be misinterpreted, twisted and used against me.  I didn’t want her to kill herself and thought she was serious about her threat.  To her, my silence confirmed what a liar I was, so she told me I could start talking freely again and that she wasn’t going to hurt herself.

We spent the whole day together.  Like the night before it was on again off again with her being nice to me then accusatory and angry.  We made plans to go out to a club that night, but both of us were too tired from staying up the whole night, so we decided to stay home and do some late night laundry.  While the clothes were washing she told me how I had blown this whole relationship and we could have been together the rest of our lives.  The ball had been in my court the entire time, but now her feelings were dead towards me and there was no way the relationship could be revived.  She said that she no longer trusted anyone because of me, and she had fears of growing old alone.  She also mentioned that her mother planned to take us on vacation later this month, but now that was not going to happen because she didn’t want to be anywhere near me. 

When the clothes were in the drying stage, the tension built up even more.  She started telling me what a horrible, evil person I was and how I had done more damage to her than anyone else in her life.  I had been through this exact same situation before, where we did the laundry late at night and then she threw me out at 3 A.M.  So I knew it was coming.  As soon as we got the laundry back upstairs she kicked me out (for the fifth time, and the third at 3 A.M.), but before she kicked me out she did something she never had done before.  She shoved me to the floor as hard as she could, hurting my hip, back and cutting my leg.  I left and thought for sure again it was over.  The violence had escalated to a point where it was just too much to continue with the relationship.

[Traumatized]

It’s over. 

I’m sure of it this time.

We had one more wild roller coaster ride before she vomited all over me and broke things off again.  It’s for real this time and I am DEVASTATED!

Here's what happened:

I had an important personal event and texted her saying how much I wished she was there to share it with me.  Hours later when she finally responded, she congratulated me, but still indicated that she was done with me.  I texted her back saying how it would be so nice to celebrate my achievement with her, but this time she didn't text back.

I went home and logged on to BPD Family site.  I started to write about how dejected, sad, lonely, depressed, etc. I felt, when all of the sudden the phone rang.

It was her!

She was in a great mood and invited me to hang out with her and another friend (my replacement).  I was so excited!  We all had dinner together and after the friend left, it was just her and me.  We went bar hopping and our time together was awkward to say the least.  It went back and forth between her angrily interrogating me and demanding I admit to things I never did, to us having a good time.

By 5:00 A.M. I was exhausted and ready to go back to her place where we had planned to spend the night together.  However, she wanted to find an after hours bar... .and some drugs!  She was already high on painkillers (like usual) and I don't do drugs, so I wasn't up for it.  Not to mention we are both in our mid-40’s and this kind of behavior is ridiculous!  We got some pizza and the tension started to heat up.  Once again she started demanding I own up to things I did not do.  Sadly I had already admitted to things I never did trying to appease her, but it was never good enough for her.  No matter what I’d say, truth or not, she’d call me a liar.  She got angrier and angrier until she finally stormed out of the restaurant.  By the time I caught up with her on the street, she was in a full blown rage, screaming at me at the top of her lungs!  She demanded I not only admit the “evil” things I’d done to her, but explain my motivation as well.  At this point I had no idea what to say anymore.  I stood there blankly without an answer for her and she threw a bottle of water all over my face! 

A group of teenagers who witnessed the event, were highly amused and started recording on their cell phones, meanwhile I went after her and tried to convince her to get into the car where we could discuss the matter further.  She wasn't having it.  She kept screaming at me demanding answers.  When I still couldn’t answer her, she wound up and hit me with her pocketbook as hard as she could.  It really hurt!  This happened over and over again.  She’d ask me a question, I couldn’t give her the answer she wanted to hear, and she hit me.  I did my best to block the hits, but they still hurt anyway.  When I noticed the teenagers recording I ran up to them and demanded they stop, which they reluctantly did, and then cursed me out.  I ran back to her and she kept screaming and hitting me.  Other people gathered around to see what the commotion was all about.  She’d tell them the horrible things I had allegedly done, and they took her side.  I told them to mind their own business and stay out of it!

She must have assaulted me with her pocketbook about 15-20 times.  There were a couple of drug dealers on the street who had been hanging around watching her scream at me.  She told them she wanted to get f’d up and it was all my fault.  They told her what kind of drugs they had and the last I saw of her she was going off with them to do cocaine.

As I walked off alone I said to myself this relationship is now DEFINITELY over.  I drove back home and when I walked through the door I was relieved to be safe and sound, away from her screaming and hitting me.  I took pictures of the cuts I had all over my arm and debated whether I should go to the police station and report her.  I knew that she would definitely be arrested, and knowing the multitude of problems she already has, decided not to.  I logged onto the BPD Family website and started to write about what happened when all of a sudden the phone rang. 

It was her! 

She said she was home, the cocaine she spent $50 on was no good, and she wanted me to come over.

Of course after all she had put me through there was no way I was going to be so foolish as to go over to her place, right? 

Wrong! 

I hopped into my car and drove to her place as fast as I could.  When I got there she had calmed down.  I showed her the cuts on my arm, but all she had to say was "get over it" and acted like it was no big deal.  She did not apologize for anything.  Even though my arm and elbow were in pain and bleeding, I didn't make an issue of it.  I was just happy to be at her place staying over like we had planned.  Then as if nothing had ever happened that night, we went to bed.

Neither of us could really sleep so we got up and had breakfast.  She started getting angry again and kept telling me what a liar I was.  According to her every word that came out of my mouth was a lie and I was incapable of telling the truth or owning up to what I had done to her.  She told me that if I told one more lie during the next half hour, she was going to take all the pills she had, jump into a cab and commit suicide.  So over the next half hour no matter what she asked me I did not respond to her.  I knew that anything I said could be misinterpreted, twisted and used against me.  I didn’t want her to kill herself and thought she was serious about her threat.  To her, my silence confirmed what a liar I was, so she told me I could start talking freely again and that she wasn’t going to hurt herself.

We spent the whole day together.  Like the night before it was on again off again with her being nice to me then accusatory and angry.  We made plans to go out to a club that night, but both of us were too tired from staying up the whole night, so we decided to stay home and do some late night laundry.  While the clothes were washing she told me how I had blown this whole relationship and we could have been together the rest of our lives.  The ball had been in my court the entire time, but now her feelings were dead towards me and there was no way the relationship could be revived.  She said that she no longer trusted anyone because of me, and she had fears of growing old alone.  She also mentioned that her mother planned to take us on vacation later this month, but now that was not going to happen because she didn’t want to be anywhere near me. 

When the clothes were in the drying stage, the tension built up even more.  She started telling me what a horrible, evil person I was and how I had done more damage to her than anyone else in her life.  I had been through this exact same situation before, where we did the laundry late at night and then she threw me out at 3 A.M.  So I knew it was coming.  As soon as we got the laundry back upstairs she kicked me out (for the fifth time, and the third at 3 A.M.), but before she kicked me out she did something she never had done before.  She shoved me to the floor as hard as she could, hurting my hip, back and cutting my leg.  I left and thought for sure again it was over.  The violence had escalated to a point where it was just too much to continue with the relationship.

[Traumatized]

The next day she called me and was back to normal again, as if nothing had ever happened.  She said she had been doing some research and I was probably either a sociopath or a psychopath.  To her, one of them was good because you couldn't help yourself, and the other one was bad because you knew what you were doing.  She brought up how we had planned to see my therapist together the next day.  She wanted to find out from my therapist which one I was before she made her decision to stay with me or walk away from the relationship for good.

Later that night we met up.  She accused me of taking too long to get there and that I did it on purpose.  I shook it off.  It was just another false accusation.  After spending a few hours getting ready, we decided to go out to a local bar.  The bartender recognized her and was not happy to see her.  Apparently the last time she was there she caused a big scene and called the cops on him.  He was reticent to serve her, but did.  A bit later she walked out on me and told me she’d be right back.  She had pulled this stunt on me before and I knew she had no plans of coming back.  I chased after her and finally caught up to her.

We went to a few more bars and when we got to the last one, she started bad mouthing me to anyone in sight.  She had become so angry that someone in the bar stepped in between us to try and mediate the situation.  Ultimately this only made things worse and put the final nail in the coffin.  I refused to admit to my alleged wrongdoing in front of her, and also told the guy that she had shoved me to the floor the night before. She screamed that I was a liar and stormed off to another room.  The guy talked to her for awhile to get her side of things, and when he came back to me I could see on his face that he knew we were doomed.  However he did say she was going to allow me to stay over at her place like she had promised because I had been drinking and she didn’t want me to drive home drunk.  After that see never wanted to see me again…ever.  She sat at the other end of the bar glaring at me and shouting angry words to whoever would listen.  Then we left together.

We walked down the street to a store and she bought us both snacks.  When we got to her apartment she said she hoped I enjoyed it because this was the last time I was ever going to stay over.  She told me our relationship was finished for good.  That she didn’t care about me anymore.  Her feelings towards me were dead.  That I was the most evil, horrible person she had ever met in her life.  That she wasn’t going to therapy with me the next day because I wasn’t worth it.  She even got dramatic and raised her hand up and vowed to God that after this night she would never be in my presence ever again.  She said she could not wait until morning when I would leave and be out of her life forever.

At this point I had nothing to lose so I finally started standing up to her.  I confronted her about how she had emotionally and physically abused me over the course of our relationship.  How she never apologized for anything.  How she blamed me for everything and played the victim (all things she had accused me of).  She asked me why I would want to be in the presence of someone who abused me the way she did?  Why didn’t I run?  I told her I was able to look past these things because deep down inside I knew she was a good person.  She said I was a good person too.  We both listed each other’s good qualities.  I asked her if she thought her BPD (which she admitted to me she had) had skewed her perception of things.  She did not seem to be offended, but she did not answer. 

We lied down on her bed all relaxed and comfortable, and she asked if I wanted to eat the snacks she had bought.  I said I couldn’t eat anything because my stomach was tied up in knots from all the anxiety I’d been experiencing.  Over the past few months I have lost 24 pounds and my desire to eat practically vanished.

We then had a calm heart to heart talk.  I told her I thought our relationship was worth saving and that if she really loved me like she said she did in the past, that she should be willing to work things out.  I said that we should see a professional mediator.  She continued to tell me that it was over and at one point told me to come as close as I could to her face and look into her eyes.  “I do not love you anymore,” she said.  “I never want to see you again for the rest of my life.”  “You're a disgusting person.”  “I wish I never met you.”  “The relationship is over.”  “It’s dead.”  “You killed it.”  “I feel nothing for you.”  “I wish you weren’t even here right now.”   At that point I realized the knife had been stuck in and twisted in me for the final time.  She really meant what she was saying and I knew that it was truly over and this time.  The reality was sinking in. 

I started crying hysterically!   She said that I would get over it and I’d be okay.  I told her I wouldn’t and cried harder and harder.  She said I was just faking it.  My heart literally started hurting so bad that I thought I was going to die right there on the spot.  I ran into the other room and frantically got out my anti-anxiety medication.  I took a handful of pills... .way more than I’m supposed to and she threatened to call 911.  I lied back down on the bed and started hyperventilating.  I asked her for a paper bag to breathe into and she just laughed at me.  My stomach felt sick and I thought I was going to throw up.  I ran into the bathroom and fell to my knees.  I dropped the bottle of water I had in my hand and it spilled all over the floor.  I dry heaved into the toilet 3 or 4 times.  I started drooling.   I lied back down on the bed again and started trembling.  My teeth started chattering violently and uncontrollably.  I was having a full blown panic attack, the worst I’d ever had in my life!  I asked her to hold me to try and make it stop.  She wouldn't.  Once again she said I was just faking everything.  I asked her to put something in my mouth to make my teeth stop chattering.  She stuffed a rolled up wad of socks into my mouth and made fun of how silly I looked with them in it.  She had zero compassion for me.  Zero. 

After that crisis past we went to bed in separate rooms.  When morning came she woke me up, and as I got ready to leave I said there was only one thing left for us to do…delete each others phone numbers.  I pulled out my phone, showed her where her name was in my contacts list, and deleted it.  This was the last thing I ever wanted to do.  I wanted to be with her forever.  Deep inside I’m hoping it will make her want me back if she knows she can’t have me.  She said she had already deleted my number and showed me the place where it used to be.  She walked me to her front door.  We hugged each other tightly and kissed on the lips.  I turned and walked out without saying a word.

As I heard her door lock I felt terribly sad.  I spent a good chunk of the day crying and hoping that she would get my phone number from someone else and call me, saying she was sorry and wanting to get back together again.  I found her number in a book I had written it down in and added her number back to my phone.

It’s crazy that I am that addicted to someone who beats me and hates me, but I just can’t get over her.

I want to talk to her again so badly!

I want things to work out between us.


I feel like a heroin addict going through withdrawal.  The pain is unbearable!  I feel empty, alone, lost and like I don’t have any future.  I plan to update my life insurance policy and include her in it.  She is in a bad financial situation (like me) and needs money desperately.  If I died at least I could help her out and she would know that I really did love her. 

I know this is sick.

I’m so screwed up.

I have no idea what I’m doing anymore.

[bpdspell]

Badly Abused,

Whoa Pony.

You have a lot going on here. Do you have someone you can talk to? A trusted family member or a therapist?

You are in the throws of an extremely emotional and physically abusive situation. You are being abused and I know this is not what you want.

You are not the cause of your girlfriends pain and you do not deserve embarrassment and humiliation to prove to her that you love her.

You've got to muster up some boundaries. Otherwise she will continue to devalue you until she's found someone else.

I'm so sorry that you're hurting but if you can please take a step back from this woman and recalibrate.

Is there a friend or relative you can spend a couple of days with?

Sounds like your ex is spiraling in her emotional dsyregulation. But you cannot help her with this problem. It is her mental illness and there is nothing you can do that will return your relationship to a sense of normalcy.

You deserve to live and protect yourself. You also deserve to love, honor, cherish and respect yourself and your ex cannot do that for you.

Please step away and give yourself space so you can think more clearly about what you're up against.

Keep posting on here and reaching out. But try not to reach out to your ex for now.

Spell

[Traumatized]

I do have a therapist and a psychiatrist I'm seeing who know all about this.  I'm also going to be seeing an anti-domestic violence counselor next week.  Tonight I'm going to group therapy and I'm thinking about going to visit my parents too, but am not sure when.

But it's not enough.  The pain inside me is unbearable.

I just stay home pacing the floors, unfocused, crying, wishing I could talk with her, wishing I were dead to make all this pain go away and give her the life insurance money so she can get out of her financial crisis.

I just can't get over it.  She's painted me as dark black as possible.  It hurts me that's she's blamed me for all her pain and cut me off so coldly.  I never wanted to hurt her ever, but she thinks I did and is getting her revenge on me.

[Aussie0zborn]

Sorry mate, I couldn't finish reading your original post as it is just so annoying to see you put up with that abuse. The fact is we all did it but you really let yourself get kicked in the teeth so you can't blame her for EVERYTHING.

You know what to do now, don't you? Pull yourself together and run as fast as you can.

[houseofswans]

I just can't get over it. It hurts me that's she's blamed me for all her pain and cut me off so coldly.  I never wanted to hurt her ever, but she thinks I did and is getting her revenge on me.

My friend, I feel your pain, I REALLY do 

[Traumatized]

Sorry mate, I couldn't finish reading your original post as it is just so annoying to see you put up with that abuse. The fact is we all did it but you really let yourself get kicked in the teeth so you can't blame her for EVERYTHING.

You know what to do now, don't you? Pull yourself together and run as fast as you can.

Yeah, I know I put up with an absurd amount of abuse and I can't blame her for everything.  I allowed it to happen.  I had no boundaries.  I was too weak to defend myself against her.  I made mistakes.  And yes, I got my teeth kicked in, which ironically is one of the things she said she wanted to do to me.

I know it makes sense to run as fast as I can from her, but I don't want to.  I want her to come back.  Not to abuse me, but to go back to the special times we had when things were good.  I know that's not going to happen, but I still hope for it anyway.  Obviously my brain is nowhere in sight here.

I went to group therapy tonight and I was there, but not there if you know what I mean.  All I could do was think about her and wish I could talk to her again.  Right now I'm an empty shell of a human being.  Completely lost.  I stare blankly at nothing.

Knowing that she wants nothing to do with me fills me with an overwhelming, desperate kind of despair that makes me wish I were dead.

[Traumatized]

I just can't get over it. It hurts me that's she's blamed me for all her pain and cut me off so coldly.  I never wanted to hurt her ever, but she thinks I did and is getting her revenge on me.

My friend, I feel your pain, I REALLY do 

Thank you for your empathic response.  I know you understand and I really appreciate it.

[peas]

Right now I'm an empty shell of a human being.  Completely lost.  I stare blankly at nothing.

It's time to fill that shell, find your path and stop staring. Without her it will be possible.