Good News, Breakthroughs & TLCs

[qcarolr]

My beautiful BPDDD27 is participating in life right now in a healthier way. I am participating in life also in a healthier way. When our paths cross it is with gratitude, kindness, compassion instead of distress, resentment, blaming and anger. I am in joy for this today, knowing full well the future is unknown to us.

I have pondered what I want to say here, and seem to be full of words this morning.

If you have shared in my story posted here you know it is long and complex from the day DD came to our home at 3 weeks of age. I am finally learning to let go of so much guilt over the "if only" about being less than the perfect mom. She is human and imperfect too. And we are both doing the best we can each moment in an imperfect and distressing world. Forgiveness for myself - this is a new experience recently for me. And so I have more forgiveness for others in my life, and the effects on me. This has been encouraged in many ways, including from attachment therapy both with my T, my gd's T, reading, gaining direct support in my faith community.

DD's probation was revoked in February after she failed the previous 4 months in an intense dual-dx program with daily reporting. She did not show up. The staff, probation office team, and me all were doing more work than DD was. Even though the DA and DD's public defender made another probation 'deal', and DD pleaded guilty to the probation violations (like she could have pleaded otherwise!), the judge sentenced her to 9 months in jail, with work release. She waited a month to get a bed in the work release program - she lives at the jail, by a miracle got a job within the first week (only 2 weeks allowed to get work), and has been successful for the first week. She is managing all the details of her life when she is out during the day. I have had lunch with her weekly, taken her shopping (she has to provide all her own needs now instead of jail), and talked with her on the phone when she is bored and tempted to go hang out with toxic ex-friends.

She is very sick, and yet still at work today. Her descent into H**l gave her infection with some type of STD. She has been proactive in getting treatment - approval from jail supervisor to get to urgent care yesterday. I was unavailable and she found a way to get there. The bus does not run past the jail on Sunday's. She has been going to church - they take them to lunch. She got a ride to urgent care from a total stranger at church. She likes this church - people sincerely care and do not judge her. I was able to pick her up, get her meds. and drop her back at jail yesterday evening. Today she called for number to the clinic that accepts her medicaid.

She has NEVER EVER done all this on  her own before. EVER!

She has clearly said to me she does not need intensive mental health treatment. She knows she needs structure to help her with daily living. She is getting this in work release program. In addition to working, managing her own care (clothes, laundry, meds., etc.) she has to attend various classes at the jail. She proudly showed me her workbook (it is mine she said) "Socialization". It is CBT for interpersonal r/s. She has to attend AA or NA meetings on the weekends. She is keeping track of all the written documentation required by the program of where she goes and when she is there both inside and outside jail. She gets along with her bunk mate and others in the program. The work release dorm has only 10 women instead of 25 in the jail dorm.

I have been daily praying for her salvation - rescue from herself (or lack of "self". And it seems to be working in her. I am in awe that she is going to church after how she ridiculed gd and I for our beliefs. She was also attending church when in the regular jail dorm. Regardless of your personal beliefs, spiritual growth is an essential part of developing courage and strength to deal with the distress in life. I am so thankful DD is able to be open to this right now.

It would be naive to think this is only a spiraling path up. There will be dips in the future, and maybe they will be less severe and more easily recovered from.

I have been often without hope. It was always in me. It is so nice to be living in it for a change. And for DD too.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[yogablue]

I too have noticed some TLCs with my dd23.  She has been in DBT for 2 months and is trying very hard, working on her tasks set by her T.  I am in awe of her courage in doing this.

On the Easter long weekend my dd came with me and her grandmother, aunt and other family for Sunday lunch.  She was very wary of going to the place where the lunch was held, as her ex-bf who triggered her latest huge episode 3 months ago, often visits the suburb. She managed to hold it together, although she was quiet and a little uneasy but she made the effort as she wanted to be with the family.

I posted on another thread yesterday that perhaps, like your dd qcr, they almost need to reach 'rock bottom' and realise that they are responsible for their actions, before they can find a way forward?  Tough indeed for us parents to watch as this unfolds!

I am hoping and praying that this is also a turning point for my dd, and yours too qcr, although we both know that there will be many bumps in the road ahead.  It's a real ray of sunshine.

I so understand your appreciation that your dd is relating to you with compassion and a lack of anger as I've felt the same thing with my dd.  When the blame and raging is taken away, there is the possibility of a relationship with our dd's.  When they do things for themselves that they never did previously, well that's just the icing on the cake, isn't it?

There is hope, while we continue to work on ourselves and continue to be there as a loving parent to our cwBPD, just doing the best we can.  We cannot give up, and just so appreciate observing any TLCs that come along.

[neverwentback]

I am new to this site and am thrilled to have found all of you dealing with similar issues! My breakthrough is that my UBPD son(31) has been holding a job for a year and a half now, which is a first.  The owner of the pet food manufacturing plant where he works has taken an interest in him and is being a wonderful mentor despite the obvious emotional issues my son has.  We are working on getting him to the point where he can live on his own. I don't know when that will happen, but I am grateful for his ongoing employment!

[hopeforhappiness10]

As of Today, tears flow because she did it!

When I found this site a few months ago, I was really at my all time lowest with my 21BPD daughter and we were struggling to keep her in college.  She was in her last semester but during the last six months, she had completely went crazy threatening suicide, trashing her apartment and verbally abusing me (her mom) at every opportunity.  Several weeks ago, she literally said she dropped all her classes just weeks from finishing her semester, just to try to hurt me since she knew how important it was for us to see her graduate. Yet, over the last few weeks, I started using more of the valadation therory which at a minimum help reduce the intensity of our fights and sometimes shut some of those disputes  down.  I also had to helicoper certain aspects of her last semester in college but I told myself that I would not give up on her regardless of her negitivity and nasty attitude.  As of Today, tears flow because she did it.  She not only is graduating from a major university but she made the Dean's list which is her first time.  

I know many people on this board struggle with bigger issues with their children but I do think that learning to use validation does help and also learning to set boundries which is my next hurdle with my daughter.  Since she is unwilling to seek counselling, I chose to seek counseling which helped me set short term and long term goals dealing with her issues.

So for people struggle with children with BPD, there is still opportunity for them to accomplish goals and to improve their lives.


I don't know what our future holds with respect to our relationship with our daughter, but at least I know she has the ability to move forward.

[hopeangel]

I just wanted to post my good news!

Last time I posted my own issue it was re dd posting on facebook a rant about me which was embarassing and degrading! I was so upset and struggled to rise above it and regain composure for fear of what people may think of me!

Well today I saw on fb a thank you to myself and my dh for helping her to move flats and make said flat more homely by arranging the cushions and making the bed and spraying 'nice smells' around and that she feel positive things will happen in that flat now! 

I am so happy to see that! 

[tristesse]

I love this thread.

This gives me hope and a warm fuzzy feeling reading all of the positives. BPD is such an all consuming illness, that these little bright spots give motivation to keep on trying, to never ever give up. Thank you all for sharing the good happy stories, it has made my morning a little brighter today.

[yogablue]

Hi, I haven't posted in a while 

My good news is DD22 is 2 months into DBT individual therapy and speaking to her T last week is progressing really well.  As we live in Australia we've had to buy her private health cover to go into a 6 month group therapy program which she'll start in 2 months time.

By all accounts, DD seems to be coping better and engaging in the T although when she talks to me about it she's quite subdued and no doubt still full of anxiety about much of her life.  She's unemployed and living in a dive of a shared house, and says she's embarrassed when she meets people who ask 'what do you do'?

No doubt there's a long road ahead and this could be set off course by any triggers that come up, but right now I'm feeling hopeful and somewhat positive.  Yesterday my DD told me that she's working on better sleeping patterns with her T, and went out and bought healthy food.  She even went out on a walk which surprised me, and while I don't ask many questions I get the impression that her T is encouraging her to live a healthier life all round.  Pray for us that she keeps on track please... .

[Birdi]

Hello everyone.

I love it that this thread was started. I find it so encouraging to read people's stories of breakthroughs and good news.

My story of good news is that after years and years of trouble and hostility and anxiety with our DD, after the bleakest period of time we've ever had with her, she finally committed to a 30-day residential dual-diagnosis rehab facility. We had hoped for a 90-day program, but when she received full funding for this 30-day program, we were elated. In March, she was put on a list for August. She had to make weekly calls to stay on the list or she would lose her spot. I wasn't sure she would do it, but she has, and has even moved up to a July 23rd spot, which isn't far off.

While we know it isn't the answer to all of her problems, we are very hopeful it is the beginning of a new life for her if she will take it.

Thanks again to everyone who has shared... .and keep it up! Birdi

[Joey2008]

I just want to say that my 29-year-old daughter, who has suffered with depression and many symptoms related to BPD for years, has just arranged to enter an inpatient treatment program. The facility is called Timberline Knolls and is in Illinois. We live in California, but Timberline was recommended to her by her therapist and some other young women she knows who were treated for eating disorders there. I've read their website inside and out, and it sounds good. They emphasize that they address any co-occurring conditions, such as personality disorder, and not just the eating disorder itself. She managed to get time off from work, but I think she's expecting a 30-day stay. I suspect that she will need longer to really get the help she needs, but we'll see. She told me that she's been deeply depressed since May and that she couldn't wait any longer to get into a program. Some of the others she looked into had long waiting lists. I can't tell you how impressed I am by her willingness and perseverance. In the depths of her depression, she made phone call after phone call until she found this place and has taken care of everything she needs to do. All I did was make her plane reservation. She leaves Tuesday. I am so glad that she's doing this, but I am also so sad and fearful about her future. However, I am trying to focus on the positive: she's taking the reins and I believe that she will be a very motivated patient. I can't imagine how hard this must be for her. If I were a praying person, I would be putting up prayers for her. It bothers me sometimes that I'm not, but I do believe in the human spirit. It's not always enough, but I've seen my daughter fight for her life for the past 15 years. Her spirit is wounded but not dead. I love her so much. Thank you for listening.

[mmomm]

I'm so thankful to have found this community.  I just have had two great days in a row with my son(18).  He was feeling like his future was so bleak a few days ago. At the time I had suggested that it might be an opportunity to use some of his new DBT skills.  I wasn't sure if he would take the suggestion as a criticism of how he was reacting to his circumstances.  Apparently not, because today he thanked me for the reminder and said that the skills helped!  We shared some great laughs today and he had some really nice interactions with his younger siblings... .I am filled with thankfulness.  I know the road will continue to be rocky, but days like this are a true gift. 

[lever.]

Hello mmomm

I am so pleased that you are finding the site helpful- when we start to use the tools for communication we sometimes see changes quite quickly - I think it is the focus on validation that helps.

I hope this continues for you-do let us know how things progress

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HealingSpirit]

Yay!  I'm so glad you joined us Mmomm.  I've reluctantly tried the same thing with my DD(17).  I asked her, "I see that you're really struggling with this situation. What would your DBT book say to do right now?"  I was afraid I'd get told to "F*#% off!" but she actually mentioned a couple of the skills in the book instead.  It really helps to notice progress.  I'm so glad you're having a good period with your DS!

[qcarolr]

There is great gratitude and joy in the effort my DD28 is putting into being ready to get out of jail. She is seeking support from staff and volunteers in the jail so she can return to work release (living in jail, pay rent to jail, allowed out for specific purposes like work, AA/NA, appointments, etc.). She is able to admit and accept that her choices got her where she is, and it is up to her to make a path to get out and stay out.

My role is to love her with a full heart, to share this love with her in every contact, and to be an advocate to find those in the system that do care and can help her get her needs defined then met.

DD has started to trust her new T that the court has graciously allowed her furloughs to see outside the jail. The T is working with a team of others at the mental health center to get DD connected in several programs - intensive supervised job training and placement with a job coach; supportive transitional housing program with accountability for both mental health issues and substance abuse issues; regaining her benefits upon her release; documentation of her restrictions in working for her SSI appeal... .

DD accepting this level of support from those in 'authority' and doing her part without my direct help is so awesome to experience with her. There are still some stigma/attitude roadblocks she has to overcome in the system. I am so hopeful that the T and the mental health team can be there to give her the steps-up she needs to find success.

qcr

[lever.]

That really is good news qcr

[HealingSpirit]

Hi Birdi and Joey2008,

I just saw your posts and thought I'd follow up to see how your DDs are doing in their RTCs?  It is so encouraging to hear that they both enrolled themselves.  That in and of itself seems like wonderful news. I look forward to more success stories from both of you.

Lever,

You're so sweet to recognize others here.  I know you have some pretty big challenges to deal with.  Do YOU have any small successes to post here?

Qcarolr,

It sounds like your DD may have finally turned a new leaf.  She is so lucky to have you advocating for her to set up resources for when she gets out.  I admire you for plugging along doing whatever it takes to support your oh-so-challenging family.


My success today is in the detachment and peace I'm feeling about my DD17's impending move out of state.  I am not happy she is choosing to quit college to move in with her BF, but I have somehow come to terms with the idea that letting her go is the best strategy.  Perhaps this move will be a lesson in appreciation for DD once she has a chance to miss EVERYTHING about her life here.  I suppose a good dose of appreciation could be much more valuable in the grand scheme of things than another semester of college.

[lever.]

I do have my own good news-gradually with effort on her own part and consistently using the "tools" things have greatly improved for my daughter. No more regular trips to A&E (emergency room)-no more psychiatric admissions for some time, looking after her children well. I'm afraid to post too much detail recently as I'm worried it is being read- but I certainly can offer hope.

[selusha]

My 27 year-old daughter is finally starting to accept the diagnosis of BPD. She is in a facility that we are actually optimistic about (for the 1st time) helping her. The toughest thing is it’s not going to be a quick fix & she’ll have to do a lot of HARD work, which she usually runs away from. She recently said to her sister, “Borderliners either get better or kill themselves!” She already attempted suicide twice since February. I searched online the other day for some success stories & could not find even one. If anyone can share an ”UPLIFTING OUTCOME” to this lousy illness, PLEASE DO!

Thanks ~ Selusha

[selusha]

-Bad/Good News?

-Sometimes what appears to us loved ones as a bad situation, is a good one, at least according to the professionals.

-I don't have time to post all the details; but, my 20-something BPD daughter is creating a revolt at the residential "dual diagnosis" facility she's been at for 2 mos... .getting all the other young adult girls to complain to their families about everything about the facility. She & the girls caused a raucous over the weekend. My husband & I were mortified, thinking they're going to kick her out. 

-I spoke to the Director/therapist last night & I was surprised when he tried to put a positive spin on it. He said it was good that it happened. Now they will put her in her place... .she's not running the show. Hopefully, she will stop resisting treatment and get down to the business of working on getting better... .Lord willing... .we'll see:)

-Wish mine was more of a true success story... .hopefully, I'll be able to post one soon:)

-Meanwhile, I would LOVE to read an encouraging post of BPD getting healthy!

Best wishes ~ Selusha

[Rapt Reader]

-Meanwhile, I would LOVE to read an encouraging post of BPD getting healthy!

Best wishes ~ Selusha

Ask, and ye shall receive   :

My son's Recovery-In-Progress.  And, he's still doing well, still clean and sober, and our family life is still humming along smoothly 

I'm very glad to hear that there is some silver lining to your daughter's behaviors and stay at her Program... .If the Director is telling you that there is some light at the end of the tunnel, selusha, I would believe him. What you are describing is Good News, and if not, then at the very least, a Tiny Little Change that is positive. Congratulations!

[Rlsmith2]

My D21 has had 2 amazing weeks! She is raging lees, joined the family on a couple of outings, did well her college group assignment ( she has Axiety Disorder along with BPD). We are running a marathon together and she's even suggesting different training routes! These break throughs have given me so much hope. I know there might be some difficult times ahead but, I am certainly enjoying these moments.

[Rapt Reader]

Oh that is so great to hear, Rlsmith2!

Thanks for sharing that; it really does give others hope when we can see some Good News or Breakthroughs--and even the Tiny Little Changes!--that others can report. Very cool

And you are right; savor the good times when you recognize them.These can help us in the future when we need the memories to keep us going... .

Anyone else have something good to share? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HealingSpirit]

We're keeping our fingers crossed, but it looks like DD17 and BF22 have finally broken up for real, which means DD will NOT be moving to the Midwest. ---HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF!--

They just broke up today and DD already has one of her old friends (an ex BF ) over to keep her company. She was really sad earlier, but she seems relieved for now. Underneath all her whining about needing a fresh start, she was concerned about moving so far away to live with someone who is abusive and rages at her.

I'm still praying the breakup sticks.  Their news changes daily, but I do feel like celebrating this TLC right now, even if they get back together tomorrow.  WHEW!

[qcarolr]

I asked DD28 in phone call from jail yesterday how she was doing. "mom, I feel hopeful".  Wow, I have never heard her say that! We were talking about the appointments I can schedule for the first week she is out -release projected for 11/15/14 -- only 39 days. I asked how many she wants per week - in past she crashed on more than one or two. She said make it three. Then she has somewhere to go and something to do. 

I am hopeful too. Dh is less so, especially since we have made her a commitment to help with housing again. Hard to find apartments that will accept her background check. Looking into roommate ads on Craigslist. At least there are a lot of those listed. It only takes one to meet her needs.

qcr

[qcarolr]

I am so grateful for the changes in our family the past few weeks. DD's apartment did not work out - same issues as always plus a whacko landlord. Too many friends over that looked "seedy". Smoking outside on the porch. Two folding chairs on the porch. The landlord lives a 3 hour drive away and had the neighbors watching the apartment.

Result: we allowed DD to come to our home and sleep on the couch in family room while figuring out housing. Gd gave her approval and clearly stated her boundaries for her mom to be here. No yelling, No bad words, No physical contact in anger, None of DD's friends at the house.  Gd is holding all of us accountable for these 'house rules'. She has gradually become more relaxed and comfortable with her mom. There is one friend that we have allowed and gd is OK with him too.  This is so awesome in gd's process overcoming her anxiety around her mom.

DD has done a lot of sleeping. She is very appreciative of being here. She is participating in her bi-weekly therapy, she is willing to attend her 'Work First' orientation today. (required for her food stamps) She knows the rules and wants to stay off the streets - esp. when it is zero out. She desires to be a part of the family.

This is good for today. I will enjoy this peace day by day. I will pray for peace tomorrow.

qcr

[Rapt Reader]

This does sound like good news, qcarolr 

Thanks so much for sharing 

[Amal]

I wanted to share something. My 15 year old d has fought DBT, just going through the motions. Nothing has worked, but even though she says she hates it and is just saying the words to get through the sessions, DBT is the only therapy with which we saw improvement. Even though she says it does her no good, she likes her therapist/group, and team of drs, and continues to not give me any grief about going to the sessions even though we have to drive 1 1/2 hours each way. 

She started talking to me a few days ago about an issue she is dealing with, I asked a question, and she flipped really lashing out. I told her that we could talk about it later when she was calmer, or she could call her therapist if she wanted. I heard her whisper "opposite of emotion, opposite of emotion, opposite of emotion" under her breath. She took my hand in hers and apologized for lashing out, saying that it wasn't fair that she was treating me that way. She analyzed her own feeling and actually validated herself as she was explaining to me why she was so upset.   

I don't know what to say except that it felt so great. Seeing her struggle these past 2 years,  how far she has come. We finally have a "team" in place that is getting somewhere with her therapy, but she is doing the work as well. I see a real difference in her actually wanting to feel better.

[qcarolr]

Amal, thanks so much for sharing this experience with us. Wow, to see the skills in action. You get some credit too for responding in such a calm and grounded way in giving the choices of calming down to talk with you or calling her therapist. So much hopefulness here.

qcr

[Lacey Mae]

I have good news today.  My daughter is working on calling me MOM rather than my first name.  About 12 years ago, when her BPD was raging, she started to not call me Mom.  I never made an issue of it because it was at the lower end of ?.  So, she came home from her dr. appt. and said this is what she needed to work on.  The first time she called me mom I just said thank you.  Knowing what to say in positive can be just as hard to what to say in negative.  I still listen a lot in both. However, IT MADE ME FEEL GOOD .  However,  I am still very much aware of the pendulum. Today was not just two steps forward... .but... .a huge leap.  Never saw it coming

[Rapt Reader]

Today was not just two steps forward... .but... .a huge leap.  Never saw it coming

That's so cool, Lacey Mae   

Thanks for sharing; it's really good to hear these stories!

[marla]

I'm super new to the board and to BPD. 

Background in a nutshell:  dd/15 diagnosed with major depression, anxiety, ptsd.  self-harms and suicidal ideation (sp?). Hospitalized once, currently in partial outpatient program. 

But here's the good news... .after refusal to come home with us from program for 2 days she had a great weekend at home and worked on a large lego set that we got her.  Although she "hates" doing it, it seems to calm her down and is teaching her that teeny little steps in the right direction add up to something great