How would the exBPDgf have treated my kids?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

About a year ago I broke up from my exBPDgf. We were dating for a few months. She has two kids from a previous marriage, and so have I. We never came to the point to meet each others kids. So I wonder:

Does anybody have any experience from meeting a BPD's children and vice versa?

I have read that a BPD could treat your kids badly, try to separate you from them, and complain about them all the time. One of my daughters has ADD, which makes things even more difficult.

And I have also read in the newspaper that BPDs, with severe mental problems, could even make up stories that her innocent partner abused her kids just to get him punished. That sounds terrible!

Could this be true?

[Need2Know]

About a year ago I broke up from my exBPDgf. We were dating for a few months. She has two kids from a previous marriage, and so have I. We never came to the point to meet each others kids. So I wonder:

Does anybody have any experience from meeting a BPD's children and vice versa?

I have read that a BPD could treat your kids badly, try to separate you from them, and complain about them all the time. One of my daughters has ADD, which makes things even more difficult.

And I have also read in the newspaper that BPDs, with severe mental problems, could even make up stories that her innocent partner abused her kids just to get him punished. That sounds terrible!

Could this be true?

[mitchell16]

I dont know about making up stories about partner abusing children. mine had a child from previous relationship but that child was grown 23 year old. But she treated him like he was still a 14 year old. She didnt make him work supported any and everything her did. Made excuse for him his not havnig a job or going to school.

but mine has made up stories on me. from saying i hit her, to i was tying to come between her and her child. made up a story that my brotehr tried to hit on her. so i beleive they are capable of really anything.

[Need2Know]

Hi Mitchell16,

That sounds awful! It must be painful to be subject to such lies and distorted reality. Probably I would have ended up in a similar situation. Thanks for sharing. It helped me being convinced that I made the right decision getting out of there.

[mitchell16]

yes, it was very painful. To be accused of something you know that you didnt do something but being told they was going to tell everyone that you did. It has real scared me. Not just that but everything you say is twisted or accused of saying things that you didnt even say. She used to shorten my sentences and pick only one or two words and use it againt me. It about drove me crazy.

[MovingOnForLife]

My stbx uBPDh was mean, Nasty and a bully to our kids.  He never helped with caring for the kids and never wanted to spend any time with them.  In fact my son, who was three at the time once said "daddy never plays with me."

He also hated having to take the kids to their activities, which he only did when I was working and couldn't take them and with a lot of bhiting, moaning and complaining.

He was an awful father and I used to complain about it long before we were getting divorced and I knew anything about BPD.

However, now that he stands to lose $2000 a month in child support he's turned into Disneyland dad.  and thanks to his new GF who is a Social worker in a school, he's dad of the year.

But I'm not worried - it can't and won't last long

You're lucky you got out when you did. Count your blessings.

[Aussie0zborn]

Everything you read is true.  It varies ofcourse depending on the level of BPD and each of our differing situations but you can consider yourself lucky.

In my case, my uBPDstbx wife tolld my daughter aged 17 at the time that she once had a lover old enough to be her father but it didn't bother her because he gave her overseas trips - 20 trips to France in the one year they were together, to be precise. This was immediately after I took her AND HER CHILDREN on a round the world trip costing me $45,000. My daughter was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell me at the time. She kept a polite distance. How could she have been so sure my daughter wouldn't tell me this? That's how calculated, cunning and conniving they are. It affected the close relationship I had with my only child.

On an impromptu overseas holiday, my daughter overheard my wife answer her phone and complain that "we're dragging Aussie's mother and daughter around with us on our family holiday". Like my mother and my daughter are not part of my family! My daughter didn't tell me about this. She just withdrew and didn't spend much time with us on that holiday.  Again, she suffered in silence.

On our "wedding proposal overseas holiday" she said to my daughter, "it's all your fault he hasn't asked me to marry him until now".  Again, my daughter kept her distance for the entire holiday and had to suffer the indignity of watching me propose on bended knee with a $10,000 engagement ring in my hand. She was bothered but would not tell me why. Again, how did she know that my daughter would not tell me?

My wife was always buying my daughter expensive gifts and bought expensive bed linen to make our spare bedroom my daughter's room so she could stay over and be part of the family. My daughter stayed over only once in seven years. For some reason she didnt want to be part of this new family and I could never work it out. I was yelled at for not making enough effort to integrate my daughter into our "family", for her ungratefulness, her rudeness, her lack of respect, etc etc etc etc and I eventually cancelled my daughter's invitation to Christmas lunch at our house when my entire extended family would be there. How dumb was I?

My daughter has never seen her parents drunk. Seeing my wife drunk and slapping her daughter for saying, "Mom, I don't think you should drink anymore" didn't endear my wife to my daughter. My daughter saw the dysfunction early on. I didn't.

I treated her kids like my own but she slowly turned them against me. "Aussie's upsetting me again". They would look at me as if to say, "why are you doing this to us?" When I made her happy everything in the house was fine, when I would say no to her violating my boundaries she would make us all pay - including her children. They relied on me to keep the peace in the home so that they wouldn't have to suffer their mother's abuse. The kids relied on me for their safety from her violent temper, her raging and yelling and I was letting them down. Big time. They came to resent me for it

In the end, my wife assaulted my daughter and a plain clothes cop at our home.  She accused my daughter of assaulting her. The cops believed the wife and now my daughter is in court. This is a nightmare and with witnesses now coming forward my daughter should be OK. There was no repercussion for the wife assaulting the cop because she was a "victim of an assault in her own home" and was simply lashing out thinking the plain clothes cop was one of her assailants. Yeah right! My daughter is the one who called the cops for help and the uBPD turned it around, as they do in such cases.

Everything I did for her and her children was to no avail. There was never any thanks for it and there never will be - not from her and not from her children. I fully expect her son to grow up and come looking for me. He lacks empathy 110% and has  seen psychiatrists on numerous occasions. His lack of empathy is so profound it is like nothing your read on these boards. Pick the worst lack of empathy story you have read here and multiply that by 1,000. She now accuses me of threatening to kill him and - this is the best part - "making it look like an accident".

By ending your nightmare and not having introduced your kids to her, you have probably avoided embarrassing yourself in front of your kids, losing their respect and damaging your relationship permanently. Consider yourself wise and lucky. Well done.

[Need2Know]

Hi Aussie0zborn,

Jesus man, that nightmare was even worse that I would have expected! If my relationship with my exBPDgf would have been just 1% of that horror, I would have been a wreck by now. I must say that you must be a very strong person to have come out of that terror in one piece and with common senses.

Your story makes think about things exBPDgf said and did. For example, she tried to turn her son against her ex-husband. According to her, her little son said things like "Mom, I don't want to be with my father because his lying all the time." That's a strange thing to say for a little kid. Probably she had told her son that the father was lying. She also told me that she and her ex-husband had quarrels, fights, make-ups and break-ups all the time. Of course she blamed him for all of it, but when I look back it was for sure due to her as well.

Thanks for sharing your story with me. Oh my God what a story. That convinced me that I made the right decision and protected my kids from her. It took a while to lick my mental scars after breaking up with her, but if my relationship with her would have been a portion of yours, those scars would have been bleeding wounds by now.