She's Hospitalized, Do I Continue NC?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPDex and I had a rough, recycling-filled August. I broke contact on September 13.  I know now that in the days leading up to the breakup, she was already lining up guys, and in the few days after, she had a hay day of awfulness. Drugs, sex, even sex for money. With people I know! 

She called/texted probably 100 times a day until three days ago. Then she stopped contact, with everyone. Nobody knew where she was, and we found out later that her ex before me had let her come over, then somehow eventually kicked her out of his house in her underwear. She was hypomanic at the time and on too much adderall and zero sleep so the cops obviously took her right to the hospital.  Now I'm getting a few calls a day from the hospital and part of me wants to answer and tell her that I'm sorry she has to live like this and that I wish I could help her but I can't.

I want her to Want to stay in the hospital.  I want her to Want to get better. How can this person have f***ed like five guys I know out of spite and I still want to help her get better?  What do I do?  Just continue to ignore her?  "Let the b**ch drown", as comedian Roy Woods says?  Or do I support the fact that she's in a hospital?

[StandUpGuy]

My BPDex and I had a rough, recycling-filled August. I broke contact on September 13.  I know now that in the days leading up to the breakup, she was already lining up guys, and in the few days after, she had a hay day of awfulness. Drugs, sex, even sex for money. With people I know! 

She called/texted probably 100 times a day until three days ago. Then she stopped contact, with everyone. Nobody knew where she was, and we found out later that her ex before me had let her come over, then somehow eventually kicked her out of his house in her underwear. She was hypomanic at the time and on too much adderall and zero sleep so the cops obviously took her right to the hospital.  Now I'm getting a few calls a day from the hospital and part of me wants to answer and tell her that I'm sorry she has to live like this and that I wish I could help her but I can't.

I want her to Want to stay in the hospital.  I want her to Want to get better. How can this person have f***ed like five guys I know out of spite and I still want to help her get better?  What do I do?  Just continue to ignore her?  "Let the b**ch drown", as comedian Roy Woods says?  Or do I support the fact that she's in a hospital?

[strikeforce]

Continue to ignore.

You invite that train wreck back into your life you wont recover.

Stay strong 

[fromheeltoheal]

It depends, do you want to do what's right for you or for her?  My BPD ex was a full time job with overtime, it was never about me, it only started being about me when I left.  If it really is over it's time to heal, which means make your needs a bigger priority than hers, something mine never did.

[GreenMango]

My BPDex and I had a rough, recycling-filled August. I broke contact on September 13.  I know now that in the days leading up to the breakup, she was already lining up guys, and in the few days after, she had a hay day of awfulness. Drugs, sex, even sex for money. With people I know! 

She called/texted probably 100 times a day until three days ago. Then she stopped contact, with everyone. Nobody knew where she was, and we found out later that her ex before me had let her come over, then somehow eventually kicked her out of his house in her underwear. She was hypomanic at the time and on too much adderall and zero sleep so the cops obviously took her right to the hospital.  Now I'm getting a few calls a day from the hospital and part of me wants to answer and tell her that I'm sorry she has to live like this and that I wish I could help her but I can't.

I want her to Want to stay in the hospital.  I want her to Want to get better. How can this person have f***ed like five guys I know out of spite and I still want to help her get better?  What do I do?  Just continue to ignore her?  "Let the b**ch drown", as comedian Roy Woods says?  Or do I support the fact that she's in a hospital?

She's in the safest place she could be.  You want her to want to get help - dont enable her.  I know its hard.

Enabling her could be allowing her to reach for emotional support that's inappropriate (you) instead of this therapuetic environment.  Shes in a safe place to hit rock bottom.

If I was in your shoes I would be concerned if I made contact I would inadvertently enable her... .allow her an out - or make it even worse.

What were you thinking of saying?

[nolisan]

When I was trying to help/rescue my ex an AlAnon friend said "let her hit her own bottom - that's the most compassionate thing you can do for her".

She did! It looks like she is doing better. I have remained NC for a year.

[Aussie0zborn]

Grow some balls and ignore.  Not your problem. Period.

[Learning_curve74]

I say this from experience with my exBPDgf: She needs to hit rock bottom which she obviously hasn't yet. Contacting her and "supporting" her is enabling her and actually hurting her more. Whether you care about her or not, the kindest thing to do is to let her hit rock bottom.

[Clearmind]

We are a trigger and staying away is more helpful to her. Do you feel a sense of guilt in not going?

[numb_buddha]

I agree with what many others have said so far on this thread. You really cannot rescue her. Perhaps the only hope for someone with BPD is when they've had absolutely enough. If you take them back, you only prolong that process. If you care for them, practice letting go.

[StandUpGuy]

I don't even know what I could say if I was to talk to her. I have all this anger for all the evil things she did. But I also still have some kind if hope, especially now that she's in the hospital. I have hope that she could get to the point that she wanted to change. But I KNOW in my brain that that's not really possible. If I talked to her I would probably just end up bringing up all the horrible things she did and how she needs to not do those things. Then she would say "ok, I won't." And I obviously wouldn't believe her and then I'd feel like ___.

So ok, I won't talk to her. 

[eeyore]

I don't even know what I could say if I was to talk to her. I have all this anger for all the evil things she did. But I also still have some kind if hope, especially now that she's in the hospital. I have hope that she could get to the point that she wanted to change. But I KNOW in my brain that that's not really possible. If I talked to her I would probably just end up bringing up all the horrible things she did and how she needs to not do those things. Then she would say "ok, I won't." And I obviously wouldn't believe her and then I'd feel like ___.

So ok, I won't talk to her.  

How about you say a prayer for her?  That way you are still doing your part to help her and at the same time you aren't enabling? Or make a donation in her name here.  :)o something that pays it forward on her behalf?